[shavon]

I am totally lost with this teen boy..

I think he is a good kid deep down. He knows how to stay under the radar.

Our last 2 episodes have been interesting. My bio son wanted to go spend the night with his best friend and have a "jam session" (they both play guitars) and fs wanted to go along, my husband said no. He explained that since it was the weekend there was no way to get a hold of the cw to approve an over night stay. Well, as soon as hubby got out of the car fs called him an a## h&^% and started dropping the F bombs all over the place..

When they got home FS decided to ask me the same question, I told him exactly the same thing my hubby did, (I didnt know at the time that he had already asked hubby) so he went into the room and started telling my son what a B%$#@ I was!!!

We also have a little electric heater that we keep as a back up on those cold nights, we have told him numerous times not to turn it on at night and every night he still does..we have even removed it and he manages to sneak it in to his room...It isnt cold in here at all..he sleeps on the floor right next to it..I told him if he would sleep on his bed he might not get so cold..

I am just really frusturated...I told the cw that he probably needs to start looking for a better place for him. I feel bad about the situation but at the same time he is old enough that he feels like he doesnt need rules and will not comply. He says his goal in life is to get back to his family and he doesnt care how much easier life would be if he stayed in care..The will put him up in an apartment, get him a vehicle, send him to college, and pay all of his bills while he is in School. He is ready to forget about all of that just to "get out"..

Thanks for reading I am just venting to get it off my chest..

[stevenstwin]

Sorry to hear you're having a rough times - sounds like pretty typical stuff considering the situation (mine was like that a lot). Just curious about the space heater - is there some reason you don't want him to have it - like being a fire hazard? I may be over-thinking, but I'm imagining possible reasons he'd rather sleep on the floor and thinking that issue might not need to be a battle.

[shavon]

I have a couple of issues with the heater.. It could become a fire hazard because he sleeps right next to it with his blanket, we only use it when it is extremely cold outside and my furnace has a hard time keeping all areas warm. Even when we do use it I set it in the hall way where it will distribute heat to all the bedrooms. When I go in to wake them up in the mornings it is like walking into an oven..HOT..HOT..HOT..lol

We actually only used it for a couple of weeks last winter when the temps at night got below Zero.

You may be right about the sleeping on the floor issue. He doesnt say much about things that happened to him before foster care.

There just seems to be something "off" about him that I just can seem to figure out. Or maybe it is just me..Although my oldest son (19) says he doesnt like coming home on the weekend because fs "weirds him out" I dont know what exactly he means by that and im not sure he even knows.

I am just really torn on what to do..I sure didnt go into foster care for it to affect my bio kids, at the same time I want to help this one??? does that make any sense???

[stevenstwin]

I'm a big believer in trusting your instincts. My A. was (is? still pretty often!) loud, angry, argumentative and occasionally obnoxious. But no one in my family, including my two daughters, ever used the expression "weirds them out". Ya know what I mean? I might be inclined to take THAT and your "off" feeling pretty seriously.

Originally Posted by shavon

I have a couple of issues with the heater.. It could become a fire hazard because he sleeps right next to it with his blanket, we only use it when it is extremely cold outside and my furnace has a hard time keeping all areas warm. Even when we do use it I set it in the hall way where it will distribute heat to all the bedrooms. When I go in to wake them up in the mornings it is like walking into an oven..HOT..HOT..HOT..lol

We actually only used it for a couple of weeks last winter when the temps at night got below Zero.

You may be right about the sleeping on the floor issue. He doesnt say much about things that happened to him before foster care.

There just seems to be something "off" about him that I just can seem to figure out. Or maybe it is just me..Although my oldest son (19) says he doesnt like coming home on the weekend because fs "weirds him out" I dont know what exactly he means by that and im not sure he even knows.

I am just really torn on what to do..I sure didnt go into foster care for it to affect my bio kids, at the same time I want to help this one??? does that make any sense???

[shavon]

see..I think I could handle the loud, obnoxious and argumentave behaviour..But that is just not him, he is very sneaky, quiet and just reminds me of someone that holds things in until he "bursts" and I dont want to be around when he does..

He is very good with our dog but he told me one time that he was hunting and the neighbors dog kept barking at him so he shot the dog!!!! That scared me...He loves animals but at the same time if one bugs him he wont think twice about killing it..It supposedly happened before he came into care..

He always walks around with his head down like he is doing something wrong and always rubbing his hands together..I have to admit I am a little timid around him..I dont like this feeling..

[stevenstwin]

Okay, without seeing the whole picture, I have to say that gives me the creeps, a little bit. I guess we were really lucky with Austin in that way - what you see is TOTALLY what you get! He doesn't have the self-control to keep anything "in" - everything he is and thinks is always out in the open. He also loves both kids and animals and is very good with them. I'm honestly not sure how long I could live with a child that made me feel afraid - even a little bit. I can see you've got a tough decision ahead of you!

Originally Posted by shavon

see..I think I could handle the loud, obnoxious and argumentave behaviour..But that is just not him, he is very sneaky, quiet and just reminds me of someone that holds things in until he "bursts" and I dont want to be around when he does..

He is very good with our dog but he told me one time that he was hunting and the neighbors dog kept barking at him so he shot the dog!!!! That scared me...He loves animals but at the same time if one bugs him he wont think twice about killing it..It supposedly happened before he came into care..

He always walks around with his head down like he is doing something wrong and always rubbing his hands together..I have to admit I am a little timid around him..I dont like this feeling..

[lovingheart]

I say trust your gut...our instincts are usually right and we then try to convince ourselves differently because we do not want to think badly of someone without giving them a chance. I had a feeling of something not being quite right about a friend's foster son, I suggested that they get him into counseling. They thought things were going well then one day out of no where he threatened to kill her and her biochild, even had a plan of how he was going to do it. (Not saying this young man would do something like this, just saying trust what you are feeling).

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by lovingheart

I say trust your gut...our instincts are usually right and we then try to convince ourselves differently because we do not want to think badly of someone without giving them a chance. I had a feeling of something not being quite right about a friend's foster son, I suggested that they get him into counseling. They thought things were going well then one day out of no where he threatened to kill her and her biochild, even had a plan of how he was going to do it. (Not saying this young man would do something like this, just saying trust what you are feeling).

That was very well put. I agree that often we fail to trust ourselves because of our fears of hurting others. I read a great book - I think the author is Gavin de Becker, and the book was called "the gift of fear" and a related one about child safety called "protecting the gift". Both talk about just that - how our "gut feelings" are usually related to actual factual information we have but aren't really looking at, and should never be ignored.

[shavon]

Here is another odd thing that happened yesterday.

A few weeks ago we got Rs clothing voucher and bought with it a Pair of shoes (FUBU brand) A leather winter coat, 2 Jackets (MARK ECKO) and 3 pair of jeans (South Pole) and 3 shirts (1 mark ecko, and 2 South pole) he also got a pack of sox and underwear. This kid looked sharp

So yesterday the CW came out and brung christmas lists for him to fill out...after the CW left R told me that he asked for a pair of FUBUs, a south pole outfit and a Marc ecko winter jacket??????????? What is up with that? That is exactly what he just got with his clothing allowance...Now I feel like I need to tell the caseworker that he does not need any of those things because we just bought the exact same things with is allowance...

Does that seemm odd to any of you?

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by shavon

Here is another odd thing that happened yesterday.

A few weeks ago we got Rs clothing voucher and bought with it a Pair of shoes (FUBU brand) A leather winter coat, 2 Jackets (MARK ECKO) and 3 pair of jeans (South Pole) and 3 shirts (1 mark ecko, and 2 South pole) he also got a pack of sox and underwear. This kid looked sharp

So yesterday the CW came out and brung christmas lists for him to fill out...after the CW left R told me that he asked for a pair of FUBUs, a south pole outfit and a Marc ecko winter jacket??????????? What is up with that? That is exactly what he just got with his clothing allowance...Now I feel like I need to tell the caseworker that he does not need any of those things because we just bought the exact same things with is allowance...

Does that seemm odd to any of you?

very weird! What would be the motivation? I can see a sob story that implies you aren't buying him anything, but why ask for something he already HAS? You haven't said how high functioning he is, but could it be a matter of those being the only things he could think of that he LIKES off the top of his head? I'm inclined to think it is some strange kind of manipulation, but I can't figure why.
ps - my story today. I'm having the high school do some work on my car. Austin was VERY excited about being able to do it. The mechanics teacher just said that unfortunately he can't - he's not trustworthy on customer vehicles because if something isn't working right away he still gets mad and just starts yanking and breaking things. Too bad - he really wanted to be a mechanic some day but he's already 18 and a half, so I'm thinking it's going to be a long haul until he's ready, and I don't think he has the focus and committment to work at it.

[shavon]

Im not sure how high functioning he is...the cw said that he seems to "morph" into what ever age group he is with.

The last foster home he was in had a 12 yr old boy and he seemed to act like he was 12..My boys are just a month younger than he but he acts like he is older than he is..just odd... One of my sons has CP and epilepsy and has a hard time getting in and out of the back of vehicles and the last time R and my 2 sons went to the mall R made my son sit in the back of the truck. I of course wasnt with them so I couldnt tell them to take turns..My oldest son (19) was the driver and he told R that he should take turns with Aaron because it was hard for him to get in and out..R totally ignored this request..Aaron didnt say any thing because he didnt want to call attention to his dissability.. I dont know why I just wrote all of that..I guess it just really bugs me that he couldnt care less about any one else..

Thanks so much stevenstwin...I appreciate all you have written...

[shavon]

My boys are just a month younger ..........


That should have said my boys are just a month OLDER LOL...

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by shavon

Im not sure how high functioning he is...the cw said that he seems to "morph" into what ever age group he is with.

The last foster home he was in had a 12 yr old boy and he seemed to act like he was 12..My boys are just a month younger than he but he acts like he is older than he is..just odd... One of my sons has CP and epilepsy and has a hard time getting in and out of the back of vehicles and the last time R and my 2 sons went to the mall R made my son sit in the back of the truck. I of course wasnt with them so I couldnt tell them to take turns..My oldest son (19) was the driver and he told R that he should take turns with Aaron because it was hard for him to get in and out..R totally ignored this request..Aaron didnt say any thing because he didnt want to call attention to his dissability.. I dont know why I just wrote all of that..I guess it just really bugs me that he couldnt care less about any one else..

Thanks so much stevenstwin...I appreciate all you have written...

Unfortunately, that sounds typical too. Austin is the same way - has no empathy. If you say "I'm not feeling well...." he'll launch into everything wrong with him. I actually phoned him once after he moved out to tell him my uncle (who he knew) had died, and he said "Yeah? Well I have a really bad headache....". It's frustrating - and I'm sure it is because of years spent without feeling like anyone cares about THEM...but I don't know how you 'teach' that to a kid this old, KWIM? I wonder if your FS is RAD or Attachment Disordered - realizing that was part of Austin's diagnosis helped us understand why he is the way he is...but that isn't always enough to help them through it and hang onto your own sanity at the same time!

[shavon]

OHHH yes we have had the "im sick" stuff too.

He was going to give blood at school and they thought they hit an artery so I took him to urgent care (schools request) and the doc said it was perfect..that was over 3 weeks ago and he is still complaining..He went to the nurse at school 2 weeks ago and said his throat hurt again I took him to urgent care (again schools request) and doc said everything was perfect, I knew he wasnt sick as soon as i picked him up. He came home and ate 2 packs of Ramen noodle and 2 sandwiches, I told him that the rules were if you were sick enough to come home from school you are sick enough that you need to stay in bed the rest of the evening...Monday we were heading to court to finalize our adoption, he got up and with the hoarsest voice possible said he was sick his throat hurt and he had a headache..I was not going to let it ruin my morning so I told him to go ahead and go to School and see how he felt later...When he got home he was magically healed...

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by shavon

OHHH yes we have had the "im sick" stuff too.

He was going to give blood at school and they thought they hit an artery so I took him to urgent care (schools request) and the doc said it was perfect..that was over 3 weeks ago and he is still complaining..He went to the nurse at school 2 weeks ago and said his throat hurt again I took him to urgent care (again schools request) and doc said everything was perfect, I knew he wasnt sick as soon as i picked him up. He came home and ate 2 packs of Ramen noodle and 2 sandwiches, I told him that the rules were if you were sick enough to come home from school you are sick enough that you need to stay in bed the rest of the evening...Monday we were heading to court to finalize our adoption, he got up and with the hoarsest voice possible said he was sick his throat hurt and he had a headache..I was not going to let it ruin my morning so I told him to go ahead and go to School and see how he felt later...When he got home he was magically healed...

I think they are very threatened by having the focus of attention off them - but it's funny how automatic it is. After posting to you, I decided to try a little experiement with mine - since I teach and he's in my class right after lunch (I know, weird - but that is how I got him in the first place ;-) So I said "Gee, I'm really not feeling well today...." and before I could say ANYTHING else he jumps right in and says "I'm sick. I think I have the swine flue.". Really? funny how predictable that was! He then spent the rest of the class sniffling and coughing (which he wasn't doing before). I can laugh now, but when we went to Disney World when he was 15 he got a bit of a cold and made SUCH a big deal out of it. He and my husband had to share a hotel room, and Austin rolled around all night over on his side of the room clutching his stomache and moaning "Oh, I'm sick" intermittently. In the morning he told me to go on to breakfast and then phoned me on my cell to tell me he was "throwing up all over the place" and I rushed back to the room to find that he'd managed to fake-cough hard enough to actually vomit a little tiny bit. I actually left him at the hotel and went to the park without him that day! We still bug him about that and he'll laugh about it, but today shows that more than 3 years later he still does it!