[athikers]

Some things have happened around here in the past few months that have left me... conflicted. Both of my children have birth siblings. In my son's case we have learned that ALL of his siblings (older and younger) are being raised by his birth mom. So, I ask myself, shouldn't she be raising him also? Now, my son has special needs... caused by his birth mom... so I don't know if she has the skills to meet his needs or if he would overwhelm her and leave her unable to parent any of the kids well. But it has me thinking... if he can understand someday, I will have the unfortunate task of trying to explain why his siblings were raised by his mom and he was not.

On to my daughter... she has an older sibling, raised by his mom (different mom) so that is easy enough to explain to her. But, now there is a younger sibling on the way, which will be raised by her mom. If mom is capable of raising this child now, shouldn't she have been given more time to try to learn to raise Pixie? And, again, how do I explain to Pixie that mom could not raise her at the time, but less than a YEAR later (post-adoption) she was deemed fit to parent the sibling?

I love my kids, and they are MY kids, but they are also the children of their birthparents who it would seem are now capable of parenting.

It just leaves me wondering...

[Dickons]

I don't have any answers or know anything about your situation but could there be a solution in contact?

I have younger siblings on both sides and it never bothered me that they had them, rather it made me glad they were able to...

Kind regards,
Dickons

[laceyc]

It sounds like a case of too little too late. I know that sounds harsh but reading the posts around here and seeing what I know is going on in the world around us it seems that no one jumps to tpr and adoption quickly. I'm sorry that the job of explanation falls to you. It makes no sense.

[millie58]

that will happen with my 2 youngest. Their bio mom has a baby girl. I already told them that her brain was sick; that's why they weren't with her. When they're age appropriate, I'll tell them that she's better and is able to take care of their baby sister. With my 2 oldest: their bio mom got married 2 months after P came home from the RTC he was in. He thought he would go with her; it took awhile for him learn what TPR meant.

I didn't want them to go to the wedding but he thought he'd be ok.

[sunnymommy]

Yeah, my daughter's 2 older half sisters are set for reunification next month. How to explain when she's older why they were all in care at the same time, but mom wanted them back, but not her (declined visits at birth, relinquished and asked us to adopt).

[Juliana13]

Same here. My toddler daughter is the youngest of 5 siblings. The older four are being adopted by a relative. She alone is being placed outside the bio family for adoption.

I tell you, it is much easier to explain infant adoption to my older two, as their birthmothers were young, single, etc. - and how they later went on to get married and have children. But what do I tell my youngest? The aunt who is adopting the older children already feels guilty for not taking her, but feels like she honestly can't do it. We love her and feel good about having her in our family (and away from her bio family - lots of issues there), but how do we help her when she's old enough to understand?

We plan on keeping in limited contact with the new mother of the bio siblings (safety issues), but they live far enough away , and our daughter is young enough that we will likely not do visits. She will forget (mentally, not emotionally). But those older siblings will always remember their baby sister that was given to someone else. So for their sakes, I send updates and pictures, and have planned a visit near Christmas. Given the circumstances, I'm sure there will be a search as they become adults. I want our child to feel like she is 100% a member of our family; that the other children in our home are her 100% REAL siblings. And yet, honor the relationship with her bio siblings. Any ideas?

And we all seem to have similar quandries about how to explain these things to our children... Any ideas on the answers?

[AlexzandersMom]

I am in the same boat here. I am adopting my nephew, youngest of 5. The oldest two live with my parents, and the other two live back with my sister (bio mom). Its going to be hard to explain to him why she fought so hard to get two of them back but then decided to put him up for adoption. Even though she made the decision when she first found out she was pregnant. It's still going to be hard.

[arkansas parent]

Both of our sons have birth siblings. I just recently found out T was her middle child. His bmom was only in his life for a short time when he was around 3yrs.(the best I can tell she gave him to bdad when he was born) After having him only a month she deicided she didn't want him and relinquished her rights. I don't believe her other two kids have ever been in foster care.
It will be easier with baby A because we have an open adoption with his bmom. His bsister is 5yrs older than him. And she has taken steps to make sure she doesnt' get pregnant for the next five years.

[Fatcat]

Babies can't wait. If you are having a baby and a major huge crisis at the same time, the baby can't wait patiently until it's over, it needs parenting right now, so they had to give that baby up. Later on, things were okay again so they could take care of a baby again.

[shaslove]

I sort of understand from the relative point of view.

We did not take C's younger sibling, M, because we felt it was too much for our household. He may be reunified, but I think it will be easy to say, Mom and Dad could not take care of the 4 of you, but they can do 1. I don't know. Its a hard question.

[MamaS]

There are all sorts of reasons why birthparents may keep some but not all of the children:
1. As Fatcat said: A major crisis at the time -- loss of job and loss of insurance for example.
2. A different father (baby perhaps the result of an affair) and the husband not willing to parent another man's child.
3. A preference for one sex over the other (Not fair, not reasonable, but very real to some people)
4. A belief that the baby can be placed and adjust well, but that no one would want to adopt "older" children.
5. The ability to hide a pregnancy and place a newborn without being condemned by others.
People will ask questions if a 2-year-old suddenly "disappears".
6. A feeling that she has "reached her limit" emotionally and she just can't parent any more, even though she continues to get pregnant and give birth to more.

Perhaps adoptive parents in this situation could look at the positive - How wonderful that we got you for our child - instead of the negative How awful that your birthmother is raising your siblings but not you?

[mimiandgigi]

Hi, I am a pre-adoptive mother or 4 boys. I was their foster mother and the adoption is almost finalized. The birth mother of my kids has 12 children, 1-7 were adopted already in another state and I have #8-11, which she surrendered her rights to this year because she was just getting off of drugs and knew she was not able to care for them, 3 special needs. #12 is a 1, the bio mom was on drugs in the beginning of the pregnancy but got clean and has been clean for almost a year. ACS says she can parent the last child, but they said if she didn't surrender her rights they would have terminated them anyway. The go by what they do at the time the children are in foster care, while my kids were in foster care, she was still using not visiting the kids they gave her a chance to get her act together and she didn't. But now she kind of woke up with her last one and has gotten clean and hopefully doing her best. When my boys are old enough to understand, I will explain that their birth mother at the time we adopted you was not able to care for you, she was very sick and she knew we would take very good care of you. Then I'll answer any questions they have. All you can do is tell the truth and answer questions and let them know you love them. Even though their bio mom is clean now, she still couldn't parent my boys, she is a recovering addict that can start up again, the pressure of 3 special needs children may cause her to go back to her old ways.

[athikers]

MamaS,

I just want to clarify, I'm not saying in any way that my kids birthparents are awful for not raising them. I think if any of my kids birthparents had a choice, they WOULD be raising them. That was not really the intent of my post.

I also think its very different to discuss an infant relinquishment that may come about for any of the reasons you listed, versus a foster-adoptive placement that is very typically against the will of the birth parents.

[lakin11]

I've been meaning to add my thoughts to this. We have adopted a sibling group of 3. In their case, both parents abandoned them. Bio mom chose to disappear and 'hide' the child she was pregnant with at the time they were removed. (not together with their bdad anymore, different bdad). She then chose to take that child out of the country from the time he was 3 months old until he was 3, he was raised by pgpas. She still did not come forward on their case, until 20 months later, when her next child (#5) was removed. When he eventually got placed with us, she tried to get the older 3 back, even though they were not willing to reopen services for her.

She signed rights over eventually, mostly to ensure that they would let her have #5 back. She completed all services for him, and he did go home after 1 year. She never did a single service for the three of them. She is now raising #4, #5, and #6 with their biofather. They know she never came to any of the visits set up with them. They know she did have visits w/ their 1/2 brother. They have asked the hard question of why she didn't make good choices for them like she did him. Our explanation is that she loves all of them, but she just waited too long to make better choices in their case. The judge was glad she made better choices for 1/2 brother, and she did it when she was supposed, so thats why he went back to live with her. They are still young, so they don't ask much about it. We suspect the three she is raising may come into care down the road, but continue to pray they are safe. Is she capable of parenting? Yes. Does she stay out of illegal activities? No so sure.

Our FD's we are about to be adopting have a 1/2 sib due anytime. While there are still a lot of concerns about bio mom's situation, she also signed consents, and is now refusing to tell anyone where she is. It is very likely they will have no relationship with this 1/2 sibling. In this case, it is only b/c the CW feels sorry for bmom and does not want to take yet another of her children (was not happy the case went to TPR). She is currently not capable of raising this child. Hoping the bio father of this one and his family are there to step in.

I don't know how to explain it to them as they get older and have more questions. I know it is going to hurt like hell. I'm not sure what we can do to help them deal with the future. I totally understand where you are coming from.