[Sunshine4me]

Today I had the opportunity to visit my 11 month FFD at the daycare and when I saw her she acted like she barely recognized me! My husband and I had her for 6 months and we were very bonded with her. She was always so loving with us, but today it was like she didn't even care that I was there. She was not responding to me the way she did just 3 weeks ago. Please give me your thoughts on this. After RU, can a 11 month baby forget so easily? I played peek a boo with her and she always used to laugh and look for me. Today, it's like she didn't even know what game I was playing. Has anyone else experienced this?

[kbabel77]

It's so hard to say with infants. We will never know what they remember and what effect it has on them. while we were adopting our kids from Guatemala we were able to visit them at 8 weeks, 2 months, 4 months, and six months of age (by choice.) I really don't think they remembered us at all and in fact we could have been doing more harm then we originally thought taking them away from their foster moms for a week at a time. Anyway, we had the opportunity to visit one of our former foster sons after he was adopted. i think it was like 3 weeks or something after he left we went to his baptisim and he didn't seem to remember us at all (5 months old.) Then we saw him again when he was 1 and although he didn't have any clue who we were at that point he held his arms out for me to hold him which his mom said he never does for anyone.


I think you need to remember that she has just gone through another huge adjustment in her life and maybe decided to close down for awhile to cope. plus if you stayed at home with her and now she is in day care (not sure that is the case) she is trying to get used to that transition too.

and maybe, maybe just maybe she is mad at you. she may have recognized you and wanted so bad to connect but was so confused about what is going on in her life. Of course it's not your fault but to that little girl you were her mama and then you were gone.

i wish we could know what they are thinking. Don't ever think those 6 months she spent with you were forgotten. you have forever changed her life with your love and care.

[o2b30again]

Here is our experience...

Our foster/adopt daughter came home here at 11m. She had visits for 4 months 3 times per week with her bio's until termination. She always seemed to just zone out when it was time to transport. It always took her some time to "come back" after visits. After visits stopped we thought that it would get better. Actually her anxiety increased. She started pulling her hair out when placed in her carseat. She dodged her GAL and SW like the plague. Refused to eat foods that she used to love (foods that her bio's fed her during visits) And if someone picked her up she just froze and zoned out. All of this was at the young age of 18m. Turns out that she is suffering from post tramatic stress disorder. We took away her stressors and now she is pretty good Long story to get to my point but maybe she is stressing about again leaving. She doesn't have any control over who picks her up and walks out with her. Maybe she just has anxiety about her situation?

[Mkap]

we raised our ffd from 3 days to 12 months. At 9 months I went away and didn't see her for about 10 days. When I finally saw her I picked her up and hugged her, she cried and held out her arms to my dh. Seriously, it was amazing. She wanted nothing to do with me. It took weeks for her to warm up again.

[greenrobin]

A little over 2 years ago we had a wonderful group of kids, two of whom were just babies--13 months and 3 months. They stayed about 6 weeks before RU with relatives. We thought they were still at home, but it turned out that they'd been returned to care, but since we were so close to the end of our case, the agency decided to not even tell us they were back.

So, after the babies had been with their current fm, another in our agency, for about 4 months, we had the opportunity to see them at a training. They were beautiful, smart, well-cared for now. And so big! Anyway, when I went to see them, they looked at me, cocked their little heads and stared. Then dh showed up. He has worn a goatee for years. Little Man heard his voice and looked up. Then he pointed and touched his hand to his own chin. Banana kept shaking her head as if she was trying to jar loose a memory.

I'm convinced they remembered. Just like I'm convinced your former baby remembers you but can't quite process everything yet. It might just be too soon and too confusing.

[shycar]

Its so interesting. Who knows how much a baby can remember. I think it depends on the child.

Here is our two stories. Our baby boy came to us at 4 months old. He was in another home that was shut down and then a respit home for a few days. He got attached to me fast, very attached. When I would take him to visit he would be fine until his bparent walked in. Then he would cry and cry, until he saw me at the end. He would give me such a weak smile when he saw me, like it was a relief I was there. Well tpr happened in beginin of Jan and they have never seen him since. We had our first visit last weekend, thats what a little over 10 months. Let me tell my little guy is shy by nature, but warms up after awhile and then wont mind being held by others. He wont panic with strangers, just a little shy. When his bparents walked in the McDs he began to cry and shake his head. It was instant panic. He screamed when they held him. I was shocked, becouse I did not think he would remember, but he did. The visit was an hour long and he wanted nothing to do with them, they could not even talk to him. I felt bad for them. After visit he was so clingy, he had to sleep with us that night, due to not wanting us to let him go. But I do believe he does remember. We are now deciding if we will have another visit again or just letters and pictures.

With my oldest son was totally different. He was placed with us at 15 months old. His bmom dissapeared. He never had visits with her until a month before tpr. That was a year after his removal (he also was in another foster home before he came to us). On first visit he walked in and ignored her and went to play with toys. Bmom was upset he did not remembered her. I was not surprised it was a year. My ds is not shy at all he will talk to anyone. So when visit started he was fine with it, until she insist him on calling her momma, then he started to not want to see her. So he really did not remember who she was.

[RNFosterMom]

We have had 2 toddlers (15 months) reunify this year, one who had been with us 8 months, the other one 13 months. The common thread we've been told by their Moms is that after RU they became strongly bonded to the men in their lives, which kind of goes along with the fact that my husband was the stay at home parent and is very nurturing.

The first one to go home my husband was able to see 3-4 times after RU. By the 4th time, she wanted nothing to do with him and seemed attached to her Mom. But the first few times, she seemed very conflicted about what to do.

The second one left 3 weeks ago. He does still seem to remember us (we saw him this week for the first time) and he cried when my husband left. This one's Mom says she wants us to remain in his life, so we'll see what happens with that.

These experiences have helped me to realize that even though I almost always have a tough time supporting RU because of all the fears I have about the parents, the kids do seem to be able to attach to them -- and perhaps the pain and worry I feel is more about my attachment to them than theirs is to me? I'm still figuring this out. But know that you are not alone in your feelings....

[Jensboys]

We had baby from 6 weeks until 13 months. she had a very hard time transitioning back ... (so we were told). About 6 months later her mom brought her over for a visit. She would NOT have anything to do with mom AT ALL during the visit and freaked right out when anyone tried to take her out of my arms. Screaming, crying the whole shebang. I think that sealed our fate that we wouldnt have another visit. Mom was bringing her by to prove how "good" things were going - in what was a bad, bad situation. The fact that baby still preferred me was very hard on her.

Our current fd (17 months) seems to respond differently at each visit with her mom. Sometimes she is happy to see her sometimes not. The 7 month old doesnt know her at all and is happy as long as I am in the room.

I would say that probably your fd is in shock, shut down emotionally and really cant process or believe that it was REALLY you. I am sure if you saw her at home she would respond normally and probably be very clingy. My mom often tells a story of how they left behind my sister for a 2 week holiday when she was a year old. My sister cried for weeks for the friend that had cared for her and my mother felt guilty for years.

[sandysis]

After reading these responses it almost seems like it may not be in the best interest of a reunited child to continue visiting with a former foster parent, as hard as that might be on us - the former foster parents.

I can see the obvious importance of more and more frequent visitation with b-parents as they get closer to RU.

But I can imagine that it could really confuse and maybe even scare a young child to see a former foster parent. Maybe the best way for a young child to cope with her life is to live in the moment and not feel that her current situation is at risk.

Just some thoughts.

sandysis

[athikers]

We had visits with a ffs for months after he was moved (more of respite than visits). It was awful for him and us. After the visits/respite with us finally stopped we did not see him for four months. When we did, at first I thought he had no idea who I was.... but then he gave my son a look like "just who are YOU?!?!? being held by MY MOMMY!" And blew me a kiss, which we had taught him to do Cute.

I don't think the visits were good for him, I think he was very confused as the two households were VERY different. He does okay where he is now and I just have to believe that and hold onto that.

[Sunshine4me]

I agree that it is not in the child's best interest for me to visit again. I do think she was confused and most likely shut down emotionally. That night I was very emotional, so it was not good for me either. I will pray for her everyday and hope that she is safe. I will always love her and definitely love her enough to let go. Thank you for your replys.

[MassachusettsMom]

Interesting thread.... My question is: Isn't it good for our former foster kids to see us after RU so they don't think that people just disappear from their lives? We have not seen our FFS since RU (we were his second set of FPs) and I still worry that he wonders what happened to his previous parents. But would it be worse for him to see us? (Our FFS was 10 months when we got him and 19 months when he RUed, and this was more than a year ago.)

[momraine]

I would think if they go back to thier bio parents, seeing the foster parents might make them fear that they will be taken from thier bios again.