[lakin11]

My kids have been adopted since June. They've been here just shy of 4 yrs now. In all that time, they NEVER had a bio parent visit. Bio mom left the kids alone in a motel room where they were living, some neighbors took them in a few days, and when she still never came back, took them to the police, who then turned them over to CPS. She never showed up to the scheduled visits and for 2 years no one heard a word from her. Then her 5th child was removed for unrelated set of events. Suddenly she was the loving, concerned mother who had always found out stuff about the kids and knew they were doing well, etc. (from bio dad's extended family we did have contact with). She then contested the adoption despite having never responded to the notices, etc.

So needless to say, the case ended in adoption after 3 1/2 yrs of foster care (even though both parents abandoned these kids).

I know I've posted before that we were going to have a visit with bio mom sometime this fall. We did offer her 2 visits per year, post adoption. She did drop her part of the contested adoption and signed consents. She says she understands if it takes the kids awhile to come around to the idea of a visit, but still holds on to this mindset that she is MOMMY. The kids were 2,3, and JUST turned 5 when they came. My oldest is now almost 9. He is the one who has any memories of the bios, which is only a handful, given that they were always shuffled around between family and anyone who would watch them.

We have been talking a little here and there about the first visit, trying to prepare the kids for it. The 7 and 6 yr olds really don't seem to care, curious to see her, but not emotional about it (at least at this time). My 8 yr old however, just lost it today. Crying hysterically. He's mad b/c the last time he saw her, she lied and said she was going to the store to get juice and then left and never came back. He is sad because she never came to the visits. He is sad because she made better choices to get 1/2 brother back (we had him for a year, been home a year now). He bawled for a good 20 minutes today.

I'm sooooo mad FOR him b/c she just walked away and now thinks she can just walk back into their lives. I know he still lives with this torn heart of still loving this idea of her, but still being so mad at her. He is not currently in counseling.

I have loved these kids since the day they walked through my doors and would walk through fire for them. It makes me mad as a mother to wrap my head around her just walking away. Of course her version of the story is different, but I still know the truth.

I worry that my son is going to do this flip and try to get her approval by rejecting us, his new name, etc. Or feeling like he has to go all lovey dovey on her, with hugs, kisses, etc....but b/c he thinks that's what she wants (and she does) not because its what he wants. We've told him that if he feels uncomfortable during the visit, we can stop it and try again another time. He is obviously dealing with a lot of mixed emotions.

I don't know how to help him prepare for this visit, or if there is anything we can do to prepare him.

This is more of a vent than anything. Any words of wisdom appreciated!

[soupnazi]

She doesn't sound like she even cares, I'm not sure why you are bothering with visits.

If he's that upset about it then I would not let/make him visit her until he's older & can handle it better.

[thelowlanders]

Perhaps he can write down his feelings. Good and bad. Write down questions for her. maybe alot of his "Why?"s. She can do her best to answer them. It might help him find closure. Even if she's not completely honest with the answers....

I don't know...just and idea.

I think I saw it off a movie. Write all the feelings of anger on pieces of paper. Then (safely together) burn them and have him say out loud "I forgive you". Although she's not there, the bitterness in his heart could possibly pass. I've done this, and actually kinda liked it.

[shy_bear]

If it were me, I would put him therapy and tell her the visit is going to have to wait. You owe her nothing; she walked away from her kids. When your child is in a better place emotionally and they are all old enough to decide if they want to see her then bring up the subject of visits.

[dachshunds4you]

I agree with the other PP's. I really can't believe after adoption you'd even agree to visits. I mean I understand...but I wouldn't give a hoot for her feelings or anything else. She abandoned these kids, and now all these yrs later wants to hurt them again, maybe not intentionally.

I'd listen to your son, and not make him visit her at all.

I do like thelowlanders suggestion, and think this would be something great for him to do. Sometimes writing things down really does help us all.

[lakin11]

She signed consents. We are obligated to do 2 visits per year. So not going is not an option.

ETA: If we start the visit and it is not going well, we can end it at any time. So if we are there 5 mins, we are there 5 minutes.

I'm going to start calling around for a therapist or someone who can hopefully help us get through this.

[cecegarrett]

Do you live in a state where they can hold you to the open part of the adoption? Is that why you can't postpone for a long period of time? I would get some therapy for your son ASAP. Even though, I must say, his feelings are healthy and you have obviously done a great job as mommy.

I have no real advice other than follow your mommy gut.

[hkolln]

I also agree with the PP's.

We just stopped contact with our daughter Biomom. She has her own agenda and calls and texts only when she's not able to speak to her other kids that were also adopted by other family members. It's sad that she is like that (narcissistic) and only has contact when it's for her own enjoyment. Lately it's been that she wants our daughter to know that her Mommy loves her. It's just not healthy for our daughter. She has no contact with one of her other daughters and a no contact order with her son.

If it's not healthy for him I wouldn't have him go. If it's upsetting him then wait til he's older. Our daughter is 10 and I just told her biomom that there will be no contact until she's 18 period. She did some pretty terrible things to her and I have no obligation to continue contact, especially when it's not healthy for our daughter.

And get him into therapy if possible. Our therapist is great and has helped our daughter deal with alot of the issues her biomom continuously places upon her little shoulders. Hopefully it will get better without contact (it was great for the 1 1/2 yrs of no contact).

[lakin11]

We are legally bound to honor the agreement. We can go back to court and have it ended, but would require us to show some proof of it being harmful to the children.

[BZmom7]

Ok, I'm not totally understanding all of this. What will happen if you DONT allow the visits? Could you be charged with something or something like that? Just doesn't make sense to me...but then again...most of foster care doesn't make sense.

[lakin11]

Not charged with anything...but if we didn't comply, she could take us to court and a judge could force us to comply.

[stevenstwin]

Yes, I see your position. You are bound by the agreement, so the best you can do is try to mitigate the damage for your son. I have no "advice" since you are obviously already dealing with this exactly the way you should - so I'll just offer you my "cyber support"! Part of me hopes she screws it up badly enough that you can end the agreement - but more of me hopes this can be some sort of positive closure for your son.

[lakin11]

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

Yes, I see your position. You are bound by the agreement, so the best you can do is try to mitigate the damage for your son. I have no "advice" since you are obviously already dealing with this exactly the way you should - so I'll just offer you my "cyber support"! Part of me hopes she screws it up badly enough that you can end the agreement - but more of me hopes this can be some sort of positive closure for your son.

Exactly! Thanks

[hrisme]

Jumping in, not surprisingly, from another point of view.

Yes, this "mom" was wrong to walk away, to lie to her kids, and to do whatever else she did to get them removed. Yet, the same prejudices I've seen in other posts come out here--she must not care, she's a terrible person, and her feelings don't matter. She "sounds like she doens't care" is a major judgement for not knowing anything about this individual's situation! Even with the facts, this individuals perspectives are based on her personal experiences, and the way she sees things may not be the same way you see them--especially when the (understandable!) emotions of how her choices effected your children come into play. Continuing with feelings of resentment and anger only serve to hurt the children. I firmly believe all parents, including those who have had children removed for whatever reasons, did the best they could with the resources they had available. I've seen "terrible" mothers make huge turnabouts and become wonderful parents to future children, and develop positive relationships with children who have been placed, with positive results for all involved. I've also seen situations where visitations need to be decreased for awhile, if you have a positive relationship with the birthmother she's a lot more likely to go along with this than if it's apparent you're doing the visits only out of a sense of obligation.

The best thing to do to prepare a child for a post-placement visit is validate feelings, and it sounds as if that's exactly what you're doing. Let me know it's okay if he's angry, nervous, happy, or a little bit of all of the above. Talk to him about how it's okay to love more than one person, and how loving you doesn't mean he doesn't have to love her any more. Encourage him to ask questions, I like the suggestion of writing them down. And you've let him know that he can have some control of the situation, and leave if it becomes overwhelming. Can you take two individuals to the visit so one can stay with the other children & continue the visit if he decides not to stay? That, perhaps, may be enough to convince the birthmom that they are doing okay & would not neccesitate rescheduling until the next visit.

As others have suggested, counseling is strongly advisable, as soon as possible.

[lakin11]

Originally Posted by hrisme

Jumping in, not surprisingly, from another point of view.

Yes, this "mom" was wrong to walk away, to lie to her kids, and to do whatever else she did to get them removed. Yet, the same prejudices I've seen in other posts come out here--she must not care, she's a terrible person, and her feelings don't matter. She "sounds like she doens't care" is a major judgement for not knowing anything about this individual's situation! Even with the facts, this individuals perspectives are based on her personal experiences, and the way she sees things may not be the same way you see them--especially when the (understandable!) emotions of how her choices effected your children come into play. Continuing with feelings of resentment and anger only serve to hurt the children. I firmly believe all parents, including those who have had children removed for whatever reasons, did the best they could with the resources they had available. I've seen "terrible" mothers make huge turnabouts and become wonderful parents to future children, and develop positive relationships with children who have been placed, with positive results for all involved. I've also seen situations where visitations need to be decreased for awhile, if you have a positive relationship with the birthmother she's a lot more likely to go along with this than if it's apparent you're doing the visits only out of a sense of obligation.

The best thing to do to prepare a child for a post-placement visit is validate feelings, and it sounds as if that's exactly what you're doing. Let me know it's okay if he's angry, nervous, happy, or a little bit of all of the above. Talk to him about how it's okay to love more than one person, and how loving you doesn't mean he doesn't have to love her any more. Encourage him to ask questions, I like the suggestion of writing them down. And you've let him know that he can have some control of the situation, and leave if it becomes overwhelming. Can you take two individuals to the visit so one can stay with the other children & continue the visit if he decides not to stay? That, perhaps, may be enough to convince the birthmom that they are doing okay & would not neccesitate rescheduling until the next visit.

As others have suggested, counseling is strongly advisable, as soon as possible.

I agree, despite her faults, she's not an evil person. She screwed up in a big way, no denying that, but I don't think she's a monster. We've actually developed a decent relationship with her over the past 2 years. She is very generous about letting the 1/2 siblings spend time with my kids, even though it means she's not included in some of those events. She is raising 3 of their 1/2 siblings decently.

I want these visits to benefit the kids now and in their future. Its just that first big hurdle of getting that visit and intial 'remeeting' that throws up some problems.