[melicious276]

Hi everyone-

I'm in my early 20s and recently moved back home to bond with/help my parents with my new foster-to-adopt sister.

It's been just over two months, and we've already had our ups and downs, but the biggest issue we are facing is my little sister's over eating. In the two months she's been here, she's gained over 20 lbs (at her doctor's appointment six months ago, she weighed 107, she's now 133 and only 5' tall).

My mom has been measuring out serving sizes, we've tried a snack bin, we've hidden all snack food...I don't know what we can do! We are aware that this is likely a psychological issue on her part. She'll eat so much that not everyone at the table will get fed. She goes through about half a box of cereal a day and will throw a temper tantrum if you don't let her have a 4th bowl. Perhaps related to this, when we go out to a restaurant, she without fail will choose the most expensive thing on the menu to eat.

We've brought this up to her psychologist, psychiatrist, pediatrician, social worker...no one is helping us! Everyone says "just give her more fruits and vegetables."

Her previous foster mom (who she was with a year) said they locked all food and she had to ask for a snack and was just not given more when she was "hungry." They had several young children and so she had lots of playmates to run around with, which is perhaps how she kept the weight off. With us, she refuses to do any sort of exercise, including dance classes, wii fit, aerobics, etc. She'll go for walks, but can only go about 1/4 of a mile before she's too tired to continue. And she'll start to cry if you start to encourage her.

Any advice? In general, the only things she likes to do are eat and sit on the computer...

[soupnazi]

How old is she?

[stevenstwin]

it is hard to suggest solutions without a better understanding of the cause. Here are some possibilities - her life is so far out of her control, this is the only thing she feels she CAN control. In which case, efforts to control her diet or activity will totally backfire and should not be done. Or she may have been chronically underfed, and fear that she'll never have "enough". In which case, she needs assurance she'll not go hungry - locking up food would be very counter to this. My FS had this problem, and we gave him a pantry shelf that was all his, that no one else could touch, until he learned to trust there'd always be food. Or she might have been sexually abused, and be over-eating as a way to protect herself (in the belief no one will want her sexually). THAT will require therapy and self-esteem building. Or she could be deeply depressed and eating to fill an emotional void. Is any of this sounding possible, given her history? The one thought I have through ALL of these scenarios is that restricting the food a teen can have is likely to backfire and cause her to really binge eat, or else lead to an eating disorder because of the constant messages of disapproval.

[michsm]

I know you said you talkked to her psychiatrist, medication can cause this. I have a 16yr fd that is on meds that make her extremely tired and hungry. She never wants to do any physical activity. She is hungry all the time. She will also eat 3 or 4 bowls of cereal with no problem. She craves all the carbs and will only eat fruits to humor me. It is very frustrating. She will eat her half box of cereal before school and then go to school and eat breakfast there. She needs the amount of meds she is on to keep her stable but she takes them @ 10pm and is still needs a nap when she gets home @
4pm. She will also cry if I tell her she has had enough and will order the largest meal at the restaurant. I give her a dollar limit at resturants and she now has to work within that if she is still hungry she can wait till we get home.

My other daughter just started the same meds about 2 months ago and is going through the exact same thing. Always hungry and never wants to do any physical activity.

Just a thought, good luck.

[thelowlanders]

How old is she? Coming of age could be part of it.

And is there birthcontrol in the situation? That can have a huge effect I've noticed on moods, and eating, etc.

[akg1229]

I would definetly 2nd the Meds theory. Oh, and while you're concerned about her weight, harping on her probably isn't helping either. It's probably causing frustration. I know when I was a teen and on so many meds my moms suggestions and trying to encourage me made me feel like she was calling me fat all the time. Kids coming from FC already have self esteem issues a lot . this may not be the best way to handle this situation. I agree with the poster who says make a shelf or bin just for her and fill it with healthy snacks. when I was younger I didnt even taste the foods I ate, I just kept eating cause I neve felt full. I still do that if I don't eat the right snacks. Give her apples with peanut butter, or graham crackers with peanut butter. Give her these types of snacks between meals and thats what she has access too thats "just For Her" and Milk is also healthy and fills uyp faster suggest she drinks a glass of 2% ( or lower) milk with her snacks to help her feel full. Also maybe let her take a 30 - 45 minute nap when she gets home maybe this will give her energy to mover around more. Sure helps me when it comes time to clean house ...lol

[cecegarrett]

As a chubby child and now a chubby adult... I saw some red flags that could have been easily not recognized by the general population...

As a child, I was just chubby. You know... a little rounder than my sister. In actuality, I was much thinner than most teens are these days. BUT my family would push me to lose weight and eat better. I know that this sounds daft, but with each piece of constructive criticism, I gained weight. I experienced a pretty happy childhood and can only imagine that if I spent years longing for a true home and feeling insecure would make these feelings of inadequacy much much worse.

She is in a new home, experiencing things she probably never once though she would and she may be trying to find some control. It could be disastrous to her to stress the overeating at this time.

Whether it's a meds issue or a fear thing... or simply something she does to fill a void. ( you should see the awesome things I bake when I am stressed) I think addressing the food thing with her could do way more harm than 20 extra pounds.

Best of luck to y'all and on a side note.. how awesome are you to move back home to help!

[melicious276]

Thanks for your input! She's 15, but behaves more on par with a typical 10 or 11 year old.

It is interesting about the control thing...my mom started pouring little sister her cereal each day, which usually she's fine with. But one day, my mom didn't pour enough (she gives her two of the recommended serving sizes per bowl), and she said "I will not eat that because you didn't give me enough." Another time, she got grounded for consistently not doing her homework (and lying about it), and when she found out, she told my mom she was going on a hunger strike (which lasted all of 5 minutes...).

Along side of all this, we've found that she has no ability to delay gratification. She has to have everything in the moment. She'll announce she's very full, and if we have left overs to wrap up, she'll say "no! I want to eat that now." We've also found it in other areas of her life. When we had a bin of snacks for her, she just tried to eat the whole thing in one sitting...

I think we will have to try to shelf of just food for her over the long term. I think the weeks worth of snacks being eaten in one sitting scared us off...but maybe over time it will help. Should it be kept constantly stocked? Left to her own discretion (at least at first), she WILL eat a family size box of cereal per day. Should we just have 7 boxes to get us through the week or what? Should any limits be in place? I assume she'd be free to take from the "family" section as well?

When it comes to family dinners, should we discretely separate out what is for her? Like a big serving dish that just she can take from? (I'm a vegetarian, so we often have two separate entrees anyway).

And just so you know, we never, ever hound her about her weight. She asked us once if we thought she was gaining weight, and we just said something like "are your clothes fitting okay?" She does know the numbers from her doctors' appointments. If she were to ask that again, is there a best way to approach it?

Thanks so much for your help It really helps to have the guiding hand of people who have been there and done that!

[stevenstwin]

Well, I think the key is figuring out WHY. The shelf of food for herself is only a good idea if chronic deprivation IS the reason. In my son's case he was 14 years old, nearly 6 feet tall and weight 120 pounds. There was just never anything to eat, and he wasn't allowed to go to the store of visit friends or anything. If this girl has binge eating disorder, on the other hand, then giving her a shelf of food might be a really BAD idea. One thing I'd suggest is to just not HAVE any "snacky" foods around. Make sure you are always stocked on the healthy stuff, but don't keep any junk around since if is is THERE it is a battle of wills to get her to not eat it. THat is kind of what we did with Austin - his food shelf was always healthy stuff. He DID have some pop and junk, but I bought a certain amount per week, and when it was gone, it was gone. He was not allowed to take from the snack boxes of the other two children (everything was diviied up evenly) but we was always allowed to go in the fridge for things like milk, fruits and veggies, hard boiled eggs and chees, etc.

Originally Posted by melicious276

Thanks for your input! She's 15, but behaves more on par with a typical 10 or 11 year old.

It is interesting about the control thing...my mom started pouring little sister her cereal each day, which usually she's fine with. But one day, my mom didn't pour enough (she gives her two of the recommended serving sizes per bowl), and she said "I will not eat that because you didn't give me enough." Another time, she got grounded for consistently not doing her homework (and lying about it), and when she found out, she told my mom she was going on a hunger strike (which lasted all of 5 minutes...).

Along side of all this, we've found that she has no ability to delay gratification. She has to have everything in the moment. She'll announce she's very full, and if we have left overs to wrap up, she'll say "no! I want to eat that now." We've also found it in other areas of her life. When we had a bin of snacks for her, she just tried to eat the whole thing in one sitting...

I think we will have to try to shelf of just food for her over the long term. I think the weeks worth of snacks being eaten in one sitting scared us off...but maybe over time it will help. Should it be kept constantly stocked? Left to her own discretion (at least at first), she WILL eat a family size box of cereal per day. Should we just have 7 boxes to get us through the week or what? Should any limits be in place? I assume she'd be free to take from the "family" section as well?

When it comes to family dinners, should we discretely separate out what is for her? Like a big serving dish that just she can take from? (I'm a vegetarian, so we often have two separate entrees anyway).

And just so you know, we never, ever hound her about her weight. She asked us once if we thought she was gaining weight, and we just said something like "are your clothes fitting okay?" She does know the numbers from her doctors' appointments. If she were to ask that again, is there a best way to approach it?

Thanks so much for your help It really helps to have the guiding hand of people who have been there and done that!

[melicious276]

I do believe she had times in her life where she wasn't fed. I've read her whole file, and it doesn't point to that, but I do believe it's come out in therapy. She was put in foster care about 8 years ago, if that makes a difference.

We've researched compulsive overeating, and she doesn't seem to have the symptoms for that (except the overeating part). She was tested for Prader-Willi awhile back, doesn't have that. Anything else to consider?

[Lorraine123]

It looks like a control issue or a fear issue to me. (I'm not a therapist, just a mom with a child with the same thing)

Get her a box or shelf of food. You need to assume that she will eat the entire week's worth of food in one sitting. So, be sure its really healthy food. Fruit, vegetables, cheeses, whole grains. Sunflower seeds that need to be shelled is good (takes longer to consume). I would let her eat it. Keep it full.

My daughter had a box of food in the fridge. At first, she would inhale it. Then it got a little better. After a while, she didn't even eat it, but she checked it often to be sure it was full. This took a couple of years. She still has bad food issues and she still inventories our pantry, but not like before (its now been 7 years).

Exercise as a family. Play frisbee, swim, talk about fun things while walking, dance. Take the focus off the exercise. Just enjoy it.

These are just some thoughts that popped in my head.

[Scrapsathome]

When I got married I had quite an obsession with food. I was 18, skinny as a rail, and had never had a time in my life when I was sure there would be food in the house. We lived on bologna sandwiches mostly. Suddenly having access to as much food as you want can be overwhelming and very difficult to make good choices and know when you should stop eating.

Some things you can do is make sure there is nothing "easy" to eat in the whole house. If everything requires preparation and/or cook time, it becomes a hassle to do, and so she's less likely to eat a lot of it. Cereal is an "easy" food to eat, so maybe stop buying cereal for now. If she has to cook up extra eggs or something like that for breakfast, she may be less likely to go back for more. She's 15, she's definitely old enough to be taught how to scramble an egg or make pancakes herself.

The other thing, is make sure that everything you normally buy is now the much healthier version. The bread we use now is the Sarah Lee 45 calorie bread. We use lunch meat that has the lowest calorie/fat ratio, too. So I can eat three sandwhiches for the same caloric value as I used to have in one sandwich. If you want snacks, make it a food that's more difficult to eat, like apples instead of bananas and corn on the cob instead of canned corn. Also, make sure you find foods that naturally have more protein in them, because then she will feel fuller longer. Oatmeal for breakfast keeps me feeling full. Cereal leaves me hungry an hour later.

Finally, see if you can get her to agree to drink a large glass of water before beginning her meal. Make it something your whole family does. That will make her feel fuller and she'll have less room for everything else. And you could check the time when you start eating. Tell her she can have seconds 20 minutes later. And thirds can only come 20 minutes after that. That will give her body time to digest the food and inform her brain that she's already full/satisfied.

As for restaurants, I'd say avoid expensive ones with fattening foods. Get takeout from Subway and only order the sandwiches on their "6 grams of fat" list. Or go to one of those soup or salad only places. Or tell her to find the most expensive thing on the menu, but if she orders something cheaper, you'll give her the difference in cash to use to buy new clothes or something.

To get our kids to go for long walks, we always have a goal in mind. Wanna eat out? We have to walk to the restaurant today. Want to rent a video? We have to walk to the video place. How about if to use the computer she has to walk to a place that has wi-fi?

Speaking as someone who has been struggling with her weight ever since she started eating regular meals... just keep at it.

Jess