[catkendig]

I overheard my fs the other night at dinner telling my mom and bio-kids that he has a 'secret'. He says his mother told him a big secret but he can't tell anyone because 'people might get mad.' My mom tried to get it out of him - no luck. Last night I tried as well and he conveniently forgot what it was. Yeah, right. That kid never forgets anything - ever.

I intend to mention it to the cw today and possibly to his mom as well. Just to let her know that I feel it's inappropriate for fs to be talking about big secrets and how it affects the trust factor in the house. FS has trust issues to begin with.

Any thoughts on how I can get this 'secret' out of him? Or, is this a losing battle? I suspect it has something to do with the upcoming court date and mom's belief that he is coming home. But if that's the case, why tell fs that people would be mad? That's not true and I don't want him to think that. Of course we'll be sad for us but happy for him (and mom). I told him this just in case this was the big secret. But it does upset me that he's keeping secrets under the direction of his mom. Thoughts?

Thanks!

[Biblemom]

Do NOT try and get him to tell you the 'secret'. Tell the caseworker and let her deal with it. Or a therapist. The 'powers that be' will not believe you. They will try and say you questioned him inappropriately. Been there, done that.

[Drywall]

catkendig...what I would suggest for your evaluation, is no direct questioning in regards to that secret...but rather to create an atmosphere with him that indicates there's nothing he can't tell you. Regardless of what he shares, you won't be shocked or judgmental....there is nothing he can't tell you, no matter how bad it may be, ( in his eyes)... the love you have for him is unconditional and he never needs to be afraid.

This also will help bonding with you...he will have found someone with whom he can share everything and know there will be no consequences. Once that trust issue is resolved, he will share with you all the daily events of his life and there will be no secrets. This will take some time and he will test you to find out if what you promised is true.

I wish you the best.

[crick]

I agree with Drywall's approach. Rather than trying to dig it out of him, work on creating a trustworthy atmosphere where he feels safe to tell you anything.

You can also mention it to his CW but I wouldn't question him directly for many reasons, some as stated above.

[Hadley2]

A word of caution, though. If you tell him directly that he can tell you anything, that there won't be consequences, etc., then he tells you something and there ARE consequences--like cw's or police questioning him or mom going to jail or something like that--you will damage his ability to trust in others severely.

Show him your trustworthiness rather than trying to talk him into it believing in it. Just work on being a trustworthy person, which means, and I have trouble with this often enough, showing trust for him, too. In this case, leaving well enough alone because you trust that he would tell you something if he should.

This is a good reminder to everyone to NEVER question a foster child about anything hinky involving the parents or potential allegations against any adults or other children. This was gone over very thoroughly in our training, I am surprised it wasn't covered in yours. There are right ways and wrong ways in terms of the child's development as well as right ways and wrong ways in terms of "getting the truth" and have it be credible enough for court.

[EandDmom]

We had this pop up awhile back. All you can (or should do) is tell the cw. That is what we did and she with her years of experience knew exactly how to handle it and did get her to tell her secret. She had been talking to her daddy on the cell phone who was not allowed any contact with the children while they were in the bathroom having a potty break away from the watching cw. Fd will now sometimes talk about who is her friend and who she can tell secrets too. Us, cw, therapist and casa. Good luck I know how hard this is cause your mind just goes crazy with the what ifs and what is your fchild being made part of.