[faithlovehope09]

My DH and i are having a very difficult time dealing with the upcoming loss of our precious FS. he turns 1 year on fri and we are having a big family party for him on sat. We lost him briefly for 10 days in may to his bio dad however dad went to jail and we got him right back. in our opinion he never should have been given to dad. csb missed 2 dui's he had only a month prior to getting him back! Anyhow, dad was released from jail and him and bio mom are fighting etc and csb determined he cannot return to either one of them. when FS first came to us he was living with bio mom and great gma. great gma and mom got into an altercation and police were called. he was neglected and reaked of smoke as both gma and mom smoked heavily around him. Now CSB is going to give great GMA temporary custody as early as court next week! they said no one else is qualified to take him and she will pass her HS. great gma has admitted she's only taking FS so that he wont get adopted and she hopes his bio mom will one day get her act together. she's 66 years old. DH and i just dont understand what their thinking is on this. We are worried that bio mom who is losing her apartment and lost her job will move in with great gma again and FS will have more chaos. We are just devastated. it feels as tho someone in our home is dying as we wait this out. i want this pain to get easier although it feels like it never will. What are your thoughts on this situation? has anyone experienced their foster children going to a great grandparent? He's our very first baby as my DH and i have been unable to have kids so far. i'm having such a hard time! thanks for listening....

[Withay]

I know that this is hard, but as foster parents we must remember that first and foremost the goal is always reunification. Only once all efforts towards that fail is the goal changed to the alternate plan.

Just because great grandma is 66 doesn't mean that she can't and won't take care of her great grandson. The fact that she smokes is not great, but it is not illegal.

CSB undoubtedly knows a great deal more about this situation than do you and dh. They know more about the family and have more experience in 'reading' what the family dynamics are. It may look like, and may happen, that mom is planning on moving in with great grandma after your fs is moved. CSB will be watching. They don't, as a general rule, move a child to a relative placement and then drop out of the picture. They will be aware of how things are going.

The best thing you can do is support your fs during the transition. If you have a cell phone you might want to, with the cw approval, let the great grandma have the number in case she has a quesiton.

One way to help everyone, including yourself and dh is to write down everything about your fs that will help when he moves home. Include everything from who the pediatrician is, what size diapers he wears, what size shirts, pants, pjs, shoes and socks, what his daily routine is, what does he usually have for breakfast and what time, lunch, dinner, when does he nap, have a bottle, what he likes to play with and games you play with him, etc. All of this will help make things easier for him, which is the goal.

Above all, remember that you are an adult and he is a child. You can handle this, but he will need support. I'm not saying that it will be easy, but this will help.

I have had over 100 fc and have had many of them go to relatives, even when I didn't feel it was the best thing. Doing the above has always helped.

Good luck.

[heatherandlouis]

I am sorry that you are sad and I understand your greif. It is so hard and you have the right to grieve the loss of the child that you love.

[Mkap]

I feel your pain, I really do. And unlike Withay, I have very little confidence in CPS making correct decisions regarding the welfare of children. Especially where kinship is concerned. I feel they need to change the kinship rules drastically to protect children. Our very first fd came to us at 2 days old. She stayed for only 2 weeks while her great aunt and uncle struggled over whether or not they wanted to take her. They finally decided to do it, but 9 months later uncle's cancer returned and CPS was calling dh and I to see if we could take her back. It's wrong. Pray for your little one and know that he will take the love you have given him and grow with it. Hang in there and trust that you may not know why this is happening at this point in time, but eventually you will look back and everything will be clear. Perhaps this sweet baby will return to you or perhaps your forever child is still waiting to find you. I'll be thinking of you, be strong. I know how difficult it is. You WILL be ok, you will and so will he.

[mamachell]

Do you have the ability to file for 3rd party/intervenor status in your state?

What does the child's GAL/AAL/CASA think?

Can you at least write a letter directly to the judge detailing your fs's time with you and how well he's doing?

[Withay]

I really do. And unlike Withay, I have very little confidence in CPS making correct decisions regarding the welfare of children. Especially where kinship is concerned. I feel they need to change the kinship rules drastically to protect children. Our very first fd came to us at 2 days old. She stayed for only 2 weeks while her great aunt and uncle struggled over whether or not they wanted to take her. They finally decided to do it, but 9 months later uncle's cancer returned and CPS was calling dh and I to see if we could take her back. It's wrong.

Mkap - I, too have seen some cases where the relatives weren't the best for the child, but I do believe that - in my area at least - CPS does watch.

Also, in the case of your first fd having to come back into care because her uncles cancer came back. I'm sorry, but people don't have control over something like that. If people who have had cancer in the past were eliminated as possible resources then there would be a whole lot of people who are never allowed to foster or adopt, even though they have been cancer free for 10+ years.

I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.

[faithlovehope09]

mamachell,
We have never talked with a CASA/GAL/or AAL so i wouldn't know what they think! What is 3rd party/intervenor status? i'm in ohio and this was our first placement. DH and i did find out that this GREAT GMA that CSB wants FS to live with was the GMA that birth mom was living with when our FS was born. it states right in our paperwork that GREAT GMA and BIO mom have a volatile relationship and FS can no longer be in the home. Our FS only had a visit for 2 hours on wednesday and he reaked of smoke all over his clothes and they arent even allowed to smoke in the building! From what the first CW told us back in january our FS's crib was kicked in and his dresser at GREAT gma's house. I just am so uncomfortable with this situation i feel sick.

Withay, thank you so much for your post, i really appreciate all the advice that you gave me and plan on being supportive of our FS and writing everything down for great gma. we have a meeting with her next week. I admire you for all the children you have helped throughout your years I do however see MKAP's points and agree with her as we are side by side in ohio and only a few counties over. our FS went to his bio dad in may after csb's recommendation that he was close to perfect and judge sent him home with a 6 month protection order. 10 days later we got FS back as bio dad got a DUI, child endangerment, and hit/skip. We also learned that for over 2 months he had not had a job and had been fired, he was almost ready to be evicted from his apt and had bio mom living with him the whole entire time behind csb's back. He had just gotten a DUI and driving under suspended license 3 weeks prior to csb giving him back and DUH then didn't catch that either!!! bio dad had some excuse that he didn't pay a ticket and they bought it rather than checking into it. How stupid can you be? Had CSB checked dads employment to verify he still had a job prior to giving the child back to him they would have avoided endangering FS. the only way they caught him was another DUI and that was the police!! csb doesn't watch anything in this case...... i wont even get into our FD's case who is 8 months and was born addicted to heroine, cocaine, meth, and zanax. it's a possibility that we can lose her also soon to another no good situation..... I also have little confidence and so does my DH in right decisions being made.

anyhow thanks everyone for your support. FS is one years old today and we are having a huge family/friend party for him tomorrow so everyone can say goodbye.