[shavon]

ARGHHH....I really need some advice..

So I picked up the phone to make a call and our 16 yr old foster son was on the other line talking to a girl. He was telling her some really crude sexual jokes..and then she said she needed to take a shower, he asked her is she would text him a pic of her when she get out!!!

I have not dealt with this before..any help out there what should I do or not do..do I tell the cw?? do I take his phone away? His grandma pays the bill so do I even have a right to take it??? do I ban him from the home phone???


I am so dissapointed in him!!!! and embarassed for him and the little girl!!!

[breakspencils]

was he making the call on his cell phone? how did you pick up the other line?

[Rinata]

I would sit him down and talk to him. Sexting is illegal and a form of child pornography. He needs to realize the implications of what he's walking into. I would certainly ground him from his phone, since it doesn't matter who pays for it you are his parent right now. I would also let the cw know what is going on and the steps you have taken to steer him in the right direction. Good luck!!

[Joy2566]

we've had sexting issues here as well. I ground the kids from the phone if they are caught. I also have gotten them phones that do not have picture capability (hard to find today). Our problems have been more with our daughters feeling pressured to send the pictures boys have requested. We have many discussions about respect for ourselves and others. Also about the legal ramifications of sexting. In my house it does not matter who pays for the phone, if it is used inappropriately, it is mine. Another thing to consider is that our foster agency has a policy that foster children are not to have cell phones period.

If the kids are grounded from the cell phones for inappropriate use, I do let them use the house phone, but it must be done in the livingroom on speaker phone. That really cuts down on inappropriate conversations.

[ca-bigsister]

Well if you check his phone, he'll just delete all of the inappropriate stuff.

First of all, teens do this sexting (sexual texting). I hate it. It made me crazy when I saw what my FD did.

I would talk to him. I would talk about respect and how asking that of a girl he barely knows is inappropriate and can be considered pornographic. I don't know the laws for sending nudes to a minor (since he is 16) but once he's 18, wow can he be in trouble.

Also, if there's a man who can speak to him, that would be good, too.

[shavon]

cabigsister...good point..I told my hubby what I heard, he was livid.. all he could think about was what if that was his daughter..I am waiting for a call from the case worker, I am going to ask him what I am allowed to do. The cw knows that he has a cell phone and also knows that he calls his family on it, which is not an issue for me as long as they dont callmy house and cause probs..

This sexting thing really confuses me..I dont know why the girls feel the need to text explicite pics to boys or why boys would not respect a girl enough not to ask for nude pics...Where is the self respect????

thanks

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by shavon

This sexting thing really confuses me..I dont know why the girls feel the need to text explicite pics to boys or why boys would not respect a girl enough not to ask for nude pics...Where is the self respect????

thanks

my child has none. the phone is now mine.

[peregrinerose]

We had a recent bout of this ourselves. My son had an old cell (with photo capabilities) that does not work. My husband was curious one day about why he kept it plugged in, so picked up the phone and looked at it, and was quite astonished to find a picture that my son took of 'himself'. I'm sooooo glad it was Chad that found it, and not me. There are some parts of my son I really don't need to see!

Chad and I discussed the situation calmly, without our son knowing we both knew. Teenagers play with their sexuality, they are still figuring out how relationships work, they are going to be experimenting with themselves and each other, learning boundaries, etc. So we weren't all that upset with the act of sexting, we were far more concerned with the long term repercussions.

I printed out a news article regarding child porn charges and sexting that was in a local high school recently. These kids are going to court for child porn... something that could adversely affect the rest of their lives.

We sat our son down and discussed the long term ramifications, we discussed Megan's Law and how our son's career could come to a halt because of this (he wants to be a lawyer working with foster kids).

He was mortified, and tried denying everything at first... apparently he and his long distance gf sent photos to each other, and he thought he deleted everything. He was angry that Chad looked at the phone and 'disrespected his privacy.'

We informed him that it's our job as parents to know what's going on with him and his life. It's our job to protect him, even if it means protecting him from himself. We asked what would have happened if his previous foster dad, who has two young biological daughters, found the photos.... and the answer was that the cops would have been called immediately.

By showing him the legal repercussions of his actions, having him read the local news stories (East Pensboro PA if anyone else wants to google search the articles), and discussing Megan's Law (plus the bonus side effect of him being embarrassed as heck!), it's been addressed.

What worked with our son is staying calm, showing him the articles of other teens in the same situation, addressing the topic in a logical manner and not being upset, and not crucifying him for his actions, only showing concern over what his actions could have resulted in.

[stevenstwin]

Just a direct answer to "can I take the phone away". YES. My FS had a game system that was "his" from home - he played it all night, played it loud, and played offensive games . I took it away, telling him that it was his and I'd keep it safe, but it was my house and it was not going to be used in it. Later, his dad gave him a cell phone, and A. was paying his own minutes on it. I caught him calling dad late at night, and told him it was the same deal. In our case, I never actually took the phone but made a rule that it spent every night in the kitchen instead of his bedroom. So, yeah - if the kid "owns" a piece of electronics you can't permanently get rid of it -but nothing saying it can't live in a box until they leave your home!

[arbuckle17]

It is really interesting on how children adapt technologically to be one step in front of the parents at all times.

I am very computer savey, and figured I would setup rules for pc ips accross my network to limit access times and sites a bit for kids. You can't beat it on a server like you would with the nanny software on the local pc so I figured I was totally on top of that mess.

Now these stupid cell phones come out... sigh... I can't even type on the things, let alone figure out a way to mitigate imapropriate usage.

Thankfully we have little tikes atm, so the worst we deal with is keeping them from useing the computers as pounding implements.

[Dickons]

Can you remove "Text messaging" from his phone plan?

Kind regards,
Dickons

[jp4ga]

All Parents and Guradians need to know that if your child is using a cell phone and sending pictures that are considered pornographic YOU COULD BE CHARGED. The police can charge the person who's name appears on the contract with child porn. Yes, you can beat the charges if you prove that you never use the phone but it will take time and money. This happened to a lady in my church.

[shavon]

I dont think I can Dickons..as I dont pay the bill so I dont think I could remove any features???

I am just so dissapointed in him and the girl..I know the girl from School and I am afraid if her parents found out about this they would probably "hit the roof". I am wondering if I should call them and let them know what she is up to???? I would want to know if I was clueless..

Thanks everyone...
There will def. be rules about phone usage, home and cell.

How do I approach this subject wiht him????

[peregrinerose]

Originally Posted by Dickons

Can you remove "Text messaging" from his phone plan?

Kind regards,
Dickons

That's what we did... texting is blocked completely (costs $5.00/month extra, which he pays). I also check his phone usage daily online (att). He knows no phone past 10pm. One day he went to 10:01pm and lost the phone for a day. The next time he'll lose it for 2 days (but he's smart and learned the first time! :-)

For computer... we have one computer and it's in a fairly public area in the house. It's password protected so that no one can get on it unless my husband or I are home. With us present in the area, nothing inappropriate will go on with it without our knowledge.

Yes, whoever's name is on the cell phone can be charged for child porn. I'm so glad that the phone our son used was a pay per use phone that he had prior to even meeting us. We had nothing to do with it and it no longer functions anyway.

[shavon]

I just got off the phone with the cw.. He said for us to take the phone away and not give it back until he agrees never to sext again..yeah right..he is a teen boy with teen hormones..It will more than likely happen again.

He also said that we may need to contact the girls parents so that they know what is going on so they are not blind sided with a charge of pornography..

I wish the honeymoon phase would have lasted longer..