[NewMamaLotsaLove]

Almost 7 weeks ago my DH and I took in our FD's teen/tween sibs. We have been amazed by how, well, spoiled these kids are. They turn their nose up at anything that is not name brand and super expensive. Everything from $80 shoes to name brand groceries is what they expect and believe they deserve. And they've always been given everything they want in the past...just not through always legal means. This is the first time the kids have been in care. They came from a world of food stamps, section 8 housing, medicaid, WIC, etc. I hear nothing all day but "At home we have On Demand Cable with more channels then you have here." "At home we always eat fast food." "At home we always get $80 shoes." And they did! We took them to Target the first day they were with us and they immediately said "Oh we don't shop at Target."

I mentioned it to their case worker and she said "Yeah it's very common for kids in the system to have a great sense of entitlement. And the longer they are in the system the worse it gets."

Can someone please explain the reasoning behind this to me?

[MamaS]

It is skewed priorities, I think. I did a home visit where the family had premium cable with a flat-screen TV in EVERY room (including bathrooms and kitchen) and expensive matching furniture suites - but the windows were sealed with plastic and the first grade boy had missed two weeks of school because his glasses were broken!
Also, I stopped donating to Toys For Tots and Christmas Angels after I volunteered to do deliveries and every single house I went to had presents stacked three feet high under the tree. One family had asked for bicycles and each of the 5 kids had two brand-new bikes (from different organizations). THere wasn't even room in the living room for the 5 our organization was delivering, but the father said we could leave them on the front porch, he already had those sold!
(Santa Claus brings Spiderman 3 gifts at Christmas and his first bicycle was a hand-me-down from a friend who had outgrown his.)

[Sdirector]

When ours came to live with us, she had some of the same mentality. She was very used to "ruling" the home that she lived in, and they were afraid to discipline or to make her mind in any way, because they were afraid of the department. It seemed odd for us to see a child who had been abused in so many ways, act so "spoiled" at times. Her bmother had done the abusing, and present caregivers had given in to her, and let he have her own way on one hand... it is extremely complicated!

When her brother comes to visit us, he is the same way that she was (much worse!) Once, he commented about us being rich, and his caregivers being poor and having no money (at eight years old, I know that he is simply repeating what he heard.) I pointed out to my wife that his caregivers had more disposible income than we had. The rent is paid, and the checks come in every month.

When we used to take her shopping, it was a steady litanny of "I want this... can I have that?" Thankfully, she is much better now.

I think that it is all about the priorities that have been set by those in their life. It still does seem strange, however.

[greenrobin]

I honestly believe that for some of them part of it is a bluff.

I live in a historic home in my town. It's one of those big old frame things with a giant porch. It isn't a mansion, just a big old house. We don't have all new things (or all antiques for that matter!) but our stuff is pretty good. We worked hard and spent wisely.

Anyway, when the first sib set got here, we were told how their house was so much bigger and nicer and the boys had, ummm....racecar beds. Oh, and the girls had, ummmm.....bunk beds....NO, ummmm...princess beds! YES! That's it princess beds! Wait! That was just in Queenie's room. In Vivi's room there was ummmm....Tinkerbell! YES! It was the same way about the food that they inhaled until there was nothing left on the table, the Walmart clothes that they piled into the cart, the car we drove, everything.

I think it's like how they spin fantasies about their families. From a young teen whose own mother traded her child for housing I heard what a great mom she was, how she was so clean and tidy that their house sparkled. The truth, in this case, was that the kids were staying in a camper trailer that was so incredibly filthy that the investigators couldn't go in.

I'm not saying that your kids didn't get what they are implying--or what Mama S witnessed. That really does happen. But I know that the kids we've had all had a little bit of the entitlement issue as a sort of self-defense mechanism.

[elk134]

I am wondering if part of it is their age. We have 13 year old twins who are similar. PeaceGirl is so picky about clothes and shoes, she cram herself into shoes two size too small because her new ones "make her feet look funny." I also went shopping for them one day and came home with three shirts for each of them. (There was a big sale) I thought they were similar in style to clothes they already had. But they both said, "We probably won't wear those." Right now we are trying to find them winter coats as they don't have any. Geezz!! It is a battle. They don't like anything less than $150 and say Wal-Mart coats are crappy. I took them to the mall yesterday, but they couldn't find anything they liked in our price range. So we went to another store near the mall, still nothing they like in our price range. (I think some of the less expensive coats look similar to the more expensive coats.) So finally, I said, we will try Target, if they don't have anything, we are going to Wal-Mart and if you don't find anything you like, I will pick it out.

As a side note, PeaceGirl is sure she is gettig a Mustang for her 16th birthday. We told her that it wouldn't happen. She seemed truly upset and just cannot figure out why she doesn't deserve a Mustang. (These attitudes do make it hard for us to attach to them, but we are still working on it).

It does make it harder that they came from a pre-adoptive placement that did have more income than we do and gave them almost everything they wanted. For birthday this month, they are asking for $200 gifts and think they should get them! I told them we simply can't do that and they ask "why not!"

I think they are just so self-conscious of their image at this age, and very concerend with their image in front of their peers.

[peregrinerose]

Have you guys with clothes-concious kids tried consignment shops? That's where I shop for myself and get really nice name brand clothing for less than I'd pay for the poor quality clothes at big box stores. We take our son to Goodwill or Consignment shops and let him get whatever he wants. It's always a fairly inexpensive clothes run.

We're lucky in that ours never asks for anything. He's the polar opposite, he thinks that he needs to pay for everything himself. He's never been in a home for very long (we're one of his longest placements, at 7 months, that he's had in 16 years!). We really have to keep an eye on him to make sure he isn't putting his money toward things we're willing to pay for (school dances, etc).

[Chancey]

I have had this conversation with our home CW numerous times. Her thought is that the kiddos come from such a crappy environment and their lives have been so hard that they feel the "world has been crappy to me so far, so I think I should get what I want, and I'll manipulate to see if I can get it".

Kinda makes sense to me.

[meshsgrl]

Before I was a foster parent I volunteered at a church run youth center. I saw kids come in with brand name clothes, shoes etc... every day. They had cell phones, ipods, all the latest toys and gadgets. (most of the kids were tweens)
The one girl got $300 for school clothes every year. they got digital cameras, tvs and ipods for Christmas.
Yet when you went to visit their homes, they would not have food, bedding or medical care. Often times the parents (who didn't already have government assistance) would come to us asking for money for rent.

bottomline the check would come in and you didn't want to look "poor" so you made sure you had the latest things for your kids. You worried about food later!

I live in a small one story home. My kids ALL complained when they came here... you have a little house, you don't have much stuff!
It comes from being handed everything from the government.

[BethanyB]

I don't know what is so weird about teens or tweens wanting what most other kids want. I didn't grow up with money and I always wanted to look and dress like the cool kids in school. My mom wouldn't buy it but my Grandma would spoil me once in a while. Kids don't fully understand money issues. All they know is what they want to be popular/cool/pretty and so on.

Sometimes I wonder why we think kids who are poor should feel differently than the rest of the population of kids. I like designer clothes and before I had kids I would just put those clothes on the credit card if I wanted them. Now that I have kids I have to be more responsible. I think it makes even more sense for those who have nothing to want to look nice. It's not fun living in a dump of a house and having to collect food stamps. These people want to feel good too and what better way than dressing nicely so that when they are out, they can be perceived as having something. Makes sense to me.

Now that does not mean that you are to buy them what they want. You are just going to have to explain to them that you don't have the money to do that. I think it will take a little understanding on both sides.

[Lorraine123]

Many children in foster care have no sense of self esteem. The only way they can build themselves up is through their possessions. They view themselves and their relationships as disposible, so why should they value that? their past experiences show that no one valued them solely on "who they are". So they believe that value comes from the clothes you wear, the house you live in, the way you do your hair, etc. All teens feel that way to some degree, but these children actually believe it to their core. Its very sad and the only way to over come it is to build them up.

[Joy2566]

I think part of it is the welfare mentality. My kids came from a home where no one worked, yet they got checks from the government. They also stole what they wanted. Foster care did not help either. They were required to be given $50 of new clothes per month and a $25 toy, book, game, ect. of their choice. They honestly think we are rich because dh and I both work and we have food and cars. They do not understand the concept of paying bills. My kids also had to leave everything when they were taken into care. We were the 5th placement for my son and he came to us with the clothes on his back. I think part of their attitude toward things stems from this. 4years later, they still talk about the things that were left behind.

[stevenstwin]

Definitely the case with my FS (now 18 and living on his own) although in HIS case, home was pretty poverty stricken and the system itself made him spoiled. For instane, he gets a $750 recreation allowance every year. My bio kid do not. He had money to buy all kinds of stuff we couldn't afford for them. We went to Disney World - my bios had to pay their $400 "Ralph bucks" toward it (kinda like your stimulus spending - this was money our provincial government gave each individual). We were told that we could not compel Austin to give us his. Then there is Christmas - we always bought an equal amount of stuff for him and for our bios - BUT he also got a great big bag full of gifts just for Foster Kids. (your should have seen the look on my girl's faces on Christmas Morning when he just kept opening, and opening - not to mention that he also had gifrst from his bio family, along with gifts from my whole extended family so he wouldn't feel left out).Everything he ever wanted, they buy. He got a cell phone - dropped it in a hot tub while he was drunk - they gave him another. This March he got a LARGE inheritance, but Children's Services still gives him $1300 a month living expense, AND pays for "extras". He didn't come to school for two weeks because he was waiting for his Social Worker to buy him pens and a binder! So do you see where some of the entitlement comes from? Really funny thing - I posted the above irritations here one time (a long time ago) and was roundly criticized for being stingy and begrudging him all his extras. Thing is, there is a lot that foster kids NEED, but throwing money/stuff at them won't address any of that. I think some of it comes out of the mythology that foster families will never treat them as "equal" so someone else needs to make up for it. You know, the old stories of foster kids in rags while the bios are little princes and princesses. Financially, it is almost the opposite now!

Originally Posted by NewMamaLotsaLove

Almost 7 weeks ago my DH and I took in our FD's teen/tween sibs. We have been amazed by how, well, spoiled these kids are. They turn their nose up at anything that is not name brand and super expensive. Everything from $80 shoes to name brand groceries is what they expect and believe they deserve. And they've always been given everything they want in the past...just not through always legal means. This is the first time the kids have been in care. They came from a world of food stamps, section 8 housing, medicaid, WIC, etc. I hear nothing all day but "At home we have On Demand Cable with more channels then you have here." "At home we always eat fast food." "At home we always get $80 shoes." And they did! We took them to Target the first day they were with us and they immediately said "Oh we don't shop at Target."

I mentioned it to their case worker and she said "Yeah it's very common for kids in the system to have a great sense of entitlement. And the longer they are in the system the worse it gets."

Can someone please explain the reasoning behind this to me?

[mommytoEli]

my kids had the opposite experience...and still came out with the same mentality. they were in care on and off for a total of 4ish years. when they weren't in care, they were with relatives who took their money and spent it on things for themselves....while my kids slept in a closet on the floor with hardly any food. when they were with relatives....all the things they had gotten in foster care were taken from them, and given to their own children. when they came to us,, they had a car load of crap, but nothing awesome. when they first came....they were pretty excited about any clothes we gave them to wear- mostly hand me downs. about 6 months after they came to live with us, if it wasn't new they wouldn't wear it. i believe they believe bc they lived for so long without anything, that I owe it to them to provide them with everything they want. when they don't get it....they are complete brats. i also think it is partially due to the rights of foster children. our workers beat into their heads that they had rights, made us post them on the fridge, and i believe that empowered our kids to believe we HAD to do things for THEM. we served them. they were in charge. i will never forget once their casa wa coming, and our dd got grounded. i told her she couldn't go bowling with casa. she stated the rule number and recited that i HAD to let her see her casa. i got to tell her i intended to let her SEE her casa, but the rules said nothing about bowling. imagine her surprise! she was always trying to use those dumb rules. the day they were adopted, i threw them in the trash and told her they no longer applied....but i do believe that in making sure the kids are treated well, sometimes those "rights" may inadvertantly teach a child who has never had anything, that these new people they live with must give them everything.

[mommy09]

i also think it is partially due to the rights of foster children. our workers beat into their heads that they had rights, made us post them on the fridge, and i believe that empowered our kids to believe we HAD to do things for THEM. we served them. they were in charge. ...but i do believe that in making sure the kids are treated well, sometimes those "rights" may inadvertantly teach a child who has never had anything, that these new people they live with must give them everything.

Too true. Too many times when I say no I get "I'm calling my sw!" "I have rights!"
I remember this one time when I told my 11y/o fd that she needed a time out for talking disrespectfully to me she demanded to call her sw. I dialed the phone and handed it to her. She proceeded to take my phone outside. ( the rules in this house are that the phone stays downstairs- not in the bedrooms -and inside the house) I told her she needed to follow the rules. She told me she had "rights" and could talk wherever. I told her that I wasn't doing anything wrong- I was respecting her right to talk to her sw but I also had rights. She was using my phone and I pay the bill so she needed to respect my right to decide WHERE my phone was being used. I think that shocked her!!!
A lot of fk need to understand that yes they have rights but they are the same as everyone else's. Your rights shouldn't take precedence over anothers'.

[joyfulmother]

Wow! I have never heard of that! Having to post their rights? I guess we have it pretty good in Mi.
We are having the same issues with our 6yr old fd already. Everyone is always asking her if she is happy with us. Sw's, therapists, her family, our family, and even at church. It kinda makes her think that we have to make her happy. She also gets too much attention because she is a fc. It is getting to the point where she is too outgoing because if they don't give it to her she will get it. Her tpr trial is tomorro and I am looking forward to possibly being able to adopt. It will be nice to have her just be ours!