[stevenstwin]

I decided to post this after seeing a thread that relates, but didn't want to hijack that one. It is about my bio teen daughter. She STILL, to this day, and we just had another discussion about it last night, blames everything wrong with her life on Austin. She was 13 when he came to live with us, and he was 14. He left at 16 and a half, he's now past 18. She's nearly 17 right now. So he's been GONE over a year and a half. While he was with us, she was ALWAYS complaining about him ruining her family, making her miserable, etc. She had a lot of very valid complaints, and I spent 2 years wracked with guilt. But he's been GONE for so long, now! She even Facebooks with him, so I can't see the scars could be that deep. But yesterday she was crying over a fight with a friend and said "I never used to cry before Austin came. When he was here I cried every night, and now I still cry so easily." I just do NOT buy this and I really don't think she can claim Austin "oermanently emotionally damaged" her. But her PERCEPTION is that, and then I end up filled with guilt and regret. And it keeps coming up over, and over. Last night turned into a major fight :-(

[newatthisfl]

Have you sought counseling for her? It might be worth pursuing if you haven't tried it already. It may be that something else is bothering her emotionally, but she doesn't know what it is, so she blames the only thing that she can grab on to even if it isn't accurate. That being said, I have a 16 year old daughter and they tend to be dramatic.

I am sorry you are going through this! ((Hugs))

[sunshinemomma]

Maybe she is suffering from PTSD. She very well could be. I know that it took myself, my husband, my bio son and my daughter a very long time to get over the stress that filled our home prior to us disrupting with our other son.

Our therapist called it PTSD with us and it very well could be that your daughter is still feeling somewhat fragile. BUT, that does not mean that is an excuse or every little thing that goes wrong. Maybe a therapist can help her to manage her feelings and give her some tools to cope with the stress that she is feeling.

[Lorraine123]

I would look into therapy for her.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by Lorraine123

I would look into therapy for her.

Do you see signs that require therapy here? I know she'd be very upset to have me suggest that because of the stigma attached. Other than blaming me for bringing Austin into her life, I'm not sure what the therapy would be "for" exactly...

[Lorraine123]

I think she needs to work through her anger. She may not even know who she is angry with. Yes, living with him had to be hard for her. Think how hard it was for you and you had SOME control (not much I know, but some). She was just a by-stander for the most part. I have two biological kids in my house and they do place a lot of blame on my daughter. In their case, they resent her for what she has done to me. But the resentment is still there. Having these children in your home changes everything about life. She can't just get over it because he is gone. Think about it, you aren't over it. You probably never will be. Loving these children is a life changing path. I'm not at all saying that living with him "permanently emotionally damaged" her. She is blaming you when, I think she needs to learn to control her blame. Blame solves nothing. She probably feels your guilt and she may feed on that. I don't think the therapy should necessarily focus on life with A, more, it should focus on how she can take what she has and make it better as opposed to blaming others.

Dont know if that makes sense. I was sort of rambling, but I do think she had a really huge life changing event happen during a pretty critical time in her life.

[swiftde]

My daughter turns 17 on Thursday. She had a lot of problems when we had our fs. The one we tried to adopt. I didn't know until about 2 months ago just how bad it was. I knew she was struggling at the time, but didn't realize how close I came to actually losing her. The only reason she told me a couple months ago is because she has moved on, she has healed and is doing well. One of her friends told her to tell me the whole story, and she was planning on sharing it with her youth group at church. She didn't want to tell them without telling me first. She was scared to tell me because she was afraid I would blame myself. In fact she made me promise that I wouldn't blame myself all over again when she told me.

[ca-bigsister]

Stevenstwin,

I could imagine how terrible you feel. This totally "sucks" and there's no other way around it. It's also what we do with it. I also think that therapy might be a great thing for your daughter and your family. I would let her have a therapist and also see about family counseling. That will help your daughter to be able to talk to the family about how this affected her.

However, we all have events in our lives that happen. My father died while I was 13. Obviously I want my dad here, and he didn't want to go. It sucked.

While terrible, and not desirable, they also do make us stronger people. Obviously you could not have known how Austin would have affect your family. You tried to do a beautiful thing helping a boy.

So while my mother's guilt would definitely eat away, too, this can also be the event that strengthens your daughter in a way that a lot of young people these days don't have. There is a sense of entitlement with this generation, and this may be the pivotal event that helps your daughter with compassion, motivation not to be Austin. Even anger can be a motivator, too.

So, while it does "suck," it can also be a gift to bring you and your daughter closer. Since this did happen, I would try to use it as a gift, because that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. It can also help your daughter to know herself more to help herself get what she wants in life.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by Lorraine123

I think she needs to work through her anger. She may not even know who she is angry with. Yes, living with him had to be hard for her. Think how hard it was for you and you had SOME control (not much I know, but some). She was just a by-stander for the most part. I have two biological kids in my house and they do place a lot of blame on my daughter. In their case, they resent her for what she has done to me. But the resentment is still there. Having these children in your home changes everything about life. She can't just get over it because he is gone. Think about it, you aren't over it. You probably never will be. Loving these children is a life changing path. I'm not at all saying that living with him "permanently emotionally damaged" her. She is blaming you when, I think she needs to learn to control her blame. Blame solves nothing. She probably feels your guilt and she may feed on that. I don't think the therapy should necessarily focus on life with A, more, it should focus on how she can take what she has and make it better as opposed to blaming others.

Dont know if that makes sense. I was sort of rambling, but I do think she had a really huge life changing event happen during a pretty critical time in her life.

That does make sense, Lorraine, thanks. It isn't what I wanted to hear. What I WANTED you to say was "What a little jerk. She is just using it as something to make you feel bad, when it is completely clear that living with a foster child is just fine and could not have hurt her in any way." ;-) But your words definitely ring true. By the way - Austin's solution is for the two of them to go to conselling TOGETHER. I thanked him for the offer, which I believe was genuinely an attempt to be helpful, but told him I really did not think that was such a great idea!

[soupnazi]

By the way - Austin's solution is for the two of them to go to conselling TOGETHER. I thanked him for the offer, which I believe was genuinely an attempt to be helpful, but told him I really did not think that was such a great idea!

Why not? All her issues in life are caused by him...in her mind at least.

I would speak to his therapist & see what he/she says.

[Lorraine123]

I do not think she should go to therapy with A. He is an attachment disordered adult. You think she is angry now????

All her issues are not caused by him. They are caused by her reaction to him. Her past with him is a fact. She needs therapy to help her put it all in place. She does not need to rehash what he did.

I am currently in therapy to help me deal with life with my dd. I bet many people that live with attachment disordered children are in therapy as well. Its a really hard thing to deal with and seeking help is a good thing.

[Lorraine123]

Oh, and Stevenstwin - Sorry I didn't say what you wanted to hear. Your response actually made me laugh because I know exactly how you feel.

[Nevada Jen]

I agree that therapy would probably be a good idea. Maybe some family therapy (without Austin) would make it more palatable to her. You could couch the first meeting as an evaluation with the therapist because "after our fight last night I realize our entire family is still very much affected by life with AUstin." I suspect for her therapy would not be a long term thing. Just a few sessions to put things in perspective.

Also, I would just note that crying easily is a sign of chemical depression and I could see how she would be susceptible because of the let down factor of his choas no longer being in the home. Of couse, its also a sign of being a teen!

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by Lorraine123

I do not think she should go to therapy with A. He is an attachment disordered adult. You think she is angry now????
.

Yep, THAT nails it on the head! I can just SEE how it would become "all about him" and make her feel even more invalidated etc.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by soupnazi

By the way - Austin's solution is for the two of them to go to conselling TOGETHER. I thanked him for the offer, which I believe was genuinely an attempt to be helpful, but told him I really did not think that was such a great idea!

Why not? All her issues in life are caused by him...in her mind at least.

I would speak to his therapist & see what he/she says.

Thank you for the suggestion. Given different life circumstances that WOULD be a very good idea. But Austin is very difficult - self centered, immature, etc. I think he'd use it as a forum to get angry and defensive and turn the whole thing into how "she" hurt "him" or whatever he comes up with at that time. I don't think he is currently seeing his own therapist, which is too bad.