[YaYaPow]

Hi all,
Can anyone prodive a list of their household rules that they have for their older kids and teens. We had a complete list of rules for the house but I cannot seem the find the DOC that was saved, also we have not fostered teens in a couple of years and feel that we have gotten a little soft.(kindness taken for weakness) I need suggestions fast, because I have a teen mom that I need to get the rules to fast. I have told her a few of our rules but would like to get them to her in writing, so she can have a complete list and maybe even have her sign an contract. I posted here a couple of weeks ago about fostering a pregnant teen, well now she is a teen mom and really needs to get on board with what we expect in our home. example; She will not eat the dinner that I make, but will come in kitchen later and make her own ( which I am not happy with, but did let it go when she was pregnant). also I do all the laundry, I asked her to bring to me what she need washed yesterday, she still has not. She will be doing her and her baby's laundry by hand herself or wait until the next laundry day. Any advice or list of rules would be great, also my DH is working out of state and is only home once or twice a month (as much as we can afford) so I am on my own most of the time and I have 2 bio boys age 9 and 10 and one fs age 2 (which she does not talk to, not even hello or good morning). Thanks to anyone who can help.

[fostapeepz]

Household Rules

We will treat each other with respect
We will treat each others things with respect (no touching without permission)
We will always listen, so talk to us if you are having a problem or even if you don’t agree with us.
No boys in your room
No touching/smooching in front of the younger kids (handholding ok)
No smoking, drinking alcoholic beverages, or illegal drug use
No phone/chat/internet/socializing after hours unless pre-approved – phones will remain outside the bedroom
Your whereabouts must be known at all times
You must attend school and are not permitted to skip. The consequence for skipping is an automatic 2 weekends (here) of no social activities.
No one in the house when there are no adults present without permission


We also followed this with a list of consequences, a 'socializing' schedule (after homework, internet for 1hr a day, phone for 1 hr and only before 9pm etc..) and a chore schedule.

[c.a]

I only have teens for emergency/short term placements. So my purpose is not only to establish a few basic rules, but also to to break the ice, put them at ease a bit, and help them to relax knowing that they can survive a few days in my house.

I always tell them that I only have five absolute rules and most everything else is negotiable.

1. No alcohol or drugs
2. No weapons of any kind
3. No harm to any person in the house
4. No harm to any animal in the house
5. No porn

Usually the porn rule throws them off. They are embarrassed that I would even mention porn. It usually makes them laugh. All of the rules are reasonable even to an obstinant teen.

For longer term teens I would probably have to add a few. I like Fostapeeps list. Totally reasonable.

I would probably add: No sharing of clothes. No one is allowed to be on anyone else's bed. No blankets on the couch (teens can sit next to each other on a couch and hide many things under a blanket).

[shavon]

Here is my list

NO long distance calls--you make them you pay them

NO phone calls after 9pm

Lights out at 10:30 (during the week)

Homework completed before 8pm

If clothes are not in dirty basket they will not get washed

clean up after you self

clean room daily

food is to be eaten in kitchen only (I found a plate under the bed with mold on it YUCK)


If the rules get broken the consequences are

no movies
no games
ride bus to school
no extra activities after school
extra chores for inconvenienceing (sp?) me

or all the above depending on the offence..

So far so good ...I only have one teen fs, he is 16 but I also have 2 16yr old bio sons...so I think you may need different rules for a girl????

[Joy2566]

My rules are similar.
I wash clothes that are in the laundry room, other wise you do your own, and you may not complain that I am doing other laundry when you decided to finally wash your clothes.

We had the long distance blocked on our phone--took care of the long distance bills.

One of my major rules is don't lie to me. I can be fairly easy going as long as you tell me the truth at all times.

Smokers are not allowed to smoke in the house. I do not purchase tobacco products, They must tell me that they have the tobacco and it must be placed in the designated place. Any tobacco that is found in any other place is discarded. They are not allowed to smoke around the other children in our home. (This was my policy before the new smoking rules--tobacco of any kind is not allowed in foster homes--haven't had a smoker since then). I found that forbidding the smoking just encourages them to hide it from me and that spreads to other things.

We allow limitted access to the internet, but if we find any porn sites accessed that is removed for that child.

We also search rooms randomly. There is no expectation of privacy in our home.

We also have a contract that each new kid must sign and when they violate a rule, we refer to the signed contract.

[mom2fabtwins]

I just got my first teen 10 days ago. My list is quite strict compaired to what I see. I have included no cell phones, no internet - Until it is earned (at least 2 months for phone and 6 for internet). Then both only in a public area (kitchen for internet, first floor, inside, for phone.)

NO MYSPACE EVER!!! Facebook only with EXTREME caution. NO SENDING/POSTING PICTURE ANYTHING. If I can post/email a picture of the FC then they can't either.

I also have no single dating until 16, groups are fine, but no going out without an adult present, and I must meet the adult prior to the event. Not eating between meals, unless with permission. You must be covered from collarbone to mid thigh prior to receiving guests or leaving the house. Bed must be made and floor, closet must be clear prior to leaving the house.

Maybe I am WAY too far off, but at least they will have meals, a warm place to sleep, and someone who cares enough to set rules.

[YaYaPow]

Thanks everyone,
I have taken a bit from each of you and typed & printed my list of rules. Room searches and signing contracts sound great. Fostapeepz, I really love the ones about treat each other with respect as well as others things-CA, I love the one about no harm to any person in the house- Shavon, I have taken several from your list, no calls after 9pm seems very reasonable as well as eating only in the kitchen- Joy2566, the "Don't lie to me" rule is wonderful and I wll absolutely add that to my list- Mom2 fabtwins, I like the no eating between meals( I have one that states "the kitchen is closed at 8pm unless some family activity is taking place") I also really like the dress code. My teen is hispanic and I am not, she has been speaking in spanish on the telephone for which I have told her that is a NO NO. We will see how things go from here. I will type up a list of consequences for breaking the rules-- Thanks again, YaYa

[ca-bigsister]

I also had a keystroke recorder on the computer so I could see if FD was lying to me. I hardly ever checked it but would if I had a reason.

Also, I had FD take everything out of the backpack at night, show me her agenda (homework calendar), check her homework, etc. until I really saw that she was doing all HW.

FD had to keep room clean, clean the bathroom and vacuum. I think everyone should have specific chores.

In return, she got $1 per week for her age (i.e., 15 years old is 15 dollars per week).

I don't like the no eating rule between meals. Just my opinion so don't get mad. Sometimes teens need more food. Also, that seems more like an institution than a home.

Also FD had to make dinner one night a week. (I would help if she had a lot of homework).

[YaYaPow]

Ca-bigsister
Thanks for your reply, someone mention the keystroke recorder before, I will check in to that. I did add things about homework to my list but she is not in school just yet(had the baby last week)but when she gets in school I will get more detailed with that. I understand what you are saying about the no eating between meals, I guest I will try to keep it at healthy snacks, she's not a big eater anyway. I was just thinking that if you decline a meal that's prepared for the family, then you have to wait until the next meal is prepared and not run off and eat snacks. YaYa

[soupnazi]

I was just thinking that if you decline a meal that's prepared for the family, then you have to wait until the next meal is prepared and not run off and eat snacks.

Your dealing with a teen that just had a baby. Hormones, tastes & her body is in recovery.

Offer her a substitute of a sandwich & fruit. She really does need to eat something. I can totally see the no junk rule but I would never stop a kid from eating good food if they were hungry.

[YaYaPow]

I am making general rules for the household, not just her. I would like to keep the same set of rules for other teens or older kids that may come. She knows that she can eat if she is hungry. I printed the list and gave my 10 and 9 year olds a copy as well as my fd. My 10yo son likes to decline meals and eat whatever he wants and I am trying to get a handle on that. I have been throwing out a lot of food lately because when I cook, no one wants to eat it. I know I am not the best cook in the world, but really . but you are right I know I cannot refuse someone food or force them to eat what I prepared.

[shavon]

I know I am not the best cook in the world....


LOL....I am not even close to the best cook in the world but i gotta tell ya that my new fs thinks I am the best cookLOL.......If he thinks I am a good cook that just proves that he has never had a good meal in his life LOL...

[sunshinemomma]

Love all of the household rules but also just wanted to add that my 15 yr old bio son could never make it through the night without another "meal" around 8:30/9:30 pm. We barely get dinner cleaned up and he needs another meal and he usually has had an after school snack/meal, dinner - usually 2 large servings and then a before bed meal/snack. He needs solid food at these times not just a piece of fruit. He will have a bowl of oatmeal, leftover pasta, eggs and toast.

I would maybe change the time to 9:00 pm and make a list of what they can eat and leftover dinner could be at the top of it!!

I should add that he is tall and lanky without an extra ounce on him.........just so you don't think I am promoting obesity...LOL

[shavon]

I dont agree on the extra meal..but every home is run differently...I make 3 meals a day and there are always snacks..If you feel that you need 4 or even 5 meals a day go right ahead but im not cooking it or cleaning up after it

[AmyAnne]

Rules should be broad-reaching and stated in the positive:

We respect ourselves and others
We all help out
We keep our word
We tell the truth
We respect our home
We speak in calm voices