[anilorak13ska]

Yesterday we picked up our FD (first placement ever). Baby "V" is just precious, loves to laugh, play peekaboo, roll onto her tummy, and spend time outdoors. I know that this is all new to her (she was removed last week, spent several days in an emergency foster home, and is now with us), but I don't know how much of her fussiness is normal considering, and will go away with time, and how much is due to something I am or am not doing.

Dh just took to her like a bee to honey. Has no prob dropping what he's doing to make her happy. He figured out how to tie our baby carrier today so we could try to walk our dogs with her up and watching the world around her (she's picky about being put down). He's gotten her to bed last night and again tonight. He even called my mom to check on her (my mom had her while I was at work). He just seems to be all over the parenting thing.

On our way to pick her up yesterday, he was visibly excited (I've been trying to get him to be excited about us adopting for a year and a half!), and he even said "what if we'll be able to adopt her?"

I'm wondering if he might not be getting his hopes up. She is strictly foster right now, and we don't even have the full story on her situation. Bio parents are teens, which could mean anything. I'm assuming they're looking for a relative placement as well.

Or, perhaps it's me I should be concerned about? Dh wanted to refer to us as her "mommy" and "daddy", but I prefer to be autie and uncle. I'm tired, not getting anything done that I normally would, our dogs feel left out, and I'm feeling like a bad parent. I'm questioning even if we really want to have children after all.

Dh says it's normal to feel like this. We had second thoughts even after we got each of our two dogs! But I feel bad.

When the state called us on Friday, we were presented with two situations, one being a foster-to-adopt of sibs. Due to our current personal situation, we surprisingly chose the strict fostering situation. If she were to become available for adoption, I don't think either of us would think twice about adopting baby V. But I'm not holding my breath.

But I have no idea how long we will have her... is this normal? Shouldn't the CW have SOME sort of general idea?

[lovingheart]

How long a child is with you is determined by many factors. Will the case be founded? Will the parents work on their case plan quickly? Will they find a relative placement? There are so many things... I usually fall in love within two days of a child being here. As to whether we are mommy and daddy depends on the age of the child and what they want to call us. With a baby yes we are usually mommy and daddy. We also take one day at a time now and have learned that CWers and GALs have their opions about how the case is going and what will happen but it is their opinion only and the Judge is the only one who can make a decision and it is not always the one you would think it would be. It is stressful to have a new placement especially if you do not have kids already so take your time to get adjusted. Plus a baby is a lot of work and little sleep. Take time for yourself to take care of yourself.

[Newshyde]

From my experience ... They never know. I've had my current kiddos for 12 months and they still don't know.

As far as guarding yourself, that is normal. You don't want to get hurt and that makes sense. You don't want to invest all this love and attention on someone that you will have to give back. And that makes total sense and I have been there.

In the meantime, let me tell you a little story.
My first foster son was 10 months when he came to me and he just captured my heart right away. He was so happy all the time and it was infectious. Well, about a month in I learned that they were looking at sending him to grandma in another state and she had requested a phone call. So, I called her and she sounded great. I really liked her and I could tell that she had actually been the primary caregiver until birthmom and BD went a few states away with him and got arrested and she was very very worried about him.
I knew after that conversation that he was going to be with her. So, I pulled back emotionally, to protect myself. During the three days I pulled back he got really fussy, suddenly wasn't sleeping at all, wanted me to pay attention to him all the time, cried when I walked away from him and was generally unhappy. I realized two things during those three days.
1) He knew I wasn't attaching to him and it scared him.
2) No matter what happens, TODAY he needs as much love and caring as I can give him because that is what is going to give him the strength to handle the changes that come up in his little life.

I ended up having him for a year. He did finally go to live with grandma and because of our bond I was chosen as the person to fly him to her, instead of a CW. I talk to her on the phone, I have taken my current foster kiddos out to visit him, his birthday is in one week and I'm preparing his presents. His grandma told me that she considers me a part of her extended family now. The only thing I regret of his time with me are those three days I wasted worrying about me.

In foster care there is no way to know how things are going to turn out, so just focus on dealing with today and how you and your little family feel they are doing today. Don't force the mommy and daddy thing, that is probably wise. Just go with the flow of it. Some days will be rough and sometimes even bio mommies don't love their babies the first few days or weeks. It takes time to create a bond and it takes time to get used to a new lifestyle.
Good luck and congrats on your new placement.

[parenting-over-40]

I agree with Newshyde. If I were in your situation, I would be living day to day and giving this baby as much love as possible. Babies need that love and bonding for their brain to grow. This is a vital time in their lives.

That being said, what you feel is okay too. I had a conversation recently with someone who has worked with over 800 children. I asked if Foster and/or Adoptive Parents can experience Post Partum. Her answer, absolutely and some definitely do. So, that could be some of your feelings or maybe not. Maybe you are just guarded so you won't get hurt. There are a lot of emotions that go into Fostering and Adopting. Fortunately, your DH is already bonding quite well with the baby.

As for the CW having a good idea what is going to happen, it would be nice if they had a crystal ball. However, they don't know. A lot of it is up to what the parents will do and what the judge will or won't allow. When they think a case is going to go to adoption, it could turn to ru. On the other hand, a case expected to ru, could go adoption.

That being said, enjoy your time with Baby V. You can never get that time back. There is a reason she is in your life right now. There is also a reason you are in her life.

[greenrobin]

We had a sib set 2 years ago that was going to go to termination--the judge said it on the first hearing! Then 6 weeks later, they dropped that idea and immediately sent them to grandma and an aunt who lived literally on either side of the mom.

2 weeks later we got Bubba and Flowergirl. They were strictly foster placements. We finalized on them last week.

In foster care, the only thing certain is that there will be kids. How long you have them is often a mystery. And that's one of the hard things to adjust to. It has really improved my ability to walk by faith! And I'm not perfect at it, either!

Love Baby V while you have her. I was pretty guarded with Bubba and Sissy in the beginning because I'd loved both the Fab 4 and Queenie before them. Pain and grief are sometimes my best friends as a foster mom and I'd had enough of that for a while. But here we are. Enjoy her time with you. Let yourself love if you can.

None of us has any guarantees on how long. We are given a unique opportunity with our foster kids. It's something we ask ourselves all of the time--if this were my last day, what would I do? Always, always, always--love like it is. Yes, you will cry and you will hurt if she goes, but that is better than regret for not doing more.

[hermommy]

Every time I take in a new placement I go through the is this the right home for them, am I the parent they need, ect........ That normally goes away after I get back to a schedule.

I have learned that when I quit judging my parenting that I do just fine. I think that we get a mind set that we have to be the best parents out there. Don't get me wrong we do have standards that we must meet. But I have found that when I relax things go much smoother. I was the type that thought my house must be spotless, my dh had to have cooked dinners everyday, and I always thought when I had children that I would just be the "perfect parent". I would just fill there life full of love, I would make sure they were never dirty, they would eat healty, they would just be the most polite child, respect people, and so on and so on.... Then I got children............. At first it was very stressfull because I worried all the time that I was not holding up to what I thought was the "perfect parent and wife". When I relized that my husband would love me if the bed didnt get maid that day, or dinner was take out, or something was out of place in the house, and the kids were gonna get dirty, they were going to throw tantrums, and so on, I was much happier and MY FD soon to be AD STILL LOVED ME. In her eyes I am the perfect parent.
Now I have a different mind set. I take care of them the best that I can. I love them with all I got, But I take time for myself. I learned the children would be ok if left with a sitter so dh and I could go out (My dd is 2 1/2. I never left her with anyone until after she turned 2 b/c of My thoughts then.), or if I took an evening away to shop. Or just had a lazy day. We all need that time. I think sometimes we get so rapped up in being the "perfect parent" that we lose who we are.
sorry so long....

[anilorak13ska]

Thanks for your feedback, everyone. I'm starting to see that I think part of my problem is that with all the rush rush and us getting her on a Monday evening, we haven't had time to just BE with her, just bond, w/o worrying about what needs to be done next.

Finally today I was able to call her doc and reschedule her 6mo checkup for a time convenient for us, and now I'm trying to track down her CW or someone who will meet with us, have us sign the foster parent agreement, and give us a better sense of the situation. We NEED that paper for our apt on Friday... so I'm a bit anxious that they get on with it and call back already and meet with us ASAP.

This weekend we had booked a mini vacation with my parents to the beach, and we decided to keep our plans when we got Baby V. So this ought to be interesting... On one hand, I'm concerned about introducing her to yet another new set of cirucumstances, but on the other hand, perhaps we'll be able to jut relax with her. She loves being outside, and as long as it's not raining the whole time, she should enjoy it too.

I finally put her down for a nap today. I came home between classes and was able to spend some one-on-one time with her, and I see that that's what I need.

Thanks again!

[myForeverkids3]

About the mommy and daddy issue:

That was a big NO for us with our first two FD's because they were strictly foster and did end up going home. I just really felt like having them call me mommy would make them leaving completely unbearable. It was the way I reminded myself every moment of every day that I was NOT their mommy. I loved them with my whole heart, but reminded myself constantly of my position in their lives. At the point that the adoption process begins, I would be mommy with pride, but until then, I am JULIE.

Just my take on that. I think your feeling are very normal. This is a HARD thing to process emotionally. Let your husband go head over heals. I will never regret bonding with and loving my foster children! Even though they broke my heart! lol

[GoddessDanu]

I think with a child who is old enough to talk and comprehend language, you can make the decision as to whether they call you Mommy and Daddy with that child. But, with an infant, you should immediately call yourselves Mommy and Daddy. Frank and I attend attachment therapy because of all his moves and loss of parents. The attachment therapist said claiming an infant right away will give them the sense of belonging and security they need to help them overcome their grief issues. Losing a parent is HUGE for an infant and they need to know that you're going to be the stable base for them. Everyone is different but some people don't use Mommy and Daddy because they're afraid of attaching. That's the worse thing for a baby. Good luck with your new placement and hopefully you'll have more information regarding the case soon.

[anilorak13ska]

Finally talked to Baby V's case worker. She has a court case about Baby V tomorrow, and will be meeting with us on Tuesday. So hopefully next week we'll have a clearer idea of what to expect.

As of right now, we know that she was removed because she was left home alone. But we don't know for how long, or if this was one isolated incident or a pattern. I also know that being Hispanic, there are cultural considerations where it may be acceptable for some to leave a child, even a very young one, for a short while, safe in her crib, for instance.

I wouldn't do it myself, but I know that my own mother and her mother were both left home alone at preschool and early grade school age to fend for themselves. So I know it may not have been done maliciously but out of ignorance.

As of right now, I have hope that Baby V's parents will get it together, now that they know that leaving her alone is a big no-no.

And I'm starting to come around to bonding with Baby V. I've been spending a bit more one-on-one time with her, trying to figure out what's up with her fussiness. I think there was a lot to take it in a very short time, and the uncertainty only made it worse. Now I'm comfy knowing that she depends on me and dh for everytying right now.

At the same time, I do not want to pretend that one mistake by the birth parents gives me the right to totally claim her. I understand about attachment, and I do claim her as my loving responsibility, just like I claim my niece - I would step in permanently and full time for my niece if needed. But as long as she has a mom, I am not her mom.

I hope that makes sense.

[parenting-over-40]

Originally Posted by anilorak13ska

And I'm starting to come around to bonding with Baby V. I've been spending a bit more one-on-one time with her, trying to figure out what's up with her fussiness. I think there was a lot to take it in a very short time, and the uncertainty only made it worse. Now I'm comfy knowing that she depends on me and dh for everytying right now.

This is Wonderful news. Great to her you are making progress on bonding with Baby V.

As for her fussiness, is it a tummy issue? Mylicon is a staple in my house and works great.

[FullQuiverMamma]

As much as you want to protect yourself, no amount of lovingkindness is too much and will certainly benefit you and baby in the long run. Suck it up maybe, give it your all and then grieve when/if you have to. What a gift to Baby V. I do know it is hard to fall in love and know it may not be forever.

[anilorak13ska]

We took Baby V for her (delayed) 6 mo check up/shots today. The CW was supposed to fax the foster parent agreement (which she claims she did), but the dr office checked twice and didn't have it. They let us bring her in only bc it was DSS that scheduled the apt. I was a bit peeved with this, and the lady at the doc was also surprised that we had absolutely no docs on her. Luckily, she explained that she was covered by insurance and we did not need to pay anythying out of pocket.

The weird thing was that the staff all knew Baby V and were surprised that stragers were bringing her in. They all asked what happened, but we just said we didn't know (which technically is true anyway). I thought it was important for Baby V to have continuity of care through the same office/doctor, even if it meant creating a weird situation for the bios later. Besides, we didn't say why she was with us, so the bios can say as much or as little as they want if asked by the staff later.

How have the rest of you all handled doctor visits as far as privacy issues? Suggestions for the future?

Thanks.

[myForeverkids3]

Originally Posted by anilorak13ska

We took Baby V for her (delayed) 6 mo check up/shots today. The CW was supposed to fax the foster parent agreement (which she claims she did), but the dr office checked twice and didn't have it. They let us bring her in only bc it was DSS that scheduled the apt. I was a bit peeved with this, and the lady at the doc was also surprised that we had absolutely no docs on her. Luckily, she explained that she was covered by insurance and we did not need to pay anythying out of pocket.

The weird thing was that the staff all knew Baby V and were surprised that stragers were bringing her in. They all asked what happened, but we just said we didn't know (which technically is true anyway). I thought it was important for Baby V to have continuity of care through the same office/doctor, even if it meant creating a weird situation for the bios later. Besides, we didn't say why she was with us, so the bios can say as much or as little as they want if asked by the staff later.

How have the rest of you all handled doctor visits as far as privacy issues? Suggestions for the future?

Thanks.

We used the same dr for our 1st two FD's. With "B" the Dr was not suprised that she had been removed. He had suspected that her mom was using Meth. I didn't say a word to them, they just knew I was the FP because of the paperwork. With "K", a newborn, the pediatrician had seen her at birth and knew that she was being taken into care. He was excited when he saw me walk in with her (he knew me by this point) He was a very good dr and never put me in any wierd situations and never ask me any questions that would breech confidentiality. If they do ask ?'s, just tell them politely that you can't talk about it.

[myForeverkids3]

Originally Posted by GoddessDanu

I think with a child who is old enough to talk and comprehend language, you can make the decision as to whether they call you Mommy and Daddy with that child. But, with an infant, you should immediately call yourselves Mommy and Daddy. Frank and I attend attachment therapy because of all his moves and loss of parents. The attachment therapist said claiming an infant right away will give them the sense of belonging and security they need to help them overcome their grief issues. Losing a parent is HUGE for an infant and they need to know that you're going to be the stable base for them. Everyone is different but some people don't use Mommy and Daddy because they're afraid of attaching. That's the worse thing for a baby. Good luck with your new placement and hopefully you'll have more information regarding the case soon.

It is the "claiming" part that I do not do with foster children. They DO have a mommy and daddy. Yes, they only see the 1-2 times a week, but they are still mom and dad. (and with the toddler, she was very confused when people called me her mommy) If a child did not have visits, I would think differently about it.
Claiming a child as your own and attatching to them are two different things to me. My FKs got the same level of care and attention and affection from me as my DD I adopted as a newborn. I did not withhold anything from them or avoid attatching to them. I simply kept my role in their life clear and avoided having them confused and having them lose another "mommy". When my FD returned home, we kept in contact and I still call her on her bday. Her bparents were open to that because they did not feel that we ever tried to "claim" her as ours. They were grateful for that and feel that it made her transition back home much easier for her. It is hurful to hear someone critisize our decision about that because it would have been so much easier for us to just live in fantasy land and let her call us mommy and daddy. We did not want to do that to HER. It was not a selfish decision and it was not to avoid attatching.