[greenrobin]

I've had kids here who called me Mrs. X, by my first name and also by mom. I never made a big deal out of that--whatever they felt comfortable with was fine by me. My favorite was Dama Mamacita. In my mind, it's up to the kids what they choose. I introduce myself by my first name and let it go.

Claiming? Yes. While they are here, they are part of our family and that never depends on what you call me. But there is always an honoring of their birth families. Whenever possible, we have pictures of their moms and dads on display. We talk openly about them. We get all excited to go visit or make art projects or take pictures for them. I even still have multiple pictures of Barbie out for Bubba and Flowergirl and their adoption finalized.

The children are a part of 2 families. That can be a very positive thing because it means that many more people love them.

I'm of the "it takes a village" mindset.

And for the record, I'm not into arguing over it. My kids always called me mama...well, when they started calling me something other than "hey you." And they always called their first mother Barbie (which is a pseudonym). They didn't love her any less because they used her first name. They don't love me any more because I'm mama. They understand who was who and which is which.

Now don't get me started on last names, though!

[anilorak13ska]

I think having Baby V has been the best thing that has happened to us on our parenthood/adoption journey thus far. There is no romanticizing what it's like, what we will and will not do with the baby, it is what it is, and we are starting to wonder if we want to get into it in the future with an infant. I suspect I'd make a better mommy for an older baby, over age 1, even a preschooler.

Our 4.5 yo niece is the apple of my eye, and I think I inadvertently hope/expect all kids to be like her. Although I wasn't as fond of her as an infant - she cried a lot and didn't sleep through the night for several years. Now she's at the perfect age for me, I think.

We need to have a talk about that.

greenrobin - I LOVE the title "Dama Mamacita"! Baby V is Hispanic and dh is too, so when I read that, I had to smile! I am curious (if you want to get into it here) about the last names... you mean once a child is adopted, right?

Well, we are at the beach this weekend. Baby V is getting plenty of outdoor time that she loves so much. It's been breezy and warm, now getting cooler, and between the baby carrier and her stroller, she's getting plenty of fresh air!

Oh! She just woke up from her nap.

[greenrobin]

yep--after adoption.

I am glad to pass on Dama Mamacita. It was given to me by a beautiful little Hispanic girl who spoke next to no English when she came here. It was an honor for her to call me that!

[anilorak13ska]

You'll all be happy to know (I think) that I have pondered the time when Baby V is returned home and got teary eyed. Are we bonding? I'd say so! We spent all day together yesterday, and it made all the difference to have been sick the night before and thus having to call in sick to work yesterday and having dh cover the night shift!

Her first supervised visit is in a couple of hours. I'm glad I won't be there to "hand her over" when the SW comes (she's picking her up from my mom's who cares for her when I'm at work), but I will be there when she brings her back.

Also, I have come around to using the terms "mommy and daddy", and we both use them now no prob. We're not her only mommy and daddy, nor her bio mommy and daddy, nor even her legal mommy and daddy, but we're parenting her right now, so we're mommy and daddy while we have her. (Which, btw, sounds like it may be a while, though we'll know more [we hope] at the hearing in two weeks)

[anilorak13ska]

Well, we've attended the service planning meeting, and we don't know any more as far as how long we can expect Baby V to stay with us. However, it was VERY therapeutic for me to meet her parents. I understand my part in the bigger picture, and I'm OK with having her for as little or as long as is needed for her parents to figure out what they're doing in order for her to go home happy. They're good people, and amazingly they were not resentful of us having their daughter. Instead, they thanked us repeatedly, which put my mind at ease.

The CW doesn't expect Baby V to go home after the adjudication hearing on Friday, but from what I've been reading on here, it's the judge's call, and you never know what they'll decide (or why!). If she doesn't go home on Friday, then we are expecting to have her at least until December 11 (the disposition hearing).

We've settled in nicely into a routine now. We went back to referring to each other as tia/tio (auntie/uncle), since it made more sense that way when we met her bio parents. But we have no problem claiming her as our responsibility and parenting her regardless of the titles we do or do not use.

Which brings me to another question: when do you tell folks that a child is your foster child? And whom do you tell?

I mean, some folks will obviously know that one day we don't have children, and the next day we do. So those folks we've specified she's our foster daughter. Also, lots of folks know we've been trying to adopt, and I've had to correct a neighbor that we're not adopting her, bc I don't want any weird explanations later as to where did she go?

So what have you all done in regards to this?

[greenrobin]

You know, I don't tell. But people know anyway.

When asked, I say something vague like, "This is Bubba and Flowergirl. They're staying with us" and let it go. Sometimes I don't even add the staying with us part.

People will figure it out. And not telling outright just discourages so many nosy questions!

I mean, who's not going to ask about 4 beautiful Hispanic kiddos when the woman herding them is as white as they come, right? So, I let the kids decide--or not. It's their story, not mine.

Glad to hear that things are going well.

[anilorak13ska]

greenrobin - I totally get what you're saying, though how do you respond to questions like "is that your daughter?" I mean, if we were adopting, then it's a nonissue (yes, it is), but if these folks see us every now and again, and one time the child is with us, and then they're not....

I guess I don't see it as something that needs to be hidden. I mean, I understand especially with older kids that they may not want folks to know that these are the circumstances of their life right now. But it is what it is, and I don't want to encourage hiding it like it's some sort of dark secret. We're foster parents. Baby V is currently staying with us. She'll be going back home at some point. The details of why are irrelevant and I tell people it's private if they ask.

But maybe I'm still naive? I mean, I can pretend I'm THE (only) parent, but then how do I explain not knowing things like where she was born, etc.?

I guess I'm trying to avoid weird situations, and not sure if that's possible.

[sunnymommy]

I have struggled with this exact same thing. We got a baby from the hospital. I obviously hadn't been pregnant to a lot of people who know me but aren't really close. I always just said This is ____, she's our foster baby. I loved how it brought the issue of fostering up. A couple people were like, What's fostering? And then I got to explain and I just felt like it made more people aware of fostering in general. But, if they were people I didn't know and not likely to see again I didn't feel they needed to know unless asked outright which I don't lie. But, it was weird because we were out when she was very young and sometimes I got comments from strangers about how awesome I was to be out so shortly after giving birth. I just smiled, but I felt deceptive! We also had a bed and breakfast host ask how many children we had at home and I didn't know how to answer. I think I said 1 1/2 which was all I could think of and then of course had to explain. So I never quite figured this one out either. I do think it would be different if the children were older, but as we only take littles right now I hope I find answers I am comfortable with.

[anilorak13ska]

We keep having these questions. We ran into an old family friend the other day at church, and he asked if Baby V was "ours". DH answered w/o a pause, "no, we're just taking care of her". Afterwards, I told him that perhaps we should just get into the habit of saying, "yes, she's our foster daughter", bc if we get an older child, we don't want to be saying in front of them that they're "not ours" or "ours". It should be what it is, they shouldn't be made to feel weird about being with temporary parents.

Another thought ... what if a child is removed from a married couple, and then the couple informs DSS that they are splitting up... how does that effect the child's being returned home? Where would home be? With the mom or the dad? I'd imagine this would make the time in care longer, as DSS tries to figure out not only IF the child goes back and WHEN, but also WHERE. Anyone have any wisdom to share on this???