[Mkap]

hi all,
The finalization for our daughter's adoption is pending. As most of you know, we are adopting through a private adoption. Both birth parents have completely relinquished their rites in court. We are truly only waiting out the obligatory 6mo wait Ohio law requires to finalize. Birth mom lives in another state and is in touch with a mutual friend. They are coming to our town this coming weekend to visit family and requested a visit with our daughter. I've always said I would be open with her but she has said she wanted zero contact. Now she wants a visit. I'm nervous. What if she has regrets? What if she wants her back? Thoughts and advice please.

[sunshinemomma]

Can you talk with her first? I personally think that openness can be a wonderful thing for all if it is healthy. Maybe a phone call or a short visit with you and your hubby first would put everyone more at ease.

[brl]

I don't know your situation, so my advice may not count.

If you say no, she could "get back" at you by trying to go to get kid back.

This could be her goodbye visit and may help mom to let go.

How will this visit affect your child?

If I did do the visit it would be supervized by someone with authority etcc... to document any problems.

Is this going to open the door for Moms future involvement in your lives evertime she is in town etc..

just some thoughts,

[onhazier]

If the bioparents have relinquished their rights in the court, how could they get them reinstated?

[crick]

I'm sure it's nerve wracking!!!

That said, I think if bmom had said she didn't want contact and is now asking to see the baby, it's probably a good thing? I would think if she wanted to parent, she would not need to see her baby to want that. Kwim?

She very well may have regrets and may be grieving. There isn't anything you can do about that though other than keeping communication open if that's what you said you'd like to do. It might help her have less regret if she can see dd again.

Sounds like the visit is requested only because they will be in town to see family. That to me doesn't say "I'm coming because I want my child back", but rather "I'm here and would like to see her".

Hopefully it works out and you can be comfortable with the decision you make. I'm sure it's not easy!

[Joy2566]

Be careful about allowing contact while she is still a foster child. You should contact the case worker to make sure it is allowed. I got in trouble for taking my kids to see their birth mother one month before our finalization.

[athikers]

Yes, be sure to get permission if the adoption is not yet final.

[mamachell]

I completely understand why you are hesitant. I'm sure you're afraid she'll say, "What a cute baby.....I made a mistake." However, maybe she does just want a good-bye visit.

I'm not sure who "supervises" when there is a private adoption but I'd definately ask them. Plus, I'm thinking you may have an adoptions attorney by now, if not, I'd retain one and then find out what birthmom is able to do if she did change her mind. Is your daughter now considered a foster child and is birthmom entitled to a visit? Can family step up?

I personally would try to avoid it if possible and see if pictures will do.

[stevenstwin]

I'm a bit confused. WAS this child ever a foster child? I thought it was a private adoption -which would mean no need for anyone's permission, or for a visit supervisor, etc.

[Mkap]

Alanna, our baby girl, was never a foster child. We were matched with her birthmom prior to her birth. We were fortunate enough to be present for her birth, I was the first one to hold her. We've been her parents from day one. Her bmom and bdad were very supportive of the adoption. I have spoken with our adoption attorney and she has advised us that the visit should be fine. She said, based on the consents that it would be extremely difficult for bmom to do anything legally if she changed her mind. I don't think that is bmom's intention.
After having a few days to process the idea of the visit and to listen to all of your advice, I feel at ease with the visit. In fact, I'm really looking forward to seeing her and her seeing Alanna. There hasn't been a day that has gone by where I don't think of bmom and bdad and how grateful I am to them. I'll keep you all updated as to how things go.
thank you so much.

[Becki_in_IN]

I think you are very blessed to have a birthmom that cares. Our kid's birthmom and birthfamily could care less. Now that our kids are getting older it really matters to them, and it hurts. My niece's birth uncle has recently gotten in contact with my sister's family. He has prayed for my niece and been concerned about her since her birth. I am so thrilled for her, but am dreading it when my kids find out. It will really hurt.