[thelowlanders]

I don't have much to offer but ...I'm sorry.

Only thing I would make sure of ... No emotional response to her actions. Don't let her actions get a big bang of energy from anyone. Which you seem to be a very knowledgeable FP and probably already know this.

Truly hope you have a good CW that will handle this appropriately.

[EandDmom]

Originally Posted by thelowlanders

I don't have much to offer but ...I'm sorry.

Only thing I would make sure of ... No emotional response to her actions. Don't let her actions get a big bang of energy from anyone. Which you seem to be a very knowledgeable FP and probably already know this.

Truly hope you have a good CW that will handle this appropriately.

Thanks..that is what we tried to do and also what the therapist said to keep doing so she doesn't feel she is getting into trouble for telling us things. So far we have an excellent cw and I really think she will handle it appropriatly. Only problem is somethings she wants to do her supervisor says no so I'm more worried about the supervisor than the cw.

[EandDmom]

Talked to cw she said DCS is not going to investigate it because they have to have a specific name of who to investigate. She has talked with the therapist though and given her permission to work with fd and see if she can get any more information. Dh and I figure since mom is doing most of what she is supposed to be doing the kids will be going back in the next few months. We are going to court today but doubt anything new is going to happen.

[ladyjubilee]

Ok, well, I don't know what the therapist ended up saying but from the viewpoint of having parented chidlren who were sexually abused I'm less concerned about what the court or someone else might or might not say. I don't see my roll as foster parent as an evidence gatherer. I still report behaviors but not with a mind to what will be brought up in court.

That said, I think that when we parent children who act out sexually we sometimes run up against our own inhibitions and taboos. One child would do the naked, touch the body thing. (With professional input) I didn't correct. Instead just said, "when you're ready, come out." The child's bedroom is a private place and is the appropriate place to attend to "personal" activities. A naked barbie doll is just that a naked barbie doll--and even if naked Barbie humps naked Ken the dolls are still just dolls. That is an appropriate way to work through truama. The alternatives are for the child to become secretive and wait for a responsible adult's turned back then act out, perhaps on others or animals. Or worse yet, we send the message that sex or bodies are dirty....which by implication means the child is dirty.

Too some activitie that we see as sexual are just plain natural. Kids do test nakedness. They do self touch. They even mimic what they see on TV or billboards. But, I think, we have to be careful not to react....or rather not to react where the children can see us. It's so not easy.

[Rev320ratjat]

Originally Posted by EandDmom

Ok I have talked to the therapist, the casa and the supervisor for the cw as their cw is out of the office today. Casa is going to request a dr. visit to check for anything in the past that may have been done to her sexually. Therapist said we did everything correct and to just listen and document anything said that it could be as some of you have said anything from she saw a movie in the past to something has happened. Cw supervisor said they will have a meeting today with all everyone and try to get ground work layed out for this. I'll feel much better when I have talked to their actual cw. Thanks again to all your advice I really appreciate it.

Well, at this point we don't know whether there was any abuse or not, but if there was, it's not going away and will re-surface down the road. Just continue to do what you are doing. It makes sense that they can't investigate when a perpetrator hasn't been named. It also makes sense that children are exploratory, curious creatures and this may have nothing to do with abuse. At least you have talked to the right people and been told what to do IF any information were to come out in the future. Hugs to you and I pray that your little one remains safe.

[AmahMama]

I agree with almost all of the other posters in some part or another. DHS has a fine line to walk here also, so I can see (tho' not really agree with) their reluctance to follow up on this with a direct accusation. We can never know for sure what has happened to these little ones. For them what is/was real or what they are thinking.....

I had a sib group of 4. When placed the oldest was 3- youngest 10 months and no twims. the oldest 2 (boy and girl) had behaviors that were way out there also - to the point that I 'reported', documented, reported, and asked questions, fs dropped his pants at preschool and ran from teachers shouting 'you can't catch me', fd was 'humping' dolls to the point of hot, sweaty, hard breathing, (you get the picture) crabby if interrupted, tunes. I reported and even took pictures of behaviors that I thought were suspicious. No action at all until I caught fd performing orally for fs. It all sounds sickening. And it was. Worst about it was... they were 3 and 4 years old. They had been with us for 8 months. Weeks after reporting this last behavior, someone read the report, called the hotline, investigators were called, police showed up (they were in disbelief that they had to even show - quote "if the perpetrator is the 4 year old - I don't know what I'm doing here - I'm not arresting him and he is already in care'. There was a safety plan put into place (as if this was a brand new issue) and the kids were all moved within 48 hours to seperate foster homes (to protect them from each other). There were never any allegations towards us. Never even brought up that anything in our home had brought any of this up. Topping on the cake tho' was - 3 weeks after the emergency, rushed, uncalled for removal from our home - ru happened with bio M and all 4 living in a 2 bedroom home. CW said that we (as fp's) had to have a higher standard and more safety something or another in place because of the liablilty of caring for a strangers children (what a crock! IMHO) but bio didn't have to provide the same safety standards.

Their therapist said from the start not to coax, coach, ask questions, or in any way give extra attention, show surprise, disbelief, or any sort of judgement for any of these behaviors. Treat them with the same tones as 'no you may not play with that toy' everyday voice and conversations. ie... 'this is not the way we play with dolls in our house" or, 'in our home we keep our clothing on unless we are in private' type of thing. Not to let this become an attention getter or buy into a lot of hysteria.

But, all this said. . document, document, document. It has saved my butt more times than I'd like to admit. Many behaviors that fk's come up with are pretty normal... but many aren't. And it all depends on what remark is made to who and what whoever decides to make of it that gets a lot of misunderstood balls rolling. Document what happened, who you called, results, who called back, who didn't, what they said and what they didn't say. Keep it as impersonal as possible (very hard to do). "Just the facts ma'am"...

It sounds like a lot... but after getting started is is really easy. a notebook that you can't tear the pates out of. date --- event, results, visits, results, etc... and if nothing happened on that date - just the date and 'nothing of note - unsual day' and squiggle thru the rest of the line. it's easy to do once in the habit.

Good luck- and lots of hugs to you and the little ones.