[JessicaBaker]

Just a little history, fd came to us at 4 months and was R/U 3 weeks ago (she was 22 months at the time). I have a pretty good relationship with her mom and we were thinking of having some contact after R/U. I was going to take her one day a week so mom could focus on school. I thought it might be a win-win situation.

Now I'm thinking I was wrong. It seems to be really hard on fd. She is soooooo happy to see us but I can tell that it is hard on her. She cries a lot and won't let me out of her sight, etc.

It's almost like a wound that is healing but then the scab gets ripped off again every week. I know that my own grief resurfaces and can be hard to handle (and I'm an ADULT!).

I thought it might be pyschologically healthy to stay in touch, that she would feel less abandoned etc. but now I'm worried that the contact is just preventing her from "moving on" emotionally. She's not even two, so it's impossible to know what's going on with her by verbal means.

What do you think? Is it best to butt out of her life completely? Or should we wait a month or so and try again? Or continue contact? I just really want to do what is best for her.

[ABJones]

We are about to be in the situation. Everyone thinks it would be good for us to stay in our fchildrens lives after R/U which should be happening soon. They want them to know that it is okay to keep a bond with us. But I worry about their ability to bond to their bfamily if we are still in the picture? My advice (because I have been thinking about it a lot.) Is maybe to wait a month or two let her adjust into her new life and then slowly introduce yourself back in. That way she knows you will always be around and lesson the feeling of abandonment, but after she has had sometime to heal from her loss of you. One of the workers has asked that we be involved in some of the childrens activities for a month or two at least after transition home to make them feel more secure, but this really worries me. I am not sure how the children will react to this. Keep us updated. I would love to know how it works out for you and what you decide to do to help her.

[greenrobin]

Just like in the beginning of any relationship, she needs time to attach to those around her. And while you love her and she loves you, you are right--it's ripping off the scab. Right now, she needs time to fully bond to and attach with her mom. Think of it like a skin graft--unless we quit picking at it, it will not fully heal. Given time, though, you can can touch it without causing any pain. The scar is still there, but it's fully functional.

She won't stop loving you, but she will start loving her mom more fully.

You're so insightful to see that. Especially when it hurts you, too.

Give it time and distance. Then try again when you ffd is more secure.

God bless you all. It's so incredible that you can do this!

[athikers]

We tried to do this with Teeter (our first tube feeder, that we had when you had a tube feeder). It was waaaaaaaaay too hard on him and us. We kept it up until we were sure he could safely stay where he was, and then we said goodbye. We have seen him just once in the 12 months since then... I don't know if he still remembered us or not, he's pretty little!

[JessicaBaker]

GreenRobin, thank you for your kind words. It was just what I needed to hear!

ABJones, each situation is different and I'd always say it's worth giving it a shot. I think the age and personality of the kids is a big factor. We had some visits with a former foster son (our tube-feeder) that worked out really well. He was younger,delayed, and super easy-going.

But for the time with this situation we're just going to let it go.