[Emmesmom]

Hi,
I'm so sad. What should have been a good thing now has me, and P so sad. Her Nanny was arrested for harboring her daughter (P's mom) in her apartment. P's mom has been MIA for about 3 months, even though she was sighted at the Nanny's apt. Finally the police showed up with a warrent and Nanny was caught. SO, she can no longer be a resource for P, and I am the only one left as the parents are going through TPR in Dec. So I had to tell P that her Nanny broke the rules and she will not have her visit the weekend. P is a mess, she is sobbing, hitting me, which she hasn't done for a long time, and keeps saying "this is your fault, you did this, you got my nanny in trouble." I finally broke down tonight and cried with her because she is just so sad. I fear that she will never be able to bond with me when she knows her nanny is only one county away. While it is clear Nanny was not a good resource, she was smoking pot only a month ago, and she has lost all of her children to C & Y due to various issues, there is still a bond between P and her. Has anyone ever adopted a child so sad with relatives so close? Will P be able to get past this and have a happy life? I am her 5th home in 7 years.

[hermommy]

I have no advice to give, just wanted to say I am sorry for both you and P..
Your in my prayers

[greenrobin]

emmesmom, tomorrow we adopt 2 beautiful kids whose first family is 2 counties away. They know. They've always known.

And while Flowergirl only remembers me as mom, Bubba has lots of memories about "Barbie." Some are fantastic, some are horrific, but he loves her still. In fact, last night he was telling me that he didn't understand why he couldn't go home. She only "hurted" him once. Well, she only put him in the hospital once. She did lots of things other than that.

Will he ever give up? I don't think so. He loves her. And he punishes me from time to time for not being her. But he loves me. I know he does. He knows he does. He just has to do what he does while he processes things.

It feels personal, but it isn't. At least not toward you. You are handy. Her real anger is toward all of those folks who didn't protect her. When Bubba felt compelled to tell me it was my fault for things that happened, I calmly told him it was not, it was due to decisions that Barbie and grandpa and great grandma were making. And then the judge had to make decisions because of their choices. I've said it so much that when I start it now, he says, "Yeah I know--choices."

I'm sorry that she is so devastated. But it's part of the process. No fair, but part of it anyway.

Everyone has let her down and hurt her. She's trying to make sure that if you leave, it's because she wanted you to. That's easier than allowing love to grow up between you. Hang on. It took time for her to become this hard and angry. It will take time to trust.

[Withay]

I've not adopted a child who was so sad with relatives that lived so close. I have, however fostered a child like that. In the end this child was adopted to another state, several states away. It was felt that this was the only way that this child would stand a chance at happiness.

I hate to say it, but this may be what P needs. It may be that a complete separation from Nanny is what it will take to let her regain her happiness with life.

Thank you for caring so much about this little soul.

[Emmesmom]

greenrobin, this is so helpful, I'm printing it out. Thank you so much.

[crick]

I totally echo Greenrobin's post!

I also want to suggest that you have P's sw come and talk to her about the situation. Let the sw be the "bad guy" and allow P to direct her anger to the sw. Might not resolve P's anger towards you completely, but it might help. The sw can tell her that Nanny didn't make the right choices and that you didn't have anything to do with it etc. For little kids who can't quite grasp all the complexities of the situation and loss of control, it can help to have someone else they know to discuss it with them.

Poor girl! She'll have some grieving to do for sure, and it is going to be difficult. Keep being there for her!!

[mom2fabtwins]

It may sound silly, but a previous FD may have put it best. She was 7. She had Grandparents she was close with that were included in the TRP of the parents. When we talked about the coices they made and the chances the judge gave them she said "Like Little Bunny Foo Foo?" I had to stiffle a chuckle and say "yes". After 2-3 minutes of silence as we drove down the road I got "well I hope the judge turns them into Goons".

This lead to a totally new conversation, but i like the analogy.