[2momsinGA]

This weekend, the following article was in our local newspaper. I thought that others here might find this new policy interesting.

Foster care system focuses on building relationships with birth, adoptive parents - News - Ledger-Enquirer.com

It seems to me that, as usual, it all revolves around the birth parents. Is it likely that foster parents will be able to "overlook" the abuse and/or neglect that they've committed on these children?

I'm happy to be in the "adopt only" category now. I know I am NOT up for that role. Supporting reunification is one thing, but isn't providing "services" to birth parents DFCS' role?

[iammykidsmom]

I was approached about this by another foster parent and i said 'i'm raising my kids AND HER kids, I don't have time to RAISE HER TOO!' give me a break.

[stevenstwin]

I understand this is becoming a real trend - and a requirement in some places. While I personally could not do it, I do believe that some people are really good at this. It is certainly an admirable goal to want to be a part of helping families heal. It really depends (for me) on the reasons for the child being in foster care. Many birthparents are not horrible people - but just need a little help.

[fostapeepz]

That's the way they're going here in NE. We were told about it at a training seminar. They want foster parents to help model parenting. That's great in theory, but not always applicable. Foster parents aren't trained to train parents! We're licensed to care for children! I'm extremely glad we are finalizing soon (and possibly a speedy guardianship on our teen). I'm just not sure where we're going to fit in to this new style of foster parenting.

[parenting-over-40]

I am a Mom who has successfully adopted one child thru Foster Care and I hope to adopt one more.

That being said, I hear what you are saying. However, if you don't mind, I would like to shed some light from a different perspective.

Some of these birth parents (probably most of them) didn't have a positive role model EVER in their life. They don't know how to take care of a child or treat a child because no one took proper care of them. Typically, they are a 3rd, 4th, or 5th generation of bad parenting. Couple that with the fact that they aren't familiar with the concept of regular paying jobs. The people they are related to and the people they know aren't exactly your 8 to 5 type people that can provide a roof over their heads, clothes, and food on the table on a regular basis.

These are all things we take for granted and we do naturally.

Just think if you were in their shoes and no one ever taught you these basic life skills. You grow up on the streets, going hungry from time to time, around gangs and drugs etc. One day you have a baby. How would you treat your child? The way you were treated by your family. Right?

So, the theory is if we can stop this generational problem by teaching them how to parent correctly, then wouldn't that be a good thing? A great contribution back to society.

The long term effects . . . fewer children being abused. That is definitely a good thing. These parents can now raise their children correctly. Their children turn around and raise their children correctly. You have now impacted generations of a family that otherwise wouldn't have a chance.

Not all families would be a good fit for this program. Some just won't make the necessary changes to keep their children. However, for those that do, what an Awesome feeling to know you have impacted that family for generations to come.

Once again I HEAR WHAT YOU ARE SAYING! I just wanted to shed some light from a different perspective.

As much as I love my baby girl, I would have worked this program with her birth family in a heartbeat if they were willing. Yes, I love her that much.

[Longing2bMom]

Wow, I'm so glad it's not done like that here. In my fost/adopt classes they told us that we can choose to have absolutely NO contact with the birth parents if we prefer. Even visits can be arranged so that the foster parents and birth parents never meet. I haven't been matched with a child yet, so I can't say for sure how much contact I'll want with the birth parents, but right now, I'm thinking that the NO contact option sounds good. I definitely can't see myself ever wanting to be their mentor. It's not my job to teach them how to be a parent!

[Shiree132]

I agree with parenting over 40 above, what a great impact we could have on many generations to come. Yes, I would love to keep this adorable little baby girl, but I also love her enough to try and be a positive role model to her mom in simple ways. I am going to start by sending a small notebook to the visitations, describing what her baby has been doing, and inviting her to write down anything she would like for me to know. I can't say it will work, but it's worth a try. She is very young, and did not have good parenting, and the least I can do is reach out in the simplest way, which may or may not have an impact on her, we shall see!

[CaddoRose]

I don't have a problem with the concept, but there are issues inherent in this that are huge. Just thinking about why kids are taken in foster care in the first place is enough to make me very concerned about bio's knowing anything about where I live, who I am, etc. and considering the usual causes of abuse, drugs, severe neglect coupled with mental illness and crime,these are not things I am trained to work with.

I'm a good parent to children. I know who to raise children, and while I can mentor adults who are fully functioning and healthy, it's those who are not capable that need help I can not give them. I am also paid to provide food and shelter to the children. Who pays for my time training the adults? There are professionals who do this type of work and I would want to be trained and paid accordingly. I'm not a foster parent for the money by any means, but I can't give up my job to mentor parents without compensation.

So far, none of the bios of my kids would have been able to learn how to parent due to mental illness and drugs. There are no real drug abuse centers or drug counseling centers near here, so until they could get clean and stay that way, I would not want to be involved with them and the same for those with mental illness. They need help I can't give them and no amount of mentoring on my part would help them overcome the underlying problems that led to the loss of their children.

[laceyc]

I don't have any foster placements yet but I love to be able to make a difference not just in the life of a child but in the life of a family. In theory it sounds like such a great idea/program. I am certain there are some parents for whom this simply would not work. But even if it turned one family around it wouldn't it be worth it?

[Jensboys]

I think possibly I have ended up in this role by accident. I supervise all visits - and 90% of them take place in our home. Often they are over a meal time and I feed the parents as well. (way to model food for kids that doesnt come from 7-11).

I talk lots about the babies' schedules, why I do what I do (no propping, brushing teeth, regular naps and bedtimes, bath every day, lots of cuddles, no going to bed with a bottle etc). We have toys here and books here (all things are girls didnt have before) and it gives them the opportunity to play etc with the kids and see what they need and why (there were sig. dev delays)

I do realize however that our style of parenting is COMPLETELY foreign to them -- bed times/nap times etc are something that Noone in their family follows. Food and bottle issues are huge ... its a total lack of education on this stuff combined with some huge cultural differences.

An unexpected outcome of this is that the parents are EXTREMELY comfortable with us having their children and like us alot -- so comfortable that their incentive to work their plan is completely gone. They have no fear that the girls are in a bad foster home or arent happy or loved ... and it seems to have sucked their motivation to change. Although hard to know if it would have been there originally.

We do have a very positive relationship though.

[akg1229]

Originally Posted by CaddoRose

I don't have a problem with the concept, but there are issues inherent in this that are huge. Just thinking about why kids are taken in foster care in the first place is enough to make me very concerned about bio's knowing anything about where I live, who I am, etc. and considering the usual causes of abuse, drugs, severe neglect coupled with mental illness and crime,these are not things I am trained to work with.

I'm a good parent to children. I know who to raise children, and while I can mentor adults who are fully functioning and healthy, it's those who are not capable that need help I can not give them. I am also paid to provide food and shelter to the children. Who pays for my time training the adults? There are professionals who do this type of work and I would want to be trained and paid accordingly. I'm not a foster parent for the money by any means, but I can't give up my job to mentor parents without compensation.

So far, none of the bios of my kids would have been able to learn how to parent due to mental illness and drugs. There are no real drug abuse centers or drug counseling centers near here, so until they could get clean and stay that way, I would not want to be involved with them and the same for those with mental illness. They need help I can't give them and no amount of mentoring on my part would help them overcome the underlying problems that led to the loss of their children.

You know I am really glad that my alternative high school didn't feel that way about me. I live with bipolar disorder everyday of my life and "self medicated" as a young teen. My teachers and principal at this small school worked very hard to teach me responsibility and the difference between right and wrong so I WOULDN"T end up like others in my family. I am now a licensed foster parent who is mentally stable and able to handle lifes ups and downs becuase I was TAUGHT an alternative way. Sorry this just really offended me.

[Jensboys]

akg - not putting words into someone else's mouth -- but I think the difference was you were a CHILD. In this situation (mentor -foster parenting) its about mentoring adults who by their behaviors have HURT (often horribly) a child.

The primary responsibility and goal is to the child.

Its just not so easy when you are dealing with adults who by their own choice are often behaving in ways that hurts those most innocent - their children.

[akg1229]

I'm not saying that I don't agree that it is not our JOB to do this, and I would be frustrated at having to take care of someones child and then "mentor" them while trying to juggle my own personal life and job with it. True, I had not abused a child or anything like that... but I did not go back to high school until I was 18 and did not graduate until I was 20. I'm just saying... if you're willing to do it at all you should be willing to do it on a case by case situation, some mentally ill really do just need to see good examples. BTW I didn't mean that to sound as harsh as it did, I'm a little touchy about my MH issues, had to jump through some hoops to get licensed with the dx.


I should add the other stuff was when I was younger, I think that has a major effect on how the mentally ill respond to their communiy and others. Drugs and alchohol are bad for anyone, but for the mentally ill they are just pure dangerous.

[CaddoRose]

Originally Posted by akg1229

You know I am really glad that my alternative high school didn't feel that way about me. I live with bipolar disorder everyday of my life and "self medicated" as a young teen. My teachers and principal at this small school worked very hard to teach me responsibility and the difference between right and wrong so I WOULDN"T end up like others in my family. I am now a licensed foster parent who is mentally stable and able to handle lifes ups and downs becuase I was TAUGHT an alternative way. Sorry this just really offended me.

Sorry you took this the wrong way. If you didn't understand, I am saying that I am not a licensed medical professional and therefore am not in a position to provide the medical help for adult mentally ill people need, or drug addicts need, in order to then progress into being able to even comprehend how to become a good parent. I am however trained to help kids get the help they need and have been successful with my foster kids. The adults/parents need to get well before I could ever begin to offer them parenting advice or mentorship.

[fostapeepz]

Parenting-over-40 - I have thought about that. I do think it can be successful in some situations, and I'm willing to try it. I just don't feel I am qualified to tutor a parent with the minimal training we had. We were taught how to deal with childrens behaviors and how to fill out paperwork, essentially. I happen to be good at both of those things. I am not great at teaching adults. I know I SHOULD be understanding and patient...but with adults, I am not. I think if this is the way they intend to go, there needs to be a serious overhaul in the training area. I also think there are going to be many foster parents who got in to fostering to care for children, who will not be interested in branching out to mentor parents.