[vegaslilqt]

I'm so heartbroken, I've just received our 4th "no" in a week due to us having a 2yr old in our home. We're hoping for a moderate/severe special needs child between the ages of 0-6, any gender/race. But all we get is the same response - No.

Why would our case worker help us do a homestudy specifically for children 0-6 if she knew that we'd never have a child placed with us? We are a very high energy family we have a 2yr, 4yr and 11yr at home. And we would never apply for a child that we knew was far more needy then we could handle. I just don't get it!! GRRRR!! There are hundreds of kids in the foster care system but we can't seem to qualify for any of them!! I know some of you have adopted children very close in age, how do you do it?? Are we not saying the right words??

[evillemomndad]

I may be going out on a limb here, but I'm pretty sure that it's like this across the board.

I have 3 fosters, and one is considered moderate - severe (he's 5) and he requires alot of time, supervision, dedication and not to mention hospitalizations/surgeries (4 hours from home) and doctors visits (several a month, 4 hours from home).

They may feel that your children should be old enough to understand what is going on with their new brother/sister and why mommy & daddy aren't spending nearly enough time with me now ..

Just a thought, we're hoping to adopt as well so I can understand your frustration. Good luck!

[iammykidsmom]

THey choose the family that is the best fit and maybe there's someone a better fit? maybe there's someone with experience. They are the experts, maybe you think it's something you could handle but they know you wouldn't be able to.

[shycar]

In many cases with children that are high special needs, either by medical issues or behavior issues, sw prefer the child to be the youngest. When I read the photolisting, most kids that say moderate-severe special needs usually say, this child needs to be the youngest or only child in the home. I think its becouse a toddler requires so much attention that they might feel you might not be able to provide the attention to the child with moderate special needs. Also keep in mind some special needs is not medical, it is also behavior issues, some can be a danger to younger children and those rules are to protect all children in the home.

We have two special needs children in our home. Both came to my home as healthy. Its hard, not only on us adults, but also on the kids. My ds1 suffered a lot when dd was very ill. My dd, ds1, and fd get less of me due to ds2 and his needs. We decided after this fd leaves we plan to close our home. Its just not fair for our ds2 and any other child that comes to our home right now. Our ds2 needs so much attention right now. Maybe in a few years we can do again and adopt one more like we wanted, but right now its not going to be possible. Good Luck.

[mommytoEli]

i think, they are taking less children into the system, and have more parents willing to adopt, and so they are being pickier than they were in the past. my home was closed, despite the fact i wanted to keep going. when i inquired about working for the neighboring county, i was told no, bc i have 5 kids, but the county rule is you may have 6....i honestly think it is the same thing- too many families, not enough young kiddos, and they'd rather place them with families with no kids, or 1 or 2.

i'm sorry...i know it is frustrating.

[stevenstwin]

Yes, I think the safety of your own child might be a reason for the refusals. Often special needs children have some very negative behaviours toward smaller children. As many poeple on this board have discovered, it is very nearly impossible to ensure the safety of one child in the home if another is bent on harming them. Even door alarms and 100% line-of-sight supervision can fail, and goodness knows, I wouldnt' want to live that way to begin with! I'm hoping a child will soon become available where that is not a concern, and you'll get a "yes"!

[greenrobin]

My experiences with moderate to severe special needs kids actually comes from 2 directions. I gave birth to Sonny, now 21, and we fostered 3 very special needs emotionally challenged kids.

Sonny was the youngest of 3 and didn't have any big issues other than ADHD until after Jay was born. Even though he wanted a brother, the stress of the situation seemed to flip a switch. He was eventually diagnosed with bipolar and ODD. My sweet, busy boy became a very angry, raging one. My whole world was making sure that everyone including him was safe. His rages could go on for hours. I had to be supermom all of the time with him. My vigilance had to match his. And there would never be enough stuff in place to protect everyone no matter how hard dh and I worked at it.

He eventually got the right meds, the right therapy, and became much easier to live with, but never did it become normal again. And our older daughters and Jay have all asked me about it. They just didn't get my direct attention during the swings.

The other kids came here as foster placements. They were younger than Jay. I still had to work to protect Jay from them. There were fights and threats and knives and flying objects and eventually the police and psychiatric placements. And because I was so tied up with their behaviors, I didn't have time for Jay or their little sister Queenie.

Having a high needs child is often grueling work. Even if their behaviors are not the issue, there will still be hours spent in personal care, attending to medical issues, surgeries, fittings for special equipment, and a myriad of other things. It's not that you would resent it--you would LOVE that child! But, what about the babies you already have?

They will get older. Special needs kids will still be out there. And maybe there is a child for you out there right now--just not the ones for which you've been declined.

It is hard and disappointing. But look at the babies you have right now and remmber this--you can't get back this time. Your time will come.

[thelowlanders]

You know what's best for your family.

In my opinion, let your baby (2yr old) enjoy being the baby. It really is alot for those littles to suddenly have their attention cut by ...alot... Maybe it's a blessing in disguise that they're having you wait. Perhaps and older child would be a better fit. 11+ year old. They require a different kind of attention. So far, so good for us with our teen.

Just another perspective to consider. Otherwise, by all means, keep pushing for what your family wants. Best of luck to you

[hermommy]

I was just recently placed with a infant that is severly fragile. She has seziures, she has infantile cebral palsey (spelling?) she crys all the time, she is severly brain damaged. My opinion taking care of her is that she needs to be in a home with NO other young children. She has to have all the attention. I am only able to care for her until they find a better home. It is tough. I dont sleep much at all. Some days i even forget to eat until my sugar drops on me so low. (i am a diabetic)

The workers prob. dont want to put to much on you right now with young children. Even if you are able to handle things it may be really hard on your young children having to give up the time. They dont understand what is really going on all they know is that things have changed.

[1HappyMama]

Vegas, very sorry to know that you are having struggles. No words of wisdom, but hope that it is just that you haven't found the right situation to hear a "yes!"

[ranoutofnames]

I have found the profiles sent out from the agencies often don't have ALL the information, so even if the issues listed are ones you are prepared to handle... before the next one you might see if you can talk to the worker directly to find out if there is something else you should know BEFORE submitting your profile.

I have often phrased it to them that I don't want to waste their time or my time so I want to find out if there are issues to be aware of before considering whether to submit my paperwork.

I once had in foster care a special needs child that on the initial surface we thought we could handle... for heaven sakes how behavioral bad could a child just 3 weeks from turning 2yrs old be? We found out. I wish I could show you the pictures of him. In one picture he was smiling and looked so cute and innocent. In the next picture the only difference is the lack of expression or emotion in his face. Body position and everything else was the same... but looking at the picture you had to wonder if there was a soul in there that could love.

He would constantly bite and take sharp objects to stab anything/anyone with. A1 was only 20 months old and he bit her face by her eye so hard that she bled and we had to have her checked to ensure she didn't have permanent damage. It didn't matter how well I watched them, I couldn't protect her and couldn't help him because in my home he had someone to mistreat... he couldn't improve with me. It would be like asking an alcoholic to work in a liquor store.

[Larue]

I think the other posters gave you great insights. Concerns about the safety of your 2 year old may be the main reason you haven’t received a placement yet. Are you open to drug exposed newborns? Our little FD was born drug exposed and is considered "moderate" special needs. We picked her up from the hospital when she was only 4 days old, and although caring for her has been challenging at times, mainly long hours coaxing her to feed, and lots of medical appointments, there are no safety issues involved with caring for her. We have a 3 year old daughter, and this is something we have had to take into consideration as well. In our State there is a huge need for families to care for these angels, who are the littlest victims of drug abuse. We took in upon ourselves to attend training at a center in our State, called the Pediatric Interim Care Center, which specializes in caring for drug exposed babies, and specifically asked for these types of placements. If you’re a high energy family, and willing to care for one of these little angels, I would suggest talking to your social worker about this as an option.

Best wishes in your journey!!!

[vegaslilqt]

Originally Posted by Larue

I think the other posters gave you great insights. Concerns about the safety of your 2 year old may be the main reason you haven’t received a placement yet. Are you open to drug exposed newborns? Our little FD was born drug exposed and is considered "moderate" special needs. We picked her up from the hospital when she was only 4 days old, and although caring for her has been challenging at times, mainly long hours coaxing her to feed, and lots of medical appointments, there are no safety issues involved with caring for her. We have a 3 year old daughter, and this is something we have had to take into consideration as well. In our State there is a huge need for families to care for these angels, who are the littlest victims of drug abuse. We took in upon ourselves to attend training at a center in our State, called the Pediatric Interim Care Center, which specializes in caring for drug exposed babies, and specifically asked for these types of placements. If you’re a high energy family, and willing to care for one of these little angels, I would suggest talking to your social worker about this as an option.

Best wishes in your journey!!!

Thanks so much! Would this be specifically for foster or for adoptive placement? We are currently going for straight adoption.

Thanks Everyone! It's the case workers for the children mainly, everyone else thinks we'd be great. We're homestudied thru a private agency but that's only because we wanted straight adoption not foster. (our state will only do foster/adopt) So our only option is to look outside of our state for children. We're registered on AdoptUSKids and Adopt America Network (Beverly is awesome so far she sent off over 150 studies for us - poor woman - LOL) And it looks like that's the only thing that's stopping us is that we have a 2yr and 4yr old because that's the main responses that I'm getting back , mainly about us having a 2yr old. I've explained to them that moderate needs are not a problem even though we work full time DH and I still have 5 days off with our kids. We would really like a visually impared child since blindness is an issue that's close to me. We've also taken classes at the hospital to train us in G-tubes, Vents, preemie care which weren't even required! I'm beginning to think the only way we'll have another child in the family is to look outside of the country for special needs. :-(

[soupnazi]

Oh you're straight adopt. That's why you are not getting fast placements. Most kids in foster care that have the TPR are adopted by the foster parents that have had them 1-2-3 years.

You won't find many kids under 6 that are free to adopt AND would not endanger your existing little kids. If they are that age & not spoken for they have severe issues. Sometimes with health but mostly is behavioral.

Honestly you would pretty much have to foster-adopt to get a child that young that would be safe for your 2 year old.

I've explained to them that moderate needs are not a problem even though we work full time DH and I still have 5 days off with our kids.

Moderate needs for behavioral is a very big deal. I've seen a 4 year old have to be restrained by 5 adults...and he was just moderate. That would not be safe for your small kids.

[hrisme]

Is private adoption an option? I have a website that specifically lists infants available with special needs, they almost always have a couple on their list. I'm not sure where it is & I'm pretty sure I'd have to PM it (even though it's not an agency?), if you want it drop me a note privately and I'd be glad to track it down for you.

I agree, if you're waiting to go through the state you're going to wait quite awhile. Unfortuntaely those kids on the listings usually are those who have been placed in homes & listing is a technicality. In the meantime, there are care facilities where these babies are filling beds but can't be placed for some reason or another. I did respite for one little guy who spent literally his first two years in the hospital even though they probably could have found a willing placement. Sad, but true.