[aandr]

Hi All~

My 4 year old FS is hitting, kicking, throwing chairs and just being naughty in k-4. I may be blowing this out of porportion by saying he's getting kicked out, but I'm sure if he keeps it up they will. You all have so much experience -- what have you done that's worked? Any suggestions? He has been in a day care setting before -- so this is not something completely new. Currently we talk to him every morning about our expectations. I know foster children and younger children in general do better when they know what to expect. The teacher made a reward chart that he just completely blew off today. I don't know what else to do.

Thanks!

[newatthisfl]

I am the Director of a large preschool in Florida. Have you told the school that the child is currently in foster care? I hope that the staff gives him an extra measure of patience and understanding given what this child is going through. One thing that I have found helps is if I let children come to my office to have special time, such as coloring for 5-10 mins, or something of the like when they are behaving in a positive manner rather than bringing children to my office when they misbehave. Positive redirection is the best thing they could do. Ofcourse there is the possibility that there are other things at play due to his background but I don't know enough about him to help on that. How long has he been in the school? How do the teachers respond? Does he have any thing that is currently doing well in the classroom?

[aandr]

Hi newatthisfl,

Yes, we met w/ them extensively before sending them there and they are aware that they are foster children.

This is their second week there -- so it's been short and I have high hopes that it will get better -- I just hope soon.

On Wednesday -- his one good day this week the teacher did meet w/ him before class and talked to him about the reward chart. The class went better. Unfortunately when she tried today he just wouldn't do it. I like your idea about the positive redirection. I would assume when she takes him to the office she is there w/ him -- it's giving him what he wants. It would be better to take him there for good behavior. I'm not sure if there is anything he's doing well -- but I am going to find out. Thanks for the feedback!

[mommytoEli]

if this is a public school.....i don't know that they'd gain anything by kicking him out, bc he'll just be back next year for k, unprepared. kwim? i d talk to your worker, and then ask the school to have a meeting about his behavior. ask them what they are doing to control/change his behavior in the classroom. if they are doing everything reasonable, it may be time to explore some options with your worker and school. it is possible he is not just being naughty, it is possible something else is going on. the school should actually be able to help out some here. it is possible he could get a 504 ( a special education plan for health reasons) for his behavior that would allow him to be in a special placement or just provide for a different type of discipline plan. does he have any dx at all- adhd, ptsd, etc? that could help in getting him some extra assistance via a 504 in school as well.

whatever you do, don't do it alone....you, the worker, and the school all need to be on the same page. good luck!

[aandr]

So the saga continues. Over a month now and his behavior is still out of control. I just don't know what to do. This is not public so they can kick him out and they are pretty much saying that they are going to have to for safety reasons --- unless something drastic happens. Any other suggestions or thoughts?

thanks!

aandr

[onhazier]

Has he been evaluated by a child psychologist? I'm thinking of a neighbor who discovered her younger son has ADHD when he was 4 due to similar behaviors to what you're describing. Has he been evaluated to rule out physical or psychological causes to his behavior? It may be a case of him not being ABLE to control his behavior right now instead of him deciding to act out this way.

[ca-bigsister]

I would request an IEP evaluation through the local public school that has pre-K. When I was a CASA, I was able to get an evaluation for a 4-year-old. It was done through pre-k at the local public school. Get as many special services in now. It will only get worse. He may get kicked out of the private school, but he will be a lot better off if he gets services or an IEP before he starts public kindergarten. I would be the squeakiest wheel ever and would not mess around. After you get an evaluation and workup, then you can make decisions as a team based on the data.

I am a public school teacher, a foster parent, and was a CASA.

[meshsgrl]

Get him evaluated if possible... then discuss with the school steps they can take to provide him with natural consquences for his behavior.
My son was in a public school pre-k last year. Large classroom, little structure and lots of chaos. He was an angel at home, but would throw chairs, spit at and hit other kids at school. We tried the sticker chart, we tried time outs,(but he would just throw himself on the floor and scream)we tried lots of stuff. This year he is in a smaller classroom with a VERY strict teacher with a fun, exciting but very structured environment. I connected with the teacher from day 1 and she has been very firm with him and NO PROBLEMS.

The kids will try the teachers out, just like they do for us. If the teacher is to busy to allow natural consquences then the kids will be out of control.

Just an example. M would refuse to wash his hands. So they carried him to the sink. I would have said "fine you sit there until you are ready to wash your hands then you can participate in the next activity." someone else had a toy he wanted, he would grab it and then scream and act out when it was taken from him. At home that would mean you are not capable of playing with toys or other children. you play over here by yourself. (he is a VERY social child)
The school however felt like they did not have "time" to deal with it.

[aandr]

Thanks for all the input! I like the IEP evaluation and am having it re-done. He had one for speech therapy already so they just need to re-evaluate him.

meshsgirl -- Your situation sounds identical to ours. I think this is more than just his behavior. Don't get me wrong his behavior is a problem -- but I think there is to much chaos and they are not strict enough. At home we are the same way as you and he never would imagine doing the things he does in class.

Thank you everyone again!

[Drywall]

Hi aandr...I read your post re: "FS getting kicked out of K-4"...based on your story regarding him, it was not difficult to know how he feels and what's in his head. Ive been there.

Perhaps I can share some thoughts that may help to understand the feelings in your childs head.

I don't know his story so my sharing of feelings is based on his behavior. There is no attempt to explain behavior in all children.

After my adoption, I went through every abuse for a very long time, so its not hard to relate.

Adoption, in and of itself, regardless of the age it occurs, is a deep emotional experience. The scars from that, have been described many times.

If there is abuse beginning at a young age, and that abuse is connected to any form of caregiver, a developing consequence, is rage. The child is trapped. There is no protection and no safety. Each episode of continuing abuse promotes additional rage. And there may be other components such as grief, loss and despair connected to that abuse as well. But the most prominent feeling will come about as rage.

In young children, how to identify the rage is unknown to them. They know only that there is a deep hatred and lack of trust for all adults...particularly those who are authoritarian figures...(parents, teachers. etc.)

The child is unable to separate, so they put all adults into the same category.

There are serious trust issues, and they feel these new adults (school or foster care ) fit the mold of all past child experiences. Some form of RAD may develope as well.

2 things take place. There is a deep hatred and lack of trust with adults and secondly what developes is the, " I don't care" syndrome. A shield for the rage.

There is a detachment to everything...adults, peers, pets, and when it comes about, that rage focus for the child is constant. It's the only way they think....it is the biggest driving force in their lives everyday....some days it is more prominent than others...the only relief for them, is to be disruptive and wanting to shock and at times destroy any situation which is threatening, and they dont understand. This is the only means of venting long standing, but for them, a little understood rage.

What we don't always understand is that each abusive episode brings with it a deep emotional experience. Abuse is not free...it leaves it's footprint.

Additionally, we are unable to measure the extent of how broken that childs head may be. Much of the time we may recognize a broken head, but appropriate repairs are not always known...its often try..then wait to see.

The thoughts shared here, are not an attempt to explain the behavior of all children or to direct parents into what outcomes they should try to get...this is only a sharing of thoughts in attempt to provide for parents what feelings their child may be attempting to settle and doesnt know how.

Now there are teams of psychologists and other child specialists whose fields look at different aspects of the childs behavior and offer help. This will take a strong commitment, and a great deal of time and money. In the end, if a child can be saved, it has to be worth it.

I wish you the best,