[mommy09]

I've been feeling a little frustrated the past week because I've been having some jealousy issues with my 11 year old fd. Last week we got a new placement a 3 year old fs and she has been nothing but mean and critical of him. I realized that she acts this way only with our other foster kids not our bio daughter whom she adores. She's on his case 24/7 corrects him after I do and makes nasty comments. For example, he has a slight speech disability and needs therapy, it's hard to understand him sometimes but eventually you figure out what he is trying to say. The other day he was saying something to her and she couldn't understand him so she just told him to shut up! She is constantly telling him what to do and yelling at him. When I correct her and tell her to stop she gets extremely defensive and argumentative. I'm not playing favorites but I can't let her treat him like that. She did the same thing to my past fd-6. She is borderline abusive. And I dont understand why she is acting like this- she was the little girl that was abused by her mom and siblings. I think she has some deep down jealousy issues but it's only with the other fk. We are going to have a talk with her tonight and I'm trying to think of some positive ways to address her behavior. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks...

[stevenstwin]

Abused kids are very often abusive towards other children - they'll lash out at anyone smaller or weaker. You can certainly try talking to her, but I doubt it'll work much, at least not right away. I hope others can suggest some specific corrections, but I think that is what it is going to take - staying on top of it and correcting it. Perhaps each time she does this, you could make her do something for him, or do a chore he'd otherwise have to?

Originally Posted by mommy09

I've been feeling a little frustrated the past week because I've been having some jealousy issues with my 11 year old fd. Last week we got a new placement a 3 year old fs and she has been nothing but mean and critical of him. I realized that she acts this way only with our other foster kids not our bio daughter whom she adores. She's on his case 24/7 corrects him after I do and makes nasty comments. For example, he has a slight speech disability and needs therapy, it's hard to understand him sometimes but eventually you figure out what he is trying to say. The other day he was saying something to her and she couldn't understand him so she just told him to shut up! She is constantly telling him what to do and yelling at him. When I correct her and tell her to stop she gets extremely defensive and argumentative. I'm not playing favorites but I can't let her treat him like that. She did the same thing to my past fd-6. She is borderline abusive. And I dont understand why she is acting like this- she was the little girl that was abused by her mom and siblings. I think she has some deep down jealousy issues but it's only with the other fk. We are going to have a talk with her tonight and I'm trying to think of some positive ways to address her behavior. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks...

[mommy09]

Her new excuse for saying or doing mean things is saying I'm just kidding" when confronted. I have to keep my eyes and ears open all the time. The minute I walk into the other room she starts antagonizing him. It's so frustrating. She doesn't listen when I tell her to stop.

I discussed her behavior with sw and CASA and now waiting for a phone call from her therapist. I need everyone in her life to help confront this behavior. She's a bully! Any advice!!!!!!!!!!

[mommytoEli]

none. other than consider banning "kidding." our dd used to say this, and we started saying she wasn't allowed to say she was just kidding- it wouldn't exonerate her from what she did. bc honestly, the things she was "just kidding" about weren't funny, they were mean. when she started getting in trouble for her actions/words regardless of whether or not she was "just kidding." the just kidding went away. the behavior....well, we are still working on that. lol. but the just kidding is gone! i think it is still an important step towards accepting responsibilities for your actions.

good luck!

[sunshinemomma]

being mean is always "fun" for the bully.....is it just as "fun" for the other child? To tag on "just kidding" or "only joking" to meanness just doesn't cut it

[amelie38]

I had trouble with my older son bullying my younger son. I put them both in Judo classes (the older one to work out his aggression and the younger one to be able to build confidence). I am not saying Judo is the answer by any means. But they found something they both enjoyed doing... together.
I also got them to play board games and playstation games. Now they get along so much better!
You sound like an amazing person, and because you care enough to work on this, you will get there!

[CaddoRose]

Any child that continues to do something I have told them not to do gets the swiftest punishment possible. I don't know what your discipline methods are, but in my house, the lose privileges first(which can be TV time, toys,etc), then they start to lose their personal possessions. In your case, don't leave her alone with the other children, no matter what for a few days. Make her follow you everywhere. Instead of time out, do time in. Explain to her that the behavior has to stop now and what will happen if she chooses to continue. Make her sit outside the bathroom when you have to go, stay in the kitchen while you cook, or do whatever you have to do. The first time she says anything you think is bullying, then take away her most treasured object. Sometimes it takes a loss of almost everything in order to effect change.

[mommy09]

Make her follow you everywhere. Instead of time out, do time in. Explain to her that the behavior has to stop now and what will happen if she chooses to continue. Make her sit outside the bathroom when you have to go, stay in the kitchen while you cook, or do whatever you have to do.

You would think that this would work as a punishment but it wouldn't in her case. She follows me around all day. She doesn't like to be alone. She wants my constant undivided attention. I can't even go to the bathroom in peace. She wants us to be only HERS- she doesn't wanna share us especially with other fk. She is always trying to make me think the other fs is bad.

[DoYaReallyThink]

Can you try to have some "girl" time with just the two of you? Can you tell her that if her behaviors don't get in the way you will take her to get her nails done and maybe lunch? That way she sees good behavior gets rewarded.

[MamaS]

Could it possibly be more than simple jealousy? If I read it right, she has been with you about three months? You already had a bio-daughter (a baby) and now you have this young foster-son. Maybe she sees him as being a threat to her staying in your home -- you know "when the new kid comes, the old kid has to leave" belief. She is trying to make you believe that the new kid is "bad" so you will get rid of him and not her, maybe?
What about putting special emphasis on "You are the oldest, so you get the privilege of "staying up late, choosing what movie to watch, riding with Mom to the store while Dad watches the kids, whatever"? If she felt secure, the attacks might taper off.

[teacher-mom]

[I have an adopted daughter who used to do the same thing to her younger biological brother. She refused to see it as bullying, even after many discussions. I finally decided to pay her brother at the second it happened with a quarter (bought a roll, put in pocket) and would pull one out and hand to him with the comment, "This is for having to hear something mean about you". After a few days and a special trip to DQ to get a treat with his money, the bullying stopped. Something about watching your victim be rewarded for your nasty behavior was very difficult for her.

[mommy09]

Maybe she sees him as being a threat to her staying in your home -- you know "when the new kid comes, the old kid has to leave" belief. She is trying to make you believe that the new kid is "bad" so you will get rid of him and not her, maybe?

Her jealousy is not so much based on the threat of her leaving rather it is based more on the fear of not being the favorite. I don't play favorites with my kids- positive behavior gets positive attention and negative behavior gets discipline. She came from a abusive (especially sexual) home where the father pit the kids against each other and even against the mother. Everyone fought over being his favorite- it's sick! Then she was moved to a foster home with older fp and was the only fk. They couldn't handle her "high- strongness" - she can be difficult- and was moved to my home. I recognize why she acts like this and I am very careful not to play favorites. I consider it my job to help her get over this because in 6 months she is hopefully gonna be reunited with mom and live with her two brothers. The sw told me she treats them the same way. This is something she is gonna have to overcome.

[mommy09]

Found out from her CASA worker that she is now making up lies about him to people. She told her CASA that he screams all night long and runs throughout the house! So not true- I'm up all night nursing a baby, I would hear. And yesterday when I dropped her off for at her mom's for her weekend visit her brother came up and asked- "So is that the 3 y/o who flipped you off?" I looked at her and she turned red and was all "I never said that". I'm wondering whether I should confront her about it or just let it go and wait for her counselor to call and talk to her. These aren't the only lies she has been telling lately. A few of them have been about me. Her CW told me she doesn't believe her but still it's the fact that she's running around making things up to make herself look better. She gets soo defensive when you confront her about lying and it turns into a huge dramatic display. Kinda hesitant to do it. Any suggestions????????