[jeavesmom]

We signed our Adoption Petition to day both bios have already signed over their rights,wondering How Open is your Adoption,Bio Mom wants to add me as her friend on facebook? Has anybody been that friendly

[CaddoRose]

Our DD is two and we have had her since Jan, got TPR with PMC in March. Dad is also TPR, both voluntarily. DD was never abused or seriously neglected, both parents have reduced IQ. We agreed to four visits a year, regular pics and updates. We use a PO Box. I have set up a completely separate FB account for our DD and only her bioMom and Gmom are friends. I don't think that it would be bad for them to be on my regular FB account, but you never know who they would allow access to and we don't want bioDad knowing anything other than what we send him by post. CW says he is a bit crazy and prone to being angry. He does not live in the same city as BMom either. By having a FB account just for DD, I can put out there what I want them to see. Maybe years down the road I will allow more access, but until I really get to know the family, I want to maintain complete control. I would also like the relationship to be closer, but DD is only two now, so we have time to develop that.

[greenrobin]

Our kids' biomom was involuntarily TPRd, dad signed irrevocable relinquishment. Mom is an addict, has a personality disorder, and is still involved with drugs. Dad is in prison. Grandpa wants visits, but he also has big issues as does great grandmother. The judge ordered no further contact at TPR in March.

We do have access to contact information. We're considering PO Box contact for now. We'll finalize on the 24th. Until mom is clean and sober and the kids have enough time to settle, that's all the contact I'm willing to allow.

I think it's great if you can pull off the openness and feel good about it. Just be aware that what looks good today may change. You'll need to be strong enough to set the boundaries and enforce them if need be.

Good luck!

[athikers]

Our daughter's adoption is extremely open and it has worked well, her biomom lives just down our street... we see her VERY often (though not really "intentionally" (we have 4 visits per year). When we just see her around we don't usually stop to chat, we just say "hi". Some days we can't wait for her to move again... most days its just fine.

Our son's adoption is semi-open (third party contact) and this is what's best for his situation at the moment.

[mylovebug]

Our fs just turned 2 and we have had him since he was 3 months old. She was working a case plan and did weekly visits the whole time. In that time we built somewhat of a relationship and once they surrendered I have still kept it open. I feel like this is best under the circumstances. She too lives 2 streets away from me. I like the openness that we have but at the same time I know to keep my eyes open. My adoptive daughter who is almost 6 was adopted through an agency and they required pictures and letters for 3 years. No identifying info was allowed so I guess it is considered semi open??? Our agency closed and transferred all files to a new agency and they have kept up with the continued cantact of letters and pics. I decided I didn't want to cut them off at 3 years from seeing her pics and getting updates so I just mail them to the new agency and they get it to the family. I can not wait until the day we can reunite and maintain a relationship with them. I have even considered meeting with the grandparents before she is of age. Not ready to meet with the birth mother due to drug use and unstable, but don't want to wait another 12 years to meet the grandparents. I think about what if something happened to one of the grandparents since they are getting older. I would hate to miss the opportunity to let them see her again. Just want to do the right thing. Open adoption can be what you make it. You can give a little or alot but I think each one is different and it is up to you and how you think your family can handle it. I handle the openness better than my husband, if it were up to him we wouldn't do it but he has finally excepted to go along with whatever I decide to do knowing that I have some reservations and know when is enough. Good luck

[jeavesmom]

We know both bio parents ,(They have even lived in our home ,before all this began) I just feel like adding her as a friend on facebook is almost to much at this point .She has moved out of state, we want to keep contact ,How do you explain to a little one as they get older about all this ,the adoption ,the bios ???

[parenting-over-40]

Originally Posted by jeavesmom

We know both bio parents ,(They have even lived in our home ,before all this began) I just feel like adding her as a friend on facebook is almost to much at this point .She has moved out of state, we want to keep contact ,How do you explain to a little one as they get older about all this ,the adoption ,the bios ???

Congratulations on signing the adoption petition. One more big step in the process.

Our adoption is closed per the judge. I had no choice in the matter as the judge terminated both parental rights.

My forever daughter is 20 months old. So, fairly close to your children's ages. There are some books for young ones on adoption. However, I haven't started reading these to my daughter yet. There is a great show called Miss Spider that talks about adoption. We watch that show together periodically. I figure this is a good way to get my daughter exposed to hearing about adoption early on.

My plan is to keep things as simple as possible but to talk about adoption openly. I have a picture of my forever daughter with her birth Mom. It is in a frame in her room. I think it is important for her to know that birth Mom loves her and I try to tell her that often.

[myForeverkids3]

Originally Posted by jeavesmom

We signed our Adoption Petition to day both bios have already signed over their rights,wondering How Open is your Adoption,Bio Mom wants to add me as her friend on facebook? Has anybody been that friendly

If you don't feel comfortable doing it, don't do it! Start out VERY slowly. We have learned the hard way that being overly open right off the bat makes it really hard to scale back later. Fight the guilt feelings and say NO to anything thing that doesn't sit right with you. Your mommy gut is probably right. You have to keep the mind set that ONLY you and dad know what is best for your child.

That said, we are very happy to have open adoptions for all three of our kids, (baby girl- bparents and the older 2- grandparents, brother, aunt and uncle) Our youngest DD sees her bparents 2x a year and we send pics a few times a year through our private adoption agency. This has been more at our comfort level than the situation with our older kids' family. We see their grandparents and brother every 2-4 weeks. The problem is that no matter how often we visit, gma asks for MORE visits. This is what I mean about moving too quickly into complete openness! I gave her our cell #s, mailed her things with our return address and then called her from my home # so she wrote it down off of caller ID. Now she keeps calling and asking for visits after I already said we could not do one this month. I invited them to A t-ball game and they came to EVERY t-ball game! They knew full well when the children were placed with us that we would be under NO obligation to have ANY contact with them at all. Basically, I like that we have open adoptions for our kids sake, I just feel that this one is a little TOO open. I never thought gma would act this way.

[Sdirector]

Ours with our oldest son is closed. It will be closed with our new girl as well.

If you can have an open adoption with clear boundaries and without confusion, and it works for all parties, good. This is not something that would work for us at all given our situation. With abusive parents, even to the point that one has PTSD episodes when they would see the birth mother, it can send a mixed message to children that you will not protect them.

I know that I am in the minority here, but it is my opinion. I am respectful to anyone who choses an open adoption, and can do that without harm to the child(ren). Please be respectful to those who have chosen not to do this for the best interests of their children.

[parenting-over-40]

Originally Posted by myForeverkids3

If you don't feel comfortable doing it, don't do it! Start out VERY slowly. We have learned the hard way that being overly open right off the bat makes it really hard to scale back later. Fight the guilt feelings and say NO to anything thing that doesn't sit right with you. Your mommy gut is probably right. You have to keep the mind set that ONLY you and dad know what is best for your child.

myForeverkids3 - I would appreciate if you could elaborate on what you have learned. If you don't feel comfortable posting here, please PM me.

P.S. - I totally agree with "going with the mommy gut". Every time I go with the mommy gut, I am right.

[CaddoRose]

Originally Posted by Sdirector

Ours with our oldest son is closed. It will be closed with our new girl as well.

If you can have an open adoption with clear boundaries and without confusion, and it works for all parties, good. This is not something that would work for us at all given our situation. With abusive parents, even to the point that one has PTSD episodes when they would see the birth mother, it can send a mixed message to children that you will not protect them.

I know that I am in the minority here, but it is my opinion. I am respectful to anyone who choses an open adoption, and can do that without harm to the child(ren). Please be respectful to those who have chosen not to do this for the best interests of their children.

I don't think you will find that you are in the minority when it comes to adoption from foster care. If my DD had been abused or neglected by her Bio parents, then we would have insisted on a closed adoption for her sake to protect her. Our DD was just extremely lucky all the way around. I couldn't in good conscience have visits with a bio who had done anything damaging to their child.

[diane beth]

We are headed into tpr trial in Oct. This is our first one that we may be able to adopt. I would like to keep it open for the sake of our fd who is now 7 and has lived with her bios for the first 6 yrs. However, bmom is very smothering and I don't think this would be healthy. She loves to buy her love and give LOTS of hugs and kisses to the point where fd tries to get away. I don't think bmom will ever think of herself as not being the Mom.
I thought of making up some rules but then they don't follow rules now so why would they later? Very interesting thread.~di

[sunshinemomma]

I think that we may be in the minority "opening" a closed adoption from foster care. I've written about it in various locations on this board.... so won't repeat all LOL.

In our case it is working out as hoped. Our daughters bDad was abusive but he was also very young and a single parent of 2 kids. He has grown up, he has gotten his life together, he is co-parenting DD's half sister, he has gone to anger management and he has changed from the angry young teenager that he once was.

We try to look at our bio son 15, now almost the same age as bDad when the first baby came along. We would hope that someone could find it in their heart to forgive him if it was him in that situation.

We are taking baby steps and so far it is just my hubby and I that see him and DD has not. But she gets to visit with her paternal bGrampa and half sister.

We are hoping that our daughter can find forgiveness for her birthDad too. We feel strongly that for her at this point {she is 11 and has been with us for 4.5 yrs} it will help in her healing. We also think that she will want to go find bparents someday and it does seem better that she is able to grow up having some of that mystery taken out of the equation as well as our support and very heavy screening while she is still young.

We have also been in a similar situation as MyForeverkids3 in that we had a wide open arrangement with the paternal Gma that became a nightmare and it is very hard to put up those boundaries if you haven't started with them. So go slowly!!

I would say that it depends on each child and bparent situation. Are they safe to be around now? would it help your child in the long run? Would the bfamily member be appropriate? Can you have some very basic limited contact so that you are able to contact when and if you and your child may want it. Would letters and updates hurt you or your child to give that to the bparent? If someone has changed their life around are you able to forgive and teach your child to forgive? Are you able to come from a place of security and generousity or of possessiveness in your role of parent. Remember that changes from early in the adoption to once you feel your child is securely attached. I think these are some of the questions to ask when making the decision about what level of openness but I personally would never want a fully closed, not knowing anything kind of adoption.

SunshineMomma

[jeavesmom]

Everyone has given me alot of different insite ,How do you address the bparents with the kids ,what do they call them ? Our little ones really do not know them so what should or how do I address them to my littl ones?

[Yash]

Originally Posted by jeavesmom

Everyone has given me alot of different insite ,How do you address the bparents with the kids ,what do they call them ? Our little ones really do not know them so what should or how do I address them to my littl ones?

My friend had visits with her birth mom, off and on, until she was adopted at 4. She's always called her birth mom by her first name.

I've seen some people do the Mama or Mommy birth mom's name thing. And some like my friend just do the first name thing.