[excited2adoptsoon]

This is the number one thing I have been struggling with during this entire adoption process. Has anyone made the decision on their own to allow visitation with biomom after adoption was finalized? My baby's biomom wants tons of visitation and I haven't had a real conversation with her about our future intentions (we are unsure of what to do). Our social worker said it's something that is strictly between us since social services ties with biomom is cut...so we are completely responsible for all this (giving answer to bmom since she keeps asking). How often do you allow it, and where do you meet up? How has it gone overall?

Any input is greatly appreciated!

[greenrobin]

Our kids' biomom had her rights involuntarily terminated for lots of reasons. The court issued a no contact order. We got roughly the same answer that you did--it's up to us. Their mom also wants visits.

At this point, I'm saying no.

The kids have all kinds of lovely issues due to the treatment/non-treatment of them in their birth family. And even though they've been living with me for nearly 2 years, those issues and insecurities hop right back to the surface with every contact they have. I know that it's not going to go away, but everyone (us, sws, therapist, p-doc) all feel it would be in the kids' best interest to let them sort of stabilize and gain a deep heart-understanding that they are ours now and nothing is going to change that. In a few years, we might resume VERY limited contact.

But, we are setting up PO box contact from us to her. We'll include pictures and updates.

Part of the problem is that she has made little to no progress with her drug and alcohol issues. She was also facing a criminal trial.

She has such a sweetness about her, but her choices are just bad for the kids.

Now, having blurted all that out, I'd ask you these questions: Are you comfortable with the idea of contact? Do you have a plan in place as to where, when and how often to meet? Who will supervise? Was there abuse or neglect? Have you figured out things like gifts/no gifts? Are grandparents and extended family invited? How about birth father? How many meetings in a year?

I'm sure there are other things that other people will tell you. They're living the choice and have all of the experience. I just have the concerns.

With our kids, the sw said we can either ask for visits in court (because new orders supercede old ones) or do it on our own. Court offers some protection, but it also mandates the visits and forces more legal action to stop them if things become inappropriate. On your own is a bit scarier but a lot more flexible. We want our kids to know that we loved them enough to keep them safe but also enough to let them maintain their first relationships. It's a very hard line to walk.

Good luck in your decision.

[Emmesmom]

I just learned yesterday the C&Y are going to a dependency hearing in December and are moving P's case to the permanancy department. I have lots of questions, but one of them, thinking far into the future is, if she does stay with me, she knows where her family is and still cries for them. I can't imagine her not having contact with them but I also don't want her to yearn for them for the rest of her childhood and teen years. I fear that visiting them will just keep those feelings fresh. Will she ever feel as if this is home?? I too and stuck with the visitation afterwards. She has all the symptoms of stuuggling with attachment disorder. I guess I'm getting scared she might not want to be with me forever.

[CaddoRose]

Both bio's terminated voluntarily but at different times. BioDad got really upset when he found out Mom had relinquished. Our situation is different in that baby(she's 2 yrs old) was not abused or seriously neglected. Both bio's have reduced IQ.

We agreed to 4 visits a year and regular updates with pics and letters. I have a Facebook site for only the bio family to view, a PO BOX and an email specific for them also. We have no visits with bioDad at this time, but maybe in the future.

It depends on the circumstances of removal/termination, but a safe way to communication would be through a PO Box. You control how much you want them to know and it gives you time to figure out if a face to face meeting would be possible, establish your ground rules and how often visits might be. We meet at a McDonalds with a playground because it is so hot outside right now. Later in the year we will meet at a park.

[c.a]

We adopted through foster care as well. We have an open adoption agreement which we all signed prior to mom's voluntary TPR. He was two when we adopted.

We have two visits per year and we send pictures and letters. We have her address, she only knows our post office box number. I agree with CaddoRose that you should start off with a PO Box and establish ground rules.

I have written several posts about our visits. We have had three so far and are due for another next month. The visits have been very smooth.

I also encourage you to ask whether mediation is available in your area. Sometimes having a neutral third person (not social services because it is too loaded for mom) help you negotiate the ground rules can be helpful.

I don't hink htat open adoption is right for every situation, particularly from foster care, but it can work. At least it works for us so far.

Best of luck.

[crazew4girls]

My twin ad have visits with bio family about 4 times a year. We see bg and aunt also there is 2 half sibs that sometimes come. My girls are 5 1/2 and we have had them from the nicu. One likes the visits (which are only an hour 4 x a year...my choice to visit) and one doesn't. I am really doing it for two reasons and maybe they aren't the best . The bg was trying to get the girls,loves them and was devastated when they didn't . My heart aches for them and feel like she should not be punished cause her daughter is an idiot, My kids are latina (Iwe are not) and this gives them a connection to their heritage. Though we live in L A so thats realy not to hard to do with our friends. My second reason is a little more selfish...I feel that if they have contact with their family they won't feel the need to look for whats missing. I don't know if once the gm is out of the pic(gp sometimes comes but he is sole support of his fam and they are raising the 1/2 sibs(one older one younger..dcfs not involved) so he doesn't make it much,) if I will continue. birthmom AND BD are not included. I really feel they had their chance and not only did they not work to ru they walked away. To me that's worse then trying and not mking it. As a mother, though, my heart aches for them whenever I look at the girls cause of what thwey are missing. I have 2 teen bios and would walk through fire for all 4 of my girls...they are the beat of my heart. Sorry so long my kids say I talk too much! Anyway contact can be whatever you want.Ours ius ot a court order,that I would not do. Good luck ,just search your heart ,the answer for your family will come.

[mellaf]

When we were deciding on how much visitation the bios would get post-adoption, we were told there were 2 agencies in our area that offered post-adoption services. The one we went with is great--we met with them already to discuss the rules they have in place. There are rules about gifts (a big issue with us), what can and can't be discussed and they are very strict about behavior. If anyone shows up with even a HINT of being under the influence, they are turned away and letters are sent to the courts AND DCF. If that happens twice, visits are cancelled and we'll have legal standing to close the visitations for good.

[mamachell]

Mellaf,

What type of company/organization offers this type of service and who pays for it? I'm with an FFA so I'm wondering if it's something they can help with. We are going to TPR next month (I hope) and I'm thinking this issue of post-adoption contact will come up.

[Kristin7]

This is a great post. I wonder how many of you that have posted, are relatives that have adopted or going to adopt.

I am in the process of adopting my three nieces....age 3, 10 and 12. The three yr old knows only me...so for her it is a non issue for visits....I do not plan on them at this time. Its the bigger girls that have a history with bio mom.

I have read the replies and agree with everyone. I guess my question is....as a relative(sister)to bio mom.....(and I haven't seen or talked to her the entire time the girls have been in foster care...3 1/2 years now).......should I limit contact too even though she is family?

She is unhealthy...rights were terminated involuntarily and she has done nothing to improve her situation....if anything it is worse than before. She blames it all on me and says I have stolen her children. (I am single with no kids of my own. so i WANTED her kids because I didn't have any of my own) oh BROTHER!!!!!!

Girls havent seen mom since February...and are doing great. They are healing and finding peace and calm in their lives. I do plan on visits sometime in the future...but am not sure how, when/where, how often etc.

I'm especially interested in hearing from the relatives that have adopted.

Thanks so much everyone.

K.

[lakin11]

We are in the situation where bio mom hasn't seen the kids in over 3 1/2 years. The first 2 years of the case was abandonment, the last 1 1/2 yrs, she was not allowed to see them based on court order.

We have now developed a relationship with her but the kids have not yet seen her. We are working on setting something up now.

Honestly, I wish we didn't have an agreement with her, that we could do this as we wanted, when we wanted. We are only obligated to 2 visits per year, but she expects more.

Our biggest problem is that she still sees and thinks of herself as their mother. She knows I'm here too, but in her eyes, I'm just a stand in, NOT their "real" mother. I'm not sure she'll ever accept it and I'm afraid of how that is going to play out in her visits with the kids.

I have no real words of wisdom, but I have learned that NOTHING about this is easy and it is the part of adoption we really hadn't thought much about.

[excited2adoptsoon]

Originally Posted by mellaf

When we were deciding on how much visitation the bios would get post-adoption, we were told there were 2 agencies in our area that offered post-adoption services. The one we went with is great--we met with them already to discuss the rules they have in place. There are rules about gifts (a big issue with us), what can and can't be discussed and they are very strict about behavior. If anyone shows up with even a HINT of being under the influence, they are turned away and letters are sent to the courts AND DCF. If that happens twice, visits are cancelled and we'll have legal standing to close the visitations for good.

This is exactly what I would be looking for - a place that has some type of security (even if it's just a volunteer witness there) in place. I've asked a couple SW's if they have any ideas on a secure place where I could do the visits and I basically got the response that it was all up to me now...they offer no asisstance with that. I'm under the impression they'd rather me stop all visitation. I have one more SW to talk to about this so we'll see how that goes.

You guys all gave great responses...thank you SO much!

[excited2adoptsoon]

That is part of my problem too - the bmom still considers herself the mother and makes references to it all the time even though she didn't have custody of the child - ever! I had child since birth.

And just to clarify, the court is not requiring any visitation or any post adoption agreement from me. This is all 100% my and hubby's decision if we want to extend that priviledge (for lack of better words).

Originally Posted by lakin11

We are in the situation where bio mom hasn't seen the kids in over 3 1/2 years. The first 2 years of the case was abandonment, the last 1 1/2 yrs, she was not allowed to see them based on court order.

We have now developed a relationship with her but the kids have not yet seen her. We are working on setting something up now.

Honestly, I wish we didn't have an agreement with her, that we could do this as we wanted, when we wanted. We are only obligated to 2 visits per year, but she expects more.

Our biggest problem is that she still sees and thinks of herself as their mother. She knows I'm here too, but in her eyes, I'm just a stand in, NOT their "real" mother. I'm not sure she'll ever accept it and I'm afraid of how that is going to play out in her visits with the kids.

I have no real words of wisdom, but I have learned that NOTHING about this is easy and it is the part of adoption we really hadn't thought much about.

[Kristin7]

You've hit the nail on the head.....bio mom sees herself as the mother like I am not even around. Like she has had the girls in her custody all these years and has been a marvelous parent. I have essentially had the big girls 80% of their entire lives and have had the baby since birth right home from hospital. These kids are biologically hers....but that is it.

This is the part I worry about for the visits too.....how she will behave on any visits in the future.

Guess it isn't cut and dry and much more of a tight rope to walk. It won't be easy on any of us.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by Kristin7

This is a great post. I wonder how many of you that have posted, are relatives that have adopted or going to adopt.

I am in the process of adopting my three nieces....age 3, 10 and 12. The three yr old knows only me...so for her it is a non issue for visits....I do not plan on them at this time. Its the bigger girls that have a history with bio mom.

I have read the replies and agree with everyone. I guess my question is....as a relative(sister)to bio mom.....(and I haven't seen or talked to her the entire time the girls have been in foster care...3 1/2 years now).......should I limit contact too even though she is family?

She is unhealthy...rights were terminated involuntarily and she has done nothing to improve her situation....if anything it is worse than before. She blames it all on me and says I have stolen her children. (I am single with no kids of my own. so i WANTED her kids because I didn't have any of my own) oh BROTHER!!!!!!

Girls havent seen mom since February...and are doing great. They are healing and finding peace and calm in their lives. I do plan on visits sometime in the future...but am not sure how, when/where, how often etc.

I'm especially interested in hearing from the relatives that have adopted.

Thanks so much everyone.

K.

Hi Kris!

I am a relative that adopted. We have an ocean and the entire US separating us from the bioparents. That and the time difference has helped a lot.

I see our ds react just when he knows I have talked to his biodad. Ds had a major temper tantrum last night over something very minor-I remembered later I mentioned talking to biodad--

It's hard, because the past is not going to go away. He has memories, lots of memories. Ds still loves them, and they are still so dysfunctional. They can still hurt him--promising presents or phone calls and then it doesn't happen, etc. We protect ds as much as we can, but at some point we all are just going to have to "deal". It is what it is-we are the parents, they are the dysfunctional birth parents, and DS is going to grow up with that. We take it one day at a time, and plan visits carefully.

We've been back twice since the adoption, and had an hour visit with bparents each time. Ds did great at the time. His reactions come later, as he processes memories and emotions.

Use your common sense, and never lose your purpose and place in the child's life--you are the parents.

[mellaf]

I knew of the visitation center we're using because I work in non-profits and was familiar with some of their services, but it was actually suggested to us by Sparkle's SW.

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to name agencies on the board, but look into services for Domestic Violence services--my original thought was to call one of the larger agencies in my area who provide shelter services. I actually called and spoke with someone and struck out, but eventually found a few agencies who provide post-adoption visitation.

Also, you could ask your SW for names of agencies that provide any type of post adoption services.

I'm just happy we were able to find a place that is more strict in what was allowed to happen during visits! It took the pressure off us when writing the open adoption agreement. We had it written in that the visits could only happen at this center, so if they are inappropriate 2x, they are kicked out and we can petition the court to close the visits (leaving update letters and letters to Sparkle intact).

I'm also going to PM you with some more info...