[c.a]

We accepted an eight month old baby girl about 4 weeks ago. She was horribly underweight/undernourished. She is now catching up on weight and her muscle tone is improving tremendously (it is amazing what food can accomplish).

My primary concern now is that she doesn't hug or cuddle. The pediatrician says that she will learn, but I would love any ideas about how to teach her.

We bought a stroller so that she can face us during walks. We use a baby sling and wear her a lot. We do give her tons of hugs and cuddles. Any other ideas??????

[mrstkg1]

You might try swaddling and holding her tight. Even for very short periods, that might help her reset that period of time that was lost to her. Just a thought, don't know much about her situation. Good luck.

[QueenEsther]

c.a., I am so glad to hear that she is making physical progress. When FS came to us about 6 months ago he was 2, delayed physically and developmentally. He would permit touching to take care of him (bath, diaper changes) but was not interested in physical affection. Even teaching him to sit on our laps to read books was tough!

What helped the most (and still does, particularly to calm him down after visits) is wearing him. I wear him on my chest, facing me, so we are tummy to tummy. That got him comfortable with us touching, and also allowed him to look at my lips when I was talking, see how I was forming sounds, and try to imitate them. For us, I really think the face to face interaction helped form a bond. Now he will bring the carrier over to me when he needs to be worn, often when he's just starting to get out of control.

Also, this might take a while - FS has only really begun being physically affectionate and looking for cuddles and hugs, in the past month. It has taken a long time, but the great sloppy kisses are so worth it! Now he plants one on me whenever I lean close to him.

We also model nice touches (stroking, kisses, hugs) on his baby doll and to one another - if I hug my husband, I'll announce that 'Mama hugs Daddy. She loves Daddy', and do the same when I hug FS.

Good luck to you & FD. You are teaching her an important skill.

[shycar]

Something that helped with my ds was for me to lie down with him during nap time. I did not sleep but I would lie down on the bed and lay him really close to me and I play with his hair, touched his face, talked softly to him. I did this until he fell asleep. Then I would move him to his bed. Sometimes I just watched him sleep for awhile snuggled next to me, he was such a beautiful baby. I really enjoyed the that time with him. He is now a loving 7 yr old, who still sneaks in our bed for cuddles.

[sheababy]

Skin to skin contact is supposed to be wonderful for them. I would just put my bare hand or cheek on their chest. I also would pick DD up for hugs and put her arms around my neck while I hugged her.

[RNFosterMom]

We had a similar issue with our FFD, now a 16 month old. She was 8 months old when she arrived and she would not just "be" with us. Rather, she would climb all over us and scream when she was upset and wanted something, but otherwise ignore us. She also would never make eye contact. The main thing we did, in addition to trying some of the things other responders have suggested, was to just be down on her level. We spent most of our time -- for months -- sitting down on the floor. We tried to engage her with toys and songs. We watched Baby Einstein videos with her. A bit later on, we began reading to her and eventually she would come and sit in our laps and let us show her the book and read the story. By the time she left us in June, she loved to sit in our laps, she loved to be read to, she made eye contact, and was a happy, laughing, very attached girl.

[c.a]

These are all great tips - and it is reassuring to hear about your successes.

We bought a stroller that has the option of turning her forward or rear facing so that we can talk to her while we are walking.

QueenEsther - I do like the idea of babywearing. I am using a baby sling, but it is hurting my shoulder (I think I tore a ligament) so I ordered a beco backback wich I can use in front or back.

Shycar - I love your nap routine. It sounds so enjoyable for us as well as for the baby.

Shea - Thanks for the reminder that I need to show her how to hug.

RNFoster - I know what you mean about crawling on you and screaming. SHe won't sit still for reading, but we are doing lots of face to face singing of songs that have had movements (i.e Itsy Bitsy Spider).

Thanks for the tips and the encouragement. She is improving every day. I know we can catch her up. I'm just impatient about it.

I'll keep you all up to date - and keep the ideas flowing.

C

[NoelleSin]

I think somewhere I may have read that it will take equal amount of healthy input time to reverse no input time.

[c.a]

Thanks, Noelle. Your advice helps put my impatience into perspective. It also helps me to relax and focus on the long term work to be done.

Even though she doesn't yet cuddle back, I do love giving her all the hugs and cuddles I can.

[QueenEsther]

c.a., I just bought an Ergo because I couldn't back carries in my mei tai were killing me! It only arrived yesterday, but I have found the forums at the Babywearer.com (can I put that link in here?) to be very helpful for troubleshooting issues. FS loves front carries to calm down, but back carries to see what we're doing - it really depends on his emotional state.

[chevyjewel]

My last infant placement started like that. She was 6 months old at the time and became stiff as a board whenever I'd touch her.

I started slow using my legs lol.

When I'd feed her I'd sit cross legged and set her in my lap. My legs cradled her but not to the extent my arms did and she seemed much more comfortable with that as opposed to holding her tightly to my body. Over time she got used to being in the vicinity of a body while being fed (it was speculated she was fed in an infant seat 24/7 with bottle propped and she sure had the mis-shaped and back balded head to back that up). From there I started loosely holding her with my arms while on the couch so she could still stretch out a little. I'd give her a little squeeze hug every now and again until she finally let me hold her. When she started walking and would get hurt same thing. I'd open my arms, initiate a short hug and back rub and then I'd back off. Pushing the issue seemed to make her more resistant.

Rocking during the process helped, I think because it took her mind off the fact that she was being held so intimately.

For some desensitization is the answer instead of full on baby wearing right off the bat. Worked great in her situation. By the time she hit a year old she LOVED to be cradled and snuggled and started initiating being held and loved.

Best of luck to you!

[parenting-over-40]

Are you familiar with Baby Massage? My agency offers the class. However, you might be able to find a class at a local hospital. The class will probably be B.Y.O.B (Bring Your Own Baby). They will teach you right there how to massage and bond with your baby. You will actually get to massage your baby in the class. How cool is that? Total hands on situation if it is taught by the right person. Massage is great for bonding.

By the way, if you have a baby with gas issues (like my little Angel) or stiff arms & legs (I think someone mentioned that), massage is good for these things too.

So glad your little girl has made progress in the first 4 weeks of being with you. That says a lot about you being an Awesome Foster Parent. Keep up the great work. You are on the right track.

[takingtheplunge]

I've had my baby since birth, and she is not much of a cuddler. It saddens me and sometimes I think that it's something I've done. I always held her while feeding as a baby. I always tried to cuddler her. But I did not sleep with her for fear of smothering.
Yet, I've had people tell me their kids were the same way. I don't know how true that is. Often when she signals to be picked up, she will cuddle and hug, and then she wants the remote control in back of us! We noticed she comes to the parent who has a cell phone or remote on them more often. Hum . . . and when playing on the ground with her, she will crawl in our laps to read a book, but then bolt after two pages. If she hugs and kisses us, it's brief. Then she blows "farts" on our arm and laughs. She's definitely a happy baby and likes us. When feeding her, she will often want to feed us back. She loves us. She smiles at us. She will give kisses, but she rarely want to cuddle for more than two minutes. The plus side is that it's easy to put her to bed ????

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by takingtheplunge

I've had my baby since birth, and she is not much of a cuddler. It saddens me and sometimes I think that it's something I've done. I always held her while feeding as a baby. I always tried to cuddler her. But I did not sleep with her for fear of smothering.
Yet, I've had people tell me their kids were the same way. I don't know how true that is. Often when she signals to be picked up, she will cuddle and hug, and then she wants the remote control in back of us! We noticed she comes to the parent who has a cell phone or remote on them more often. Hum . . . and when playing on the ground with her, she will crawl in our laps to read a book, but then bolt after two pages. If she hugs and kisses us, it's brief. Then she blows "farts" on our arm and laughs. She's definitely a happy baby and likes us. When feeding her, she will often want to feed us back. She loves us. She smiles at us. She will give kisses, but she rarely want to cuddle for more than two minutes. The plus side is that it's easy to put her to bed ????

I've been thinking along these lines while reading this thread. Neither of my two bio daughters were cuddly AT ALL once they got mobile. I used to joke that I liked it when they were sick because then I could cuddle them, since they didn't have much energy! I'd say this was from the time they were a few months old until late into toddlerhood. They always wanted to be on the go and doing something, so who had time to cuddle? The GOOD news is that they both became MUCH more snuggly once they got through that phase - as pre-schoolers they were very happy to curl up and snuggle over a book or whatever - and remain very physically affectionate and huggy at ages 11 and 16. I do think there is a big difference between this, or what another poster mentioned about a baby getting "as stiff as a board" when held. That second situation sounds more like fear (and obviously needs intervention and re-teaching), while I think the first is well within the range of normal development. I'm not sure which kind of reaction the original poster is getting.

[parenting-over-40]

"stiff as a board" could be fear as stevenstwin mentions. Or, I have seen it in babies who where exposed to drugs in utero and children with cerebral palsy.