[thelowlanders]

Is this Ok? Seems like I've heard people talk in here about children who call you "mom" too early is a sign of RAD. Is this correct?

We went to a visit w/her Biomom, half sis, and uncle from another state and cw too. She proceeded to introduce me as her "mom" and introduced bmom by first name. eek... Flattered but put bmom on edge of course.

She also has made clear she really doesn't like the whole "foster" title. So I have just "claimed" her when we run into people we have known and they ask about our kids. I say "well, our oldest is 15, son is 9, 5, and baby is 4 months" It's fun to see people's wheels turning as they look at my husband and I. I would've had her when I was 13 if she was my bio

Anyway, hoping this isn't a bad sign. Maybe we can just take it as a good sign that she's adjusting. She apparantly feels comfortable w/us already. She didn't want us to leave at mhlth appts, or her visit w/bmom...

[Kat-L]

It sounds like she introduced you as "mom" to hurt her mother. And it sounds like she succeeded.

[RavenSong]

Having been in her shoes a long, long time ago, I have to agree with Kat-L. She wanted to hurt her mom...and she succeeded. Teenagers, you have to love 'em -- or wring their necks, lol.

[thelowlanders]

I know. her mom came from out of state to see her, and she's basically said I don't want to visit you. The cw says she came all the way here to see you. And she says, I never asked her to come. Whew...

But I can't help but agree w/her feelings. her mom left her at 18mo old w/and abusive father for the last 13 years. I'd be beyond mad too. Not sure if that's forgiveable in my book. But I of course am staying neutral in this and supporting her either way.

[thelowlanders]

BTW- She also introduces me as her "Mom" or us as her "Parents" to her friends, Docs, and family. Is this too quick or is she looking for something solid in her life?

[Jensboys]

We had a 14 year old foster daughter (I posted about this somewhere else recently ... dont remember where) and she was ADAMANT that as FEW people as possible know her as a foster child. I too was only 14 years older than her -- but she wanted EVERYONE to assume I was her mom. More than ANYTHING she hated being a "foster kid" and just wanted to be viewed as normal by her peers and professionals. It didnt mean she loved me and in fact we battled hard for a long time, but I was better than nothing, and it was better to pretend I was a "real mom" than her "foster mom".

I would imagine it has far more to do with her own feelings about being in foster care and anger at her bio mom than a true attachment to you -- however saying that, I dont think there is anything wrong with you having this discussion with her. Letting her know that you understand those feelings, that you support htem, and that you do view her as a daughter if she is willing to view you as one of her moms

[thelowlanders]

Thank you. Well put and always needed insight everyone.

[bluebonnet_72]

My two oldest, age 10 when she came home, quickly started introducing me as "Mom" but she didn't call me that for a long time. She didn't want other kids to know she was adopted so she would refer to me as "my Mom" but call me by my name we talking to me. It was about not being different, and had nothing to do with attachment.
My middle daughter, age 5 when she came home, immediately called me mom. For her, it was about having her own family. She would say, "I'm not a foster kid anymore, I'm B.'s kid." Indiscriminate attachment probably was part of it, but it was mostly about not being a foster child. She had lived in a family where a distinction was made between "the foster kids" and "K's kids." So, it was important to her that she wasn't a "foster kid" anymore.
I'm guessing refering to you as mom doesn't have anything to do with her relationship with you and is about some other need. Either to hurt bio. mom, state a claim that she belongs to your family, or to just feel like a regular kid.

[greenmama]

I think I would be concerned. At her age, the desire to call someone mom so quickly just seems strange. Even our 9 year old, who desperately wanted a family and parents to call his own, did not call us mom and dad until we had been visiting for a couple of months and he was spending nearly every day with us. He was an adoptive placement...so it was for real and foreverl

[sergekel]

I agree with everything everyone else said and I'd also add that I'd mention it to your FD's therapist so s/he can be aware.

You sound like you are meeting a great need in this girl's life. Way to go! I love your heart for her and your sensitivity to her needs.

[Lorraine123]

I would be concerned. For healthy kids, "mom" is a special title. To use it so indiscrimanantly, signifies that it doesn't have a real meaning. It may be nothing, but it also could mean a lot. Be cautious.

[stevenstwin]

Austin referred to me in the third person as his "mom" right from the start - but mostly for simplicity, and not to get into the whole foster-parent thing. As soon as you say "this is my foster mom" you get the "awe..not sure what to say" reaction; but "I'll have to ask my mom" is easy. On the other hand, he didn't actually CALL me mom until much, much later, and then only infrequently. So, if her main context is just to avoid questions and sympathetic looks, I don't think it is all that odd. By the way - in order to be honest but not get into the foster thing, here is how I'd introduce him to acquaintances "This is Austin. He's staying with us for a awhile". No one asked for detail, and I think many thought he was a visitin nephew or similar.

[evillemomndad]

I was a foster child and called my foster mom "mom" as to avoid embarrasment from other children/people. I did this when talking to other people about her, but called her by name when talking to her.

Is this a possibility for her as well?

[tylind23]

My foster son was 10 when he came to me. It only took him a few days to start calling me "mom" to other people. It was just to avoid the embarrassment as some others have stated. It first started when he began making friends with other kids in the neighborhood. It was easier for him to say "I have to ask my mom if I can come to your house" than explaining the whole foster care thing. Then he started calling me "mom" when his friends were around, and in no time at all, he was calling me "mom" all the time. This all happened within about a week of moving in. BUT --- he was only with me for a few months before being moved to a relative placement and I was beginning to have strong concerns that he may have had RAD. I actually was concerned that my newer placement might be RAD and was doing some research at the time. I found a checklist of symptoms and was very surprised to see that my foster son met almost every criteria. I had never put two and two together before that and considered that his behaviors may have been related to an attachment disorder. I voiced my concerns to casework, GAL, and relative in the hopes that maybe he would get the help he needed to work through his issues. Hopefully he did.

[AmahMama]

I have had short term fk's for several years and my daughter has had longer term fk's for years. Mine call me amah - or amahmama- that's what my grandkids call me (amah). It is a title. No more, no less. I don't read anything more into it. My daughter's fk's call then Mom or Mom ?? and Dad or Dad??. I have never, nor has she ever, introduced a child as a "Foster" anything. This violates their confidence and lables the child as less than a guest (like a boarder or paying guest) in our homes. This is a personal decision that was brought up during my one of my first training classes. While I ususally have infants or toddlers - my daughter has older children. They call them the same as their kids do. It is just 'easier' as so many other posters have said. Foster kids have such termoil and stress going on - the label they give thier caregivers is not usually a bit deal to them. "You call her amah - ok - that's what I'll call her too". Even my daughters fk's call me amah. but then again - so do a lot of the neighbors kids....

In the case of the original poster - I also think it may have been to hurt bio. Or as a barrier tactic. Kind of like 'you weren't around - you haven't done any care - this person deserves the title more than you do' type of insulation. Poor child - she probably feels like she needs lots of insulation from this person who abandoned her to a less than nice life.

I have never read anything into the 'titles' we have - other than - I'm from the south - no toddler 50 + years younger than I - is going to be calling me by my first name... LOL