[potentialsinglemom]

My baby's mama went on and on about how she wants Muscles home for his first birthday. I guess she told everyone that she would have him back by then. She says her friends and family are calling her and asking her when and where his party is going to be. She claims her friends are stock-piling clothing for him. Someone purchased five pairs for name brand shoes for him, etc, etc, etc.

Since she was told Muscles was not going to be in her custody by his birthday, she started trying to work on me during Muscles' doctor visit.

I have no inclination to have a birthday party for HER and her crew. I will take some cupcakes and ice cream to the daycare so the children there can celebrate with him.

Has anyone else had the bioparents to request you have a birthday party for their children?

[iammykidsmom]

Um, NO! But I did have a party for our foster child. It was a second birthday and we had just our family and some people from the agency, very small though. I wanted the child to have a party but we didn't invite the bios. The bios didn't even remember he had a birthday.

[takingtheplunge]

Originally Posted by potentialsinglemom

I have no inclination to have a birthday party for HER and her crew. I will take some cupcakes and ice cream to the daycare so the children there can celebrate with him.

Has anyone else had the bioparents to request you have a birthday party for their children?

I am not in that position, but I know other fos/adpt parents that had big birthday parties for their foster kids. They did not invite the b-parents (too creepy).

I hate that in email, so much tone is lost. But it sounds as if you are saying that you will have his day care celebrate his b-day w/o you. Although it's not your day of birth w/ him, it's a special day and worthy of some family time IMHO. And since you are the only family he knows, why not celebrate it over dinner or something. Then you can just tell the mama that you are celebrating with close family. If she wants, she can forward presents and you will take pics of him opening them. It's got to be hard on her and you. By having a small celebration and photographing it for her, it might help you all and give the little one some memories. It's just a suggestion.

[Newshyde]

The BioM of my FS requested that she have a chucky cheese party for him and wanted me to supervise. She is not allowed to have unsupervised visits although I did supervise a visit during the Christmas party at her rehab, although that was different.
She wanted me to invite his friends from school and church to attend to throw him the party. The CW told her she would think about it and thankfully didn't give me a chance to give her a responce, but BioM was getting arrested for minor stuff on a pretty regular basis and is doing terrible on her case plan. When she didn't show up at the last court date the CW said no way. FS had been trying to get me to invite his mom to our little party in the park that was to happen a few days after his birth day but CW said no on that one as well.
His bday was Thursday, visit on Friday, party on Saturday. BioM ended up not showing to his visit. I'm really glad nobody gave into her request. She's obviously not doing well and would have been unpredictable at a party. His BioD sent him one unwrapped present. He turned 5 and is very aware that something is wrong and that I'm not telling him everything. He really misses his mom and wanted her there. I really felt bad for him, but knew it was not in anybody's best interest to have her there or let her "host" a party.
His sister will turn one in less than a month. They haven't said a word about her party or her birthday. They will have a visit the day before her birthday. I'm hoping that will be good enough. I wouldn't give in to a request for her birthday either.

In your case, PotentialSingleMom, I don't know if I would even believe the story about the crew of people buying loads of new clothes for Muscles. But then again, I'm used to dealing with very manipulative parents and if they said that it would be an alarm for me.

Let her send some presents, you can take pictures, or she can do her own little party for him during a visit. I wouldn't throw a party for a Bioparent unless we were really close to RU and I had established a trusting relationship.

[CRAZY_WOMAN]

I diffidently would try to set up something with the mom and and her baby on his birthday,Even if they have a small party at the visiting office or where ever she's allowed to have him.I would also make sure I took pics of the birthday party.I can't imagine missing my child's first birthday or any birthday for that matter,I would be crushed.I give her credit for even asking,Because sure many want to,But fear they may be told no.But a child's 1st birthday usually huge deal for most moms.

[missymissus]

My fd's parents requested a visit on her birthday that ended up not happening (there's another thread on that).

We had a big party for her and the parents have the ability to throw a little party for her during the normal visit. If they choose not to, well thats their choice.

[ladyjubilee]

Originally Posted by takingtheplunge

I am not in that position, but I know other fos/adpt parents that had big birthday parties for their foster kids. They did not invite the b-parents (too creepy).

Well, I guess I'm in the opposite side....I wanted to invite Little Guy's family to his birthday party. Unfortunately, the social worker who is authorized to supervise couldn't be there.....though if it had worked out I would have had it further from my home.

[potentialsinglemom]

Originally Posted by takingtheplunge

I hate that in email, so much tone is lost. But it sounds as if you are saying that you will have his day care celebrate his b-day w/o you.

Ummm, your assumption is incorrect. Have a nice day.

[Pursuingmydream]

I certainly would not do this for her, I think that it would be a unsafe situation for you. I am not saying that this happens alot but I have had to sneak out the back of the CPS building to keep bio parents from following me home. I would advise her that she can have a belated birthday/ welcome home party when they are reunited.

[greenrobin]

Can we say manipulation?

I know that most of the moms and dads love their kids and want to be with them on special days. But, that does not preclude them from playing the guilt card whenever they think it might work.

Sounds like mom has been telling folks she knows one thing and doing.......well maybe not much of another.

The bottom line is that she made choices that resulted in her child being removed from her. She must now prove that she is capable to parent in a safe and nurturing manner. And although I truly am sorry, just because you might want something does not mean you can have it.

If it is truly important to her, she will work out something--get permission to have a small party at McD's (not to start that health debate again!) or even at the visit center. The baby is 1. He won't remember a go-zillion people were at his party. First birthday parties are for the parents, not the kids IMO.

And Newshyde, we have a boy, 5, and his sister,3. Their birthdays are 45 days apart. So, in the middle, when the visit occurred, the family gave him a bunch of gifts and her a couple. The same thing happened at Christmas. He got something like 23 and she got 9.

One of those things that make you go hmmmmmm.

We always celebrate with the kids in our house, but we never have invited the bios. It's been a safety issue. I can't say we never will, but so far, no go.

While I have compassion for the families, their situations, and their feelings, I have no compunctions about the birthday thing, Thanksgiving, or even Christmas. The courts or sws decide when and if visits occur. My job is to just try to make sure that kid has the best darn time possible under the circumstances.

[irelady10]

I do not think it is your responsibility, potentialsinglemom, to include biomom in your birthday celebration for Muscles. I don't know if this would even be allowed or safe. She can have a little party for him at a visit, and maybe even arrange a visit on the day of his birthday.

I agree with greenrobin- this mom made choices that resulted in her child being removed; you can empathize that spending his 1st birthday apart from her will be painful, its not your repsonsiblity to include her or her friends in your celebration plans.

Also, I learned the HARD way to take everything the bios say with a "grain of salt". So, she may not have that pile of clothes or those shoes she is telling you about.

BTW- Happy birthday, Muscles!

[blubutterflies03]

I have been asked and just last week. Alley Baby will be 2 this Saturday. Her parents have asked prior to that about the b/d party plans. They asked us if they could "
drop in" if we were having a party and I told them that was not up to us, but the social worker. They asked the social worker if they could see their daughter on her actual b/d (their visit day is the day before). She said no, if you want to celebrate, come to the visit the day before and celebrate.

We are having a little party for her, and we did invite her uncle and half sister (who are allowed). We will take pictures and give them a copy. They have not earned the privelege to even go to McDonalds or pizza place in public even for a supervised visit yet.

[mamachell]

Our fd just turned one last month. We had a monitor take her to her birthmom's house for an hour visit on her bday. She usually has monitored visits only at the DCFS office. I was really worried but she's so young and it was a short amount of time that in the end, I'm glad the birthmom will have that experience even if my fd won't remember it. Luckily, we were having her party the next weekend so it didn't interfere with any of our party plans.

I wouldn't give a party for bios to come to but I would try to arrange a visit on that day if it weren't too dangerous and cw agreed to have it monitored.

[potentialsinglemom]

The safety issue is my biggest concern. I imagined the scenario of her bringing her CREW to the party and acting out.

As far as I am concerned, if the cw wants to supervise whatever the mom wants to plan and pay for, she is quite welcome...Just leave me out of the equation.