[thelowlanders]

Am I forgetting anything? What's you main ones?

Also, am I supposed to check up on what's in her cell phone? I feel really disrespectful asking for it... but remember CW mentioning some issue w/previous fps..

[jbee]

ours are
be respectful
follow directions
no physical agression
clean up after yourself
respect personal belongings
be responsible for yourself

one of our fs could handle his phone, he paid for it, stayed out of trouble, used it in moderation.
the latest one was on it, i swear, 10 hours a day. he was supposed to turn it in at 10 every night, and did for awhile. it got to be an issue, so we talked to the agency worker and he had gma shut it off, dad took the phone to keep while on visit.
i would say make rules as to how it is to be used, how long, etc. and if they are violated it goes. our fs was so addicted he almost became violent when asked to surrender it at first. his attitude had completely changed after he got it several months into staying here. he is now back to normal. does she have a job or some good reason to have one? some fp here just don't allow them in their house, period. like a video game or internet, you know? it is a privledge. but i don't know what rules your agency has...

[greenrobin]

I am very, very leary of cell phones.

C was the only teen I fostered, back when I was not quite so savvy. She asked if she could use the cell and I, being the kind soul I am, said sure.

She was using it to contact an adult boyfriend and plot. I intercepted it, told the young man that I was "that woman" that he was texting about and that if he contacted her again I would take up the conversation with the police since they'd been involved a few months ago.

He kept right on calling. Her mom would phone in, I'd put C on the phone here and then mom would put him on the phone there.

It did not end well. Like I said, they were plotting.

So, I would definitely say watch the cell closely.

And, depending upon the temperment and history of the kid, I might add the no sex while you're here rule.

Just sayin'

[fostapeepz]

I do not allow cell phones in my home that are not on my plan. If they are on my plan, I can turn off texting if I want - I can check what calls are being made, etc... Even if a kid lets you look through their phone, they know how to delete messages and logs.

I also monitored internet usage. I required all passwords (facebook, email etc...) - or no access.

Here is a copy and paste of what we had:

We will treat each other with respect
We will treat each others things with respect (no touching without permission)
We will always listen, so talk to us if you are having a problem or even if you don’t agree with us.
No boys in your room
No touching/smooching in front of the younger kids (handholding ok)
No smoking, drinking alcoholic beverages, or illegal drug use
No phone/chat/internet/socializing after hours unless pre-approved – phones will remain outside the bedroom
Your whereabouts must be known at all times
You must attend school and are not permitted to skip. The consequence for skipping is an automatic 2 weekends (here) of no social activities.
No one in the house when there are no adults present without permission

below that we listed consequences for not following the rules - and below that we had the 'social schedule' (what times TV, computer, phone calls and other non-school activities were permitted) and 'chore schedule' (daily, weekly, monthly).

[rm2000hg]

What sort of consequences do you have for teens?
I am afraid to foster older children because although I am good with younger kids, I am afraid that I would be unable to enforce anything with older kids and they would end up out of control.

[fostapeepz]

our consequences were:

No chat/email
No phone (to friends)
Extra Chores
No weekend activities (not including visitation)
No allowance (only for monetary related issues)


We live in the country - so a weekend here, with no phone priveledges, no computer or game machines, and extra chores. In a teenagers world it's torture!

[stevenstwin]

Ours was RAD, so any consequence that required him to co-operate was a no-go (so no extra chores and such). Also, we were not allowed to ever with-hold his allowance. We found it most effective to take things away - find what matters most to them, and you have your currency. With ours, it was with-holding TV and video games. Cell phone, though - he bought his with his own money and paid for it himself, so his Social Worker told us we couldn't touch it. I don't think that is right - but that is what we were told.

[thelowlanders]

Oh my....

I can't imagine taking away ...the phone. I think she would die Don't want to yet. She's very respectful so far about listening and getting off phone when it's rude to talk. With out me even saying anything too.

[NewMamaLotsaLove]

GreenRobin, I'm curious as to how exactly you enforce the "no sex rule"? I don't mean this disrespectfully, just genuinely curious. We currently have a newborn but we've said that we will take her teen and tween siblings if they come into care. This thread is exactly what has been on my mind the last week- thanks!

[greenrobin]

Well, I limited her contact with boys in general, made sure that we had line of sight on her at all times other than when sleeping, and was a general pain. I didn't worry about her sneaking off at school because I teach where she went. At night she was on a rather good dose of Seroquel and it knocked her right out.

I also stayed right by her while on the computer. When she went shopping, I drove and accompanied her. I did not allow dating--she was 14. I supervised all of her visits, went to every volleyball game she played in and all of the football games she went to. The only party she went to was a 5th quarter party at a preacher's house, and I was there, too. About the only time I didn't have eyes on her was when she was at youth group and then our youth pastor had her in sight at all times.

It was not easy. She did not like it. She eventually made up a load of hooey about our oldest son molesting her--a ploy she uses whenever she needs to get out of something--like a foster home.

She left my home almost 3 years ago and went back to her mom.

I saw her in March of this year. She looked to be about 6 or 7 months pregnant. She was with her mom who uses C's beauty as a kind of currency. It's easier than trying to be her mom, I guess. It made me sad.

[stevenstwin]

I also wanted to say that you really have to adapt this to the needs of the specific teen. Greenrobin's rules sound Draconian to me, but I trust she had good reasons for them. My FS, who we had when he was 14, 15, and 16 had a LOT more freedom because he never tried to abuse it. He was very good about letting us know who he was with, what he was doing, and being home when he said. (it wasn't until AFTER he was living on his own that he went completely wild ;-) But certainly no issues of that sort while he was with us). HIS issues were rages at family members, fighting in school, and being addicted to movies and video games.

[greenrobin]

LOL, Stevenstwin!

C came out of a psychiatric facility. She was a cutter. She'd been admitted for this behavior in response to her former foster mom calling the police when she showed up at home--remember, 14--with her panties in her pocket, clinging to her 19 yr old boyfriend. There was apparently surveillance video of the parking lot where they'd been getting busy. Caught on video!

Then, the police warned the young man that he should have no further contact with C--who, by the way, had spent her 7th grade year living as his wife in his parents' home. She had been "given" to him by her mother in exchange for them allowing C and her family to stay with them.

Yep. Draconian.

Her psychiatrist, who was also my son's, was in full agreement--as was the cw--that this child be watched closely to allow her the time needed to break free of this entire family.

[stevenstwin]

Funny, I never considered A. "easy" before, but at least I never had to deal with all that stuff!

Originally Posted by greenrobin

LOL, Stevenstwin!

C came out of a psychiatric facility. She was a cutter. She'd been admitted for this behavior in response to her former foster mom calling the police when she showed up at home--remember, 14--with her panties in her pocket, clinging to her 19 yr old boyfriend. There was apparently surveillance video of the parking lot where they'd been getting busy. Caught on video!

Then, the police warned the young man that he should have no further contact with C--who, by the way, had spent her 7th grade year living as his wife in his parents' home. She had been "given" to him by her mother in exchange for them allowing C and her family to stay with them.

Yep. Draconian.

Her psychiatrist, who was also my son's, was in full agreement--as was the cw--that this child be watched closely to allow her the time needed to break free of this entire family.

[greenrobin]

well, at least that's something positive that came out of that particular experience!

So much of what we feel or believe is a matter of perception. As funny as it sounds, after the next set of kids we fostered, C actually looked like a cakewalk!

[thelowlanders]

Yikes Never saw this one coming so fast. So we have to be ready for the whole "big talk" like my dad did with my bfriends. I really hope we like him.....