[YaYaPow]

For those of you who have fostered and teen mom and her baby, how much care of the infant did you expect from the teen? I was placed with a 3 month old baby girl on Tuesday and was asked if I would take the mom on Friday. We said we would until mom's hearing on Tuesday and we will see how things go from there because the could go to a relative at that time. I am not sure what we will do if they do not go to relative, I usually do not foster teenagers. Any advice on how to handle teen mom, what to expect of her and what type of rules? (btw- she left her plate on the table this morning after breakfast, my husband removed it for her. she also did not make her bed)
Thanks in advance, YaYa

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by YaYaPow

For those of you who have fostered and teen mom and her baby, how much care of the infant did you expect from the teen? I was placed with a 3 month old baby girl on Tuesday and was asked if I would take the mom on Friday. We said we would until mom's hearing on Tuesday and we will see how things go from there because the could go to a relative at that time. I am not sure what we will do if they do not go to relative, I usually do not foster teenagers. Any advice on how to handle teen mom, what to expect of her and what type of rules? (btw- she left her plate on the table this morning after breakfast, my husband removed it for her. she also did not make her bed)
Thanks in advance, YaYa

You've got two different questions in here, so I'll start with the easy one:
- rules should be the same as for any other kid you'd foster. Make it clear - write them out - what her responsibilities are, like clearing her plates and making her bed. For our teen boy, things we had to make "rules" about were - no phone calls after 10:00, no video games or tv after 11:00, no food in your room, call before you bring friends over, shower every day, and your chores are unloading the dishwasher, shoveling the sidewalk, and taking out the garbage. He also made dinner one night a week, but that was mostly so I could teach him to cook, and an enjoyable thing to do together rather than a chore. Some rules are basic, others end up being adapted depending on what the kid is like!
#2 - She SHOULD be responsible for 100% of the care of her own child, but most teen moms need a lot of help and mentoring with that. You may need to model appropriate care for her, and will probably need to remind her often of what she needs to do. From what I've heard from others, she might be better with basic necesisities like feeding and changing, but then be really bad about not playing or interacting at other times. Your job here is to teach her to be a good mom and not bail her out or enable her, but of course you are also ultimately responsible for making sure the baby is safe and cared for. It is a fine line to walk and I'm sure can be tough, but for those who've done it, they say it can be immensely rewarding!

[Withay]

While I've not fostered a teen with baby this is what I would expect.

...how much care of the infant did you expect from the teen?

She is the baby's mom and thus is responsible for all care of the child outside of the time she is in school. She is responsible for changing, feeding, taking to dr appts, WIC appts, playing with, working with on developmental skills (ie: eye contact, holding toys, rolling over, etc). If she wants to go out with friends after school and on weekends she is responsible for finding appropriate childcare and paying for such.

Yes, I agree with stevenstwin that you will need to mentor and teach her many things about being a mother. While they are in your home you are ultimately responsible for the health and wellbeing of the baby, but I wouldn't let her use that as leverage to get you to take over the care of the child.

...what to expect of her and what type of rules?

I would expect of her the same as any other person living in your home: respect, honesty and chores. Chores at my home would include housekeeping of her and baby's room(s). She would be responsible for picking up her possessions, making her bed, making baby's crib, sweeping/vacuming. If she has her own bathroom she would be responsible for keeping it clean: scrubbing bath/shower/toilet/sink, sweeping/moping floor, cleaning window sill, cleaning mirror and making sure that her possessions are put away every day. She would also be required to help out with the general household chores, perhaps loading and unloading the dishwasher, setting the table for dinner, general kitchen cleanup after dinner. You might want to do the pots and pans by hand at the sink so you could be in the kitchen at the same time for some 'girl-talk' and mentoring. Have her help you with making dinner or treats occasionally - cookies, pie, cake. That is a great learning and bonding time. If she uses dishes/utensils during the evening and on weekends while watching tv or a movie she is responsible for taking care of them when finished.

It is far easier to start out stricter and ease up than the other way around. Good luck.

[thelowlanders]

We have been available for this fostering situation.

We were curious how it works as far as baby expenditures. We want her to learn and grow from her new responsibility. How are the diapers, clothes, etc. paid for. Do you give allowance per chores? I don't want them to work I don't think. Because they're gone all day at school and need to come home and bond with baby.

[MommyAlysia]

Thinking "aloud" shouldn't FM be mostly responsible for the baby since it is her FC? She is getting a stipend for the baby after all. Its a genuine question I don't know the right answer to or what policy is in these situations. I don't necessarily personally feel that FM should be 100% responsible but I would assume that they would be. I have read here about other cases where FP had a teen mom as a FC but baby was NOT a FC, therefore teen(mom) was 100% responsible for baby.


ETA regarding the other question, make sure the teen clearly knows all of the rules you expect her to follow, I like PP suggestion of writing them down and also letting her know the consequences upfront for not following them.

[thelowlanders]

See...that's what's confusing. Are we FP to teen. or teen and baby? How does this all work? Guess I have lots of questions for them...

[greenmama]

Since the baby came to you first, she is your responsibility. She was removed from the mom for a reason. I think it is reasonable to expect her to help with the baby...but that baby is ultimately YOUR responsibility.

[hrisme]

I've mentored teens with infants, a few in the system, and tried to set up a program for them (failed due to lack of funding, big surprise). The girls I was working with went to a school for young parents so they had child care available during the day, I would watch the infants once per week so they could go out (reasonable hours) & other times as needed for appointments, job hunting, etc. anything that was leading to increased independence. Typically the girls were encouraged not to work when attending school, they wanted them to be able to focus on their studies and their babies. While they were with the infants they were responsible for basic care (feeding, changing, etc) unless otherwise occupied with homework or such. We also did a lot of side by side interactions, with me playing with the infant & mom watching, then visa versa, to help them develop the interactive skills.

If you are receiving a stipend for the infant forumula, diapers, etc. should be coming out of that stipend, just as they would for any other infant you are fostering. If you receive a stipend for mom as well (you should!) the money she receives will probably depend on your county--some require the child be given a certain amount of "allowance" each month. This should cover all personal needs outside of the basics (food, general toiletries, required clothing purchases, etc). I would suggest taking mom shopping with you whenever possible so she gets a feel for what the expenses really are.

As for rules & such, I'm with the others. Start with higher expectations & adjust them as needed. You may have to play it by ear until you determine how much she can handle, You don't want to require too much of her (too many moms burn out within that first year & that basically destroys any chance of mother/infant bonding), but she does need to take responsibility where she can.

[thelowlanders]

Ok. So they will still help with baby's needs also. good.

We have a baby right now (4mo) and have been told it would be great to have a teen mom here w/her baby. So as like mentioned, there is alot of side by side interactions. She could learn by actions the caring of babies. We would love to help her gain independence and education for the future in many areas.

[Chancey]

Originally Posted by greenmama

Since the baby came to you first, she is your responsibility. She was removed from the mom for a reason. I think it is reasonable to expect her to help with the baby...but that baby is ultimately YOUR responsibility.

I have to totally disagree with this statement that the foster family is completely responsible for the baby. So, by the foster mom taking total care of the baby you are allowing this teen completely off the hook! If CPS had wanted the foster family to completely care for the baby then they would have placed the teen in another home. By placing the teen in the home with the baby, then my belief is that CPS is trying to facilitate the means to teach the mom responsibility -- that is done by making her responsible for the baby. The foster family should monitor it and of course provide the needed necessities as they would any other foster child. But, the feeding, diapering, soothing, interaction, bathing, etc should be done by the mom.

I can't imagine me caring for a child while a teen lazed around and did nothing to help!

[fostapeepz]

I agree completely. I've been asked to help 'mentor' bioparents before. It is my understand that part of our job is not only to care for the children, but also to assist bio-parents in learning how to meet their childrens needs. I have given lists of the childrens routines, and any tips that I've learned for things like baths or other general care. Biomom still chose to do things her way (she loathed being told what to do), but that was her choice.

If I had a teen and her baby - I would have the teen by my side helping me with all the things necessary to care for the baby - including laundry, making dinner, cleaning up after dinner etc...

[stevenstwin]

Oh, yes - I suppose there is a BIG distinction to be made here. In most cases if a teenage girl is in foster care and has a baby, that baby is NOT a foster child, even though its mother is! In a case where the baby is in care separately, I suppose the situation would be quite different. Wish Sissy was here to tell us how they are funded...I do know a woman from another board who has fostered several teen moms. She gets board rate for the girls, but doesn't get ANYTHING for their babies..the girls themselves are expected to apply for funding from DCFS to pay for the needs of the baby.

[YaYaPow]

Thanks all for your replies, I did get ther baby 1st because the Grandma went to jail and the mom was listed as a runaway ( I Think), she went to the ydc but was released on Friday, she stated she wanted to be with the baby, We only agreed for a period of time to see how it goes. I get board rates for both but just feel mom should learn how to take care of her baby as much as possible, she asked to be placed with her, so she should expect to do some of the parenting. btw she got out of bed 11:25 this morning and still have not made her bed.

[thelowlanders]

Not cool...

Put your rules in to place You can do it

BTW- When did her baby get up? That is her own personal "alarm clock" for the mornings. Does baby sleep in her room?

[YaYaPow]

Just moved baby in her room last night, so I had her on Friday night. She had the baby in there, but baby never slept that late with me. I think she just gave her a paci. to keep her in bed. I can't wait till Tuesday when mom has court. As I am writing this she is lying on the sofa with the baby in the family room. You would think she had enough rest. Not sure if I need to move baby out of there, but the baby will be going to daycare on Monday so I won't have that to worry about again.