[elk134]

We started pre-placement visits with 13 yo twins-boy and girl. We had one day long visit. It went pretty well. We just had an overnight visit this past weekend. It went okay. The kids are very well-behaved and polite. From what the FM and SW say, these kids are great. No behavior issues, no educational issues, very smart kids. My DH and 16yo bio son say they like them. I am now getting very scared and wonder if we made the right decision. I have no idea why either. I am the one who "pushed" for these kids in the first place when their initial profile was forwarded to us. I am having some second thoughts and regrets about the whole situation. I know its early, but I am scared to death we will not bond, that I will feel like I am babysitting for the next 5 or so years. I am worried about how our family dynamics will change. DH and I can just "get up and go" when we want as our bio son is old enough to leave on his own. I know this is all things I should have thought about long, long ago... and I thought I had. But now reality is setting in and I am just not sure if I can do this. Really, I want to not go forward right now. I was even feeling sick to my stomach and losing sleep over it. I have told DH my feelings and he has said, "Oh it will be fine," and that was it. I would feel awful and soooo guilty telling SW that I am having second thoughts as the kids haven't even moved in with us yet, and they already have had one disrupted adoptive placement (they were with them a year and a half) and I know this would hurt them. What I can't understand is that from the time we were initially getting licensed I was so excited and was so sure I wanted to do this, and now I am feeling like this. I know there children's lives at stake here. Has anyone else had these feelings and how did you handle them or deal with them? At this point should I just "shut up, deal with it" and move forward?

[mrstkg1]

You know yourself. Do you constantly do this? I know I do, I think I want something and then when it seems I'm going to get what I want, then I start to get second thoughts and want to back out. I think it is just part of being human. My husband on the other hand, once a path is chosen, he is full steam ahead. Maybe your husband just understands that you second guess everything. If that's the case, I would move ahead. If that's not the case and you rarely second guess your decisions once they are made, then you might want to rethink this, your gut might be telling you this is a mistake.

Take care.

[shavon]

I think it is normal to get "cold feet". I have a little girl that we are adopting and there are times I think to my self that I am crazy for even doing this.

My huge concern at the moment is that her 1/2 brother will be RUd soon. she didnt even know him until I took her as a pre adoptive placement. Now she and he are so close, it is going to break both their hearts when he is not here every day

Soooo I wonder every day if I did the right thing by taking her.. when I took her we all assumed that her 1/2 brother would eventually be available for adoption and they could be raised together. Now we know that they wont and it hurts bad...

Follow your heart...If you dont think you are the right family for them then be up front and honest with your case worker..if you dont take them I am sure their forever family will be found...

[Kat-L]

If the kids have no severe issues, why did the other adoptive home disrupt after 1.5 year? Could it be that you are picking up on things during the visit that weren't disclosed to you?

[laceyc]

I know biological children are not the same as adopting but I know when I got pg with my BD I some of those "oh crap what did I get myself into" moments. I think it's pretty natural to have a little fear with that big of a life change.

[Lorraine123]

I know its early, but I am scared to death we will not bond, that I will feel like I am babysitting for the next 5 or so years.

If you are not ok with feeling like the babysitter, then I suggest you not move forward. Why were they disrupted from a prior placement? I would wonder if there is something going on that will prohibit bonding and you feel it. It is better for these kids if you stop the process now, as opposed to disrupting later. Think long and hard about it. There is no guarantee that you will bond and that is hard. I am my daughter's babysitter, therapist, teacher, psychiatrist, but not her mom, in her eyes. So, I know how it feels. Think about your gut and try to figure out why and make the decision based on that.

[ladyjubilee]

Sounds like normal "first two weeks" placement feelings to me. Could be there are behavioral issues......Or it could just be that you're normal and having those normal "what was I thinking" thoughts. This is a change, change is scary. Personally, I'd keep telling myself to hold on, hold on---assuming there aren't major behavior issues it will get better as it starts to feel "normal".

[lovemy6]

I would recommend that you not ignore your feelings. They're there for a reason.

It's hard to imagine that another family disrupted after 1 1/2 years for no reason. Something is going on that you're not being told and you're probably picking up on it.

My dd was 10 when we got her. Her brother was 12. She didn't bond with me for the first 5 1/2 years and then only after intensive attachment therapy. It's hard when a kid pushes you away and is just counting the days until she can leave and go to her "real" mother.

Listen to your gut! Slow down the process if you need to.

[timleenettesue]

My first thought was - Why did the other family back out?

That being said, we have been the other family that backed out. We had a placement for almost two years and planned on adopting him. As hard as we tried he did not fit in our family. BUT, he has since been adopted (by the placement after ours), and he is doing GREAT!! So just because someone else backed out does not mean it was the children's fault.

We have since adopted four other children, giving us a total of seven. I think I ask myself daily now "what have you done?". But I love them all very much and we are very commited to them.

My only other question would be, have you prayed about it?

[HOPEFULINPA]

Could your cold feet and hesitation now have anything to do with the sibling set that is available for adoption now? If you have your heart set on those 3, it will be hard to bond with the new 2.

[elk134]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. The other adoption disrupted due to a divorce of the other family. Apparently there was some sort of "custody" battle over the kids, even though the kids were not even technically/legally theirs yet. I guess it got pretty ugly, and the kids were just removed. The other adoption never finalized because TPR had not yet happened, and still has not happened. The hearing for that is in September. It is a contested TPR, but TPR has already happened on another sibling from this mom, so CW thinks it will more than likely happen, but of course, not guaranteed. After thinking it over, it may be due in part to having the other sibling group that used to be placed with us on my mind, not sure. We are going on vacation next week and are taking the kids. After vacation they are going back to their foster home for a few days for "processing time" the CW called it. They are supposed to move in with us on Aug. 10th. I am hoping it is just "cold feet" and things will get better. It may seem kind of "backwards," but DH is now sooo excited about these kids as is bioson. So I am just going to see how next week goes. Thank you everyone!!!! I love this forum!

[ksmarch4]

I was thinking the same as hopefulinpa. I think you do have the other 3 children on your mind. Didn't you say that you had really liked the idea of adopting the 3 younger children but DH was not on board? You are probably still grieving that loss and are trying to deal with teenagers now. That is a lot of change.

I hope vacation goes well and that you no longer have second thoughts after it. :-)

[elk134]

We went on vacation last week and took the kids with us. Honestly, I wasn't really wanting to at first. I was ready to tell the CW and everyone else on the team that we had changed our minds. But I didn't and the kids came along. DH said wait until after vacation and then we can decide. Well, I am glad I did wait. Vacation went well. There were some quirks and there were a couple of times they drove me crazy in the back seat, but I guess whose kids don't drive them crazy driving half way across the country. But by the end of the week, I was feeling better about the situation. I still freak out at moments, but now I just would not have the guts to call the CW and say I changed my mind like I was ready to do two weeks ago. I am even to the point that I think the kids just might like us too. An example- We were at Mt. Rushmore, and after taking pictures we were on our way back to the car. J & C were walking together behind us as they tended to do, but then J left C, came up to me and said, "You know, I have only ever seen that in books. It is neat to see it in real life. This is pretty cool." Then she walked back with me (not her brother) all the way back to the car, and I thought, "Yeah, this is pretty cool." That did it for me. I knew we would be keeping these kids.

Also, the kids have to go back to their former FP today for one last weekend. Final move is Monday. C is ready to stay here. We were getting laundry finished to take back to other FP and C said, "Do we really have to go back?" I said "Yes, just for one more weekend, then you get to come back and stay." (Other FP's want to take the kids to an amusement park as a goodbye party) He asked when was the soonest he could come back and I told him Monday, and he said, "Oh, that's like a long time away." So I am pretty sure the kids will settle in okay.

I am a little worried, this is going too easy though. I mean, these are teenagers. I was expecting defiance and attitude. (They have been in the system for over four years, I would think that would make some kids pretty bitter.) I have seen neither. These kids seem to want to please. It's odd. But hopefully, they will get some finality (is that a word?) soon. TPR hearing is set for end of September. Hopefully that goes through and we can move on.

DH and I had a long talk. He pointed out that we worked too hard and for too long to get to this point. And if I had wanted a bigger family for so long, then I should at least wait a while before I give up what we have now. And he's probably right.

[timleenettesue]

That is so wonderful that everything is working out!!!! Keep us updated on your families progress.
God bless!!!

[thelowlanders]

Congratulations on taking the step to a big family! I think it's always said that there's never a perfect time to have a baby, so probably never a perfect time to expand you family right? Just do it

My boys 9&5 have been at g-ma's for 2 days. I'm left w/a teen and my baby. It's just not busy enough here! I never would've thought I'd feel that way