[stilldeciding]

We got a foster placement last week and are having major issues with this child...DH and I want him placed with someone else as our current kids are beyond stressed out. If they refuse to find him a new home....what else can we do? Do we HAVE to keep him 30 days? What will happen to us IF we CAN'T keep him? We are all walking on egg shells and this child is taking over EVERY aspect of our life. We know we are not cut out for this..and want the best for this child. We KNOW we will never foster again...as it's not right for us and not fair to a child who comes here...so that part of things...we DO know. But we have asked them to place him with someone else and they keep almost demanding we HAVE to keep him....It's not that he's a bad child..but something is obviously wrong with him and we are not capable of dealing with it....thanks!

[thelowlanders]

Do you have a Foster Parent Association there? They would be able to help. At least they have for us here when it seemed no one would listen. They made things happen and knew who, higher up the ladder to speak to.

I'm sure a CASA would be interested in this. Because the best interest of the child is priority, and staying in a home where it's just not a match is unacceptable on the Office workers part.

I would say, maybe, don't give up quite yet if it's your first placement. Try again as each child is different. Or perhaps another way of helping would suit you better. Like being a CASA or visit supervisor, etc....

Keep us posted.

[CaddoRose]

You don't have to keep him. There are a lot of questions I would have about his behavior and whether they knew of his problems and put him with you anyway, or if he has been in care before, etc. Some kids come into the system as feral children. They have never had any discipline ever and can seem to be completely out of control. Age has a lot to do with it also. What do you think is wrong with him? If you give us some details about what the behaviors are, then maybe we can help you deal with them. Some behaviors are so extreme that you may not be trained to help him and you could then use that info to get him moved to a home that can help him.

The first few weeks can be really hard. If your CW is not taking you seriously, then talk to the supervisor or the next person up. Somebody needs to listen and soon. As a last resort, you could take him to the CPS office and leave him with the CW, but I would only do this if you felt your family was in physical danger.

[DianeS]

No, they cannot MAKE you keep a child in your home.

That said, there are appropriate and inappropriate ways of ending a placement in spite of the worker's wishes.

One appropriate thing to do is write an e-mail to your worker (and her supervisor if you possibly can) informing them they have X number of days to find the child a new placement. (Ideally, X will be the same number of days they told you in training that it would take to find a new home - usually 14 or 30 days. But if it isn't, then it isn't. )

If you already told your worker to find another home for the child, consider that Day 1 of the X days, and send an e-mail to your worker (and supervisor) saying On July 1 I informed you that the child would need a new foster home as I could no longer handle his behaviors. This is your reminder that you have 22 days left of that 30 day notice (or whatever dates and numbers apply).

It is appropriate to call to remind your worker of either of those e-mails if you haven't heard back in 2-3 days. After all, you really do mean it.

If there is a safety issue, it is appropriate to call the police or ambulance and have the child taken to a more safe and secure area. This can be done if the child threatens suicide, threatens to kill another person. (within reason and ability of course, they won't take a 2 year old for screaming I'm gonna kill you, but they will take a 10 year old who says I'm going to take a knife and cut out your heart while you sleep.) They may take a child who insists on running away. They are likely to take a child who is in a rage and destroying your property (within reason and ability, again, they wont' take a 2 year old who broke his toys, they are likely to take a 10 year old who put a chair through a window or who threw your plates against a wall).

It is also appropriate to inform a slacking worker that if she has not found a new foster placement for the child by the time your notice runs out, you will be bringing him and his belongings to the office and dropping him off.

It's also appropriate to ask for respite care in the meantime. If you automatically get respite care as part of being a foster parent, you were probably told this. Some places get as much as 14 days a year, others get 2 or 3 but anything helps. You can certainly tell your worker that you must use respite care starting this weekend (or whenever). But realize you may be the one who has to find someone to provide the respite care, so this may not work for you.

Caseworkers are known for being stubborn when they want to be. If they're pushing you this hard to keep the child, then they already know he isn't an easy placement. Just push back. Especially since you don't want to foster again (and I assume that means you also don't want to adopt from foster care), you have nothing to lose by being a brick wall and insisting on having the child removed. You have to mean what you say, and back it up, and remind them. Don't be intimidated, and don't let them talk you into anything you don't want to do. Just keep repeating that the child must be moved in X days.

Hang in there! I hope you found something in this post to help you.

[stilldeciding]

Thanks for the support! I am hoping things become clearer soon with this child. Right now, I want to pull my hair out. I live with 2 very mild, extremely well-behaved bio boys and now I feel like I have added a 3rd Jeckel and Hyde. It is nuts to say the least! If this child would stay the sweet child he is, then I may feel different. But he is so moody that our life is 100% controlled by him. Our kids are so stressed and we just want our life back. I feel so bad for feeling that way, because honestly we all like him and have attached to him, and he to us. But we all don't know how much more that we can take. We just want to adopt or get pregnant...we want something more concrete and know that the effort we put in will result in our family being complete. DH and I knew we shouldn't have fostered at all..and this confirms it. I just want our CW to find a different home as after this experience...DH and I are now favoring me getting pregnant again. As at least we know we will end up with a child that we can keep. I know this child deserves a chance and will require so much re-learning that I am exhausted just thinking about it and then in the end...all that effort and he will most likely RU with his b-parents. I feel like I am being bullied into keeping him by our CW...bu then again...I DID sign up for this...so I have no one to blame but myself! I KNOW I could deal with this child BUT with 2 other kids...it's affecting them badly! I pray to God that his will, will be revealed...as...I am just so tired!

[thelowlanders]

I understand where that comes from. I hope I don't get flamed, but I have those feelings some times. We want to possibly adopt in the future. We know it's likely for the kids to usually be RU when fostering. But sometimes it's hard to see them creating such chaos in our family, all to just go back. it feels more "worth it" if they are staying forever, to share that time from our Bio children. We're still working out how we feel about this. We also want to help and provide a home for a season for these kids that are likely to go back. Perhaps build them up and make them stronger people to survive the environment they're going back to. Lots to think about....

[stilldeciding]

I am so with you. I was afraid to post this for fear of being flamed too. I don't regret doing this as far as adopting...still would love to do that. But as far as fostering..we never were in it for that. But because we have been waiting since November of 2008 and no match yet through straight adoption and DH's impending 40th b-day. We felt like we needed to try something as time is running out for us to ttc IF this avenue doesn't work out. We also feel like all the energy we are putting into this, then to just send this child back. Not that this child is not worth it...because he so is...but I have such guilt taking time away from my other kids who need me. Plus they feel like our life right now is all about this new child, and though they understand why...still kids will get jealous, which is to be expected. I just feel bad about the whole situation. I KNOW now how comfortable I'd be with adopting if we actually could find a match. But now with this situation...I feel like we have ruined our relationship with our agency. WE should have stood our ground and just kept to adoption only. I am trying now to look at things..like you are...that we are giving this boy childhood memories and a whole lot of love. But it's still hard for me to think..hey come live with us..we will spoil you and love you...and you will be stressed out and tantrum at times...then finally attach to us and now...Goodbye. I find foster families to be awesome in my mind, especially to think how much they give and give and then the child leaves. It takes a strong person with great character to do that. For me and DH, with 2 kids already...we just can't do this long term without affecting our boys in the long run. I just long for us as a family to be complete and to not have to live day to day wondering. And the worse thing is this...though our new foster son is disrupting our once peaceful life..if I knew he COULD stay for sure....I could feel different. My heart is open to this child..but my mind says...I need him to go. I so know God has a plan...but frankly..right now...I just want to complete our family and go back to "regular" life. Some sense of normalcy sounds good right now!

[thelowlanders]

One big thing Fostering our very hard Fd taught us...

We appreciate the simple things in life that you just don't notice before experiences with her.

For example, I can get up to a fresh new morning and enjoy it. Not go down and clean the daily, horrifyingly unmentionable mess she created all over her bed and walls just about every day. Or the constant manipulating. We can enjoy being a family, and not feel the pull of someone constantly trying to split us up. Not happy to just be included. But wanting us just to herself. Going for a walk as a family in peace now. Eating dinner with out being punished by FD's bodily functions. So many things we used to take for granted. So that...I can thank her for.

BTW: we've been told MOST Fchildren are not like this. We just got a crash course in the Worst case scenario

[stilldeciding]

I know for us...I have always appreciated my kids..the peace in our family...the great and wonderful hubby I have...we have always had such a great love in our family and to have this new child here...his sadness and his trauma has rocked our calm family to the core. We wanted to adopt because we felt one person was still missing from our family and because we have an open heart and love to give to another child.No matter HOW they get here. But I never anticipated just how sad we'd all feel, especially our boys about this child. We all have such compassion and want to help him..but selfishly now after the fact...want to wish back our old "perfect" life. And that feels horrible. It's not that we have no place for this child..but before he got here...we so appreciated our life and felt blessed. Now we still feel blessed...we really like this child..but so miss the happiness our home used to feel like. I know it will return BUT to think if we DID keep him..how long would that take. This child so likes us and we never expected to like him this fast...but the chaos he brings...the stress...it is all too much. My kids are stressed out and DH and I feel a bit trapped. We just think..if we get pregnant...there is no S/W, no hoping, no waiting..no paperwork..we would have a child we could keep...not a child with a huge list of hurts.

[thelowlanders]

Hmmm. Sounds like you love him already. Maybe you need a family meeting. Talk about if you want to stick it out for him. The sacrifices you may have to make. etc. Don't make any hasty decisions.

When our FD left, we were ready. Really ready. Sounds like you still have a heart for him to be there.

Sleep on it tonight. Find respite so you can have a family meeting. And pray, meditate, do whatever you do and find your answers. Thinking of you....

[joskimo]

In our state we can give notice on a child, look it up in your parent handbook or as the other poster suggested, contact your resource agency. Put the notice in writing. You do not have to maintain an unhealthy relationship, it's not good for you, your other kids, or the foster child in question either.

[Prettyboicris]

In my state you can give " 10 day notice" which means if you want the child placed in another home you give them notice and they have up to 10 days to move the child. If the child has harmed another child or attempted to harm another child in the home then 10 day notice is not required and immediate removal can be requested. I know other states have something similar but the days can vary from 10days to about 30 days.

Regarding wantign to adopt. My wife and I went back and forth on the Fostering issue and we decided that we would go the straight adopt route with foster care. Right now the wait is really getting to us but then we remind ourselves that we are doing what is right for us and ultimately kids in care because if we can't deal with certain aspects of fostering then it wouldnt be good for the child. I say all that to say that if you have really tried and given all you can and your family needs for this child to go it will be sade BUT sometimes it may be what is best. I don't know all the details of the situation obviously but you shouldn't feel prisoner in your home and all of the children in your home need safety and security and if ones issues are taking away from the others so much that it could trigger them in some way then I feel that is highly problematic. It does sound like you guys are invested in him emotionally. Maybe it is just the stress of it all and respite might help? Again I don't know all the detail but I wish you and your family all the best.

[peregrinerose]

Originally Posted by stilldeciding

I know for us...I have always appreciated my kids..the peace in our family...the great and wonderful hubby I have...we have always had such a great love in our family and to have this new child here...his sadness and his trauma has rocked our calm family to the core. We wanted to adopt because we felt one person was still missing from our family and because we have an open heart and love to give to another child.No matter HOW they get here. But I never anticipated just how sad we'd all feel, especially our boys about this child. We all have such compassion and want to help him..but selfishly now after the fact...want to wish back our old "perfect" life. And that feels horrible. It's not that we have no place for this child..but before he got here...we so appreciated our life and felt blessed. Now we still feel blessed...we really like this child..but so miss the happiness our home used to feel like. I know it will return BUT to think if we DID keep him..how long would that take. This child so likes us and we never expected to like him this fast...but the chaos he brings...the stress...it is all too much. My kids are stressed out and DH and I feel a bit trapped. We just think..if we get pregnant...there is no S/W, no hoping, no waiting..no paperwork..we would have a child we could keep...not a child with a huge list of hurts.

I've read a LOT of your posts, and please don't take what I'm saying as a flame... it's not. You sound like a genuinely good family with good hearts that wants to help kids. However, you also sound like a family that just can't make a solid, 100%, full-time, unconditional commitment to a child that isn't biologically yours. This isn't a bad thing or good thing, just how you come across through your very uncertain, waffling posts.

Kids in the foster care system need foster or adoptive parents that stand by them unconditionally, that will work with them and all of their quirks. Our son, for example, has been through a LOT of foster homes, some were wonderful, others just couldn't handle a kid with problems. End result is a kid who has no idea how to have long term relationship of any kind, either friendship or parental. He has no idea how to trust. He has no idea how to feel safe. He's had four failed adoption attempts, not because the homes were bad, but because they were like you... good people that in theory wanted to help, but in practice just couldn't make that final commitment.

If it's not in your family to be foster/adoptive parents, that's ok, but it's important that you realize that and step back in the best interests of the kids if you truly can't make that 100% commitment to a child with issues (and they all have some degree of issues!)

Also keep in mind that not foster/adopting doesn't mean you can't make a difference for a kid... have you considered volunteering at a group home? Becomming a CASA volunteer? Be a Big Brother/Big Sister? Be a mentor to kids in a residential facility? There are lots of opportunities for you to make a huge difference in the life of a kid in foster care that don't require the full-time committment that being a foster/adoptive parent does.

It's frustrating to me, as an adoptive parent, to hear the fear in my son's voice and the heartbreak he's been through those few times he really does open up. It kills me to see his pain, those rare times he shows it. I bawled my eyes out over reading his profile.... one adoptive placement had him removed after one month solely because he 'didn't open up' to the adoptive dad in that time. The 'dad' didn't even tell our son he was being removed... he found out when the case worker showed up at the home to take him away.


Kids deserve the very best we can all, as people can give them. It's up to us to figure out in what way our skills and talents can best serve the kids and that 'best' isn't the same for everyone. It could be financially supporting a foster care agency, volunteering, foster/adopting, etc.

[thelowlanders]

I can see where you're coming from.

Do you think that maybe certain issues the children have fit better w/some families than others though?
For example, our family can work with a "rager" but we would prefer to never again work w/ a child that uses bodily functions to try and control us. But other families have told us that they would take on a FD like the one we had. But would never want to work with certain other issues we've dealt with in others.

We may start fostering again in August. But as soon as I see a urine puddle or feces smeared on the walls, to be honest, I'm making the call. We worked w/FD for 9 long months. As long as the stress of the visits are there, she will continually act out in this interesting way. Another family may be cut out for that issue, where we would take the children others would not prefer. I feel like in the time we had her and tried to "stick it out", another family could have been working with her. And we could have had a better fit in our home all the wile.

We have only been fostering for a year. So this is honestly a question not an argument. We're really trying to figure things out. The Fost Prnt. Assc Pres. has really encouraged us to try again and insists that most are not like our experience.

[peregrinerose]

Of course some kids just don't fit in some families. But it doesn't sound like the OPs FS has any major acting out issues, moodiness, in the grand scheme of behavioral problems is pretty minor. If you read her posts, they are full of indecision, even long before this placement. Her ideal child is just like the sons she already has and there's not a lot of room for kids with issues of any kind, her expectations are a little unrealistic. My response was to her specifically more than in general.


It's important for a family to know what they can and can't handle.... we are similar to you... we can deal well with anger, aggression, screaming, etc. We are not equipped to deal with animal abuse or promiscuity/sexual acting out for example, and went about our search accordingly.

Since we're dealing only with teenagers, it kills me to see children in the system from an early age and going through 30 placements/homes through no real fault of their own. Our son was removed for being a 3 year old that had temper tantrums, for being a toddler that was 'too active', for not 'opening up fast enough', for fighting with foster brothers, for not bonding with foster/adoptive fathers fast enough, for punching a window, and a host of other fairly benign issues. Instead of being taught how to deal with conflict or anger, 'the system' only fed into his behaviors. It's not healthy for any child to be moved around as much as he has over the years.... and unfortunately his case is the norm, not the exception, at least among teens in the system.