[jeni-b]

I might ramble a bit here, because my thoughts are so all over the place, so I apologize in advance.

We got our first placement about 9 months ago. It was supposed to be a relatively short stay with RU in about 3 months. Things started well and it looked like there would be no problems with the caseplan, then it fell to pieces.
Throughout this I have remained guarded, fully expecting the kids to RU. They are great kids and we do adore them, but there has always been that wall protecting our hearts from fully falling head over heels, ya know.
So not long ago we were told that they are filing for PC and that no suitable family was found willing to take the kids --- do we want to adopt.
I was not prepared for is, as much as we had started talking about the possibility, I was thrown for a loop. Well, initially we thought absolutely, why not - but it isn't that cut and dry. Once we started looking at everything, and really laying it all on the table, we just don't know. We weren't prepared for our 1st case to lead to adoption.
I can't even go over all the emotions and issues we are weighing, but they range from behavioral issues, severe delays, bioparent problems that could pose a safety threat, and on and on.

How do The kids are thriving, they fit nicely in our family, they are adorable, they'd have to make another adjustment if they left and that is more trauma, they are pretty attached...
When I look at it from a practical standpoint, we'd say no. -- safety threat, developemental/emotional issues we feel inadequate in handling (but we are now with progress happening), it would limit us alot in who we'd foster in the future...
Who wins?

[mommy2fiveplus]

in the end, you will have to make the decision that is best for your family.

However, you should know that ANY (foster, birth, adoptive)parent who is raising children with developmental delays feels inadequate at times. There is no such thing as an expert parent of developmental delays, there are only experienced parents of children with developmental delays. And if you have been parenting these children for awhile you are well on your way to becoming one of those parents. If you are already seeing progress, it is likely that it may continue and improve. We got my son when he was 13 mos old. He was extremely developmentally delayed, they had little optimism about his future. He is now nearly normal. He actually excels above his peers in all sports and is capable of taking care of his own daily needs. The only thing he may continue to struggle with is acedemics and we have slowly learned the ropes of the educational system, I feel sometimes like I have no idea what I am doing but then I think of a friend who has a bio child with similar issues, she is just as in the dark as I am. What everyone saw at 13 mos is not the child we have at age 7.

The same has been said of our now 21 mos old. He was born with all kinds of low expectations due to drug exposure. He started out with some issues that required attention and that predicted future issues. He has now completely caught up and it is presumed he will grow without any further issues. We may face things in the future but for now he is a happy, healthy and developmentally normal little guy.

As far as the behavioral aspects that is something only you can assess. I know we have had a few that I fell in love with but would not have been able to cope with for the next 18 years if they had gone to TPR. But then we also had one that I thought that about and later realized that we had been coping well and when RU occurred I realized we had all learned how to handle it and would have continued to be fine if he had stayed.

I hope that you find your way through this. The answer has to work for the family and the kids it can not be mutually exclusive in benefitting just one group or in the end the whole family will suffer.

[mommytoEli]

we adopted our first placement. many time i think we moved too fast. we were young, there were lots of issues....i believe naivety led us to say yes so quickly. in the end...we are all alive and growing. sometimes i tell the kids casa (she's still in their lives) that i think they would have been better off with a more experienced family, older parents, but she cried and said we were the best family she could have hoped for ...for them. i still waiver. i'm not always sure i did the best by them....but at the time, i made the best decision i could. i think that is all you can do. i did think it would limit who we could foster/adopt in the future due to their issues, but we've had only slight problems with new placements, and nothing terribly detrimental. in the end, we are just a chaotic crazy family doing the best we can. i have no other advice other than to say do what you think is right by all, and then don't look back.

[rachelpass]

hi, i too am adopting my 1st and 2nd placements. once i was done with my fostering classes, and approved i immediately got placement of a 3 year old little girl, then took placement two months later with her newborn sister. the girls were reunified with birthmom just 8 months after the baby was born, as the cabinet thought they would and Reunification was always the plan. However, one late night just 5 weeks after reunification the came back into care, and have remained with me now eversince. The mom got a second chance to work another plan, and then less than 4 months after they were back in care, she just vanished.. it was bizzare and lots of emotions ran wild.. As you can imagine the kids were very confused.. However now, they are proceeding with the TPR and i will be adopting both girls. It is a very lengthy process, but i could not imagine ever losing these girls again. It is ok to say yes to adopting your 1st placements if that is in the "Child's best interest" and in your heart... God Bless...

[birdiebabee]

TPR trial starts in less than a week and lasts for almost a month for our first placements. If TPR is granted we are their adoptive placement. We were first placed with the now 2 and 3 year old. Two months later we were placed with their 4 year old brother. We are 90% sure we are soon to be placed with their 1 year old sister. We said yes right away when we were asked if we would adopt. We then thought about it and still decided to say yes. ALL of the children are delayed (one severely). We deal with ADHD, behavioral issues, a genetic disorder that may be debilitating, breathing issues, feeding issues, learning disabilities and so on. We know that if we do adopt them we have a VERY long and hard road ahead of us BUT we love these children as if they were our own. We know that if we do adopt we will have to take a break from fostering for a while as we will have our hands full. We are ready for the challenge. The kids need us! That's what made us decide to say yes.

[ScrapMonkey]

We adopted our first placement, an angry raging biting hitting RAD 2.5 year old boy. It was ROUGH but he is now our (usually) sweet, obediant, helpful, loving 5.75 year old. We are so blessed. A year after his placement we got the call for our 3rd placement, his newborn bio half sibling. Doubly blessed.

[cabbagepatchkid]

Originally Posted by mommytoEli

i think they would have been better off with a more experienced family, older parents, but she cried and said we were the best family she could have hoped for ...for them. i still waiver. i'm not always sure i did the best by them....but at the time, i made the best decision i could.

My situation was just the opposite!! I was 49 yrs old when I got my my first placements, a brother and sister ages 2-1/2 yrs and 13 mo old. Their bio mother passed away after they had been with me for almost a year so they were coming up for adoption. I adopted them but sometimes I still wonder if they would have been better off with a younger mother, someone with lots more energy. They are now 8 & 7 yrs old and we are doing just fine. The oldest one still has some temper management problems but one of my own kids had the same kind of temper so I am experienced with that.

My only advice is that you shouldn't make any hurried decisions. Take your time and think things through, thoroughly. It is a big commitment. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[punchkin]

Hi, may i join in. We adopted our first placement as well. She had a lot of issues, such as stroke in utro, she had 3 brain, cysts, n on and on. We were more than willing and ready to take on the responsibilty head on. There were times when i just wanted to cry as I too wondered if I had done right by my child. Now looking at her almost 6 years later, I can't help but say Thank you Jesus for choosing me to take care of one of your littlest angels. The fight has been so worth it. now there are no more problems to speak of and she is in a gifted program. Best wishes to you n your family in whatever you choose to do, as only you know what you are cable of, or willing to go thru. Good luck