[denham]

I would really like to hear from some of you who felt at one point that fostering/adopting was not right for you. We have only reached our 4th day together and I wonder if I am not cut out for this. My dh and I have no children. I know that I am used to having my own space and time and this has a lot to do with how I am feeling. Of course what I am used to changed the minute we brought home our 3 year old FD.
I guess I am just trying to figure out whether what i am feeling is normal. Did any of you feel like giving up that first week with your first placement? How did you work through this and what do you suggest? I chose to keep her with me the first few days so that there would not be too much to get used to right away. on Monday I am putting her in daycare a few hours each day until she is used to going every day. She was in daycare fulltime before we got her. She has already met grandparents who love her and I have a ton of support from friends and family. i am also still very close to her previous foster mom - she is wealth of information.
Is his normal? Or am I supposed to be feeling full of love and joy right now?

[BethUtah]

There is a lot to get used to when your first placement arrives, especially if you don't already have kids. For me, the first days and weeks can feel more like a job than a family, but it always gets better. It takes time for the child to love you, and time for you to love the child as well.

Take care of yourself first because this child can't bond to a stressed, unhappy parent. Then try to see what activities you and your FD enjoy doing together. If you can find things you both enjoy doing like swimming, reading, or art projects, then the two of you will begin to build positive memories together and to associate your time together with good feelings.

Good luck!

[greenrobin]

Yep, felt like giving up and packing it in with our first placement. Big issues there. The second group was absolutely awesome. We're adopting our 3rd group.

And, by the way, we have 4 bio kids, 3 are adults, youngest is 13.

It's not all about your lack of experience with children. It's a lot about how stressed the kids are when they arrive, how much they understand, what they've come from, etc. It can take awhile to find your footing, but you will.

Initially it is a lot of work. And then you find your lull and life is better. Until it gets hard again. That's foster care. But really, it does get better.

Hang in there. Come here for support. Welcome!

[alex9179]

It's totally normal! Anytime someone new (human or animal) joins the household there is a struggle to adjust.

In December our 3 young relatives came to live with us. They were 4, 3, and 15 months. I almost (well, I kinda did) cried everyday for the first few weeks. The energy in the house was so frenetic and I had to meet so many more demands that I thought we had made a HUGE mistake We don't have children either, but 3 dogs. I was so exhausted that I just collapsed after they went to bed. The younger one had sleep issues, so I was running on empty half the time.

Believe it or not, it does get easier to handle. You really have to be patient with yourself and the process so you don't go crazy with all of these new expectations.

The thing that saved me was instituting a schedule that I really try to stick to. Meals and snacks are at set times for the older two so that I'm not CONSTANTLY fixing food. They also have an hour of quiet time each day so that I can recharge my batteries (this is a sanity-saver!) I think you'll start to feel better once she has started daycare.

You do adapt, but it takes time. I think I felt better after a month of having them. At three months it felt like they had always been here.

[takingtheplunge]

When you got her, was the intent foster or do you really want to adopt? You mentioned not having kids, but I don't want to assume.

I was used to being very independent and having my own personal space. I am 30++. However, I had two rooms designated for little ones for over four years. So I welcomed the invasion of physical space!

It was hard for me to get used to the gender role bias. My DH is loving and helps out, but he would think nothing of making his work & errands more important than mine, and i would feel exhausted caring for her as the sole person when he was gone -- I could never be a single parent. God bless those that make it work. Our friends were great, though. They didn't let our new addition crap the social scene. They fully want us to take her everywhere, so I never felt as if I had to make too many social adjustments because of a child.

With that said, I never ever felt it wasn't right nor did I question the mental invation of space. Yes, I do relish the moments when I can drink coffee alone or go on the internet without her pulling on the keyboard or tugging at me. I make sure to get up and go to bed hours before/after her to claim my mental space. I get no sleep. But being a parent, to me, is worth it.

Here is a thought and I don't mean it to sound judgemental. As a working mom, I use day care, too. However, I took time off to bond and nest. If you are juggling work, a husband, and a child, that's a lot overnight. I know it sucks to take off time not knowing if the placement is going to work out, but can you take off at least two weeks? I would think that you really need to get to know this little girl and establish routines for her and yourself that will make a successful experience of it all.

Don't be afraid to ask for help from your family. It sounds as if they love her. You need rest too. She is probably not sleeping well and keeping you up and you are tired.

That said, if you are having doubts about not having your space, then maybe you are right to think about reconsidering before she gets attached and the prev. foster home gets another placement. You won't get your space back for 15+ years. And from 3 to 8 they are very demanding of your attention ". . . look at me, look at me."

[denham]

OMG thank you so much for all of your replies...in a way I realize that I am blessed already in many ways. She does sleep through the night, going to bed by 8:30 and usually won't get up until 6:30. She also sleeps for a good 2 hours each afternoon,I have some alone time there too. I am also off from school for the summer, I have 7 weeks at home to get her acclimated to daycare and to our routine here at home. My Dh is very supportive. When she woke up this morning at 4:30 - very unusual- he stayed up with her so that I could get some sleep. He'll get dinner for us and go to the store for me etc.
I think it's just so new to me and I feel overwhelmed at the newness.
Thanks again, I really appreciate your time and thoughts to help me out.

[kimb1005]

I second what everyone said earlier. I had sons--16, 12,5 and we took in a foster child. There were many times within the first month that I said --forget it . But as we all adjusted --not only to him but the visits--it has been well worth it !

[fostapeepz]

When we adopted our son at birth, it was a huge life altering thing. I went from working 50 or more hours a week, to being a stay at home mom. We had been trying to have kids for 6 years - so it was a dream come true, but it didn't always feel like it. I cried many times at how terrible a mother I must be since I didn't just feel warm and fuzzy at every moment. It got better. It's a huge adjustment and there are a ton of mixed feelings that go along with it. Like everyone else has said, give yourself some time and cut yourself some slack.

[Biblemom]

I think having a toddler/young child drop in is a HUGE adjustment. When a newborn baby comes, you don't have to worry about answering their questions, keeping them out of stuff etc. You are slowly introduced to those things. My current FS came to us at 2 and it was a HUGE adjustment going back to that toddler stage even though it had only been a few years since my youngest BS was there.

[AmahMama]

IMPO, the talking toddler/preschool ages are the hardest to 'assimilate' as new placements. They, as individuals, are the hardest ages for the families that raise them so it tracks (to me??) that it would be a really hard age to foster. They are just learning to assert their independence and don't really understand what is going on in their own psyches, much less the reasons for all the lack of control, changes, new parents, new homes... all the questions - over and over (LOL) - even without the added stresses and confusions of being in the 'system'.

I have been ready to throw in the towel several times. Since I am foster only - I prefer infants. They don't ask so many questions (LOL)!

It gets better. Any placement gets better after things settle down. It will get better in time, I've found that it usualy does.

[ScrapMonkey]

Why on Earth would you take a stranger into your home and expect to feel love for them right away? I was entertained by our first placement, a 2.5yr old, for a few days... until he started raging and then I felt duped! I talked to his therapist several months in and admitted I cared about him but didn't feel that overwhelming sense of love I thought I'd feel. She told me to stop worrying about what I thought I was SUPPOSED to feel and just let it happen. It did, eventually. Now that raging toddler is my handsome, engaging Kindergartener and I am so blessed to be his Mom!

Give yourself a break, it's an adjustment for you too!!

[shaslove]

I have my little sis, C, and she is hard! Even though she is family, I have had points these last two weeks where I am like "What did I get myself into?" (Especially true this morning when she refused to do timeout!)

Hang on with me! You can do it!!

[ranoutofnames]

Uhmm... I was sure I'd made the biggest mistake ever within the first days of our placement. We took in a 3yr old, 15 mo old, and 5 mo old. Exhausted and completely overwhelmed I was at my wits end. I had no idea how to make a bottle of formula, I had no idea what to feed a child of those ages (think Diane Keaton in "Baby Boom"... that was me), and no idea how to care for a 3yr old. We didn't have a single baby bed, no toys... NOTHING. Thank goodness we had a Walmart recently open 24hrs and an understanding friend who came over to watch the kids while we went to the store.

So there we were, a few days into it and I was certain I had made a mistake. I had it in my mind I was suppose to magically become the perfect foster parent, I was suppose to automatically love every child that came into my home, I was suppose to be able to care for the children without missing a beat (you know... baths, teeth brushed, and completely balanced 3 meals and two snacks), work a full-time job, and run my rental home business. I was suppose to know how to do my shopping with all the kids with me. I was suppoose to keep up on all my paperwork, support the parents for RU, etc. etc. etc.

I put so much pressure on myself by some imaginary and unrealistic expectations that it took several weeks to learn to enjoy the children.

In time I found it took 6-7 weeks before I felt comfortable with any change in the family. I also adjusted my expectations... and I now realize pizza is a fully balanced meal.

Hope you stick it out.

[ladyjubilee]

Originally Posted by denham

I would really like to hear from some of you who felt at one point that fostering/adopting was not right for you. We have only reached our 4th day together and I wonder if I am not cut out for this.

I had a moment about a week in this placement (after a long break) when I thought, "hmmmm, I could be in the Highlands right now. I could be at the British Museum......I could be in anywhere but here--and nobody would would bit, pinch or hit me!" Then I picked up the phone and made THE call. Only to dial right back and said no don't come get him.


The first two weeks are always the worst. The transitions, the social workers, the child's adjustment, the social workers, the visits and more social workers. It just doesn't feel like "family"....and I at least felt like every move I made was measured against some standard I couldn't and didn't want to met....and I didn't particulary want to parent this great kid who had pinchy fingers, sharp teeth and a great aim. But things did and do get better. The child becomes a person and not a task. The system butts out, at least enough so you can breathe without a social worker asking why. It just becomes normal---and you have successes and mistakes like any other normal family.

[momsphotoop]

In the first week or so, and only at night when I was exhausted and would be wishing we didn't take our placement so I could be snoozing away! lol but by the morning I was so happy again and after about 2-3 weeks I was in love! lol