[sueinla]

We have two bio daughters (14 & 15) who were supportive of the idea of fostering; however, the reality seems to be a different story. We were placed with a sibling group of two boys, ages 4 and 9 about a month ago. The girls have been having a hard time getting used to having the boys around. They understand that we are doing a good thing for the boys and they have empathy for the boy's situation, but they just wish some other family could do it and we could have a peaceful house again. The 4 year old will be moving in a couple of weeks with his paternal grandmother, but all indications are that the 9 year old will not be reunified with his mom and will be available for adoption. (I know that seems premature, but this is the second time the boys are in care within a year and mom is not working her case plan and has only 6 months to complete it.) DSS is pushing us to agree to adopt, but our daughters are adamant that they do not want us to adopt him.

I am torn because I don't want to do anything to harm my bio daughters; however, I really feel that God has placed this boy in our lives to be part of our forever family. Anyone who had older bios when you began fostering...how long was the adjustment period for them and how much consideration did you give to their opinions?

[TxMom65]

My first instinct is that I don't think I would do it.

We adopted with a teen in the home. He was all for it during the home study process. The first year after her placement was SO hard. Everyone felt displaced. Time has helped us all so much. I think he had we asked him AFTER her placement he would have said no.

Thankfully, we asked before.

[kimb1005]

I have a 16 yer old, 12 year old and 5 year old. We were placed with a foster son, age 2, in February. He had issues and still continues to have some tantruming problems. It took at least 2 months for things to resemble normalcy again. My older sons do complain about the changes but, when asked, do respond that they love him and want to keep him. My advice--talk to your girls and see why they don't want him to stay. Also, see how things go when it is only one boy. That might be easier.

[mommy2fiveplus]

My parents foster many children for the last 20 or so years, I have 2 biological siblings. Following TPR on one of the placements they were asked to adopt and I desperately wanted tehm to do so. However my little sister (age 10 at the time) and brother (age 13 at the time) did not want to adopt him. They were still grieving a lost foster child from years before that we were supposed to adopt. They thought they had not bonded to this child because they loved the previous one so much and did not want him to take the other child's place. I know the reasons are different and we had had the boys for years not only a month. But my parents did not adopt him and within 3 mos of his placement into another home for adoption, they regretted it terribly. They miss him to this day and and suffer guilt from thier choice. My mother regrets having placed so much responcibility in the hands of children. She feels like thier guilt is partly her fault. We all miss the boy.

Our situation is not the same but in a year if you still have him it may be similar. Please remember these are children even if they are teens and they may make decisions without the thinking of long term consequences. I applaud you for considering thier feelings however.

[mommytoEli]

i think i would have to really sit down and think about if the family dynamic would ever truly work if two people were not on board. would that be a healthy situation for the child, for anyone for that matter? or would it be possible that they would come around? that being said, i am in a unique position as my oldest 2 came to me as older children, and were my first children. they were 8 and 9 when we decided to adopt them(after they lived with us for a very short time), and talked to them about our decision. one thing i needed them to be on board with was the fact that we wanted 6 kids. dd said fine, but ds said he didn't want any more siblings. i told him i could ask his social worker to find him a family with no other children, just the sibling he already had (not a threat, just an honest opportunity for choice). he decided to stay anyway. so i still gave him the choice of whether or not he'd be a big brother again, just in a different way. i think it was important for him, even at 9, to be a part of that decision because i felt like if i just told him i would adopt him and he would have 4 more siblings, that it definitely would not have worked out so well. in the end, he is a good big brother for the most part, but i sort of believe it was because he bought into it before we moved forward.

[carlychan]

Do you know the reasons they don't want to adopt? My oldest son is 10 years old. We recently were placed with my FS sister for adoption. My oldest has had to help a lot more with her here (not with her necessarily, but household things). He has more responsibility now. That is what he doesn't like. He loves our FD, but given a choice he would rather not have her here. I think more responsibility is GOOD for him, not bad. But to a 10year old more "work" is not good. My point is, they may have reasons for not wanting to adopt that you haven't "pulled" out of them yet. Do they want more alone time with you? Have you stopped doing things that you used to do (eating out, watching movies)? Do they have more chores now? These are things my boys have had the problem with (not the child necessarily). So, I have scheduled time alone with them and really try to take them to the zoo, park, beach, etc. as much as possible.

Bottom line, they shouldn't make the decision for the family. They are kids and don't see the entire picture. It is your decision but also your responsibility to make it as gentle as possible for them.

[Rinata]

When i first started foster/adopt when I was married, my daughter was 14. It was important for me to have her on board since she had always been an only child. Our first placement was a 6 week old boy whom she absolutely loved. He ended up going back home. We then were foster/adopt a sib group ages 3 and 6. She was great with the 3 yr old boy but not the 6 yr old boy. We didn't adopt for special circumstances not related to our daughter. I then became a foster/adopt parent after I divorced. I have fostered 4 children, the 2 I have now are my first two placements and 2 were temp until moved to a placement with their siblings. My first placement a 2 1/2 yr old boy I won't be adopting for reasons both of us have and the other a 11 month old boy that I've had since he was 4 weeks I am adopting at the end of August. My now 17 yr old daughter has been on board the whole time. I personally wouldn't foster or adopt if she was not ok with it. I feel since she came first and has been an only child all her life she deserves a voice in the matter. I never wanted to alienate my daughter just because I wanted another child. If she had not been on board then I would have waited until she was on her own.

[timleenettesue]

To some degree I don't believe children should make this choice. I am an adoptive and bio mother, so I have been on both sides. My children are all equal no matter how they came to the family. Even bio children can come with issues, so it should make no difference what the issues of the foster/adopt child are. That being said, if you were to get preg. would you abort because one of your children didn't want you to have the baby?

[fostapeepz]

I also don't believe that it's the childrens decision. We let our son know that while we cared about his feelings and wanted him to be happy, it was still not his decision to make. I asked him how many of his classmates got to choose whether or not they had siblings?

Our son was like carlychan's. He was 10 at the time, and he wasn't fond of the extra responsibilities. What he didn't realize is that he would have been getting them anyway, because of his age! He also didn't want girls - and we ended up with 2! But he came around, and he's thrilled to have sisters....most of the time. Which is completely normal for siblings.

[MommyAlysia]

Originally Posted by timleenettesue

To some degree I don't believe children should make this choice. I am an adoptive and bio mother, so I have been on both sides. My children are all equal no matter how they came to the family. Even bio children can come with issues, so it should make no difference what the issues of the foster/adopt child are. That being said, if you were to get preg. would you abort because one of your children didn't want you to have the baby?

I think I agree with this. I don't think most families with a single parent would let their children, of any age, decide whether or not it was ok to marry someone who would be bringing step siblings into the family. This is kind of the same thing. I think the only reason I would even ask my kids "permission" (for lack of a better word ) is if the child came had extreme issues that could likely negatively affect the family. Otherwise, I'd ask their feelings on it and if they were negative feelings I'd try and reassure them and help my child deal with them. Fact of the matter, kids are moody, they change their minds often, they don't always know what they want and what they want is often time for purely selfish reasons that they simply need to get over (like they don't want to "share" mom, though, I am not saying this is the case in the OP). This kind of choice is a lot of pressure for a child, even a teenager. If they agree to it and things are tough or don't work out they could blame themselves or if they don't agree to it they could regret it later, especially if their reasons were selfish ones.
I don't think I'd allow my child to be the one to make the final decision.

[ladyjubilee]

Originally Posted by sueinla

We have two bio daughters (14 & 15) who were supportive of the idea of fostering; however, the reality seems to be a different story. We were placed with a sibling group of two boys, ages 4 and 9 about a month ago.

I would definitely say consider their opinions (let's face it, when we're talking about some intense needs it affects every member of the family).....but the first two months were always REALLY rough in every placement I've had. After those first months even with difficult placements routines are in place and transitions have been made. After that amount of time even a teen's mind can change.

[dachshunds4you]

I was thinking it may be that it's a short period of time. It's only been a month, and they were used to having you all to themselves.
Give them time to come to grips with what this means. Don't force it down them, but let them realize the fun of having other siblings to play with and love.

I too agree kids shouldn't make this decision. It's too big for a child to decide.

[peregrinerose]

Do your children make other major household decisions for you? Did you consult with the first child regarding whether or not they wanted a younger bio sibling prior to having a second child? Probably not, but just like all of other major decisions, your kids are old enough to give input, voice concerns, etc. I wouldn't phrase it as 'do you want to adopt or not' because that gives them the power to run your home, which isn't appropriate. I would, however, give them lots of information... let them read the profiles, let them be as active as they choose to be in the adoptive process should YOU as parents opt to go down that road. Address whatever concerns they have on a level that's appropriate for them.

As soon as our son is legally adopted, we're going down the road to look for #2. Instead of giving T any option of saying no, we told him flat out we're adopting again. We told him that we both believe he's an amazing person and would be a remarkable role model for a kid younger than he is, and perhaps with much more significant emotional/behavioral issues than he has. We made it clear that we think very highly of him and he has so much to offer another child. This has made him really excited about a younger brother. And we aren't blowing smoke with the things we've told him about his worthiness as a role model, we meant it.

My husband and I are the parents, our family makeup is our choice. That doesn't mean we'll neglect the concerns of our kid(s) with regard to adoption.. their concerns will be addressed, but the decision is ours.

[greenrobin]

When I wanted to have another baby, I never asked my older kids for their permission. We just did it and everyone adjusted. I kind of feel the same way about adoption. This hasn't been easy for our 13 yr old "baby" but he's getting over it. As someone mentioned, it changes the family dynamic. Kids will always worry about their place in the family--it's natural.

A student of mine had a similar situation in his home. His family was doing kinship care and the girl became legally free for adoption. He didn't like it a bit! So, the family went through some counseling together to work on the sticky issues together. A year later, they finalized their adoption and he was fine with it.

I do want Jay to understand that I will always love him. I also want him to understand that Bubba and Flower Girl are going to be part of our family forever. But I'm not going to ask his permission--just ease his transition from baby to big brother, which is the same thing I did for each of his older siblings.

[reesegayla]

I agree with others that this is not a child's decision. I think that you need to make this decision based on what is best for your family. Many teenage girls wish their parents would send their biological little brothers away too but we would never dream of doing that. If adoption does become a reality, I would explain to them that while I understand and have considered their feelings, that he is part of the family now and he has a right to be here just like all of the other members. HTH!