[DreamingAzure]

I'm going to be odd man out there I guess...I would most definately take my bio children's wants and desires into consideration. I have several friends with adoptive siblings that really wish had never been adopted, and it affected the WHOLE family in a very negative way.

If the bio children are under 12 it's a completely different ball game...but if they in their teens they most definately need a voice in the situations, if not a vote.

Who is more important to you at this point, your biological/legal teenagers, or a child who is not yours either biologically or legally? Is this adoption worth risking possible alienation of your daughters? (That happened to a family I know)

[ScrapMonkey]

We absolutely would sit our kids down and ask their opinions. We would try to find out WHY they would not support an adoption and talk it out but, in the end, the decision is up to mom and dad.

We knew within a few months that we could not be an adoptive resource for our current foster son because he likes to push buttons for my 5 year old AND my two year old. He's three, he's a button pusher by nature, but he has other behaviors that are just not a good fit for our family as a whole. He has been with us 18 months and, while we will not be adopting him and he's going to relatives soon, we are committed to him while he's in our home.

If we felt he WAS a good fit for our family and my kids had other thoughts, we would consider them because we committed to THEM first and we need to consider THEIR well being first.

Final say, though, is with us because it might be very silly reasons my kids don't want to add a sibling... but it might be very serious to them at the time.

[sunnyrobins]

We have alwasy had an agreement that we (me, husband, and kids) all had to be onboard with the decision to foster to adopt. In fact, we had been licensed, completed homestudy and were waiting for a placementment when our then 14 yr old daughter (now 19) starting voicing very strong feelings against fostering and adopting. She was never angry, rude, or disrespectful but she was very matter of fact in how she felt. . . .it just so happened that she voiced her change in heart after we had been waiting over a year with no placement. We decided to put our plans on hold . . about 3 yrs later she was on board again In fact she just told me a few months ago how happy she that we are finally getting to do what we have always wanted to do. In our situation it would not have worked to have one of our children against having a placement. It is a committment for the whole family.

[Ashley-n-D]

Originally Posted by timleenettesue

To some degree I don't believe children should make this choice. I am an adoptive and bio mother, so I have been on both sides. My children are all equal no matter how they came to the family. Even bio children can come with issues, so it should make no difference what the issues of the foster/adopt child are. That being said, if you were to get preg. would you abort because one of your children didn't want you to have the baby?

I agree children dont get to choose when the next bio sib is going to come along why let them choose when they get an adoptive sib. If you feel that this little boy is right for you family go on ahead the kids will fall in line

[Ssumner]

"I agree children dont get to choose when the next bio sib is going to come along why let them choose when they get an adoptive sib. If you feel that this little boy is right for you family go on ahead the kids will fall in line"

I have to disagree with this statement. Yes, children can't choose when their parents have another sibling, but it is a biological sibling. A child comes on board as a foster and with most definitely alot of issues. It is not the same as a bio child coming into the world in a family from the getco. A foster child, will come into an already established family and can bring much stress and tension. The elder children need to have some say or it could bring alot of distress, jeolousy, resentment towards the foster child. I am becoming a foster parent and have 3 bio children (11, 14 and 18). I would MOST definitely want my elder children's blessings to adopt a foster child.

[peregrinerose]

foster child, will come into an already established family and can bring much stress and tension.

How is this different from a bio child? Kids are just as much a bundle of stress as a bundle of joy sometimes :-)

[Ssumner]

"'How is this different from a bio child? Kids are just as much a bundle of stress as a bundle of joy sometimes"

Well lets see... most bio children are not coming into a home with trauma, abuse, neglect, etc. Foster children have MANY issues that we as foster parents must address. Bio children on the other hand are (hopefully) being brought up in a loving, nurturing family with no abuse, neglect, etc. Bio children bring us stress, of course, but stress that we can handle on a much lower and different level. My bio children are well adjusted, do not need counseling, do not have RAD, etc. and can NOT be compared to a foster child who has been taken from their homes by the state due to neglegant parents. So, yes it is different and really not one to compare.
__________________

[ScrapMonkey]

To have older children on board at the beginning of the process is vital, I imagine, but once a child is in your home and you as the adult know if you want to add the child to your family... I don't really see how you could allow a child -- no matter the age -- to determine who is in our who is out of your family. By then it's a child you love or you wouldn't even be asking how they felt about adoption, not a theoretical possibility. I cannot imagine loving and advocating on behalf of a child for YEARS, we're talking heart and soul, and wanting to add them to my family forever but a child says no so we don't? I would take the concerns into consideration because they are valid concerns but no way do they have the power to determine the outcome of this decision.

[peregrinerose]

Originally Posted by Ssumner

"'How is this different from a bio child? Kids are just as much a bundle of stress as a bundle of joy sometimes"

Well lets see... most bio children are not coming into a home with trauma, abuse, neglect, etc. Foster children have MANY issues that we as foster parents must address. Bio children on the other hand are (hopefully) being brought up in a loving, nurturing family with no abuse, neglect, etc. Bio children bring us stress, of course, but stress that we can handle on a much lower and different level. My bio children are well adjusted, do not need counseling, do not have RAD, etc. and can NOT be compared to a foster child who has been taken from their homes by the state due to neglegant parents. So, yes it is different and really not one to compare.
__________________

A bio child is a crap shoot as to what issues you end up dealing with (and EVERY kid has their issues). An adoptive child is one that you worked long and hard to match with and know the bulk of their issues (if any) in advance. So from that stance, a non-bio kid gives you more control.

Pros and cons to both... both disrupt the family status quo, both cause jealousy in older sibs, both require more attention in the early stages than an older sib does, both cause a shift in the family paradigm (for better or worse).

Edited to add: To the OP... as someone who's adopting a teenager who's been through 25-30 placements in his 15 years.... every family that turns a back on him is one more rejection, that's all our son knows at this point. It's obvious that you care for the foster boys, have bonded with them, and want to be their parents... from what you're saying your older kids (and as teenagers, they are all a little self-centered, that's that age) are resistant. The real question is, is your bio kids' 'in the moment' opinion (which will probably change multiple times over the years) worth being just one more family to reject these kids on the very long paths they may have ahead of them if you don't offer them stability now?

[stevenstwin]

I USED to be one of the ones saying "kids don't get to pick". I also USED to be a big believer that the kids would adapt and it would be good for them. I would no longer give that advice. Our long term foster son caused so much unpleasantness for my older daughter that I know she still feels like she lost 2 years of her child hood. She says home was not a haven and she lost the majority of my time and attention. She's absolutely right, and I wouldn't put her through it again. She just isn't wired to be able to deal with the chaos and disruption that it brought into our lives. My other daughter had NO problems whatsoever and still misses him - so every kid is different, and sometimes they really don't know what they can take until the child is in the home.

[sueinla]

Thanks to all of you for your comments. Since I wrote the original post, I found my younger daughter (who was the most adamant about not wanting any additional siblings) making a book with the younger boy and teaching him his alphabet. She later came to me in tears saying that she didn't want him to go live with his grandma. I think that both girls will eventually come around on the adoption issue once they bond more with the nine year old. I think they are just trying to adjust to having less time with me right now. I guess it would not be wise to make major decisions based on teenagers who change their minds almost as much as they change their outfits...lol.

[kimb1005]

I'm glad things are working out better for you and your family. I am a true believer in the "give them time" first. if my older sons were asked about adopting our foster son within 1-2 months of placement, it would have been a resounding "no". He caused alot of disruption as he had issues and no boundaries when coming into care. Add to that the upheaval of visits and poeple coming out and it was alot. They couldn't see the forest for the trees. Now that things are settled, we have a rountine and he has also adjusted to our home rountine, they want him to stay.

[dpen6]

All ofthese replies have been based on the needs of the biochild and as a parent, I understand but what comes into my mind is how good is it for the foster/adopt childto even be in a home that there is resentment and anger twards them because they have issues that they hadnocontrol over.

I do beleive if there is an "estbalished" family that is bio they do come first to a parents mind...then don't foster..then don't adopt. The unique needs of the foster child needs to be first,thats the only way they will overcome the bad deal they have been dealt. IF the whole family is not on board to do that..and I understand t hat...it is not easy...then for ALL involved es[pecially the foster child...don't do it. Don't put them in another position to feel as if they don't matter, as they have probably felt that their whole lifes, if they do have issues that could hurt your bio's then they should not be placed with you...so all in all it is best for all to just not do it.

IMO..thats where the foster child loses because of the multiple placements, the issues become bigger and bigger and they act out more and more and become impossible for anyone to care forthem.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by reesegayla

I agree with others that this is not a child's decision. I think that you need to make this decision based on what is best for your family. Many teenage girls wish their parents would send their biological little brothers away too but we would never dream of doing that. If adoption does become a reality, I would explain to them that while I understand and have considered their feelings, that he is part of the family now and he has a right to be here just like all of the other members. HTH!

Here it IS the child's decision in the sense that they will NOT allow you to adopt if there is a child already in your home who is adamantly opposed. That is the policy of Children's Services, so if you live in a place with a similar policy it really does take the decision out of your hands! That is one road-block we ran into.

[JustAntotherThought]

I haven't read all the replies, although I really liked how one Dr who has adopted 10 children answered this question.

Do you consult your children every time you have sex?