[bluebird38]

What form of discipline have you found successful for 3-4 yr olds that simply will not cooperate unless they are getting what they want? My fs is constantly climbing things, throwing things, getting into everything he knows he's not supposed to. I've took favorite toys away and he doesn't seem to care. He does time outs, time ins, stand in the corner, etc. He just doesn't care. He has fits any time he's told no. I know that the system is messing him up but our family needs to be able to function without our entire day always being about him.

Thanks for listening. I know a lot of you have probably had the same issues.

[greenrobin]

How long has he been with you?

When Bubba first came, he was totally out of control, doing all of the same things you describe. He was a new 4 then. We used time out/in, room time, removal of toys, etc, etc. And it didn't appear to make a difference at first--like the whole first year! But, today, he's relatively well-behaved (!) and tends to do as he's requested.

The only thing I can point at and say "That's what worked" would be consistancy. Over time, he understood that my will was stronger than his and I wasn't about to give up.

Also, medication. He is seriously ADHD and the meds, which we had to wait for until 5, have made his quality of life so much better.

Has your little one been evaluated for various issues--ADHD-like behaviors, sensory integration stuff, anything else? Sometimes kids with mis-wired brains will engage in what appears to be defiant, thrill-seeking behaviors because they aren't getting the stimulation that they crave and need. If he hasn't, you might want to talk to someone like Early Childhood Intervention or your doctor to get you hooked up with the right folks.

I know it is frustrating. I REALLY know!

[shavon]

Aww sorry you are dealing with this. It can be so disruptive. It sounds like you are doing every thing correctly.

I have found what works with my 3yr old is time out. not just time out but 3 min time outs without talking or arguing and her time does not start until she is quiet. And consistentcy (sp?) Let him know what will happen if he throws things..time out...every time...The first few days the poor kid may be in time out more than he's not but he will get the concept..

On fits well just ignore him. Walk away, act as if he is not even there. If he is getting any kind of pay off for having fits he will continue the cycle.

My 3yr had the issue of peeing in her floor EVERY time I told her to pick up her toys.. I always reacted with.."why did you pee in the floor?" or "wow bad choice, big girls dont pee in the floor" She knew she got a reaction out of me for it. My hubby told me to try not reacting...I was like huhhh...the next time she did it I just totally ignored it. I didnt say a word about it. she finished picking up her toys (in her wet panties) and when she was finished I gave her dry clothes still without saying any thing..she put them on by herself and put the wet ones in the basket...To this day she has not peed in her floor again. YEAHHHH...

Good luck. You are going to be fine

Shavon

[ladyjubilee]

Has an underlying medical condition been ruled out? Kids in care often don't get the medical care we'd expect for other kids.

Have you tried modeling? Ex. If he throws something, walk him over to the item, use his hands to pick it up, and his hands to put the item up--"like a big boy". Living with Little Guy, I've discovered that what he "should know" isn't always what he actually knows. He really didn't know not to throw things (and still falls back into throwing rejected items).

Time outs are hard. In our home time out time doesn't start until he settles, and is based on his developmental age, not chronological. But time out isn't the end....after time out we have to go back and do what he wouldn't do or model what he should have done. Don't know that it works, but it seems to help him make choices.

Which is something that has helped. I encourage Little Guy to make as many choices as possible. The more control I've given him, the more he's allowed me.....and it meant giving those choices during the same period when he was at the hieght of tantrums (as opposed to the hieght of a tantrum).

I also had to learn that somethings that I expect of other children are just not within his range. People have said that slamming doors is disrespectful----well, maybe. Give me the choice between having a broken nose (which I did get) and a slammed door and I'm a happy camper. Now, if Little Guy is with me a year from now, hopefully we'll progress to just yelling "I'm mad". But right now....I'm proud of him.

Praise has worked wonders.....just letting him know that we still love him even when he's cranky.

[Nevada Jen]

I have had a lot of luck with one topic behavior charts that only chart good behavior. I pick one issue at a time I want to fix. Right now its picking up toys. He doesn't lose anything for bad but I say "You made the wrong choice, no sticker today." After 10 stickers he gets a reward (usually a Thomas the train I have sitting on top of the fridge that he can see the entire time he is working towards it). I try to space it so he is getting a reward every 4 days or so, even if I have to be generous with the stickers. "Wow, you picked up your toys without me asking. 2 Stickers!" And hang the reward chart close to where the activity you are trying to encourage should happen so its kind of in his face.

[EandDmom]

We had a lot of success with a star chart we created. Whatever behavior we wanted corrected we added and if they did well that day they got a star. Once they got 5stars they got a special treat 10 stars they got to stay up an extra few min. for some alone time and at 15 stars they got to pick a toy from the toy closet. Just clearance stuff and dollar store toys but they were thrilled. They loved earning the stars and we made a big production out of it daily when we put the stars up. Technically they had a shot at earning 5 stars a day. They rarely did but still they could have. They have been asking about us bringing it back so we may start it up againd. We had stopped using it because everything on it is now something they just do now adays.

[Yes2Kids]

We are trying the "Love & Logic" training our agency just implemented. I do like it though, even a two year ols could understand it. You give two choices you can live with...they feel like they have control..but you really do.

When they choose not to do either..or continue bad behavior you simple can say Oh, I am so sorry you chise not to do *** and now you have to stay inside while the rest of us go out and play in the sprinlker...and make a big display out of having fun with other children while he knows his choice lost him a chance to have fun with family...

[txwannabemom]

Another good option is the positive discipline series by Jane Neilson.

I use it at schooland it works well for children who need to have a voice. Here's an example of a recent interation:

Me: "I noticed you've used a crayon to draw on the floor. Would you like for me to hold the caryon or would you like to place it on the table?"

Child places crayon on table. (Note I gave two choices that I feltt comfortable with. I just wanted crayon out of his hand!)

Me: Thank you. The floor needs to be restored. Are you going to scrub it with a srcub brush or a rag?"

(Note: to clean or not to clean is not the choice. How to clean the child can choose.)

Child: With a scrub brush.

So the child and I fixed a bowl of soapy water, and he scrubbed the floor with it.

SOMETIMES, it comes down to saying: Do you want to do it on your own or do you want me to help your muscles? In which case I will gently take the child's hand and move the blocks into the basket with his hand.

Other stock phrases like: "I see you are interested in throwing. After you put the block back in the basket, I have some balls that you could throw outside." also help me alot. BUT you have to say it with confidence. As if you know the child WILL follow through, 3 & 4 year olds are learning all about what works with different adults, and whats acceptable, what gets them the attention they desire, and what makes you do that "crazy" dance!

The goal of positive discipline is to teach logical and natural consequences while still communicating unconditional love. Good LucK!

[CRAZY_WOMAN]

The only thing I can think of is keeping him busy with activities.