[potentialsinglemom]

There is a Fmom that I slightly know who has had her four fkids since their births. Her boyfriend proposed to her on the condition that she give up fostering and not adopt her FKs. The children are extremely attached to her. What upsets me is this...two months ago she was in support groups talking about adopting the children. All of them are legally free and know no other "mother". She just let them know two weeks ago that she was looking for new parents for them and they are devastated. They think because they were bad, she did not want them anymore.

I understand everyone has to do what makes them happy. But, this situation tugs at my heart.

What do you think???

[yogamama]

This pushes my buttons in so many ways...I almost shouldn't post.

This is so unfair to these kids. Is this not why she went into fostering in the first place? To bring stability and love into the lives of children? To do this to kids who know no other parents... wow, it is unspeakable. Without knowing the details of the situation, I would call it emotional abuse. Especially if she talked to these kids about adopting them. She is very likely doing them irreperable harm. And I may be wrong, but I suspect that a man who would ask that of her is no prize and won't make her happy in the long run.

How old are these kids?

[potentialsinglemom]

Originally Posted by yogamama

This pushes my buttons in so many ways...I almost shouldn't post.

This is so unfair to these kids. Is this not why she went into fostering in the first place? To bring stability and love into the lives of children? To do this to kids who know no other parents... wow, it is unspeakable. Without knowing the details of the situation, I would call it emotional abuse. Especially if she talked to these kids about adopting them. She is very likely doing them irreperable harm. And I may be wrong, but I suspect that a man who would ask that of her is no prize and won't make her happy in the long run.

How old are these kids?

The youngest is 3 and the oldest seems to be 5 or 6.

The men that I know do not wait to the last to minute to show displeasure. I am almost sure she knew his feelings the entire time...all the eye rolls, body language showing he is agitated, exhibiting frustration when the children are acting up, etc etc.

[marigold]

Not everyone gets into fostercare to adopt. I knew someone who did fostercare for a few years took a break got married had a child and is now back to fostering. However she always knew that she did not want to adopt alone, she never saw adoption as an option the first time around. That is a fine and fair situation, we cann't adopt every child that comes into our homes. However, what this woman you know did seems to be painfully in the other direction. It seems she tried to fill her (family) void with foster children but then when her "real deal" came along she turned her back in an instant. We cann't adopt children just because they are comfortable where they are, there needs to be a true love and fierce attachment to be able to weather their ups and downs, and we need to remember it is for forever. No one should jump into adoption if they are wondering what is around the corner. To give these children the feeling of stability and to say she is there for them when she will give them up for a man, is awful! At least they have a chance to go to an adoptive home where they will be considered the gifts that they are.

[CaddoRose]

Just makes you wonder if she was a divorced Mom with kids, would she have sent the kids to live with their Dad. I think in the end, she will find she resents him for making her do that and the marriage is doomed before it gets started and that is a very sad thought for her and more importantly, the kids. Some people are willing to give up huge portions of themselves in order to gain companionship, but by doing this they enter into relationships that are not equal or based on mutual trust and endearing love. What will he "ask" her to give up next, her friends?

[hkolln]

Originally Posted by potentialsinglemom

Her boyfriend proposed to her on the condition that she give up fostering and not adopt her FKs.

Sounds to me like this boyfriend is very controlling and now that he's gotten his way he will try something else (even bigger) next time to manipulate her. She should be thinking about these kids. How can someone just throw away the kids for a man? Those kids have got to feel awful and how can they now trust someone else won't do this? How said she would agree to a life with a man like this.

And you know...this is how physical abuse starts. The man manipulates the woman to leave her friends and family so he can have complete control and then he starts hitting her. I hope she realizes this before it's too late. No man is worth losing my kids to me. I would go to the end of the earth for my kids!

[alinev]

How many times we hear of kids who are placed in foster care, neglected or killed for mom's boyfriend? Long term, this woman will make a terrible mother, if not this man, the next or the next. As devastating as this is, better that they are out then abused by the boyfriend of the month....

[greenrobin]

My answer to your original question is another question: Why not everyone's happiness?

Here's my thinking on this. If she is willing to give up the kids in return for a marriage, then she was not really happy to start with. Or maybe she's afraid of being alone. Or maybe that's the way she was raised. Or, or, or. You might want to read Ruby K. Payne's work on poverty. Payne observed that when women come from poverty, they'll often do anything their man wants. Don't go ballistic, folks. I was raised in poverty, too, but I don't think like that either!

And the kids. They don't know anything different, but you don't know all of the circumstances of their home. What can publicly appear to be wonderful might, in private, be not so peachy. We don't know if the kids have issues, if the money is tight, if they are actually happy. There are such things as attachments that are unhealthy for the child--my own son has one for his first family. And for all intents and purposes, this may well be the kids' "first family."

We cannot judge this. We do not have all of the facts. We only know what shows in public. And, from experience, most of us know that our kids' biofamilies are often able to present well in public but not in private. We just don't live their lives.

Do I feel bad for the kids? You bet. Their world doesn't appear as safe and secure as they deserve. But, I also feel badly for the fmom. Her world isn't as safe and secure as she would like either.

Why not just pray for wisdom, security, and wholeness for everyone involved? There but for the grace of God go I.

[GoddessDanu]

I agree with greenrobin. We don't know all the facts. She chose to find happiness in her future marriage. Maybe not the choice most of us would have made but we don't know the motives behind it.

Still, it's a sad situation...

[reesegayla]

I have a real problem with this. If this woman wanted to foster and adopt these kids then what is she doing with a man who wants nothing to do with them? I believe that you should not take children in to your home (foster or biological) unless you are ready to make them your first priority ALWAYS! I think this is totally unfair to these children, and I agree that this man is no prize if he is only willing to marry her under such extreme conditions.

[mrstkg1]

I'm sure we don't know all the facts. But to be fair, this woman may prefer marriage to being a single mother. Just that simple. I don't think that that choice negates all the love, affection and security that she has given up until this point. I was single and fostering and felt very strongly that adopting would not be the right choice for me. After my husband and I got married though, that changed and adoption not only became an option, but a reality.

[irelady10]

This is just really, really sad, for all involved. Especially the kids. This woman is giving up kids she's had since birth because of a man? Ugh. There are just so many things wrong with this, many of which have already been mentioned.

But, its tough to judge someone when you are not walking in their shoes.

I pray the kids find a great new, forever home.

[millie58]

That happened to my 2 little ones. they were with a foster mom for almost 2 years and she was supposed to adopt them. then she met a man. She didn't "give them up" per se. they were taken because of medical neglect and physical abuse. If you just want to foster, that's fine. but if you talk about adopting kids, she should have chosen the kids over the man. And a man that would ask her give them up is no prize!

[fredalina]

i agree this is a very sad situation, and i agree we don't know all the facts. But 2 things i do know: 1) If they'd gotten married *and* kept the kids (though he wasn't happy about it), that would be an even worse situation for the kids, and 2) If she's willing to give up the kids for the man (if those are indeed the 100% facts with nothing missing since we don't know everything), she would not have been a good mother to them anyway. It takes a lot of commitment to adopt kids from the system, and clearly she lacks that commitment toward them.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by alinev

How many times we hear of kids who are placed in foster care, neglected or killed for mom's boyfriend? Long term, this woman will make a terrible mother, if not this man, the next or the next. As devastating as this is, better that they are out then abused by the boyfriend of the month....

Thats what I was thinking...how many woman let the "boyfriends" dictate the chidrens future. Any woman that takes on the responibity of fostering needs to put the kids first. They are in the system because they have laready been traumtized. To throw them away because of a man makes me sick...he obvisoulsy knew they were there, she made them part of her life, she chose to give those kids stability....only to throw it away because of some guy...I guess her man needs come beforeher mothering needs and people think its ok to just bounce the kids around like footballs. Another instance of adoption not really being about kids at all but the adults.

That is telling it it self...I hope these kids do find an adoptive family thatcan help them heal, I hop0e she is never allowed another child. But she will have her man....

When my kidswere younger I remember a stry of a woaman that pushed kids aside for the boyfriend....iI thought to my self Iwould not let my HUSBAND...father of these kids get away with that...because of the childs vunerabiliy and needs they came first because I chose to have them, I chose to bring them into thisworld, because of that I was resposible for putting thewm first. That same level of commitment needs to be in adoption and foster care...more so because of the pain and trauma they have already suffrered

Edited to add...This woman in essense promised adoption to these kids....she was mommy to them....they know no other...what if this was a woman that gave brith to these kids and did the same thing ..the outrage from society would be incredible...but because these kids are "only" foster kids well...hey there not REALLYhers so we should not judge...come on...