[YaYaPow]

I have a 7 year old fd that has been here for 4 weeks. She wets the bed and then trys to cover it up, she was placed with her 11 year old brother who also helps her to cover up the bed wetting. I have all the children make their beds every morning, well he will make her bed and she will just place her wet things in the hamper. Last week I went in to get her hamper, to do the wash and found wet underware and pj's on top of the dresser and of course she said that she did not wet the bed. Two mornings ago I went into her room to get her up and she didn't have on any underware. When asked why she said she forgot to put them on the night before. (WHAT?) I told her that for now on she need to show me that she has on underware before going to bed and also when she gets up in the morning, well this morning when I went in to get her up her underware and pj's were under the bed. She lies about everything just will not tell the truth even after I find the wet things in her room, she stills says she did not wet the bed. I am about at my wits end with this nonsense, she also lies about everything else too not just the bedwetting. When she first was placed with me she told me her parents let her sleep in pull ups. I think she is just to old to buy pull ups for- also she has been to the medical dr and also had a psych evaluation, and no one has said that this is due to a medical condition. Any advice on what to do about the lying, it is realling driving me crazy.

Thanks in advance

[greenmama]

I would buy some Goodnites sleep pull ups and at least address that part of things. That is what they are for...they go up to 120 lbs because LOTS of older kids wet the bed.

[DPline]

My 10.5 year old still wets at night and we have seen doctors, tried everything, and in the end it is not a medical condition. He simply sleeps so hard his body does not wake up when he needs to go and he just needs to outgrow it. And he is not the only 10 year old I know who still does and I know many others who only outgrew it in the last year or so.

Of course there may be more to it in your FD's situation, but she also may be lying about it because she is embarassed. My son is embarassed even though he knows it is something beyond his control. I agree with the previous poster about buying Goodnights and at least taking care of that part of the issue.

Good luck!

[Hadley2]

Why wouldn't her parents let her wear pullups? Sounds sensible to me. I doubt they enjoyed changing sheets everyday and having ruined mattresses.

ditto greenmama. Also, you have to get her to understand that it is OK with you, she doesn't need to be ashamed, you understand that she can't help it, it is very personal, and you will help her deal with it. And all that needs to be true.

I don't believe children wet the bed willfully. She is covering up because she doesn't believe that she won't be in trouble for it and/or she believes it is shameful.

Many children wet the bed, I forget the stats, but for some unfortunate people it can last well into teenhood. It just is--there doesn't have to be an obvious "medical condition." Bed wetting can also be related to anxiety, especially but certainly not always that caused by sexual abuse, domestic violence, lots of yelling, etc. That is why it is so much more common in foster kids and "at risk" kids. Once the pattern is established, it may not abate for a long time even after the stressors seemed to be removed.

No milk an hour or so before bedtime but otherwise don't restrict fluids. Don't get her up to go to the bathroom--that just continues to train their body to urinate while still half asleep. Do be sure she "tries" before going to bed. Make bedtime as relaxing as possible, maybe put soft music on.

Walmart sells a vinyl fitted sheet that doesn't rustle. Put it directly on top of the mattress. Then on top of that, you can also overlap two crib pads to make a bigger soakup area. Then the regular fitted sheet. With a pullup, you should be good. Give her a place to put wet things if/when the occasion arises--an empty laundry basket so that other things don't get wet and smelly. Also a separate trash bag for the pullups. Have a large bathtowel where she can get it so that she can easily strip the sheet and pads off in the night and lay a towel down to finish sleeping.

Given that she is 7 and has a lot of things to deal with now, I would stick with that for a good long time. If it doesn't stop for many months and she wants to try to overcome it, alarms work very well. There is one in particular that I can recommend because it is not cumbersome or scary in the least (and many are!). PM me for the name and brand if you like. This one worked like a charm.

As for lying, again commonplace. Highly functional in their former world and often what they saw/heard modeled. It can sometimes even be rather amusing as some children and people are so compulsive that they will lie about things for no reason or even when it is not in their interest to do so...they are just used to and can't stop themselves from spinning the tale.

It takes a lot of patience. Try to make telling the truth enjoyable and risk-free. Try not to set her up to lie by asking incriminating questions like: who took the candy? If you know full well that it was her. Ask, why did you take the candy? In a friendly tone. If she says, because I wanted it then stay friendly and explain why we don't eat candy before supper. You get the idea.

I doubt anyone is perfect at this. It is exasperating. There are times when you have to remind them that not telling the truth one time can mean no one will believe them when they are. That will actually come to pass, probably, you don't have to plan it.

So much is based on trust, which is hard to build. Until they begin to trust the world, they see no value in being trustworthy themselves. Even after they do, habits are hard to break. Especially for FAE/FAS or RAD kids, carrying a rule over day to day, generalizing a rule (if I can't have candy, then that means I can't have soda, either--that's not an idea that would naturally occur to my daughter), and memory (when she says "I forgot" it is often the truth, although unbelievable in anyone else) are really hard.

Generally speaking in my experience, punishment (even if you mean it as a consequence) and recriminations only harden the behavior and oppositional attitude. Patience and constant coaching, rewarding truth even if it isn't optimal--not ignoring whatever the issue is, but taking time to praise truth telling and make it a better option than covering up--works best to help them grow into being truth tellers.

Best of luck with your children!

[teachermomof3]

My eight year old bio still wets and is on medication from the doctor to help, not because it is a medical issue, but because he is frustrated and requested help from the doctors. Anyway, a lot of children were punished for wetting in their bio homes and that could explain so much, including the big brother helping to hide it. I would buy goodnights and deal with the lying as the more important issue.

[OakShannon]

Originally Posted by DPline

My 10.5 year old still wets at night and we have seen doctors, tried everything, and in the end it is not a medical condition. He simply sleeps so hard his body does not wake up when he needs to go and he just needs to outgrow it. And he is not the only 10 year old I know who still does and I know many others who only outgrew it in the last year or so.

Absolutely true. We have several kids in our family (nieces and nephews) who are bedwetters. It seems to be inherited. My brothers-in-law wet the bed into their early teens. They just need to outgrow it.

I would buy the pull-ups because I doubt she is doing it on purpose or has any control over it. But it is something that kids are usually really embarrassed about, so I'm not surprised she's trying to hide it. The fact that her older brother is helping her cover it up makes me wonder if this is something she has been punished for before.

[dachshunds4you]

Ditto everyone else. And try your best to not make a big deal out of it. What 7 yr old would want it brought to her attn that she continues to wet the bed. She is probably completely embarrassed by it, but can't help it. My niece would go poop in her undies and would hide them. When we'd find them she would completely deny she hid them or she went poop in them. We realized to just let it go and she outgrew it.

Have her wear the pull ups until she starts to have dry ones...then slowly wean her off of wearing them.

[YaYaPow]

Thanks everyone, I do have the mattresses covered and when she first came I did give her the goodnites for the first 3 or 4 nights, but she told me that she was not wetting in them so I thought that she did not need them and was not wetting the bed. I just found out last week that she still is, not sure why she would say she didn't wet them. I guess my main issue is the lying because she will not tell the truth about anything and that's what's making this so hard. if I gave her the goodnites before then I just don't understand why she would lead me to believe that she didn'd need them.

[DPline]

I am wondering if like others mentioned she has been punished for wetting before or is so embarassed by it that she is just pretending it isn't happening? And that she doesn't need the Goodnights?

I realize that with a foster child who has been through who knows what there may be much more to it, but just knowing how my 5, 6, and 10 year old think . . . .

[YaYaPow]

Also I have talked to both children about how important it is to tell the truth. They just will not do it. I also told them they will not be get into trouble when they tell the truth, but she still will not. The brother is a little better but I think he feels he as to protect his sister.

[CaddoRose]

It can be two things. One, being in foster care and the uncertainty of that brings on bedwetting and second, is that many, many kids, mine bio daughter included, have a medical condition that makes them wet at night. Their bodies do not produce enough of a particular hormone that shuts off urine production and elimination at night and they simply sleep right thought it. There is a simple medication that the child can take once a day that will stop bed wetting. Mine took it until she was about 10 and then when she hit pre-puberty, her hormones started kicking in and she stopped wetting at night.

She won't tell you she's wetting because she simply embarrassed about it. Let her dr know about it and also get her some good nites. You will have to make sure she wears them without making her feel bad about it.

[thelowlanders]

I give an established place they can put the dirty laundry (such as the utility sink) w/out having to tell me and deal w/the emabarrassment. It definitely helps so there's no hidden stinky laundry.

[Jensboys]

For my sons (still an infrequent bed wetter at almost 12,. and a constant at 8) it helps them to know this is NORMAL ... lots and lots of kids wet the bed, its not their fault, they will never get in trouble over it, and pull-ups are NOT an option. we just have a garbage can in their room .. and a constant supply of them. I would make the pull ups a requirement of bedtime. she can wear panties over them if that makes her more comfortable ... she can pick out the color, she can do whatever makes it easier, but in your house, she wears pull ups and its not a big deal.

[beav]

As a mother of 4 boys...3 of the 4 boys have been or are bed wetters. My oldest was 10 before it stopped. Our physician told us at times it can last until age 14.
It is not necessarily a medical condition but their bladders are immature and do not send the message to the brain that it is full while they are sleeping. It especially occurs in kids that are heavy sleepers.
Our children did wear pull ups because of the obvious that I got sick of washing sheets and for their sake that they didnt have to wake up every morning soaked.
We do not not make a big deal of it but did insist they go to the bathroom before bed and then if they do wet they have to help with the responsibility of pulling the sheets off the bed and getting them to the washer.
We tried meds for our kids (mainly for sleepe overs so their friends didnt konw) and for one it worked great and for the other it didnt.
As for the lying that may be a totally different situation. As for the bed wetting, I wouldnt make the child feel ashamed or draw alot of attention to it as they really cant help it.
I think it is noble of the brother to try and help her deal with something she is obviously embarrassed about.

[YaYaPow]

Thanks everyone
I'll get her back in the goodnites or pull ups