[GoddessDanu]

I got my first email today from Frank's worker today with a few complaints from his biomom. She complained that I didn't put a pacifier in the diaper bag (I did) and that he won't sleep without it (he does). She said she need me to provide 8 oz of formula for him even though he only ever drinks 6 oz with me. She said I don't communicate with her. I have written her a note and put it in the diaper bag every single visit (I know she gets the notes because I place them right on top and they're gone when he comes home). She said she is more than willing to follow whatever schedule he is on if only I'd tell her what the schedule was. I'm following the same schedule the previous foster mom had him on and both his biomom and worker know this because I have told them.

I know these are little complaints because she doesn't like that I'm taking care of her son. I get that. How do you deal with complaints from bioparents? Do you let them roll off your back or do you speak up about them?

[Kat-L]

Ugh. I had this one bio-mom who insisted on over-feeding the baby. Then she would complain that the baby always throws up at visits and must be sick. She would give her a huge bottle whether the baby was hungry or not. She also complained that the bottles were too cold (baby preferred room temperature). And would heat the bottles and the baby would get a sour stomach. So..I know what you're going through. I would send a note to the caseworker to ask Mom to bring her own diaper bag & supplies (pacifier, formula, bottle) etc so she always has what she needs on hand. Tell her you sent everything you thought she would need but you don't want to get in the middle of the mother's complaints. Tell her that you sending a diaper bag would result in further complaints because the mom sees you as an adversary. Therefore, in order to keep the peace and have a good relationship with mom, you want mom to supply her own diaper bag at visits. Really emphasize the point that you want to have a good relationship with mom so you're trying to come up with a solution that would not allow her to have these frivilous complaints about you. Tell cw that you are worried that baby's Mom may try to sabotage the placement and you want to keep things very smooth between you. If Mom gets the updates from the cw, she can't complain about your updates. Tell the cw that if contact stays between cw and b-mom she won't be able to create bad feelings between all the parties involved in the baby's care. This way, you would be preserving the placement for the baby's sake and reducing the conflict between you and baby's Mom.


I wouldn't do the phone calls, either (per your other thread). Keep contact between you and the caseworker. Your responsibility is the to the baby and then to the cw. You have no responsibility to the baby's mother-especially in cases where the Mom has issues.




Other than that, you just have to grin & bear it.

[TxMom65]

I'm interested in the replies you will get. I know you will get good advice, but I would mainly be concered with the SW and her take on it. Whoever you hand the baby over to for the visit, I would have a checklist of what is in the bag and let them initial it. Diapers, wipes, paci, ect. That way if it comes to your word vs hers you have proof.

[dachshunds4you]

I do similar to TXmom65. I inform transporter, I've fed baby x amount and he may eat x amount during visit. Or I haven't fed him, so he needs to eat x. I put a small can of formula in the bag, along with one bottle filled with 6 oz of water and let them scoop or feed however much. I tell worker, this is how much he can eat at a time, if given more he will spit up. I've also emailed worker letting them know how much he eats at a time to just have it in writing. I also attach a pacifier to his carseat, you know those strap type ones? This way everyone can see it's there.

It's a power struggle sometimes with the parents. Some of these things you need to let roll off you. Believe me, they bug the heck out of me, but I just let it go.

And with the notes, I do the same thing. I let the worker or transporter know I've written a note and here it is. Pls give it to bmom.

Try these things and see if it might work.

[shycar]

Its interesting to read about this. Here we are not allowed to bring a baby bag. B-parents must bring everything. I take my diaper bag with me, but it has my stuff in it too. If bparents forget anything then I will give them what they need, but my diaper bag must remain with me. They are very strict about this here. I had one case aid cancel a visit due to bparents repeatedly not bring a diaper bag. After that they brought everything the baby needed.

[CaddoRose]

I asked the CW to inform the parents that they needed to bring a diaper bag and all food for their children because it gives the parents a chance to show they are capable of taking care of their children or not. I always bring everything they need just in case the parents don't, but only the CW knows I have that in reserve. (I transport)
If they are capable, then they will bring everything to the visit and then there is nothing to complain about.

Let the CW know that the Mom can provide what they need for the visit and this will cut out her complaining about what is or isn't in there. Email a copy of the baby's schedule to the CW and at the next visit provide a hard copy for the Mom.

Some parents just complain because they want some control over things. It's just the way things are. Document everything you do. My agency requires us to fill out a sheet every week that includes poopy diapers, eating changes, dr appointments, any changes in anything, etc. It also has a place to fill out any interactions with the parents. I kept a running journal of the items the parents would bring to visits, including any items they brought for the kids and if the parents brought the diaper bag or not. Very useful stuff in court.

[Yash]

Originally Posted by Kat-L

Ugh. I had this one bio-mom who insisted on over-feeding the baby. Then she would complain that the baby always throws up at visits and must be sick. She would give her a huge bottle whether the baby was hungry or not. She also complained that the bottles were too cold (baby preferred room temperature). And would heat the bottles and the baby would get a sour stomach. So..I know what you're going through. I would send a note to the caseworker to ask Mom to bring her own diaper bag & supplies (pacifier, formula, bottle) etc so she always has what she needs on hand. Tell her you sent everything you thought she would need but you don't want to get in the middle of the mother's complaints. Tell her that you sending a diaper bag would result in further complaints because the mom sees you as an adversary. Therefore, in order to keep the peace and have a good relationship with mom, you want mom to supply her own diaper bag at visits. Really emphasize the point that you want to have a good relationship with mom so you're trying to come up with a solution that would not allow her to have these frivilous complaints about you. Tell cw that you are worried that baby's Mom may try to sabotage the placement and you want to keep things very smooth between you. If Mom gets the updates from the cw, she can't complain about your updates. Tell the cw that if contact stays between cw and b-mom she won't be able to create bad feelings between all the parties involved in the baby's care. This way, you would be preserving the placement for the baby's sake and reducing the conflict between you and baby's Mom.


I wouldn't do the phone calls, either (per your other thread). Keep contact between you and the caseworker. Your responsibility is the to the baby and then to the cw. You have no responsibility to the baby's mother-especially in cases where the Mom has issues.




Other than that, you just have to grin & bear it.

I completely agree.

[infoster]

When we were placed with our son at the age of 2 weeks old (he is now our son through adoption) I was told by DCS to not bring anything for his visits but him. It is the birth mother's responsibility to bring formula, diapers, wipes, bottles, pacifiers, blankets in adiaper bag to all of her visitations with her child. How else is she supose to learn how to care for her child on her own and show that she is going to support her baby? DCS was very strict with these rules. I always brought my own diaper bag of stuff of course so I was able to care for him when I picked him up. Also if the foster parent doesn't feel like talking to the bio parent or feels uneasy doing so she/he doesn't have to. You can tell the caseworker if its a supervised visit what you need to let the bio parent know.

[shavon]

They may bring thier own bag, but from my experience they never use any thing in it...

When little prince was still on formula and a bottle the bio dad would bring cups with kool aid in them..as you all know kool aid is around 30 cents a pack, formula is around $14 a can. So although he was "providing" he just wasnt being very responsible about what he provides and ,things have not changed since little prince has gotten older... He now brings kool aid and a little debbie cake for him to eat for lunch...wow sorry went a little off the rail there LOL...

Just act like mom knows best about everything that seems to keep the bio parents satisfied...

[thelowlanders]

I agree with having them bring their own diaper bag w/ everything they believe their child needs. But then I had a flashback.....

I had a mom bring her own stuff. She fed V8 fusion juice, plus formula, plus gerber graduates meals (which are for toddlers and High in sodium), plus whatever candy or frosting his sister stuffed in his mouth. EVERY time after visit he would either throw up or have huge diarreah. Very messy and we did this 2X a week. I informed CW and VIsit coor. but no one cared. We did this for months. So........On the day he was being switched to new foster mom, I fed him before visit. His mom proceeded to stuff him at visit, and ***bam*** puke everywhere AT visit all over his mom and sister instead of my house. They come running out panicking. OMG he's sick. We have to take him to the ER!!! He's never done this before!!! etc. New foster mom and I just calmly sat there (because I had forwarned her) and said "No...he does this after every visit. Like I said, he's being over fed and not fed BABY food." Guess what, they made the gorging stop for the new foster mom. So at least I stopped it for her

I dealt w/this with our FD also. Finally after she puked her cheetohs,m&m's, and bug juice all over herself and my car. i marched her right back in the office, puke and all and demanded to see the CW immediately. After months of this, on that day...it stopped.
* So basically, make sure any aftermath or problems are in front of the workers as much as possible. When THEY have to deal with it, Then it usually stops. Has been my experience.
Not trying to be negative here. Just that they get so busy, I'm sure a kid getting sick after every visit is on the smaller end of all the problems they have to deal with. So you have to make it part of their own day too.

[EandDmom]

Originally Posted by shavon

They may bring thier own bag, but from my experience they never use any thing in it...

When little prince was still on formula and a bottle the bio dad would bring cups with kool aid in them..as you all know kool aid is around 30 cents a pack, formula is around $14 a can. So although he was "providing" he just wasnt being very responsible about what he provides and ,things have not changed since little prince has gotten older... He now brings kool aid and a little debbie cake for him to eat for lunch...wow sorry went a little off the rail there LOL...

Just act like mom knows best about everything that seems to keep the bio parents satisfied...

LOL mine used to bring nacho chips and kool-aid. They finally have her feeding them decent food most of the time.

[chevyjewel]

Let the inquiring worker know what you are doing (as opposed to what mom is saying you're *not* doing) and then just let 'em roll



ETA - if you're still worried about it you could address every single issue in front of mom at visit time and make sure there's someone there to witness. For example, when you get there pull out the note and say here's a note for you about what he's been up to, pull out a copy of his schedule and say here's his schedule for you, pull out an 8 ounce bottle and say here's his ***8*** ounce bottle for you, and then pull out the paci and say here's his paci for you. I wanted to be sure you saw it's all there because I heard you couldn't locate some of those items the last time you had a visit. Is there anything else you need for him? If so absolutely just let me know!

Patronizing but it may just get her to stop what she's doing. She'll likely up the ante and find more to bring up, address the same way and sooner or later she WILL run out of things to report you for.