[Sooner]

Hello,

We are considering changing our status and I'm looking for advice or maybe your experiences.

We are finalizing adoption for our 3 yr old on Friday. This was a kinship placement so we changed our status at the beginning of the year to regular foster opening our home for new placements. This was after our IVF failed & we decided to move on to adoption through fostercare.

So we have been waiting for a placement for over 6 months & doing some healing. We have asked for a baby or a baby with a toddler aged sibbling as we feel this will be the best fit with our 3 yr old. We live in a rural county that doesn't have as many placements but are close to a larger city that has babies sitting in the hospital for weeks waiting for placement. So far our CW has been looking for children with a goal of TPR (only in our county) to lesson the risk of heartbreak. Which does scare me but we have been waiting so long that we are considering changing to regular foster care & taking the risk. I know the heart break would be so painful. There were several times in the last 3 yrs we thought we might loose our little man & that was HARD. I also know in my heart there is a little out there that needs us as much as we need them, for whatever amount of time.

So I am wondering if you would A) continue to wait or B) take the risk?

Thanks in advance. You are the only people I know that would truly understand this decision.

[tinatyme]

I understand what a difficult this is for you and your family. It is a very personal decision though. Those of us that do foster and foster/adopt go through a lot of ups and downs and a lot of pain. For me, the pain (so far) has been worth it because of the crazy joy and happiness that I have also experienced. Another family though with a different composition or different past experiences might not have felt the same . . . and that is understandable. It sounds like you have already gotten a glimpse of the uncertainty and the difficult gut wrenching moments that come with being a foster parent. I would encourage you to try and keep an open mind during the process and really try to gauge how it is affecting your family, your marriage, and your personal well being. After the placement of my daughter (our first placement) I knew that I had made the right decision for me. It hasn't been easy though but I was called to be her mother.

Good luck in whatever path you choose!

[TxMom65]

I think that only you and your husband can make the decision. If you do decide to foster you have to remember that the goal in the beginning is RU. Yes, you will want to keep that baby, of course. Some people can do this and do it well.

I don't really know what I would do. Me, I would probably take the chance. It doesn't mean that you should. I hope you find peace in any decision that you make.

[dachshunds4you]

I agree with Tina...it really comes down to it being a personal decision. We do it, it's hard, but we know the goal is always RU. It's not always easy. The first one is the hardest...the one that stays the longest is hard as well.

I'd rather have a child in my home for a short time, than have no one in my home as I wait for the ideal situation. It's a risk we take, but it has so many rewards, that to us, it's totally worth it.

Best to you!

[Yash]

I tried straight fostering once and loved the girl I picked up from the hospital, but I knew this wasn't the route for me. I was sad to see her go after three months, but from the experience I knew I was no Tina or some of the other incredibly cool women I know who foster like rock stars. Since I had my son and his adoption was finalized, I thought it was best for me, for him, for our family for us to just wait for fost/adopt situations only.

Does your state allow you to fost/adopt children in other counties? If you were willing to transport for visits?

[Prettyboicris]

Originally Posted by Sooner

So I am wondering if you would A) continue to wait or B) take the risk?

Thanks in advance. You are the only people I know that would truly understand this decision.

My wife and I have been discussing this because even though we haven't been waiting long, we wanted to discuss if we would consider B and at what point in our wait would we do that. It's a tough decision. My wife said that it would be heartbreaking to have a child in our home for months even years and then have to let them go. I understand her concern. At the same time I told her that I have Faith and who knows we may get a child that we end up keeping or we may get a child that isnt right for us and they are better off going to family so it will be easier to le them go. I am a man that likes to make lists since I have a tendency to Rationalize things. What are your personal Pros and cons for each. Also if you do decide on A it might be worth discussing at what point to consider option B. Another thing is just because you get a call for a Foster placement does not mean you have to take it. If it sounds like the child will be leaving really soon then in that case you might want to say no. If it seems like things will be a while then you might consider saying Yes and playing it by ear. Many Teens who are in Foster care have been in the system since they were under 4 years of age but the cases dragged out and they stayed in "Foster only" homes. I can see both sides of the situation. Look at the statistics for where you live and go by that. My area has a high rate of TPR for children that come into care and especially AA children. They have all these initiatives to keep families together that they only take children in "Extreme" cases, which means that the children who do find their way into care are more likely to be TPR'd than RU. That is just where I live. I have been told this by workers and have looked at the statistics too. You have to see what is true for where you live and it sounds like it might be since you mention children sitting in hospitals for weeks.
Right now we are willing to wait but once a certain amount of time passes we are going to reassess the situation.

Best of luck to you

[GoddessDanu]

We're doing both actually. We're working with an adoption worker who has been sending out our home study for sibling groups we're interested. We've been waiting, waiting, and waiting.

At the same time, we opened our home to do foster care. We have 1 placement right now, our "Frank the Tank." His case plan says RU is the goal and we support that. However, if something happens that makes RU impossible, we're open to the possibility of adoption. In my mind, you have to support RU the best you can and always keep in your mind that your placement will go home otherwise you're just setting yourself up for heartache. If it turns out that your placement gets to stay, what a lovely surprise that would be.

[Nevada Jen]

Another thing you might consider doing to get some kids in your home is open up to situations you KNOW will be temporary. Here we have what is called "shelter care" status. The purpose of which is to get babies out of hospitals and temporary shelters until they can find a long term placement for them.

I have a four year old and I know HE could not handle long term foster care sibs where HE might lose them. I am thinking maybe when he is 6 or so he will be able to understand the concept of fostercare better and be able to handle a child leaving us.

Just something to think about.

[Sooner]

Thanks guys. After much deliberation I think we are ready to take the plunge. We both feel like that is the only way we are going to find that little one that needs us most. Please add us to your prayers. Our workers surpervisor recommended that she go outside the county if we don't have a placement in the next week or so. Sounds like things could move fast from here, woohoo.

[Prettyboicris]

Originally Posted by Sooner

Thanks guys. After much deliberation I think we are ready to take the plunge. We both feel like that is the only way we are going to find that little one that needs us most. Please add us to your prayers. Our workers surpervisor recommended that she go outside the county if we don't have a placement in the next week or so. Sounds like things could move fast from here, woohoo.

I wish you and your family all the best. Keep us posted on how things go.