[GoddessDanu]

So we brought "Frank the Tank" home today. He's HUGE! Forget the 3-4 day transition I had in mind, his foster mom wanted him gone tonight. Hmm......

Anyway, we were chatting with the foster mom and she said two things that upset me.

1. She said the biomom calls her every single night to see how he's doing and she wanted to give her my phone number so she could call me as well. Um....no.

2. Then she said the worker was hoping I'd agree to home visits. WHAT?!?! Um......NO!!!! What's wrong with the visitor center we have in town?

The worker didn't tell me any of this. The truth is that I'm not comfortable dealing with the biomom at all. I fully support her trying her best to get her child back but I just don't feel like it's my job to monitor visits or reassure her on a daily basis that her child is fine and she's a wonderful person. My job is to make sure her child is safe, healthy, and on time to whatever visits or appointments are scheduled. Besides, I run a daycare and I seriously doubt my clients will be happy with this woman spending time in my home with their children around.

Am I wrong? How involved are you with the bioparents of your foster children?

BTW, Frank is doing well. He is such a happy fat baby.

[Newshyde]

I wouldn't agree to that. I've had my current kiddos 9 months and the parents still don't have my phone number. Their number keeps changing so I think the one I have for them is a few numbers old, but I have agreed to call them on some occasions, ie to update after a serious illness, to let them know we are safe and back after traveling out of state, etc.
For me, the bioparents have to show they are stable and doing well and that I can trust them with my phone number. I always block my number when I call.
As for my house, I would be so uncomfortable with that.
With my last placement, when he was being given to his grandma from another state, she would come out for weekend visits and she stayed in a hotel, but spent most of the time at my house. At that point we had talked on the phone a ton, and had met once in a neutral place when we happened to be visiting friends only 2 hours from her house a few months before. I actually gave her my phone number two days before she arrived at my house. Once that information is given out, I feel like I've lost control and in these situations, I need to hold onto whatever small amount of control that I have!
Good luck.

[CaddoRose]

I would not allow visits at my house because it puts me in a situation of authority or control over the parents and I'm not trained to do that. I also don't want the parents to know where I live or what my phone number is. They can call the CW to ask questions and find out anything else during the regular visit time.

I don't mind transporting to the visit because it gives me the opportunity to know the parents and it's convenient for me as my parents live close and I can go visit them while the children are in the visit. I only transport though if the visit is at a time when I can transport.

As for the daily phone calls; I don't talk on the phone to anyone but my family every day. I have a very busy schedule and it doesn't include taking time away from my family(including the foster children) to talk to a parent. If a foster child is old enough to talk on the phone to a parent and the judge orders phone calls, then I'm ok with it, but what on earth would you say everyday about a baby, they pooped and ate today?

Since you run a daycare at home, your situation is probably different from the other foster home and you can explain that to the CW. She knew going in that your home was different and you just have to stand your ground about allowing the parents too much access to your personal info and home.

[EandDmom]

Well, since biomom has threatened to kill us she is forbidden to know any of our info. Even if she hadn't been stupid enough to threaten us I would not have wanted her to know my phone number. I have enough going on in my life taking care of her 3 small kids and my 2 to have time to chit chat whenever she wanted to call me. Visits in my home? No way in heck..she and all her family are drug addicts sorry if it sounds harsh but its true the last thing I need is my house broken into to steal our stuff to buy drugs. Don't mean to ruffle feathers with such a bold across the board statement but the majority of her family and friends are criminals as well as drug addicts. Please don't think I am lumping all bio parents into crimal status..just this one.

[Yes2Kids]

Wow, I have never had a SW ask for visitsto be at my home. i would never agree to that. I do not want them knowing where I live. I do want to get to know them, but like CaddoRose, that is why I like to transport. That is where I spend a few minutes letting them know how child id and what they have been doing, and I give them pictures occasionly.

I feel it is my job to take care of child, not bioparents, that is what I am trained for We had one biofamily get our phone number and started calling, and the SW told them they are NOT to contact us at all.

[HopefulInTN]

We are foster-to-adopt, but we have been firm in telling our agency that we will not do visits in our home, that we don't want the BPs to have our phone number, and that we don't want to monitor visits. The CW has to. Both of us work outside the home, so it's easier for us to have the CW do it anyway.

We are doing long term foster care and foster-to-adopt only. So far, the agency has accommodated us. I don't want to sound harsh, but we are fostering the children, not the parents. I have friends who have been more accommodating with the BPs and they have been put through the ringer.

[Prettyboicris]

I would NEVER allow visits in my home!
Goddess I am really excited for you and all but the whole issue of his previous fmom wanting him gone " right way" raises some red flags to me. Was it because of him or his bmom? ( You don't have to answer this just food for thought)

[7brats]

When my girls were placed I thought mon was so nice.I even cried when she was her girls right after they wer placed with me.I told her to do her best to get her kids back,hugged her.She had just fallen on hard times and I thought something was wrong.I wanted her to come to our home and see her girls.

I was wrong, this girl ended up threatend my family TWICE !!! Wanted to burn down C & Y!!! IT WAS HORRIBLE !!!!

DO NOT DO IT!!!!

[stevenstwin]

It really disturbs me that this is becoming the trend. In our case, we were pretty close with "extended" bios - phone calls, email, Facebook, and they dropped by a few times when in town. But the bios he was actually REMOVED from...no WAY! I don't really feel they were dangerous (really nasty and unpleasant, but not dangerous), but one reason that sounds terrible is that they are absolutely filthy, stinky people. The lack of hygiene in their home was actually one reason for the removal of the children, so there is no chance on earth I want them in my house sitting on my furniture. Plus, after hearing all the details of what they did to that kid in the course of 8 years, I can't look at them without disgust, so it wouldn't be a very positive meeting all around ;-) The only time I was in the same room with them was at the TPR trial where we pointedly ignored each other.

[GoddessDanu]

Thank you all for your support. I'm going to let the worker know today that DH and I discussed it and we're just not open to that kind of arrangement. No home visits and no phone calls. Period. If they remove Frank then that's what they have to do.

[snc2007]

I definitely wouldn't allow her to come to your home especially since you have a daycare.
There may be certain situations where you'll feel comfortable with a visit in your home in the future - but not this time!

[shaslove]

We had the phone numbers of the fosters, since we were the eventual kinship placement. Never went to thier houses though.

Now that we are the placement, out family has our numbers, but they do not know where I live. I prefer it that way.

Visits are being done at a center-they wanted us to supervise, but I refused. I am not telling my relatives what to do!

Def not at your house. Period.

[quiescentfury]

Let me start by saying we are in an open adoption with our daughters bmom. They were with us as foster kids for 2 years before adoption. We really like bmom, we get along, she is 100% supportive of us, BUT I would not do visits in my home. I am fine with weekly phone calls, but not everyday. No to everyday phone calls, not because of the reasons you gave but they are a pain and prevent you from living your life.

[birdiebabee]

I would never supervise a visit. That isn't my place. Phone calls have never been mentioned. We transport to and from the visits and that has made the transition for the kids VERY easy and smooth. They are happy to see me when I pick them up and no more tears or crying. Starting in February the birth parents were permitted, and required, to attend all of their doctor appointments. We average three a week...sometimes more...sometimes less. The BD only goes if it's on a Monday (because he is off of work) but birthmom goes to all the others. I was nervous at first and it was awkward at the first appointment but it's a piece of cake now. She really likes us and tells me all the time how happy she is that her kids ended up with us. I don't worry about her doing anything stupid at the doctor visits. The parents even walk us to our car after weekly visits and put the kids in. They have 6 kids altogether and we only have three of them. I know they aren't going to risk never seeing their other three to snatch the boys up or anything like that. Now if TPR is granted I am going to request at the goodbye visit that CPS make the parents stay upstairs until we are in the car and gone. At that point I don't know what the parents will do knowing they will never see their kids again.

[Biblemom]

No daily phone calls or no to phone calls at all? I am all for BP not having my number, but have done calls where I block my number and then call them twice a week.