[GoddessDanu]

I live in a town of about 70,000 people. Everyone knows everyone. I got a call today from a friend and she said her mom was telling her about the niece of a friend of hers. Apparently this niece is the mother of the twins DH and I had last weekend. My friend told me she didn't tell her mom that DH and I were the twins foster parents but she said her mother told her that the girls lived in horrible conditions with their biomom.

I felt SO sad. I liked thinking that they went home to a clean house, a loving family, etc. I know that's not the reality of it but that really helped me move on and mentally prepare for the next placement.

Do any of you live in small towns? How do you deal with friends or family potentially knowing who the biofamily of your placements are? How do you react when you see your ex-foster kids and their families at the grocery store or post office? I'd appreciate your stories.

[fostapeepz]

That would be really hard. :-(

I laughed when I read 70,000 as your description of a small town, though. We foster in an area of about 4000 (town is only 2000). So 70,000 seems HUGE to me!

So far we have never had a call for anyone we know - but we did offer our home for someone we knew through school. Thankfully the kids were never pulled, but we figured it would be an easier transition for them to go somewhere where they knew people (and kids). Most of our calls come from the big city (which is a whopping 50,ooo).

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by fostapeepz

That would be really hard. :-(

I laughed when I read 70,000 as your description of a small town, though. We foster in an area of about 4000 (town is only 2000). So 70,000 seems HUGE to me!
).

Yes, I was thinking the same thing! :-) Our FS's dad lived half a block away and he can see our house from his....so I've gotten very used to the whole idea of everyone knowing everything. I often think about that, too, when people on the board are very worried about ift the bios will find their address!

[Withay]

The town of 70,000 that the op lives in has a very small town feel to it. Even though the population is 70,000 it would be considered a big town, not a city in her area state.

[CaddoRose]

On the US census a town between 20,00 and 65,000 is called mid-sized. I must live in a Hamlet because there roughly 8,000 poeple here. We have 4 red lights and a Walmart. One elem, middle and high school. Within 3 blocks of my house there are four churches. I live in near downtown in old residential. Everybody really does know everybody else it seems.

The next town over is 15 miles a way and it has 25,000. It has several elementary schools, but only one middle and one HS. Most of our kids come from there, but it is the place to shop, so I go there a lot. I have yet to see any of my previous foster kids parents, but we did run into the parents of a girl we had for respite at the local Walmart. The parents were nice an we told our FD to go and see them, but we stood right there in the aisle with her. No problems though.

I think if we had older kids we would encounter this more because of school. Since we have only had under 4's so far, it's unlikely to find someone who might know them.

[humanchild]

I just want to say... this is not ALWAYS a small town problem. I live in a town of 8,000, but I am certified through the county, and the county I live in has about 730,000 people. All of my placements so far have come from the city, and so had to change school districts when they move to my house. Still, the last placement I had on 4 different occasions when we were out to eat or out shopping someone would come up to me and say they knew the kids and ask where their biosiblings were and how they were doing. I never gave specific answers, I just said I only have these two with me right now and we were just enjoying dinner, it was nice to meet you. They all got the hint pretty quickly that I was not interested in talking, which was good. I also ran into those same kids out in the community with their biodad after they went home. They saw me first, and came running over, so I just hugged them and said I was happy to see them and asked how they were doing. It was hard, I cried afterwards, because I had been so in love with those kids and I grieved a lot when they left, and so seeing them when I least expected it just brought up all those feelings. I know their home life is not what I would want for them, but I try to tell myself they are safe and happy and at least all the siblings are together now which is not something I could ever have given them.

[greenrobin]

Caddo, I had to stop and count the red lights in my town, because I think we might live pretty darn close to each other!

Yep, my town has around 7000 folks. That's seven thousand. I'd feel like I was living in the big city with 70,000! And yes, everyone knows everyone. We even refer to folks' homes by the former owner's name as in, "Oh, yes, he lives in the Doc Jones house." Most people are related in some way, shape or form, except for us because we're new--we've only been here 15 years!

So far, because of the small population, we haven't fostered anyone from our county. If I did, then I'd know their entire life story before they even got here. I've had placements from 3 different counties. Our very first placement was known by many, many folks in our town--she'd gone to school here before I knew her from teaching in another town. It caused quite a stir based on her personal history with others. There wasn't much we could do, just smile and roll on. She eventually moved to a shelter in our town.

She didn't leave on good terms--made false accusations against my son. The interesting part was that because we were known here (even though we were newbies!) and so was she, our neighbors and friends were very supportive.

[GoddessDanu]

You guys are so funny.

I'm originally from Los Angeles so 70,000 feels so small to me! lol I can't imagine only 7000 or 8000.

[mellaf]

My hometown fluctuates between 3,000 and 5,000 (depending on whether the college is in session or not).

It has 1 red light. My high school graduating class had 49 people. People joked that I am related to half the town---and I am! There is 1 elementary, middle and high school, and they're all in the same complex. Middle schoolers and high schoolers share the gym, lunchroom, auditorium and classrooms.

No wonder why I found my hubby online 11 years ago! lol.

I've since moved to another state, but go back and visit once in awhile. Nothings' changed much since I left. My new town has a lot more people and I do miss the small-town feel sometimes. When you come from a tiny place like I did, bigger cities seem so impersonal.

[snc2007]

Under 3000 in my town - I just googled it! I am licensed for the county though (which is huge areawise.) So I always ask where the parents live and do not accept placements when they are very near. The down side to this is when I take a placement from a far corner of the county it can take up to two hours roundtrrip for visits.

I think I have come across at least one person who knows each of my placements so far. Mostly it's no problem but there was one particular mother who I had never met before but had seen without her knowing. She was considered dangerous and I was warned not to have any contact with her. So imagine my surprise when I went to pick up a pizza and there she was behind the counter! I was so glad she didn't know me b/c her son was out in the car with dh. And it was a place we had taken him to previously. I can't imagine the scene there would have been if she had been there one day while we were there with him. So I always get as much info on the family as possible to avoid these situations. I wish we had six degrees of seperation here. I'm lucky if it's two!

So be extremely careful with the info you share with your family and friends. That's why I'm glad I can come to the forums for advice and venting!

[naca]

I had to google to get my town's population- just under 6,000.. With that said, I've never fostered from this town. My placements have all been from my old county... however, that town is just as small and you can't go anywhere w/o someone wondering if that's not so&so's kid??

[fostapeepz]

Our girls are from, what we consider, the big city (they have a walmart, so that's big to us!!). I am not only worried about running in to bio-family or friends of theirs, there - but they also have a lot of memories associated with there. So for now I try to avoid taking them when I go shopping. We have another city that is the same distance, in the opposite direction, that I go to if I have to take the kids with me.

[joskimo]

we're small town - about 30,000 - we run into bio famly all the time on outings. I don't think they know it but we live 1/2 mile away. We know people who know the bios and will hear of things going on. It's a little disconcerting.

[GoddessDanu]

See, this exact thing happened to me today. I was chatting with a friend and she told me about a friend of hers who she met up with this past Saturday at a party. Well guess what? Her friend is the biomom of the twins! My friend doesn't know I had fostered the twins for a weekend (and I wasn't about to tell her) so she was telling me ALL about why they were taken away. She also told me that biomom showed up to the party high. It made me angry and sad at the same time. What can I possibly do with that information? Absolutely nothing. Poor girls, I hope they're ok.

Originally Posted by joskimo

we're small town - about 30,000 - we run into bio famly all the time on outings. I don't think they know it but we live 1/2 mile away. We know people who know the bios and will hear of things going on. It's a little disconcerting.

[Sooner]

LOL, yep I had to check our towns website bcuz we only have 1 stop light. I think I may get the prize for the smallest, teheheh, only 2,200 here. The only reason we have the stop light is due to the two highways that intersect in town. No walmart, have to go about 25 minutes for that but we have probably 8 or 10 churches. Can you tell I live in the bible belt!!! We do live about an hour either direction to large metroplexes. That's why I love it here, we have our privacy & all the conviences within reach.

Regarding the OP, we are a kinship placement currently. Less than 2 weeks until we finalize the adoption though, woohoo!! So, yes it is hard when you know the environment they could be going back to. We knew all too well what he would be faced with if that happened & it was terrifying. Not to mention that we knew they would use him as a pawn against us.

I'm not sure if it is better to KNOW or NOT KNOW, to be honest. We have changed our status to open our home to non-kinship placements & I have wondered about that. Because we were envolved & often knew what was going on we could report things to the CW.