[Heather5458]

Here is some background. I have had C for almost 2 weeks, he was an emergency placement. He is 13 months old and has been the most difficult child I have had to deal with (I have only been doing this for 18 months and had 6 other placements). I was called by my sister and asked if I would take another placement because a co-worker of hers was upset that CPS was taking her grandchild. I was under the impression that it would not be a long term thing and that g-ma would soon get custody. The placement desk okayed it and I picked him up from the social worker a few hours later. He was still being breast fed and wants to be held constantly. He gets up 3 times a night and it takes 30 min. to get him back to sleep. He is also teething and just seems miserable. I have done nothing but hold C for the past 2 weeks. I also have a 15 month old fc and an 11 year old ad. I am single and work full time. Add to the issue that his sw has not contacted me since I picked C up and that they have changed his visits numerous times without telling me. I have had to cancel both a dr and a dentist appointment because there was a change in the scedule I did not know of. After every visit g-ma calls my sister and complains about the normal things: a bug bite, a scratch, diaper rash, ckothing.... My stress level is through the roof, I have not got a decent night sleep in days and I feel guilty that I want C to go somewhere else. Plus I know a move would not be good for C and neither would a weekend in respite So, any suggestions?

[mommy2fiveplus]

MAybe you could let the CW know what is going on and how stressed you are. If they are going to move C to g'ma anyway, maybe they will put a rush on it. I don't know about your state, but here in Michigan a relative can take placement of a child prior to getting their foster license as long as they have the license complete within 30 days. ( and they alwasy rush the relative placement license through)

[fredalina]

i'd hang in there a little while longer. Like you said, if gma is getting C, moving him now would not be good. The first few weeks are always tough. i'd probably treat him like a newborn (not literally, but schedule-wise) and ease into a schedule. Can you get a Baby Bjorn or other type carrier so you can walk around without having to CARRY him? A baby sling has been a lifesaver with D, who is a newborn and drug-exposed and didn't want to be put down at all at first. At that age he may not take to a carrier, but he may.

i would definitely talk to the caseworker about what's going on with the various pressures, though. The CW can make things easier with appointments and things. And i'd probably ask if s/he can speak to the gma about the complaints and pressures. She's probably very frustrated with the fact that her gchild is in care and that she can't take the child right away and has to go through all the paperwork and training (in my state gparents/other relatives go through the same home study process with regular foster parents, and in my classes the gparents were the ones who complained the most), and is taking it out on the wrong person. If the CW speaking to her doesn't help, i'd ask for a face-to-face meetng. i definitely wouldn't involve my sister, though, as she is already too much in the middle.

[mrstkg1]

I don't know. He sounds like a really unhappy camper and you sound like this is putting you at a raw edge. I know people hate to disrupt, but I would consider it. There may be another home that may be better suited to whatever is going on with him and I could not personally do what you are doing. My husband and I decided recently after our last placement, which we should have disrupted at 2 weeks, but hung for 7 months, that we are going to be honest about what we can handle and what we want to handle and when we find it out it's too much, we are going to let those situations go. We have a small adopted daughter now and it's just too hard on us as a family to hang on to situations that just don't work.

[AmahMama]

I can see both sides of the issue... while it isn't good to move child around - it isn't good for you to be under a boatload of stress - As op said - maybe contacting cw with issues would be a first start... let her know that stresses (visits, complaints, etc) are getting out of hand . . . and another avenue needs to be looked at ... now... maybe she (it's a long shot) will expidite any moves that are already in the works (but.... if gma hasn't mentioned placement - she may not be in the plans for some unknown reason). If you cna get no answers ~ and the stress level doesn't decline ~ disrupt. It will be better for you, your family, and for the child. It is possible that that C is very stressed himself and will not calm until something a little closer to his known routine (maybe not day care, only child, etc) can be found for him. It is suprising that he still has not calmed a bit after 2 weeks. Is the transition from being weaned complete? Teething is many times a huge issue - he doesn't know why he is in all this pain---- the teeth, the new home, the new caregiver, the new routine.... poor guy - - - and poor you too!!! I feel for you both!

[Withay]

I actually had a little girl a few years ago that I thought was an adorable child. The only thing was that every, and I do mean every, time she looked at me she started screaming. She wouldn't eat, take a bottle or sleep. She was about 13 months old.

I talked with my certifier about it and we agreed I would keep at it to see if it got better. One day I had to be at the dhs office and my certifier happened by. I was holding the little girl on my lap, facing away from me. I told my certifier to watch, turned the child around and as soon as she saw me she started screaming. My certifier was astonished. I had fostered almost 100 children by then and had never had that reaction by any of them. She asked what was going on and I told her I didn't know. It had been that way since day one (she had been with me for 3 weeks by then). My certifier agreed that the little girl needed to be moved (for her emotional health). Apparently I reminded her too much of someone who had caused her great trauma.

Anyway, long story short, later that day a new foster family came to my home with my certifier to pick her up. She would be their very first placement. She went right to the foster mom, leaned in, smiled and went to sleep. They are now in the process of adopting her.

Sometimes it isn't anything that you are doing, but rather that something about you reminds the child of someone who traumatized them. It could be something as simple as your haircut, voice, build, etc. All this to say that there are times when it is actually better for the child to disrupt and move them than to have the foster family keep trying. Good luck.

[stevenstwin]

My first thought was that it has only been 2 weeks, give it time. But I bet 2 weeks feels like a really LONG time to live that way, doesn't it? I would guess that this is having a big impact on your other two children, especially the toddler. This might be just too much for everyone, and a disruption after 2 weeks will probably be a lot less damaging than one later on.

[greenrobin]

Little Man had a reaction to me that was exactly like Withay talked about. He was a total screamy thing but only with me. He loved dh, big brothers, the sisters, everyone but me. I worried about him. He came to us with his 3 sisters. It was all or none.

About 2 weeks into the placement I was exhausted.

One day I came home and he ran to me, jumped into my lap, leaned back on me and literally sighed in contentment. Just crossed his little ankles and sat there until I had to make supper.

To this day I don't know what changed, but it was awesome.

On the day they left, he went ballistic, trying to climb out of his carseat, screaming and reaching for me. It broke my heart to not be able to comfort him. The sw who was transporting them couldn't really believe that all of the kids had gotten so attached in only 6 weeks.

But then, they were exceptionally great kids!

I saw him a couple of months ago, back in care and 2 years older. He's a chubby, happy little boy who toddles around and plays. He looked at me like he remembered something but couldn't quite put his finger on it.

Some kids fit immediately. Some take a while. Some never do. The decision to move a child is hard, but you know what's right for your family. Don't feel guilty over it.