[mommy09]

We took in new FD (she's 11) on Monday and we are dealing with some real separation issues. FD was placed with us after her former FP decided to retire. FP do not really want to continue the relationship and FD is having a very hard time accepting this... She is calling them a lot and wanting to go to their house to visit. They tell her no and I'm left to deal with a very devastated little girl. Her SW is telling me not to let her call them...Which Ive had to cut down on her phone calls. It's so sad. She cries about everything. She won't even sleep in her own room.... Her therapist says that this is normal. I'm trying everything I can do to be there for her and keep her busy.... I need advice.... HELP....

[mrstkg1]

Wow, that is really tough. Since she is older, do you think she would enjoy journaling about her thoughts and feelings. You could take her to look at journals and pick one out she likes. If you have a local Tuesday morning, they have great ones for only a few dollars. Along that same line, I would suggest painting. She's old enough not to make a total disaster of things. You can her repaint old objects like a garage sale mirror that's yellow, she can repaint it white and maybe decorate it with glitter or buttons or stickers or something and use it in her room. These kinds of projects might help her cope with her emotion while doing something fun also. Hopes this helps.

[quiescentfury]

Journaling was HUGE for my girls 11 and 13. Also writing letters. Everytime she wants to call have her write a letter to them instead. This let her share her feelings with them. Even if they never get mailed she is gettineg her feelings out.

[GoddessDanu]

I agree with keeping a journal. I've had one ever since I was 9 or 10. You also might want to get her involved in a hobby (maybe guitar lessons?) and encourage her to write her feelings into a song or poem. You can have her make a little book where she writes a story about how sad she is and make illustrations. Drawing always helped me feel better when I was a kid. I'm surprised her therapist isn't suggesting these things.

[mommy09]

Journaling sounds like a good way for her to get her feelings out. Do any of you have any ideas for getting her to sleep in her own room... She's been on the couch for a week and refuses to really even go in there. She says her stuff just reminds her too much of her past fp.
I suggested inviting her friend to come over for a slumber party as a way to get her to sleep in there... Any other suggestions????????????? Thanks

[txwannabemom]

Could you ask her which things are making her uncomfortable? And then remove those things- letting her watch you put them in a clear bin. So she know they are not being thrown away. The bin could "live right outside the door and she could bring things in when she is ready. move the couch into her room temporarily? that may be a stretch but what ever works.

[mommy2fiveplus]

This might sound kind of silly, but coloring always seems to help. I'm 27 and I still like the feel of crayons going across paper. It soothes me, and when I need to think but also need to "do something" with my hands it is a great mindless thing to distract me. It doesn't require a lot of concentration so I can let my thoughts wander and figure stuff out in my head.

I do this with my kids (ages 18mos-7y) when they are upset and don't want to talk about it. I was watching one of my mom's fkids (age 16) about 6 mos ago and we ran into a snag, he missed my mom and didn't like the rules at my house, wanted to go home (my mom's) and was raging around the house. I drug out the coloring books and box of crans, sat down at the table and we just colored in silence. 30 mins later the problem was solved (in his head) and we wnet on witht the day.

[mommy09]

Could you ask her which things are making her uncomfortable? And then remove those things- letting her watch you put them in a clear bin. So she know they are not being thrown away. The bin could "live right outside the door and she could bring things in when she is ready. move the couch into her room temporarily? that may be a stretch but what ever works.

I thought this was a good idea too. But when I suggested maybe putting some stuff away for a little while she got upset. And when I asked her what we could maybe change to make it a little more comfortable she responded " I don't wanna change a thing". I think her sleeping on the couch is her way of resisting the move. By not sleeping in her room she is making it clear she's just a guest. I talked to her SW about it and she agreed. She is still set in her mind that she's going back to fp. I think that she believes that she can win back their approval and they will take her back. It breaks my heart. And I feel like I am just hitting up against a brick wall.
Everything I do she rudely tells me I'm doing wrong and her former fm does right. I buy the wrong bread, bacon, butter, jelly , go to the wrong church, live in the wrong town.. I don't even want to cook dinner in front of her any more. I know that I need to be patient and that she'll come around, but I'm starting to get a little tired. I need prayer...

[mommytoEli]

prayers to you then. how traumatic and devastating this must all be to her, and how difficult it must be for you to deal with those emotions. i am sorry, and i will pray that she will become more settled in and comfortable very soon.....and for some energy for you.

[Lorraine123]

I will be in the minority here. This sounds like manipulation to me. Yes, she probably is sad, but she sees that she can control things through that. I do not believe that an 11 year old should be deciding where to sleep. I would take all her stuff and put it in the garage, don't get rid of it. Then she needs to sleep in her room. I also would not allow her to be rude to you or compare you to her previous FM. When she feels that way, I would have her write it in her journal, but disrespect should not be allowed. This child sounds extremely controlling. IMO - if you just wait and let her come around, she will escalate and it will be disasterous.

[MamaS]

Everytime she tells you you do something "wrong" simply smile and say -- "We do things differently from what you have been used to but there are many right ways to do things." Or, if you can endure it, say "Why don't you come and show me how you like your pbj sandwiches made?" You are not denying her feelings, but you are not going to cater to them either.

[mommy09]

This sounds like manipulation to me. Yes, she probably is sad, but she sees that she can control things through that. I do not believe that an 11 year old should be deciding where to sleep. I would take all her stuff and put it in the garage, don't get rid of it. Then she needs to sleep in her room. I also would not allow her to be rude to you or compare you to her previous FM. When she feels that way, I would have her write it in her journal, but disrespect should not be allowed. This child sounds extremely controlling. IMO - if you just wait and let her come around, she will escalate and it will be disasterous.

The more I'm around her I see that see is manipulative. For example, me and my husband go to a certain church and she wants us to go to the church that her and her fp went to so she can see them. I told her that me and my husband already go to a certain church. Well, she threw a fit. She started crying and arguing that she HAS to go to that church!!! Last night I was making BLTs for dinner and she stood there and complained about the bread, the bacon and the mayo (she wants white I use buttermilk!). I told her that I do things a little different and she started the whole crying thing again and leaves the room. I just ignore her and in a little while she comes back and tries it again... In one breath she tells me that fp taught her to eat healthy then she demands that I buy her white bread and change from generic brands to name brands just because that's what they do! I'm really working on keeping my cool and firmly responding nicely.... But not giving in and changing the way my home runs...

[Lorraine123]

I'm thinking that you posted previously that this child has oppositional defiant disorder. If that is the case, she is compelled to disagree with you. Give her choices, but do not give into her demands. She will escalate the demands if you do. Like when going to church ask her "Do you want to wear this dress or that one when we go to church?". "Do you want mayonaisse on your sandwich or do you prefer it without?". Any good ODD kid will choose something you didn't offer, but just repeat the choices. You must be firm.

[mommy09]

Thank goodness! She slept in her own room last night no arguments !!!!!

[Shesalmost18]

Could you take her grocery shopping with you and give her a list of say five things she can get - whatever brand she wants - the bread, the bacon, the mayo - so she'll feel like she has some control? It may cost a bit more but at least she can have some control and can't complain about that?