[Yes2Kids]

I know a lot of people are going through this, but here is my problem..we are soon to be losing FS who has been in our home for 10 months. I knew this would be hard when we got into fostering, but my problem is with our three year old AD.

I have been trying to prepare her a little, just by saying he will be going home soon..I don't really know what to say to her...at first she would say she wants to go home, so I explain she will never have to leave, we are her mommy and daddy..but I am beginning to see that she is going to take him leaving pretty hard.

A transporter picked him up today for his visit (which was unusal, I ususally take him), I think she thought he was leaving for good, she kept asking where he was, and then she started crying saying she just wanted "her friend"..

I guess I am wondering how you all handle this with your smaller children that don't really understand? Anything else I could do to help her?

I was also wondering for all you that have been fostering a while, that may have had your children grow up with other children coming and going from their lives, how it may have impacted them, negitively and positively...I know we are doing the right thing, I love these kids..but I fell so bad sometimes for what I may be doing to AD.

Thanks for advice..I really need it!!

[msgypsylee]

My FD, who I had from age 1 month to 11 mos left in April. I also have an AS age 2.5 (almost 3). Once I saw that the case was really heading toward RU I started talking about her mother and how she would go live with her mommy one day. I talked about it all of the time. I told him that she had another mommy and was staying with us while her mommy got better. I stressed to him how I was his mommy and he would always be with me just like she would go be with her mommy. The advance prep really helped him cope when she left.

On a side note, I developed a good relationship with birth mom and FD has already been here for one weekend visit and will be coming again for this long weekend. I know this is not possible in all cases but for us its working and this helps my son too knowing he will see her again from time to time.

As for the aftermath with my son. He is doing fine with her gone. He misses her but is really enjoying our time together. Now I can spend all of my time with him and its been good for both of us. I do have to say though, I am really wrestling with whether I will take another placement. I have put my house on hold for a few months and may extend it longer. I worry that multiple placements/losses may be too much for my son. I always envisioned myself with a houseful of adopted kids but I may be stopping at one. At least for now.

[Jensboys]

My youngest son was almost 5 when the baby left that had been in our home for the previous year. His grief and loss have been enormous and for all intents and purposes (despite the fact he had regular interactions with baby's bio family) that she was his SISTER and his grief and loss have been exactly that of a child who loses a sibling to death.

Be prepared, it has been a 2 year long process of him grieving (he is now 8) and he still regularly talks about her coming back, misses her, and considers her a full fledged but absent member of our family. My 3 older sons still talk about her regularly, but have a far greater emotional understanding of the loss we went through and the reasons for it.

[ranoutofnames]

We just went through something similar in October. My youngest daughter was 3yrs (turning 4 soon but emotionally more a 3yr old). Our foster daughter had lived with us for 2 years... since my daughter was just barely 2 years old. My daughter had never known life without foster sister that was a year younger than her.

We talked a lot about the other child having another mommy and daddy. When she'd leave for visits we'd remind her that foster sister was with her own mommy and daddy. We also made it a point to do something fun while foster sister was gone but then when she was around we lived a "normal existence". The visits for foster sister got longer and eventually my daughter was more than ready for foster sister to leave.

My oldest daughter has been with me for all but my first 3 placements, however she knows those first 3 because they would still come visit and stay the night often.

A1 learned a lot by being in a home with foster kids coming and going. She learned about different kids and she learned to identify when their behavior was unacceptable. She was present while we worked on adjusting their behavior. It was hard for her when certain ones left, but she'd always say they would live on in her heart. Many of our priors still come around to visit so that helps too.

On the negative side... I feel my daughter learned TOO much about compromise and working through behavior issues. At school there is a girl that is a real bully to A1. What's tough is they had gone to camp together 2yrs in a row and had been in 1st and 2nd grade together. This past year the bullying has gotten worse to where we have been in the Principals office more than once. She is now aware that if action is not taken to protect our child from this other girl we will pursue legal recourse that will require them to protect our child.

I can't help but feel that A1 learned to overlook certain behaviors and also "wait them out" because eventually it all turned around with our foster children. What she doesn't understand is the girl bullying her doesn't live with us and we are unable to make changes with her. This child doesn't have any other friends, no one likes her because she's mean. If my daughter tries to talk to other kids or play with them she will cause physical harm to my daughter.

Even now that they are separated on the playground it was A1 who came up with the compromise with the Principal that one day she gets to play in the wood chip playground and the next day on the asphalt playground so the girl bullying her also gets to play in the wood chip playground.

So... in the end my daughter learned to be accepting of children with a variety of issues but unfortunately I didn't teach her to be enough of a snob that she avoids the "trouble makers"... and that worries me if we don't get it turned around before she gets into Junior High and High School.

[momsphotoop]

This is the scariest thing for me in this process

[Jensboys]

Originally Posted by momsphotoop

This is the scariest thing for me in this process

It is very, very difficult, and something to definitely consider. We altered our sons lives by fostering, and the additional loses they have endured have been difficult.

[Kvas9]

I have found that younger children really benefit from short stories with pictures that tell what is about to happen. Include photos from their time with you, include photos of the family they will be transitioning to as well as photos of where they will be sleeping, eating, playing, etc. It would be great if you could make an additional book for your AD. It will help her to process what is going to happen in a more concrete way. Hope this helps!

Setting up playdates or other times for the kids to get together after the transition is also ideal and helps them to know that the people they care about don't just disappear.

[dachshunds4you]

Our AD is 2 1/2 almost 3, and she has seen babies come and go. I think she has gotten 'used' to it in a way. I've used some of these great tips others have mentioned just these past 2 wks, when our fd was being RU'd with family. I kept telling her Baby M is going with her mommy and daddy and you are staying here with your mommy and daddy. I just kept trying to emphasize Baby M has a different mommy and daddy than you do.

It seemed to help. So the day she left she said Baby M going to mommy and daddy. And I said yes.

Then it was kind of funny since I put Baby P in Baby M's carseat...and my AD said no that's Baby M's carseat. I said well can't Baby P use it since Baby M went to her mommy and daddy. And she thought for a moment and said k Mommy, Baby P in Baby M's carseat.

Of course lately our kids haven't been staying as long. Baby M was with us almost 3 months, so I know them being with you longer is harder to have the kids understand. I just stress the importance of our child not leaving...so she never worries she might leave next or something.

[Yes2Kids]

Thank you all, I am definity stressing that she will always be here, as we are her mommy & daddy..the photo album is a neat idea, somthing she could see and keep and maybe later photos of him, I think I will make that..I am hoping we get another placement before he leaves, I think or hope that would help her some?? FS is only one year younger than her, so they are definity close..I think I want a baby this time or a few years older than her..

That is cute about the carseat, because I can see AD saying that as soon as I use FS carseat for another child..