[cloudyish]

So my husband and I were officially licensed 10 days ago. We are expecting to be placed with one child ages 0-1. The licensing worker told us that in our area we have a good chance of getting a placement sometime within the next couple of months so we are very excited and anxiously waiting.

My parents and youngest sister who still lives at home live about 5 miles from us. They are a big part of our support system. My mom has a home daycare and since both my husband and I are working/finishing up our degrees my mom will provide child care for us. My older sister lives about 2 hours away but comes home to visit 1-2 times a month.

We see my family a lot so when we decided to do foster care, after loosing a baby in the second trimester, we talked about it with all of them. As you can imagine there were different reactions but on the whole everyone said if it's what you feel like you should do than go for it. My oldest sister (the one who lives 2 hours away) is adopted and me and my youngest are bios. She was VERY happy that we were doing this and totally for it.

Because we will have a placement soon (hopefully!) there have been quite a few discussions with my family about what will happen when the baby gets here. What will it be like if they stay and get adopted or go back to live with their birth family.

Yesterday the discussion turned to what are we all are to the baby while it is here. In my opinion we are going to be bringing that baby into our family fully, no matter how long it is here, and I had just always assumed that we would be mom and dad… my parents would be referred to as grandma and grandpa, and my sisters would be aunts.

My oldest sister says she doesn't think that we should be calling ourselves those names until the baby is adopted because then it is like we are trying to replace the birth family, and plus we don't know how long they will be here and if they do go home it will just confuse them more.

I totally understand that the birth parents are still their mom and dad too, but in my opinion providing all of the needs and taking care of a baby day and night is PARENTING, in which case we are mom and dad despite the fact that it might only be temporary. I also think that despite what we choose to call ourselves if the baby is with us for any extended period of time it will be confusing if they get RU anyway. Will the names make it harder?

Now my youngest sister (she's 22) also does not want to be called aunt. Because she thinks it will make her get too attached and if the baby get's RU it will make it too hard for her…

I get that with older kids it might not be so cut and dry. I think I would let them choose what to call me but since we are getting one so young it is a decision that we are going to have to make for them. So I am asking what you guys think… should we call ourselves mom and dad to the baby, or first names, or what? What about extended family… Grandma/Grandpa Aunts and Uncles?

What have you all done and why?

[fostapeepz]

Our girls came to us already calling us Mom and Dad. They had been in emergency care for 30 days, and had called her Mom because that's what her kids called her. My son calls us mom and dad - so again, it only seemed natural for the girls to call us that. Mom is the female head of household. They called their bio-mom "mommy" - so the difference was obvious. Now they call her by her name, and I am Mom (we are in process of adopting). Some people have the kids call them Mommy "your name" and Mommy "bio-mom's name". When our teen came, it was a different story. She called me by my name. As we became really close, we made up goofy nicknames for each other.

Personally, I wouldn't let my family members set the groundrules for how we foster, and how we refer to ourselves or our family. I mean, if you have someone who isn't comfortable being called Aunt, I guess you can respect their wishes, but if it's what you want your sisters to be referred by and the rest of them are ok with it - go for it. I personally believe more damage would come from a child feeling 'different' than family, than a child feeling an accepted member of more than one family.

[stevenstwin]

Mixed feelings here - with a young baby I guess it doesn't really matter,but I'd be reluctant to use "mom and dad" for a child old enough to understand and who might be going home - BECAUSE if a child calls more than one set of people "mom and dad" the words become just words and don't mean a whole lot. Those should be special terms, and not just used for any caretaker. People here can tell you stories of kids who will call ANY woman "mom"! Some compromise with names like "Mama Debbie" and then when you adopt you can drop the second part. Are you specifically foster to adopt, or mainly foster?

[greenmama]

In some cases you will be specifically NOT allowed to be called Mom and Dad, especially if the Bios are working a plan. If things start looking permanent, then I think it would be appropriate. Even in straight adopt situations with older kids...the "mom and dad" thing takes a while.

[cloudyish]

We are foster to adopt... so hoping to adopt but also open to helping the family RU if it's what's best for the baby.

[craftingmama]

i've never heard of NOT allowing them to call you mom and dad. even if the parents are working their plans, we've been called mom and dad. my friend has two foster kids and she is 'momma' and the bio mom is 'mommy'.

[momsphotoop]

this was an easy one for us, our foster baby's mom calls herself mom in Russian (I can't really undrstand what she says lol) so my husband and I are mommy and daddy.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by momsphotoop

this was an easy one for us, our foster baby's mom calls herself mom in Russian (I can't really undrstand what she says lol) so my husband and I are mommy and daddy.

Hmmm...you have ME curious about what she is REALLY saying because the Russian word for mother is just "maht" and most just say "mama"....considering her other strange behaviour, I wonder if she's saying something entirely different!

[dachshunds4you]

Since you are asking for ages so young, as other said, it won't really matter too much. But I think it's important to establish yourself as the foster mom and dad. Many kids who speak say this is Mommy X and Daddy X to identify the foster parents. Older children may definitely not want to call you mom and dad, which is understandable.
We have always called ourselves mommy and daddy to all our kids, and have done the same with aunts, uncles, grandparents. If you don't do that, kids won't truly feel apart of your family. Many people say, oh we never want to be called Grandpa or Grandma until it's for sure adoption, but once that beautiful baby is placed with you, all their so called 'rules' will be out the door!!

I have NEVER heard that you can't identify yourself as their mom and dad if parents are working their plan.

[timleenettesue]

You are the Foster MOM and your husband is the Foster DAD. So why would anyone want to make a child feel like they are not a part of the family by making them call you something else. Even the 11 year old that was with us called me Mom. I gave her the option of using Mom "Sue", but she never did. A family has a Mom and a Dad and if you want them to learn what a true family is then they will need a Mom and Dad. Kids want to feel "normal" and fit in, why make them feel like "outsiders". Even the children that have been here overnight or only a few days are family to us and our extended family, Grandma - Grandpa - Aunts and Uncles.

This is just my opinion and what has worked for us.

[ranoutofnames]

With young children we often let them call us Mom and Dad (or we will refer to ourselves as such). Part of the reason (which we explain to their parents) is that children under the age of 5 will have very little memory of their childhood, but they will have feelings and learn to interpret who makes the rules. For many of our formers who have RU'd their children remember taking trips and remember behaviors that are appropriate and discuss them except they switch their memory and put their parents face where ours was in their memory.

Of course we RARELY disrupt and when we do only once was it with a child that was younger than a teenager.

Children should grow up with the idea that Mom and Dad make the rules and those are the rules to follow. They should grow up with a Mom and/or Dad that tucks them in at night, rocks them when they are scared, etc.

My formers (and I've had a lot) who were younger and referred to us as "Mom and Dad" were much more well adjusted when they returned home than kids who didn't. They had already learned that Mom and Dad make the rules... the kids who called us by our first name (at the parents request) did not transition as well to accepting that Mom and Dad now make the rules.

In regards to your sister not wanting to be called aunt... I hope she changes her mind. If a placement leads to adoption and the kids had never referred to her as aunt then after adoption they should continue to not refer to her as such. Adoption is wonderful, it's a defining moment, but for younger kids it can be confusing that today she's "Sara" but tomorrow she's "Aunt Sara"... why weren't they worthy enough of her being their aunt before the adoption?... I know that isn't what you or your sister is thinking but at the same time children don't think the same way as the rest of us. They can't think of the "what if you had left" because all they can see is "I've always been here".

Just my thoughts as you work through it all.

[Yash]

I am/was fost/adopt and always for children 0 - 1. I once did fostering and she stayed 3 months, I referred to myself as mommy and all my relatives by their title ie aunt, uncle, Oma.

My sister was concerned about me becoming too attached until all the "t"s were crossed but she shared that concern only with me, to my foster kids and fost/adopt kids she was Auntie. She sent them little gifts, showered them with affection when she was in town. You would never know she ever had doubts.

I think it's our job to make these kids part of our families for as long as they are in our homes. PERIOD.

Best of luck, I hope you bring a baby home soon!

[Yes2Kids]

We too, are mom & dad, after all that is what our kids call us, and we want these children to feel this is their home...and age does matter. If they are old enough, welet them pick whatever they feel comfortable with, and make sure they know anyone they choose will be fine with us. Whatever you decide will be fine, everyone is different...best wishes

[ladyjubilee]

I've only been "mommie" once--and that was to RAD girls (great sign!) Normally I'm just called by my name. In one case it was a voluntary placement, and the child was definitely going back within weeks. Mom called everyday and it was more comfortable.

With Little Guy....well, I'm not quite sure what is going on. He's non verbal, but he doesn't really like the M-O-M word. He growls when I either say it regarding his mom or when someone mistakenly calls me mom. Recently a hospital social worker was VERY obviously suspicious of me--THE evil foster mother. She finally demanded, not asked, but demanded to know why I forbid this child to call me mommie. Little Guy growled....and I said that's why.

I guess my point is, its situation by situation. Until that particular child is in your home, you just dont' know.