[gwenrenee007]

We are almost licensed and the state is reviewing our home study right now and had a couple of questions for our SW so they called her. While they were asking her questions they mentioned that we can no longer co sleep with our daughter (she is not bio, but adopted from Guatemala) after she is 3. I find this odd, because it wasn't mentioned in our classes and she isn't the states child and never has been. I understand not co sleeping with FC. I also can see the state saying we can't spank, which we don't, because it can cause trauma to the FC.

Also, dd is in her own bed in our room it is next to our bed. They said we can't co sleep and dd needs to be in her own room. What happens when/if we move her and she comes and sleeps in our room in the middle of the night. Is that considered co sleeping??

I am in Michigan if it makes a difference. Anyone else have this issue too?

[chevyjewel]

I would pitch a fit about this. She's your child (adopted or not at this point she's YOUR child) and IMHO they've got no business saying boo about your personal sleeping arrangements with her.

Sounds like someone's either relaying incorrect information or just doesn't like your personal choice.

I'd contact that persons supervisor or ask to see what statute you'd be in non-compliance with should you continue.

[mommamarci]

During our training we were told each foster child needed their own bed. We needed to tell the social worker where they were sleeping. However, if they happened to all climb into one bed and sleep in a heap, oh well.

I would also be upset and question this. But, if she does have a room with a bed, how they can prove she is coming in to your room at night?

[CaddoRose]

I would ask to see the actual law concerning this. In Texas we can have a baby in our room with their own crib/bed until they are 3 yrs old and that is for foster kids. I don't recall anything about limiting the sleeping arrangements of bio children except that they want to know you have enough room for the children you will take in without displacing our bio children. (By the way, bio includes adopted since they are now yours)

[Hadley2]

Not sleeping with children is a safe-adult practice. All safe-adult practices apply to all children in the home.

For example, you will not be able to walk around the house in your underwear if either child is home. You will need to keep both fc and your child out of your room when you are changing and out of the bathroom when you are using it or taking a shower. This is for your safety if allegations arise as well as the protection of the kids.

No doubt, many safe-adult practices seem unnatural and contrary to how a loving, healthy, safe family operates. That is one of the frustrations and one of the "parenting differently" aspects of fostering, I think.

So, how are you going to say "yes" to your child and "no" to a crying fc? How can you give special attention and closeness to one and not the other?

You can't. At least, you shouldn't. That's why they are telling you this.

We had to stop letting dd2 crawl into bed with us on weekend mornings. It was hard on her. It was hard on me. I think dh liked the peace. It was one of the really sad changes in our family and household associated with fostering our niece for me.

I have to say she was really old enough by then, anyway, but even though we tried to make it gradual before fd came, it still seemed hard on her.

Anyway, rule or not, no way would I say "no" to one child while saying "yes" to another on something they would clearly take to heart so much. I wasn't prepared, before fd came, for all the many little ways in which I had to curb how I wanted to be with dd and fd because of fd's special needs. DD did miss out on a bit while fd was transitioning into our family, not just on the safe-adult practices, but in other instances, too. Anyway, I think you would find you feel the same way--that is, not wanting to hurt your foster child--and that it is good that you are getting some prewarning about some of the ways in which life will change.

[mommytoEli]

i remember learning that only children 2 and under could sleep in the parents' room....so i am not surprised. no...i don't think if she wanders into your room that it is a big deal...i think it is just an issue if it is an every night kind of thing. you are getting so close to being done, how exciting!

[chevyjewel]

Hadley - while I see your point I have to disagree with the thinking behind it.

Wouldn't the same line of thinking apply to breastfeeding then too? One can breastfeed their biological child but not their foster obviously.

I don't see how co-sleeping is any different.

[carlychan]

I think I would question this also. Does your daughter have her own room? Does it have a bed in it? That's all they wanted to see when we did our homestudy. They didn't ask if my bio's came into my bed sometimes. If she technically has her own room I don't see how they can say anything. Just tell them she sleeps in her own room. How do they know? It's not like you are co-sleeping with your teenager! That would be wrong

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by carlychan

It's not like you are co-sleeping with your teenager! That would be wrong

I'm not even so sure I agree with that! My daughter is 16 and occasionally wants to do a "sleep over" with me when her dad is out of town!

[IBCLC]

For the record, I asked for and received permission to breastfeed our foster daughter when she arrived in our home at age 2 days.

[carlychan]

My bio son still climbs in sometimes when daddy isn't home and he is 10. I can totally see that happening later on. I was really kind of joking. A teenager sleeping every night with you may be an issue...I probably wouldn't tell CPS about that

[Suziebearhugs]

Fostering brings LOTS of rules with it. The rules are there to protect both your family and the foster children in your home.

You may want to talk with a supervisor and find out what the exact rule is (wether the child just has to have a bed in another room available for her or wether she actually HAS TO sleep in that other room as well).

Ultimately it is up to you, what you do with your child. Would they close your home because of it? Probably not. How would they even know and why would they care? (unless your fosterchild brought it up to her case worker for some reason).

Some foster kids come from sexually abusive homes. So other than a jealousy issue of why your child can do it and a foster child can't. There is also the issue of what the sexually abused foster child might think or feel seeing your child in your room at night and the memories or fears that might bring to them.

It's hard to teach them proper touch and interactions if they can't see proper boundaries or adults sleeping seperatley from children as well.

[birdiebabee]

You can't go to the bathroom infront of your FC? Someone should tell my 2 year old that! I can never go to the bathroom in private. One of them always wants to 'talk' to me at the very moment. I have even closed and lock the door and I get little fingers underneath it. I never thought there was anything wrong with letting him follow me in there. I guess I should stop that ???

[DannieAS]

Originally Posted by chevyjewel

Hadley - while I see your point I have to disagree with the thinking behind it.

Wouldn't the same line of thinking apply to breastfeeding then too? One can breastfeed their biological child but not their foster obviously.

I don't see how co-sleeping is any different.

Rules and regulations for fostering sometimes go against what we think is ok in day to day life, and I think we should know that going into it, if not it will shock us.

To the OP, I don't think this is a weird question at all. We can have up to a 2 year old sleep in the master bedroom but they have to be moved out to their own room after that. Now, if there is a bedroom with her bed in it...and she wanders into your room in the night....well that's not something you have to share...maybe in your state she can be in the master until 3 y/o but again better check what they require where you're at.

[DannieAS]

Originally Posted by gwenrenee007

We are almost licensed and the state is reviewing our home study right now and had a couple of questions for our SW so they called her. While they were asking her questions they mentioned that we can no longer co sleep with our daughter (she is not bio, but adopted from Guatemala) after she is 3. I find this odd, because it wasn't mentioned in our classes and she isn't the states child and never has been. I understand not co sleeping with FC. I also can see the state saying we can't spank, which we don't, because it can cause trauma to the FC.

Also, dd is in her own bed in our room it is next to our bed. They said we can't co sleep and dd needs to be in her own room. What happens when/if we move her and she comes and sleeps in our room in the middle of the night. Is that considered co sleeping??

I am in Michigan if it makes a difference. Anyone else have this issue too?

on a side note, congrats on being really close!