[Mkap]

hi all,
sitting here in VA awaiting ICPC to be complete so I can return home with our new baby girl. It won't be long before Alanna will be ours and noone can take her away. Which leads me to my problem. As I sit here in this beautiful space looking at this new baby that has entered our lives, I feel empty. I know in my mind that in time our bond will grow and I will love her with everything that I've got. But right now my heart belongs with our dear foster baby. My heart is breaking into so many pieces. The day that she will leave us is fast approaching. August 3rd is her next court date - it's also her first birthday. How am I going to cope with this? How can I let her go? This is the first time in 9 months that I have been away from her at all. I am using some of her old clothes with Alanna and everytime I pull something out I am flooded with so many memories. Her blankets, her onesies, everything. How do we get through losing her, please tell me a way to cope. I need to know it'll be alright. I know that she will be alright. Last weekend her stepmom and two half sisters came to our home to meet her for the first time. The visit was so surreal. Stepmom seems like a decent person with good mothering skills. She was even able to soothe baby girl to sleep for her nap. The sisters seemed to adore her adn they all looked so much alike. In my absence this past week she has been staying with my sister. She has never stayed anywhere but our home. So this was a big test. She did wonderfully. She adjusted so very well. Smiling, playing and even sleeping through the night which is more than she does for us. I am so proud of her and so proud that she was able to enjoy her stay with my sister rather than be filled with anxiety and fear. We have done that for her and I am so grateful to have given her such an amazing gift in her life. She knows what it is to be loved and to trust in people. Noone will take that away. So now I know that she will adjust to a new home and a new mommy. It may take her some time, but I know that she will be ok. It's us that I'm worried about now. My heart hurts. I keep crying. I started singing my favorite lullaby to Alanna tonight and I couldn't stop the tears because that song soothed our sweet angel to sleep everynight for the past 9 months. Please fellow foster parents that have lived this agony, please tell me a way to cope. I know you've all supported me through this struggle for the past 9 months, bare with me because I'm still not through it.

[EandDmom]

I'd love to give you the exact words to fix it all for you. Unfortunately I don't have them. I agree she will adjust. The bonding with your new daughter will come in time probably sooner than you expect. to you and best wishes. Just remember what a great start to life she has had because of you and she is able to adjust so well because of the love you all have given her.

[CaddoRose]

I have been through this either, but you have been so blessed. You had Baby A since birth and were able to give her the best start in life she could get. You deserve to grieve the loss of her, but at the same time rejoice that you have Alanna. It will probably take several months to recover, but during this time you will be growing a new relationship with your daughter and know that she won't be leaving. Just give yourself the right to grieve.

[MassachusettsMom]

YOU WILL BE OK.

I didn't think I could ever love another kid after we lost our pre-adoptive FS after 9 months with us. (He was RUed with less-than-stellar BPs.) But it is almost a year later, and we just finalized on our second FS -- and I am madly in love with him.

It takes time (and, in my case, therapy and drugs) to get over the loss of a child. And you've had your heart broken so it may take some time to feel like you can open yourself up fully again. (In my case, it has been a much slower bond with my second than it was with my first -- but it is happening.) Give yourself the time and space to grieve-- and don't expect miracles. Just keep doing what you're doing and slowly you will find that the happy moments start to balance out the sad ones. You'll still love and worry about your lost child (I worry about my former FS every single day).... but it will eventually just become part of you and you'll find happiness despite it. And don't be afraid to get help (but only from a therapist who gets foster care!)

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more. And good luck!!

[laceyc]

I have not been in this situation but I would imagine that if a parent lost a birth child d/t some terrible circumstance and gave birth to another there would be memories and tears b/c in the joy there would be mourning the loss of another the parent loved. Although neither of these children were born from your body they live in your heart so the grief is real and the same. Give yourself some time and realize that the love you have for this child may be different from the love you have for your FD but it will be a mother's love and it will grow. Enjoy both your babies while you have them in your arms.

[Withay]

I had a fc once whom I dearly loved. I wanted to adopt this child so bad. Alas, it was not meant to be. After this wee one left (at the age of 11 mo) I grieved horribly. For 3 months I never slept more than 2 hrs per night. I was a walking shell. Finally, through much prayer and support from my family, friends and church I was able to go on. Do I still miss this child? You bet. There will always be a hole in my heart for this child of my heart.

Fast forward about 3 years. A sweet child was placed in my arms to care for. It took awhile, but the love I feel for this child is tremendous. Do I love this child as much as the first? Yes, but it is a different love for this is a different child. I am now in the process of adopting this sweet baby. It is this child whom I would now lay my life down for.

It takes time. Allow yourself to grieve. Don't apologize for grieving. There are times when losing a fc feels very much like a death of your child. Give yourself to feel every single feeling that you have and will have.

Please know that I care.

[stevenstwin]

Honey, the only way you are going to get through it is with time. It's going to hurt like crazy and no-one can make that stop, but it WILL stop hurting so much with time. You'll find that you are able to focus on your new baby and take comfort in that. It will comfort you that your foster baby is going to a good situation, so you won't have the added stress of worrying about her. I wish I could do something to make it all better, but please believe that time truly is that great healer.

[jllambert]

My "Tiny W" was with us just shy of a year! So many times it looked like he would be our forever! He was a very sick little baby when he came to us and we worked so hard to help him get strong and healthy. So many nights I sat up with him. So many times I held him in the hospital! He was ours and we were his! The Mom and dad started transition visits and to be honest they did not do well(CW did not care she just wanted to do what was easy and that was sending him home)! First weekend they had him she took him to the ER and the ER was so worried about her lack of knowledge they admitted him and called me(they did call in a intake but once it got to the cw did nothing! It did not even come out in court)! When I arrived the mom was not even upstairs in his room with him! She had left him in there alone and a nurse had to go stay with him! As soon as I got there he calmed down and rested the nurse said for the first time all day! Mom went home and left me to stay the night with him. When she left the nurses said the baby was not safe with her. I was so worried because he was suppose to go home for good in a few weeks! Right before he was suppose to leave her attorney called and said she had said she wanted us to adopt "W" because she could not care for him (she had admitted to me there was no bond)! We got our hopes up and just knew this was the answer to our prayers! She had told CPS the same thing. The next day she went to the attorney to sign the papers and get things rolling, and she changed her mind! We were crushed!! 4 days later we had to give this baby to his parents, and all we had left was the ability to call on God and pray pray pray for our baby.
Like you I thought I would never ever get over it! Ok I am not over it, but my broken & bruised heart that I thought would never be able to love another child like I did that one just proved me wrong!!! We were not going to take anymore kids for awhile and maybe not ever, but 3 days after "W" went home we got a call that changed our life. Our baby girl had been born the very day we lost our "Tiny W" and they wanted us to have and adopt her! We said yes, but were not sure how we could love this baby with such battered hearts! Like you I spent many hours holding my daughter crying my eyes out about the baby I just lost. Slowly at first and then in a blink of an eye(it seemed) this little girl mended my broken heart and the hearts of her daddy and her brother and sister! I know God sent her to us to remind us of His grace and mercy and His great love for us! Alanna could be that for you too!!
It will hurt! To be honest if I sit and let myself dwell in my memories of "Tiny W" it can still be very painful! I live for the joy my kids bring to me here and now! I give the rest to God and try to trust in his will for my life and for "W's" life!!
Let yourself fall in love with Alanna, and don't feel like you are trying to replace your FD (our inner guilt is so ugly and powerful). You would have loved them both if you had been able to adopt them both, so this is no different! Try (I know it is very hard to do) to not think about the day she will leave, but live each day for the joy of that day! Don't waste a single day crying for the future! Shed those tears when you have to! Just love and enjoy every minute you have with your babies right NOW!!!
I know...easy to say hard to do, but try it! I know I had my melt downs, but I am so happy for the happy memories I made with "Tiny W" even in those very last days!

You are in my prayers!!!

[snc2007]

No answers....just sympathy. I could feel the agony in your post and it made me cry. I am so sorry.
You will get through this in time.
Congratulations on the new baby.

[Yash]

I know you want a better answer than time, but truly that's what it takes time.

I lost my baby 2 months before TPR to relatives who seemingly came out of nowhere. My heart was broken, yet I also felt relieved that a decision had been made. It was hard living in limbo, waiting for the court date to decide if she was staying or going. I met the relatives while we waited out the appeal period and they were nice people. They were trying to steal my baby, but they were nice people. We've since become friends, but I still miss my baby.

And six weeks later, my daughter came home. Wow, I had had three babies in my home and never before I had I felt like I was babysitting. But here was this adorable, loving six-and-a-half month old girl, who wanted and needed a mommy and I felt nothing. I knew it was due to my loss, due to my pain, and that in time I would be madly in love with her and I prayed for that time to come, but it seemed to come so slowly. I was the pre-adoptive home for this sweet baby, yet I felt no attachment to her. After the second day of being home, she would reach for me. It was great. She adjusted well but she didn't feel like my daughter.

Then one day, it snuck up on me and I was in love she was my girl. My daughter. In August, it will have been 2 years since I lost my first baby. I think about her. Her picture still sits on my dresser. I worried that my love for my daughter wasn't the same, or as intense as it was for my baby. But it is, they are just two different people who require two different types of love, as someone posted earlier.

My thoughts and prayers ae with you and this road you're journeying down.

[seabird]

I send you a hug and feel your pain. I think that you just have to grieve like others have said...you have to give yourself permission to, in order to heal. If you are a person of faith, you have to give it to the Lord. With things regarding loss, it takes time. But please, please remember that you gave her a great start...she is going to adjust well because of all the love you gave her. No one can take that away from you. Are they going to allow you to see her from time to time and get updates? Perhaps that will help. And now you have to focus on your new little one, which is wonderful....and she is going to need you to love her just like you did for this one. Just know that what you are feeling is normal and if you need to talk to someone as you go through this transition, then please do. It may really help. There is no easy way to heal, but know that with time, you will see and feel differently...you will!

[katy41]

when she goes,you'll be know you've given her the best start possible,you have obviously taught her the most important lesson anyone can ever learn.....how to be loved,and how to love others.as staying with your sister showed how well she has learned it,as she obviously feels happy and secure.she knows the worlds a good place and she is able to trust and enjoy relationships with people.these skills you have taught her will help her step mother bond quickly with her.
i fostered a little boy from birth till9mths old.....my little baboo.
i was so relieved when i was told he would be adopted even though i knew i wouldn't be considered(single parent ,5 others at home,3 with attachment difficulty ,leading to 2 being special schooled).
but the adopters spoke little english(different background to him as he was 93.75% white british)had the wrong stage car seat ,showed me photos of him in a smokey room when he was still on steroids and antibiotics for bronciolitus,had his cot at new born height with cot bumper pillows quilt and had never heard of putting a baby down atr the foot end!the dm treated him as a doll and seemed very unresponsive to his feelings,they changed his name...she'd picked it out 6yrs before!the reason they were adopting was because they had 2 bio daughters and her husband wanted a son.social services told me i was being a snob even though if the police caught them with the wrong stage baby seat they'd have been in trouble as it's against the law in britain.
in time(after i made a big fuss) the car and cot safety were addressed,but it made our loss so much worse as i was worried about his safety which made it harder for me to be supportive of the other children.
we have managed to stay in touch,his upbringing is very different than if he stayed with us,he's read no stories,fed junk food(kebabs,burgers chips etc), but he has now attached to the dm.
even though i don't think it was the best placement for him,because of the attachment he had with us, he was able to seek attachment with her.
i'll always miss him and sometimes cry when something reminds me of him,but feel better thinking that the pain of missing him directly corrolates to his security for the rest of his life....a small price to pay.

[Heyheather]

Thank-you for posting your story and to all who have posted responses.

We are going through a similar situation. Our 19month twins and their sister whom we have had for 18 months will be reunited next week. The parents are not at all what we would chose for the girls but are now considered "safe". The CW told us that they might be back in care and to not completely put everything away yet. We can't count on that though and are going through alot of grief now. All we can do is pray.

So thanks to you all for your advice not only helped the original poster but me as well.

[faithlovehope09]

oh goodness i am crying now reading this post. Our FS is leaving in a matter of a few days and i am barely able to sit here and do my work without tears pouring out. I just can't begin to explain the pain i'm in. last night i was holding him while he slept and bawling looking at him we just love him so much. What a blessing though that you have a precious little new baby to grow and love on. so many new beginnings are in store for you and your DH and your little FD will always hold a special place in your heart. tonight is buddies first overnight visit and he wont be there when i get home from work tonight and i can barely handle the thought. i understand completely what u are going through but we have to be strong. i have another little FD that needs me and you have this new precious baby that is yours 4 EVER!!! MY GOODNESS..... what a miracle.... trust in god that your love is instilled in precious FD and she will always have you with her in her heart. ooo Hang in there ~~~

[ranoutofnames]

There are no right words, and several of us have gone through this and can truly understand your pain.

Around 3 months after my Baby T was born my foster daughter was RU'd with her birth parents. She was placed with me at 4 months of age and was only a couple weeks shy of being with me for 2 yrs.

I went through a TERRIBLE time trying to bond with my new baby and at the same time letting go of one I had a bond with to allow her to go to them with a willing heart.

DRUGS... I developed Post Partum Depression with Anxiety disorder and eventually had to take medication to help. I had too many conflicting emotions occuring at the same time. I was loosing a baby I had always been told would likely be mine... I was bonded, I had to let go. Then I had a baby that I knew would be mine, but my emotions and heart couldn't adjust to that logical conclusion.

I was proud, I thought I could do it on my own (and truly I pulled hard on my boot straps) but in the end I had to turn to medication. If you find yourself still having a hard time bonding to Alanna in a few weeks you might talk to your doctor about PPD (yes, it can happen to adoptive mom's). My only regret was not seeking medical help sooner.

The meds don't change who you are but rather help you cope emotionally. I REALLY wish I had started BEFORE RU happened with my foster daughter.