[Jensboys]

We are VERY theoretically looking at the possibility of having the baby girl back in our lives and home that we had from the age of 6 weeks to 13 months. She is now almost 3.5 and has had a very traumatic time in the almost two and a half years since she left us.

I would like to know what others have experienced in this situation. She was very strongly attached when she left, obviously we are strangers to her now BUT is there some sort of underlying bond still that she would remember the house, smells, sounds of our family that would assist in transition?

To our other kids - she is FAMILY - it will be hard on them that she doesn't know and miss us the way they have missed her.

Anyways, this is all theoretical at this point, but very bad stuff is happening in her life suddenly and I was just wondering what you all thought.

[greenrobin]

Someone on here once told me that if they've been gone from us that long, then you're getting a different child from the one who left. That makes me very sad.

Having said that, I'll tell you about an experience we recently had.

Mermaid, Honey, Little Man and Banana were in our home for a very brief time before being returned to their aunt and grandmother nearly 2 years ago. They came back into care about 4 months ago. We were nearing TPR for our kids, so the agency didn't even call us--they KNEW we wanted them back.

So, the kids were split, Honey and Mermaid in one home, Little Man and Banana in a home with our agency. When they left, he was 14 months old and she was 4 months. So, we were at a training and the kids were in the nursery there. I had to go see them.

I went to the window and talked to the worker and both kids came over. I smiled and waved at them and they stood and looked at me like they knew me. Then Daddy came over and Little Man absolutely knew that he knew him. Banana just kept turning her head from side to side, trying to recall where she'd seen him before. We were delighted.

So, yes, they're different. And while they can't verbalize what they know, they still KNOW. And they've been through some pretty horrific stuff since they left us and returned to care. And they were only with us a short time.

I guess what I'm saying is that memories of loving care are in there. She'll remember the feelings. And I would NEVER pass up the chance to love those kids again.

[Jensboys]

The idea of her being a different child horrifies me as she was a happy, well attached, stable baby when she left, and I know she is an angry hurt little girl now. It beyond horrifies me actually.

We saw her first after six months and she CLUNG to me, and it actually was so obvious that she desperately missed us, it was almost embarrassing because I think the only reason her mom brought her for a visit is because she thought she would have forgotten us - instead the opposite happened. I havent had her here since.

I suppose we will just have to pray and wait and see.

[greenbottles]

Off the topic...just wanted to say your blog is a must-read...

[BeckyS]

Jensboys, so very sorry to hear that she's been thru so much after leaving you. I hope for you both, that she comes back to you. Even if memory doesn't seem to be there, she will definitely benefit from having your family back in her life.

[Jensboys]

Originally Posted by greenbottles

Off the topic...just wanted to say your blog is a must-read...

thanks greenbottles, I appreciate that

And BeckyS -- the problem is that although is is probably a big chance to be back in her life, it doesnt necessary mean anything will change from how things were before. Sadly, unless the adults make the choice FOR HER - she will be shuttled around the rest of her life. There are special laws because of her race that make it difficult for her to find permanency outside of her immediate (and very, very messed up) family. And because of my other boys, and how traumatic her leaving was on them, I cant allow us to be another "temporary" stop for her. Losing her like we did (without warning or chance to say goodbye at 13 months) caused HUGE grief in our kids' lives. And now that the person who took her doesn't want her anymore ?? Who knows what will happen.

ITS TRAGIC.

[BeckyS]

Originally Posted by Jensboys

.
ITS TRAGIC.

I remember the specifics well (can't remember from which board - I read a lot more than I post). I would think any impact you can have in her life will be a blessing for her. On the other hand, the grief that the situation creates for the rest of the family has got to be truly heartbreaking. Just hugs and hopeful thoughts for all.

[arubagirl]

maybe you could meet her and show her some pictures of you with her when she was little, pictures of the house, her room, etc???

[Jensboys]

Yes we have pictures of her still up all around the house - and all of her "favorites" still boxed up. Her album and videos etc. Probably all good ideas to help her ... but still, its such a difficult situation.

[respitemom2]

It might be interesting for you to hop over onto the Guatemala board and search threads about adopted children from Guatemala seeing in person, video or pictures their foster moms from Guatemala after being adopted and home in the states for awhile. There have been interesting discussions about how much the children remember, even those adopted very young.

I think it is very special that you CAN visual and know that the little girl who may be reunited with you was once a sweet, loving baby. Many of us adopted children who we have only seen with the anger and issues associated with the trauma they experienced, and never the sweet, loving baby we would like to envision they were that first year. You will be able to bring that very real loving picture of that girl up over and over in your mind while you help her heal.

[athikers]

I will say that when our foster son was coming and going we saw a change in him even in those few months. He was a very different child by the time he finally left for good. I know we would very likely take him back if that time comes, but I will not expect my happy, bubbly boy, but a very hurt child.

I DO think they know somewhere deep in their soul that they "knew" you. And I think this will help with the "re-bonding".

[thanksgivingmom]

I know you've written about her on the blog as well and I just wanted to give you my sincerest hugs. I was actually just re-reading some of your old posts about it before I found this....Thinking of you

[Jensboys]

I "saw" her today for the first time since Halloween. We live in a small community and suddenly ... there she was in front of me standing in a grocery cart. She didn't see me but I saw a glimpse. She was with the relative that doesn't want her anymore. The relative that took her from our home.

She is beautiful. Gorgeous in fact. I can't fathom what she has been through, what she is going through RIGHT NOW and what the next few weeks of her life are going to be like.

Add to that? I go in for cancer surgery next Monday. Our life isnt exactly uncomplicated right now either. I wish we knew the future ... what would happen, what is the "best" decision on our part. But for now ... there is NOTHING I can do other than pray and hope that sooner rather than later she finds safety and permanence.

[quiescentfury]

Jen, First I want to wish you the best of wishes for your surgery.

I remember how hard it was when she left. Just reading your posts made my heart ache. I think she is being brought back in your life for a reason. She may not remember you, but that can be explained to your boys they should be old enough to understand, even though it may hurt a bit. The question is, is it worth that hurt to help her out? Maybe this time it will be more permanent and maybe you and your family can change her life? I would really think about taking a chance.