[Kristin7]

I got home last night to find a box from bio mom for the girls. The oldest found it...she is 12. The other two girls didn't see it. I told A not to open it; that it reaked of smoke and couldn't be in the house until it aired out. which was true.....the box itself just stank.

So i put it outside....and she seems to have forgotten about it.

I opened the box after they all went to bed and the items just stink to high heaven. its a bunch of easter eggs and trinkets.....but every single item has "i love you, miss you, and think of you day,night and always".....she wrote the big girls each a note all about how much she misses them and loves them and such. nothing about how the girls are doing or etc. it seemed very smoothering to me.

Our situation is we are waiting for TPR appeals to be heard. She has no visits and no contact.

What would you do....what should I do with this situation?

Thanks all

PS...i'm not opposed to giving the girls the trinkets....its all the emotional stuff that it will stir up that I don't want them to have to deal with. They are doing fine since the visits stopped...havne't asked about her and issues are calming down. The 12 year old has lost weight and is more calm and seems happier. the 9yr old's aggressive behaviorts have almost disappeared.

K.

[Kat-L]

I think it's important for the kids to know their first mom still loves them-even if she isn't able to parent them. They need to know they weren't just forgotten. Therefore, I'd give them the trinkets & eggs. I'd put away the notes until they were older, though.

[gdaisy]

I would keep the notes in a file (of course after they had aired out). Then later in life if they choose to look in the file they could. That is just my 2 cents...

I often will keep the little toys and trinkets that are sent to the kids in a box.. if they go home it goes with them. If they are TPR'ed then they stay in that box until the child is old enough to understand what they are looking at..

[laceyc]

I have not been in this situation but what the pp have said sounds like a good idea. They need to know bmom loves them and since the oldest knows about the box it would be hard to keep it from them but I would definately put the notes up so they can have them later.

[DreamingAzure]

I would remove any writing that biomom might have put on the trinkets and save it, and just give the trinkets to the girls if they want them. I would give them the choice "Here are some easter things biomom sent, they are your's if you want them." That puts the power in the kids hands. I know several foster kids who don't WANT the gifts that their bios send and feel forced to accept them.

[crick]

I think the notes can wait til they are older, but the stuff she sent should be given to them. I would also leave some of the "I Love You's" on the trinkets because that is a very powerful message. I'd leave off the ones that say "I miss you" and "think of you all night long". That is guilt tripping messages (even if it's not her intent) and they don't need that pressure. Knowing she loves them is important though. Truly is.

[o2b30again]

I am in the same situation and what I have found works for us is that...No contact means no contact. I would save a couple of the key items and the letters for a later date when the children ask.

If you are not comfortable with giving the children the items then I would just say that the SW told me that we had to wait to open the box or the judge needs to rule on it first. Yes it is passing the buck but the reality is that we are the ones that have to deal with the emotional backlash from stuff like this.

My children have learned that I love you doesn't mean squat it is the actions of the parents that mean the most. I do tell them that I love them but I know that these are just words to them and that I have to show them what love actually is. The mushy stuff from the parents is just what you said "suffocating" The parents are not in a position to show the children love and the words don't mean much after what the children have experienced in their short pasts..IMO.

You are going to have to do what you feel is personally best for the children. Don't feel bad about not giving it to them if it isn't going to make them happy. Your their protector. Do whats best for them.

[crick]

02b - I'm not saying you are wrong, but I'll just share this with you.

While we might see it as suffocating or not genuine etc., all that matters is the kids' feelings on it. Even if a kid says "I know she doesn't really love me" and know on some level it doesn't mean "squat" as you say, they could be thinking deep down "I wish she loved me, why doesn't she love me, I'm bad, it's my fault, etc. etc. etc."

So until they are old enough to deal with the complexities of everything in their past and their bparents, I personally think it helps them to believe their bparents do love them. Even if it's a "wrong" way of showing it in our eyes. There will likely come a time later in their lives where they will make the decision on their own in full understanding and choice to believe it or not. I personally believe it does have to be up to them when they are ready to truly deal with it and not when we dictate. We shouldn't be making this decision for them and allowing a simple msg. of "I love you" from their bparents can often go a long way at young kids ages in making the kids feel less guilt, blame and hurt.

JMO.

[mom2behappy]

and the fact that these children who have been through so much turmoil and are finally @ a place of some peace I personally would not give them anything from the box right now if the oldest who saw the box asks about the box I would just explain to her that I did not think right now was the time to open the box and that I would keep the box for a later time.

[mom2behappy]

I personally would not be advocating to these children that bios love them, would I be teaching my kids that this is the way people love? would I be teaching my kids that is the way love should be shown? I'd have to many questions personally about what I was teaching my children that love was really about. I have a friend who is in her 30s who believes that because her boyfriend hits her he loves her but this started way before her own relationships its what she saw in her moms relationships, and what she herself endured growing up. so even if my children endured this prior to coming home to me I would NOT be advocating to them that their bios loved them although I also would not be telling my children that their bios did NOT love them. my focus would be more on me loving them and showing them that true love doesn't have to hurt jmho

[kakuehl]

I think that it may help the children to know that they are loved, but sometimes people (their parents) don't know good ways to show love.

[myangels]

Keep it for the children until they get older.. It is not yours it is theirs and they have a right to have it when they are older.

[Rainbow mom]

If it were me and there was a "no contact" order I would ask the kids CW what he/she wants you to do with them.

[CaddoRose]

I would ask the kids if they wanted the items. They are old enough to decide on that if you think their maturity level can handle it. I would also pick out some specific items you think they might like that have the writing on them and then replace the others with new stuff with no writing. I might not hurt for them to have something from Mom, but you know what they can handle and I don't.

I completely understand getting things with writing all over them. Everything the parents sent had stuff written on it even though the kids were both less than 3 yrs old. It was like they thought the kids were at summer camp and they had to mark what belonged to their children. even the bath soap and powder they sent had "this belongs to X" on it. Very strange.

With the notes, again, only you really know how they may react to that. I would go with your gut feeling on whether to give it to them now or wait until some time later.

[UnconventionalMom]

Originally Posted by Rainbow mom

If it were me and there was a "no contact" order I would ask the kids CW what he/she wants you to do with them.

This was my gut reaction. No contact happens for a reason.

Or, you could try giving them the trinkets and see how they react. If it's a good reaction, yay for everyone. If it's a bad reaction then you know not to pass on the gifts again.