[fredalina]

i need help. i have a wonderful, loving, supportive, hard-working husband. Or i thought i did. Since we've had this placement (Thursday night) he's been everything from aloof to bad-tempered. He says he's in his own personal hell. 2 toddlers who don't speak English. i don't get it, as he was very interested in starting foster parenting, he's been totally involved in the classes and making phone calls and emails.

We talked before we ever dated about how much i want kids. i was divorced before, and the primary reason i finally divorced him was that he didn't want kids and would make a horrible father. i was told i may not be able to have biological kids (severe endometriosis and some tubal blockage), and DH and i discussed adoption and fostering before we were married. All i've ever wanted was to be a mother. And now i am, and i feel like i'm losing my husband and best friend!

i know he's said he's "afraid" of babies, but all men are on some level. i've "checked his temperature" all the way through the process to make sure he was okay. Including when we opened our license up to take kids under age 4. It took 45 minutes for him to decide on this placement (our first). He spent a total of 10 minutes with them the day after they arrived (they arrived Thursday, this was Friday before work) and he took clothes and toiletries with him to work Friday -- i didn't find out until later -- and almost didn't come home. He did, albeit about an hour late, and he did make an effort yesterday and spent some time with us, but i don't know what to do. He's so miserable but i don't want to disrupt these kids who really don't have any major issues and may go to adoption. They're everything i've ever wanted! And they won't be toddlers forever and will learn English quickly, but i just really don't think the man i married is cut out to be a father. And i really want my kids to have a daddy.

OMG i guess i really just need to vent because i don't feel like i can really tell my friends or blog about it as it would be disloyal should he come around and do well. But he's really not enjoying himself. It may be worth mentioning that with his work schedule, he'll only ever even see the kids on the weekends, but that must still be too much for him.

i've tried so hard to hold it together and do all the housework (more than usual even) and keep the toys cleaned up and out of the way and everything, but he's somehow still miserable and i just want to die. i love these kids and i love being with them, but i love my husband and i am really hurt and feel betrayed that apparently he doesn't want kids or to be a father. Which means these last few days may be my only chance in the world to ever be a mother. i'm so afraid he's going to tell me to disrupt. i really, really, really don't want to, but i don't want to disrupt my best friend's life or make him miserable either.

[lovemy6]

I'm sorry you're in this position. I pray for you to have the wisdom of Solomon!

[carlychan]

Men sometimes can be a little aloof. I would recommend giving him some time and space. If after a few weeks it is the same or worse, discuss his issues. Maybe his is afraid you will never have time together like you had before. Maybe he just doesn't like babies he can't do stuff with. I know my husband loves our kids, but he just prefers them a little older.

[fredalina]

Originally Posted by carlychan

Men sometimes can be a little aloof. I would recommend giving him some time and space. If after a few weeks it is the same or worse, discuss his issues. Maybe his is afraid you will never have time together like you had before. Maybe he just doesn't like babies he can't do stuff with. I know my husband loves our kids, but he just prefers them a little older.

i thought it would be something like this, until i found out he almost didn't come home over the weekend because of it. That screams major problem to me.

Today Big Brother was yelling "Papa'! Papa'!" over and over again and he just ignored him. He knew Big Brother was talking to him, he just didn't care. This is my biggest nightmare, truly. i thought we had a really great marriage, full of love and communication. But if he makes me disrupt over this, i don't know how i could continue to be married to him. It feels like he married me under false pretenses.

[rm2000hg]

maybe it is more of a panic thing but he can't explain it or is afraid to tell you and so it is coming out as disinterest instead...

[Yes2Kids]

I agree, hopefully he just needs a little time. It is a total shock to some, to have your home and life change so fast, overnight. I think we can bond more quickly and it just comes more natural to us woman, my husband does great most of the time, but he does still have his moments, when he was used to a quite house after work, and now somedays it is anything but quite when he just wants to come in and relax. We work through it, and I hope ya'll do to. A marriage can take extra work when fostering, just as these children take lots of work, there is an adjustment period for everyone. Good luck - hope everything works out..

[lovemy6]

How long have you been married? You said that you said before you were married, how much you wanted to be a mother. Did dh say that he wanted to be a father (through adoption)?

If it were my dh ready to leave over this, I would be wondering if there was another woman and he was just using the kids as an excuse.

[CaddoRose]

I'm just gonna throw some things out there, so take what you can from it. These are just some things that it could be.

1) people operate on expectations and when those expectations are not met, problems arise. I can only guess what his expectations were, but his actions speak of a major expectation not met.

2) some people think that when you become a parent, no matter how that may be, that they will immediately feel like a parent. There will be the feelings of love and devotion to the child and when those things don't occur, the person can think there is something wrong with themselves.

3) You need to be proactive and have a discussion, today. It isn't fair to you( because you expected form his past behavior he would be supportive) or the kids to put it off. You need to talk to him without accusing him of anything.

4) if you had such an open marriage with communication, his behavior smells more like major jealously over your activity and devotion to the kids instead of him. Does that make sense? He may just not know how to adjust to you now spending so much time on the kids.

I wish you the best in whatever happens. For your sake, I hope things work out and you can be the Mom you were meant to be.

[Sunshine4me]

Hi Fredalina,
I just wanted to send you my support! I haven't received my first placement yet, but I can only imagine how you feel and it must be very difficult. I think your husband needs time to adjust. I have heard from other mothers that husbands sometimes get jealous of the attention to the kids. He's probably not used to all the noise and chaos (also, the uncertainty of the situation). Big hugs!!!!!! Please give this situation more time before you decide that he's not a good father. Talk to him and reassure him that you love him and that he is #1 in your life. Keep us updated and write anytime you need support. We're all here for you.

[Nevada Jen]

I do understand the situation you are in. I have been there before (although I can't say it was as much of a shock to me as it is to you). I can remember telling my husband that I had never been happier in my life than I was when DS was placed with us. Interestingly, he said, as happy as I was, he was that miserable. I was honest with him and told him that I would do whatever I could to make it better but there was no way DS was leaving. Things that I found that worked were more sex (consider the idea of twice a day sex--hope I am allowed to say that on this site!) and telling him specifically what I expected him to do. Such as, on Wednesday's, you will get up with the screamer all night long and on Tuesday's you will stop at the grocery store and pick up 3 cans of formula. I think he really felt displaced and couldn't quite see where he fit in until I told him.

I am not excusing him being a big poo but we have to remember sometimes how much more we understand about adoption and foster care than someone who has never been to this site. We have people to lean on and he probably does not have anyone other than you he can talk to who won't just reinforce stupid stereotypes. Are there any foster parents you guys could get together with as a couple so he might bond with someone over his misery--someone who can let him know that the temporary misery is worth it?

[takingtheplunge]

I'm sad for you.

My supportive HB was afraid of the baby. At first I felt bad telling people he hadn't changed a poopy diaper yet or that I was the main caregiver. I felt as if they would judge him as non-caring. But I realize now he was just scared. Now he does everything except give meds, bathtime, and put her to bed-- I still have to do that.

Like the other poster said, here's a list of ideas, take what might work:

1) harness the 10 year old boy in him. Give him dump trucks, nosey boy-toys (even if you have girls), etc. and let him play w/ the kids.

2) take him to toys-R-hell and let him pick out a toy for them, but don't judge his judgment. I had to hold my tongue when my husband wanted to get her Ernie from S street.

3) when they poop, make comments that only a dude would appreciate (oh man what did you eat. . . way to go that's a major dump . . etc.). This is how I got my husband to take interest in changing poopy diapers. Now he tells her things like, "have you taken your morning dump yet," or after a major crap session, he says, "way to go. . .that's daddy's girl." Most importantly, he will change them.

4) ask him what his fav. cartoons were when he was a kid. What were his fav. toys, food, etc. Recreate his childhood.

5) when people ask about the placements, listen to what he says w/o jumping in. This can give you a heads-up on what he thinks. Sometimes people can say terrible things and someone might have planted in his head some negative thoughts.

6) supportive doesn't always mean involved. My dad and my husband's dads love us to death, but in those days babies were "womens" work. He could be reflecting on how he was raised.

7) Like another poster said, look for clues about another person. I only say this because he said he might not come home. Do be cautious about other women. Baby's/toddlers are chick magnents and one could have exploited a weak point in his judgment. Men often stray in times of high-crisis and mid-life crisis.

8) Don't thrust the daddy title on him. Let him say it.

9) let him still have his recliner or sports or whatever makes him feel manly.

Good luck,

[LollipopsAndGumdrops]

You seem to be putting a whole lot on his being a dad. Could it be that he's freaked out now that the situation is upon him, doesn't think he's living up to your expectations, figures the situation is hopeless and that now you'll divorce him?

Who knows what's going through his head. I would suggest a whole lot of listening, absolutely zero arguing, and a whole lot of expression of being in it for the long haul, that your marriage and he come first to you, that you love him, and that you want to make him happy.

You can't do this easily without him, and if you do it will be without your marriage. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't consider that as an option in this situtation. Listen in love and find out what's got him so spooked then find out what he needs to come back from the edge.

My prayers are with you!

[MamaS]

I "did it" as a single mother of two. It was not easy, I had extended family support, and I knew I wanted to be a mother whether I was married or not.
I will not give you any advice on marriage.
But I do know from years of observation and experience that the "stress times" are when the children are age two and age five. At age two the father is more likely to leave. The child is no longer a baby that can be confined to a crib. It is moving and vocal and a factor of life 24/7. Some men want to have children as long as "having children" doesn't change anything.
At age five it is more frequently the women who initiate the divorce. They have endured while the children were young, but now the child is in Kindergarten all day, mom can get a job, she is no longer dependent on financial support and not so willing to put up with whatever she has been putting up with.
I truly hope counseling will solve your problem. Life with two loving committed parents is better than life with one. Please think hard before you give up your dream -- how will you feel about your husband if his demands rob you of the chance to be a mother?

[Hadley2]

LOVED the replies from Nevada Jen and takingtheplunge. TTP, too true and too funny!

One other thought: He may have no idea what, exactly, he is feeling or why. My DH is like that. ANY strong emotion, whether what we would consider positive or negative, is enough to send him under cover. He is as capable of articulating what is going on as an anteater and about as willing to try.

Probing just causes him to dig in deeper and become convinced that whatever it is, it must be bad.

So I try not to dig too deep and do more watching and listening when he does talk.

It's very early days yet. New fathers of biochildren have been known to freak the first week and later be devoted as all get out. Time is an ally.

All that said, is there any chance that your dh does not care for the ethnic background of your children? We often assume that the people we care about share our values but sometimes they don't. Has this ever come up before?

[birdiebabee]

I can really relate to you! My husband has always been really good with kids (playing) but not taking care of them. He has never had to do it. Well when we first got the boys they were so scared and screamed and cried for hours. He was very overwhelmed and appeared 'scared' of the boys. Now I know my husband would never hurt children so do you know how I had him get used to it? A couple of days after we got the boys I had to take an 'emergency' trip to the store. I left....for two hours! He had no choice but to be one on one with them and care for them. A week into our placement little man was in the hospital for a week with pneumonia and my husband sat with him when I went to work until I got back. Keep in mind my husband HATES hospitals and wouldn't even visit his mom when she was in ICU. He loves these boys and takes care of them great! He really surprised me. I just learned that I don't have to do everything on my own and when I handed him the responsibilities he really opened up to these little guys. Hang in there. He is probably overwhelmed. My husband was also very jealous of the boys at first so maybe that is what your husband is going through as well?? Not sure. I wish you luck!